Sometimes I just need more than powerchords and a bassline.....

:: 2005 19 April :: 8.32pm

oh ,,, dont you love the negativity?
getting C's and D's are just... lovely.
i love it.

i absolutely love wanting to die.

:: 2005 14 April :: 6.54pm
:: Music: azure ray

i hate life.

so i'm waiting for this test to end, so these lighter days can soon begin.
i'll be alone, but maybe more carefree like a kite that floats so effortlessly.
i was afraid to be alone. now im scared thats how i'd like to be.
all these faces, none the same. how can there be so many personalities?
so many lifeless, empty hands. so many hearts in great demand.
and now my sorrow seems so far away,
until i'm taken by these bolts of pain.
but i turn them off and tuck them away,
till these rainy days that make them stay.
and then i'll cry so hard to these sad songs.
and the words still ring, once here, now gone.
and they echo through my head everyday.
and i dont think they'll ever go away.
just like thinking of your childhood home
but we cant go back we're on our own.

and i think i'll want to be alone.
so please understand that i dont answer the phone.
i'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls until i can see nothing at all.
only particles, some fast, some slow. all my eyes can see is all i know.

orfwashere

:: 2005 1 January :: 3.05pm

I'm still here.

plainmornings

:: 2004 31 December :: 10.01pm

wow...

its been entirely too long since i've stepped into the newly "elite" land of woohu. Well Andy, I must say that the place looks good!

To a new year... God help us in what may come.

1 true playa | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 21 October :: 7.27pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: elliott smith

it's amazing how its always overreacting or not reacting at all. being in a crowd and being all alone. having so much to say but no words to say it. keeping secrets from everyone. i don't think itd matter much if i happened to leave. if i smile, its fake. if im alone, then thats how i want to be. can you tell when i'm lying?

and so you'd soon be leaving me alone like i'm supposed to be tonight, tomorrow, and everyday. there's nothing here that you'll miss, i can guarantee you this.

:: 2004 25 September :: 12.57am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: heh, i guess you could call it the sexual mix

so many things to say but i have no clue about how to say them or if they will actually be significant or not. let's outline the topics i need to cover (blame history and english for this). school, time, danielle, hurricane, insecurities. yess. i think i can do that.

so yeah, school. ok i feel like i can't say anything about school. danielle knows what i mean. lately i think she's really been the only one i truly talk to and the only one who makes me feel better throughout the day. i love all of my friends but everyone is so stressed out and i feel guilty because i can't help them. so i try my best to stay away from people who need to be alone with themselves because i dont wanna be all like "yeah i have 3 b's right now, i'm gonna die." because i know that they most likely have it worse. i'll just try to do my best to keep my mouth shut. i don't know how i'll do this quarter, really. i don't know if i can make straight a's. (yeah i know, dont even say anything) but i mean, i'm trying my hardest to remain hopeful and faithful so as not to crumble before i know the outcome. we shall see. maybe my parents will even be lenient. wow.

time. THERE'S NO TIME anymore. there's always something to do, somewhere to go, something to STUDY. i swear, it's freaking crazy. i don't know how some girls multitask so effectively. icc, snhs, art club, homecoming hallway decorations (mostly done by only yours truly because of this hurricane), nhs. is that it? i think so. i really am hoping to uhh be president of nhs. i signed up for... four committees? afterschool when kassie was helping me bring stuff to the car, she was all like "christina, you're really involved, you should run for office of something" and i told her about my nhs aspirations and she's all like "wow yeah that sounds awesome, you should totally do it, you should talk to kyle now." it was nice to hear someone who doesnt know me at all to encourage me. shrug.

danielle is possibly the most awesome person in the world. spending time with her makes both of us feel like sooo much better you have no idea. like it doesnt even freaking matter how long its been since we've spent time together, we can always find each other again. like yesterday, hanging out with her and then her staying for dinner and some good talks in the car. and then today like driving her car, getting mcdonalds, and lying in bed together. and she just makes me smile. then being with my funny parents and going to superwalmart and then seeing a nice movie... wimbledon. like its a really good end of the week.

