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Winning Hearts and Minds

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:: 2015 3 June :: 4.59pm

Ella could be here any day now, I'm so excited. Dialed to 3, baby sitting low, lost mucous plug, effaced, thinned out, and softened. Been having contractions on and off all week. I just want something to get stronger or water to break. I'm so ready to meet out little girl. Jordan been working lots of 0T to save up for maternity leave. Got the nursery all ready. Having my big family baby shower this weekend, only a few things I need right away. Feeling ready :)

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:: 2015 21 May :: 5.50pm

Less that 5 weeks till my due date, I cant believe we are this close. I cant believe she is still in there with all times she has tried to come out. She already has so much stuff and clothes. She is definitely spoiled with having three grand parents. So glad Jordan back to working, a lot stress. So excited for Ella to be here and to have the whole month of July off work. I got my mom hair cut, so I'm ready for her to be here. I finally gained some weight, only took 35 weeks. Hopefully I will lose most of it after she comes out. So Excited :)

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:: 2015 18 April :: 3.01pm

Just had our birthing class. I cant believe how close are we are to meeting Ella. So excited for her to come. I have the gestational diabietes, which sucks. I feel like I'm pregnant and on a diet. Hopefully I can just control it with diet so I don't have to take insulin. Jordan lost his job, so thats stressful. He had a interview for a way better job so hopefully he gets that. Ready for June.

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:: 2015 7 April :: 4.23pm

Well I had a really good month of pregnancy. No trips to the hospital. Unfortunately I failed my diabetes test so I now have gestational diabetes. Just another risk factor for her to come early. Still not gaining any wt, but doctor isnt worried. Very tired, but low hemoglobin will do that. My husband just lost his job, trying not to stress. Hopefully he will find something better soon. Already has a interview this week. Ready for June.

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:: 2015 11 March :: 2.52pm

Well hoping for a better month of pregnancy. Made 6 trips to the hospital last month. Thank god I have insurance and Medicaid. Bill only 3.75. So thankful that my job is being so supportive and nice with all my time off work. Hoping for no more problems. So excited for it to be June and Ella to be here.

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:: 2015 19 February :: 5.56pm

Pregnancy is way harder then I ever thought, bringing life into the world is so hard. I'm finally out of the sick stage, longest 3 months of my life. Now I'm starting the back pain stage. Had another trip to the hospital last week for bleeding again, but she's still doing good. Just wish my cervix would get in check. So ready for it to be June so I can meet Ella. I have so much stuff for her already, shes going to be so spoiled. I'm so proud of how much my husband has stepped up around the house and to help me. I couldn't ask for a better partner during pregnancy. So ready for June :)

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:: 2014 23 September :: 4.42pm

Summer is over, hopefully winter wont be so bad this year. I started my new job. Loving the new hours. Not sure what do with all my free time now. Still working on trying to have a baby, taking longer then I thought. Just have to remind my self its only been 3 months. Excited for the future.

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:: 2014 20 September :: 11.41am

things that make me not want to get married
1. the wedding.

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:: 2014 25 August :: 9.10pm

possible road trip next summer.

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:: 2014 1 July :: 3.02am

I will start this post by pointing out that I typed in my username and password for woohu without flinching even though it's been saved in my computer for 5 years (just built a new PC). I think that says something.

me references will be in italics. ;)

I will continue by saying that I miss me. I'm not entirely sure I know what me is anymore, but I'm pretty sure I miss it. As a disclaimer I will say that none of this is meant to be sad or foreboding in three at all. Just a rant.

I have this notion that any sense of self I had is gone with all the hobbies I used to have.

I understand that being 27 it is a totally normal thing to be unsure of direction and/or choice, what the fuck am I doing?

I had all these plans to do these big things (that weren't one-hundred percent attainable) and now here I am, a cog in the machine.

If I'm going to live in these conditions, I wish I was a teacher at least. At least then I might have the comfort of knowing I'm doing something for the future and our youth