can you believe this jeanne thing? it seriously pisses me off. i have sooo much work to do i can't even contemplate it. lets list it cause i have nothing better to do. study for FR of chem test, buncha calc problems, spanish hw, misc. english work, history reading/studying, 12 pages in the art journal. pppplus all the hall decorations i have to make in numerous quantities (such as stars, a marquee, movie posters, etc.). soooo yeah i got stuff to do. dunno where to start exactly. if i can get through it all... call me superwoman. sigh ...

im too tired to even outline my insecurities. lets just leave it to the future, when i'm sure i'll even have more to say.

i still feel alone in my heart. don't you?

:: 2004 22 September :: 10.39pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: konstantine

tears falling down my face for reasons no one could guess why.

its so fucked up and i remember when tears were from a broken heart, not a fucking broken spirit and loss of faith in love. what the hell have i become? i know you dont understand what im talking about. its just so lonely trying to pretend like i actually feel passion and love when im just trying to fool myself. i dont trust people anymore

and you don't wanna look much closer cause you're afraid to find out all this hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed

:: 2004 17 September :: 6.45pm
:: Music: tech romance

dude crying is like... ugh. i dont know WHY i'm freaking crying. its not right. am i lonely, am i tired, am i frustrated? idk what the hell i am. i want for someone to just hold me for like hours but im too scared to ask my parents to take me down to boca when we're going north to eat dinner and probably see a movie. sniff. i dont know.

live just gets to ya sometimes.

=*(

:: 2004 31 August :: 10.36pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: cary brothers - "blue eyes"

i ~~cry~~ get upset for absolutely the weirdest things.

or for nothing at all!
mothereffing heart isnt functioning right.

1 true playa | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 18 August :: 6.26pm
:: Music: jealous sound - "recovery room"

sometimes i wonder
if people can see the welling in my eyes
if they can sense the tenseness in my face
if they know how much i want to go away
if they feel me drifting far off into myself
if they can hear my heart as it falls to the ground
if they know how much i love/miss them

i wonder what could happen if i could just end it all ? is there a place called heaven, or would i just go be reincarnated and start hell on earth all over again, but this time even worse? my life is great, ya know? it really is. i just don't feel great. so many times in the day i feel more like an outsider than i have in all of high school. you think that wouldnt happen since it's junior year, but its true. i don't see my friends, and when i do, i can't truly enjoy my time with them. the only thing i look forward to during the day is going home with danielle. if not for that, i'd be sobbing into greta's shoulder everyday. but that doesnt sound too bad every now and then either. it's simply asinine and unnecessary for me to put myself down and feel like crap all the time. but i dont know. i cant help it.

just forget everything that i said and wash out the wounds.

:: 2004 13 August :: 4.19pm

edit

i dont think i can get this entry right to the way i like it. i dont know what to say or how to say it.

how to express how shitty i feel just because school makes me miserable. i mean its the first fucking week and i'm already bursting into tears when i get home. i dont understand how i can be so weak, so sensitive, it just makes me cry MORE because its like what the hell am i doing? i'm dragging myself down and i can't stop. it's as if i have some masochistic desire to feel the tears running down my face. my brain must be a little screwed up to make me feel so bad that i can't face the world anymore.

just as long as i never pick up the sharp objects, i'll be okay.

:: 2004 20 July :: 12.14am
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: jealous sound - "recovery room"

sometimes i really can't stand being me. being in this body, having this mind, trying to control this heart. i go from one end of the spectrum of emotion to the very opposite end. and i know i can't change it and i know it's what brings me to my demise at the end of each day. but what am i supposed to do? half the time i'm praised for being such a great girl, for being charming and lovely and sexy and attractive and intelligent and hardworking. but then the other half counteracts it. its usually from myself and then my parents and usually its unspoken. i need to work harder, i need to look better, i need to fix myself, i need to control myself. i know that you know exactly what i'm talking about. how it feels when you feel like you shouldnt be wasting the oxygen. we all get like this. but how do we rise from it? sometimes i forget. sometimes i dig myself so deep into my insecurities and fears that i can't do anything but hide in this hole from the world because sometimes i believe it'd be better off without my stupid complaints. i know that that's not true. my personalities conflict with each other a lot. there's the christina that actually loves herself and knows others love her even more. and then theres the one hiding inside who just wants to be someone else, anyone else, to know what it feels like not to be ashamed to be who you are. ok i'm truly rambling right now. but woohu readers wont mind because there aren't many. but ya know. i dont know what else to say. i think i'm done. the thought comes into my head "i wonder what my mom will say about how i look on my wedding day" and then a tear falls down my face. i'm sure you all have similar insecurities. just thought i'd share a little of mine right now. not that i havent before. forget i said anything.

stood there and stared at the grief in my eyes.
leave it to me to live out a lie.
so i sat on the curb and i cried like a child.
catching my breath, just walked for a while.
and i thought... what could go wrong?
i'm already gone. don't say a word. i can't hear you.
don't hold me close. i can't feel you.

:: 2004 18 July :: 10.51pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: watching spiderman

i changed my woohu layout. it doesnt please me so much. =\ i need better programs pleeeeease. i think my lj is better. i shall never stop trying though.

:: 2004 11 July :: 10.16pm
:: Music: finch - "letters to you" acoustic.

i give up. i'll just sleep now.

=*(

adiosesposito

:: 2004 6 July :: 1.47am
:: Music: The KLF

Hello,

No one goes on Woohu anymore. Hell, I don't. But just in case there are any lurkers of this journal who want to know info about my life, here's the deal. I post on my livejournal, and I don't really give a shit about giving my name out. Just check Oh_That_Clergy on it if you really give a damn. I don't think anyone is reading this, save Amanda( you are a trooper.)

It's been a long time, and I guess I should check in. My computer died out two weeks ago, and I just got it back to speed, somewhat. So much has happened, and yet, those of you who rely on this tool to learn of it, have been sadly deprived. So it's my time to shine right now.

My junior year ended, and I finished with 4 A's and 3 b's for semester grades. Not bad, I guess. I have been writing recollections on my typewriter late at night about this year, and the people I've come to know. Perhaps I'll post it for the shock and awe of the public. I took the SATS again, and did pretty good, 1350. Now that you have these statistics, you can reevaluate my use to you as a friend.

I garnered a summer job at Quizno's subery, on Linton Boulevard and Federal Highway, Delray Beach, Florida 33483. If any of you want to come in and give me some salutations, I'll respect you for that. It's a pretty good job, working with 21% my friend group, taking orders from a lady with a penis haircut, shooting dice with the next-door Chinese restaurant's owner behind the store on my break. And man, I've made enough money in a month to buy at least two DVD's(Not box-sets, of course)!

I've been watching a lot of My So-Called Life on the N. Krakow is such a fuck-up.

I've actually had a pretty good time this summer, social-wise. I have had a lot of fun, with an assorted group of kids. Too much underwear parties. Too much of Andrew getting naked. Too much Risk. Too many memorable moments.

However, there a great deal of kids who I haven't seen really at all this summer, and that is a disappointment( Ian, I want to watch you blow something up soon). But to everyone I have not seen or talked to much, I sincerly hope all of your summers are going well.

I am leaving for Washington D.C. with my father tomorrow to check out some colleges I won't get accepted into. It should be actually fun, since I'm interested in checking out the district, and then we are meeting up with my dad's buddies from his "New Left" days at college. To paraphrase Musical Youth, the dutchie may be passed from the left hand-side.

About the only hole in my life right now is my love-life. I'll admit, I wish I had a girl right now, to discuss the positives of late-70's Ambient and mid-80's Detroit Techno with, to play Yahtzee with, someone who thinks Inspectah Deck is underrated, fuck, any girl who listens to Wu-Tang earnestly. I'm not even that horny. I just fucking miss the companionship, and the feeling that I'm the only rising high-school senior who isn't feeling any boobs( save Krystal's) makes me feel pathetic.

I have had a good time this summer, in particular this last week, and I love my friends. Truly. And I have had some nice first-time conversations with strangers who are nice. And OMG, I got these hot pair of tight jeans today at the mall!

So if I die or something, I just want you to know that I hope all of you have a good life, and I'll see you in St. Louis when you expire.

Love,
Drew R.

:: 2004 30 June :: 6.42pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: where you are...

these are my confessions.
wow, havent posted in so long.

summer school is like almost over. sort of bitter sweet. this friday i have to clean the house majorly for anne (my moms best friend)+ her family are staying at our house. friday night is steph wu's birthday dinner party. still have to get a card/present.

but anyways. what was i getting to... i think the purpose to this entry in my woohu to get out the way i feel lately. only like in the past few days. i haven't gotten an email reply from altan since last friday, and feels like forever since then. i take naps after school very often so i dont just sit there and start thinking about how empty i feel right now. without any of his words, the love slowly fades. yeah thats not supposed to happen. thoughts dont hold up much lately though. especially when i'm surrounded by such sweet boys in school. i swear, i have mini crushes on every guy friend i have. like... is that wrong? its definitely wrong. definitely definitely wrong. i dont like leading on people, but it seems like it just happens naturally. i dont know. i need therapy.

i was reading the notebook last night before i went to bed and i read until they finally gave in to each other and made love again. then i set down the book, turned off the light and cried one tear before i fell asleep. i always go to bed hoping that in the dream world, something i want to happen will happen. but nothing really exciting happens. i just remember one dream, it was the first day of junior year. and altan was in the class but i wasnt aware. and then he walks up to me and hands me this long (like 2 pages) note and he just holds my hand. weird thing was, it wasnt altan, it was some kid i knew from middle school. very weird. but ... i dunno.

i dont know anything.
someone please hug me and never let go.

dammit where the hell is danielle when i need her. oh yeah. nc. frickin family and frickin vacation. i need her HERE.

BiGmAc daDdy y13: u know what i have noticed about u
FallenNGAngel: what
BiGmAc daDdy y13: u have three guys wraped around ur fingers and u have no idea what to do about it
BiGmAc daDdy y13: its great

excerpt from altan's most recent email.
i miss you a lot. today he took me to a cafe on top of this mountain that over looked the city. it was beautiful. i wish you could be here with me. i wanted to hold you and watch the sun set with you. i miss you terribly. i love you so much, i think of you day and night.

3 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 17 June :: 10.28pm
:: Mood: blah

nice fling with danielle and christine. sigh. how do you get so sore from merely walking to taco bell?

once christine left, i did a few things and then i got my cd player, put on deathcab and then i fell asleep around 5 and my parents didnt want to wake me up for dinner, so i just woke up. this feels very very awkward. i'm like hungry... but not.

my brother is coming home tomorrow for a week... yay!

summer school. blecch. in christines words ... "just think, 11 days."

i'm a dork. dawson made me cry today! lol. that has never happened before. it was just because he gave up joey so passionately and finally did the right thing. "i love you like you love him. the only difference is that he actually loves you back." man that just made me remember those feelings of unrequited love. that kind of love just hurts to no end.

plainmornings

:: 2004 16 June :: 7.18pm

blah.. finally cut my friends list down, getting rid of the people who didn't pay to keep their journals and the people who i have not talked to in over a year. Its funny, it seems as if the only two people who still regularly write in their journals are Lauren and Amanda.

i need college to be here now :0/

6 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 14 June :: 4.31pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: the starting line - "playing favorites"

nothing to do
another day passed by with nothing done except food eaten. thoughts thought. wishes wished. and music listened. eyes closed.

i should do some strumming.

my new favorite song. it makes me wanna go to california. or somewhere. to fall in love.

the best way i can extend the lonely words, i miss you.
i'll say it, but i'm sure you knew.
you're what i look most forward to, coming back to where i've been.
i'll just leave it at this.

i'm sure you always feel my eyes on you,
but i hope that you will never feel unwanted.
if you feel unwanted, wait for me to move out west.
it's ok if you don't. i hope you know you're my favorite thing about the west coast.
i wish i stayed, i hope you wait. so here i am...
counting down the days till california comes.

:: 2004 13 June :: 10.43am
:: Music: watching 90210

1. you feel so alone because you have no one to call your own. and you can't even recognize the face you dream about. there doesn't seem to be a reason to wake up in the morning because there's an emptiness in your heart and you can't understand why everyone else in the world can at least find someone to crush on whereas you don't know where the heck your heart is.
2. you don't know why the world is the way it is. deep down you know you love someone, but you watch them continue to live life without thinking of you. and it hurts more than anything to know that they don't care. and still you maintain to beat yourself up about not being good enough for him. not being good enough for yourself.
3. finally in love, and they love you back in exactly the same way. and you feel like there's something burning inside of you because days aren't the same without this person. you miss him when he's not there. and when he is there, you miss him because you know he'll eventually leave.

so i've definitely been in all three scenarios, and i really don't know which one hurts the most. because all three end up in crying yourself to sleep for lack of companionship. i cried because of two movies yesterday. yeah, i'm a freak. first, i watched now and then. that movie generally makes me cry like every other time i see it. when teeny is trying to save sam... yeah that makes me tear up. then i watched some of father of the bride. (no, that didnt make me cry)

eventually went to movie theatre where there was a horrible chain of events. i mean, first it was crowded like whoa. feeling claustrophobic, anyone? then the lines were SO long. the notebook was sold out. there was no more sprite in the machines for my mom. (yeah it amazes me too) and then stepword wives was muy crowded and i spilt the coke on myself (damn purse). that was just like so not cool. but it was an entertaining movie. if we had seen the notebook, i guarantee that i would have cried. i'm just watching the trailer over and over again. (which i do for a lot of movies.)

came home. watched bridget jone's diary. i haven't seen that movie since it came out on dvd. its very... interesting. it makes you feel ok for being lonely but then at the end, you feel lonelier cuz even bridget got her man. and thats when i cried. at the end. when they kissed in the snow. i dont know how i got so emotional. but seeing them kiss and him putting his coat around her. it made me miss altan. a lot. like a lot. a lot. yeah i'm crazy for loving him so crazily. but. its something i can't control. and i cried before i went to sleep. because i was just thinking about memories. like being able to share the warmth inside your body with someone else in an embrace. and being able to feel his hand in yours. and laughing and smiling and being happy. i'm not saying that i'm not happy now, but ya know. something missing.

shrug.

orfwashere

:: 2004 9 June :: 5.10pm
:: Mood: aggravated

I think I wasted $2.

Wait. I did waste $2.

:: 2004 8 June :: 9.43pm

bored
YOU ARE AUDREY HEPBURN
WORSHIP! You're inner Bombshell is the beautiful
Audrey Hepburn. Like her you've been blessed
with a "certain something" that no
one could describe accurately. You are more
reserved than other bombshells, and that shows
in your gentle, graceful nature. You like doing
things for other people and love volunteering
for your favorite charity. Yours is a rare gift
in this day and age. You don't need to show a
lot of skin to be sexy, all you need is your
eyes. To see Audrey at the top of her game
watch the movie "Breakfast at
Tiffanys".

Who is your inner bombshell?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: 2004 6 June :: 9.21pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: jamisonparker - "your song"

no one to talk to... where is everyone? don't tell me EVERYone went to go see the darkness. hmmph. guess i'll just be with myself tonight. or i'll cross my fingers.

always nothing more to say.

tonight i'd rather be in love. i'd rather it was you flowing through my blood, scraping through my veins, my everything. and you cling to every thread that clings to me. i live in notes and photographs and everything i'm holding back, but you're the words that weren't enough. you remind me of a song i used to love.

plainmornings

:: 2004 31 May :: 2.58pm

its funny how time and time again everything repeats itself.

i leave August 17th.

i still feel as if there are some holes that need patching up. things shouldn't ever be left this long unresolved... really, thats how you lose the people that you care about the most.

to end an old life, to start a new.

5 true playaz for real | Pimp or playa?

:: 2004 26 May :: 5.38pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: the jealous sound - recovery room

i need the recovery room
sigh. days are a lot different when you get the right amount of sleep. all school days should be like this, dont you think? today i took english and art exams. they were alright. tomorrow is spanish and precal. should study. but havent started. procrastinating majorly. oh well. <3 hmmm. i feel like i need to do a project right now. i have the perfect one in mind. but anyways.... yeah i'm happy. not THAT excited about summer, but its definitely a step up from school. however my parents are very... frustrating sometimes. they won't let me have a car.... wont let me even drive alone... so whats the point of having my license? there really is none. stupid stupid. so i have to have a babysitter wherever i go or be taken by someone else. isnt that great? ugh. they trust other kids to drive me alone but they dont trust me to drive alone? and insurance costs too much. understandable reasons i guess. im still pissed though. will i end up being the only one who can't drive? grrrrrrrrrr. sigh. anyways. yeah. cant wait for it all the be over.

i love this song so much, i'm almost angry/regretful that i'm not angry and depressed.

she stood there in her summer dress
wind caught her hair and failed to confess
i smiled as we raced through the night
my hand caught her wings then nothing felt right

i know that i left you for dead
don't give up so soon
because you know that we all have a bed
it's waiting for you in the recovery room

just forget everything that i said
washed out the wounds, walls painted red
waiting for you in the recovery room

:: 2004 20 May :: 4.27pm
:: Music: matt nathanson - "sad songs"

i love NOT having homework. it's such a new experience. sigh. today in spanish i told branden, this freshman who sits in front of me, how his life is going to change next year. he wasn't as restless as he usually is, and he said he felt weird so i told him that he's growing up. and i told him to be ready for a sophomore year full of being tired and depressed. i think it's just a rite of passage for us PIBs. then he said ok next year tell me how being a junior is. and i said, ok if i have the time. i think we might all just become so immune to depression because we'll be so busy doing things. fun, right? yeah.

the future holds so much in store. this weekend is ashley's weekend and my guitar recital. then next weekend i'm leaving to go to houston rafter school. i will be so cleansed in houston. seeing my aunts, my cousins, experiencing the idea of NOT worrying and stressing out. like i can just sit on the plane and listen to music. and no homework to do. i just can't imagine how happy i will be to get away, even for just a weekend. i will miss people. but i need it.

mmm.. i think i like this guy's music. im not exactly sure yet.

i'm waiting up for you to rescue me to come around and cover everything.
relying on my best memories. to breathe for me, breath for me...
so much better than all this, all of this.
tired of singing all the sad songs in my head.
but i can't find enough of anything to drown out what you said.

and i can still smell summer in your skin.
and i can still remember giving in.
wrapped all up in your hips and in your sheets.
it felt great, falling, falling...

i feel so faded, so far gone. nothing surprises me anymore...

and sometimes i find i catch myself letting you back in.

orfwashere

:: 2004 19 May :: 5.51pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: RATM

"In the great words of Kappy Sood, It's Over!"
Indeed it is. My last day of high school was about a week ago, which consisted of doing nothing in 1st, 2nd, and 4th periods, skipping 6th and chilling with Hotchkiss, and was followed by band practice and the worthless chorus concert. My AP Art History exam was the following day. I took the Palm Tran to school, which involves 3 busses and $2. The third bus had some sort of computer problem, and forced us to wait for a mechanic, and eventually another bus. At this point I was thoroughly annoyed, and the bus driver claimed that she couldn't reach the pedals because of the seat, so we had to wait for another bus. By this time I had smoked more than half my pack of cigarettes and was ready to kill somebody. I got to school an hour late and was given shit by the ROTC douche bag guarding the entrance. I made it to the AP exam just on time, and bs'd my way through the multiple choice. I got my free response booklet, and handed it in about a minute after the section started. This invoked the classic like by the media center woman "you must know a lot about art." I turned in my book and was lucky enough to avoid Mrs Stecker and have to explain to her why I wasn't taking the exam. It was sad to realize as I left that that was the last time I'd do anything academic at ATL.

The final band concert was really sad. We sounded great, and I was really surprised at how good the concert band sounded. I can see that Lerner's worked hard. Banquet was definitely the highlight of my senior year. I tied Chris O'Brien for the most awards received. Bastard. We had a bet going. The speaches were really sad. I'm lucky I didn't have a bet with Lerman, because I started to tear up when the seniors were up there. My speach wasn't too bad. I got a nice aww from the whole room that made my night. It hurt to realize that I'd most likely never see any of those kids again. I mean, I'm going to come back and visit, but still...

Checkout was yesterday. Mrs. Fontaine told me that I have to go to Senior awards night. That�s a very good sign. I seriously doubt that I'm up for an award, so the only thing I suppose I will get is the $500 band parent scholarship. That's great because I need money to pay for books and such. I'm only getting $3500 in financial aid, and I will have a $2600 loan. Paying for everything else next year is up to me. That money from the band parents will be well spent. (: Suki and I had a nice run in with a focus on the way to ATL. The guy's car was pretty much fucked, but her car is ok. She just bent the front driver's side wheel. Hopefully the axle isn't bent, because that would make her car fucked as well. She got a ticket, and I feel really bad. I told her to make the u-turn. Luckily the guy that hit us was sane, because I know that if I got into an accident that fucked my car, I'd come out screaming.

Speaking of my car.... I had that piece of shit '84 Monte Carlo waiting for me, but something miraculous happened. One of my dad's friends said he found a nice Pontiac Grand Prix for sale. The Grand Prix is the same car as the Monte Carlo, much as the Camaro is the same as the Firebird, and many other similar GM vehicles. My dad went to go look at it, and bought it on the spot. It's a 1987, with 30,000 miles. To put that in perspective, my dad's 2000 Tacoma has 65,000; meaning that this Grand Prix has been garaged and well kept. The guy that was selling it invested a lot of money into the car, at least 5 grand, and had it almost completely restored. It has the expensive two-tone metallic paint, and just a whole buncha other options that make it fucking unbelievably sweet. The guy is getting married and is desperate for cash, so he let it go for $2500. It's worth almost 7 grand. I wanna go give him a hug, and then kick him in the face for selling it. This car is in almost mint condition. I can see myself driving it for like the next 10 years. It can probably go for another 100,000 miles before it needs anything major. Sure beats the piece of shit Monte Carlo. We were ready to invest about $4000 into it to fix it up, but now we're just selling. Anyone know somebody who'd like to buy it? It's got 140,000 miles, and is mechanically sound, just needs some bodywork, paint, and seat covers.

And finally, being 18 fucking blows. They've got me working long shifts at work now. I had to close the other night, meaning we don't get out till 12:30. I have to open tomorrow, meaning I have to be in at 5:45. Major gayness. I also learned something from the experience: Mopping sucks.

Well that's it. I'm done. Post. Too. long.

:: 2004 16 May :: 1.36am
:: Mood: scared
:: Music: ben jelen - "falling down"

i can't say why. scared for my thoughts. scared that what i feel is true. or maybe i'm just dragging myself down again. i just want so badly to run away and be alone because i can't stand this.

but this seems a little bit too hard.
and all the questions come running through my mind.
will i see this another way?
the simple truth is i'm falling down
and i don't want to drag you through the bottom.
and there she says

sit in front of me. turn around, you'll see.
i'm everything you want, all you'd ever need.
come back into my world. you know i'm always yours.

and she makes so much sense.
when she says

don't throw this away.

it's hard to know what's real when it all seems wrong.

:: 2004 14 May :: 11.58am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: damien rice - "cannonball"

ever get that feeling...

that you know you miss something, but you can't explain why or how? you realize that you still need it. you realize that life is different without it. you finally want it again. and you don't want to recognize it, but you know it's there. and that it's too late to ever get it back. yeah.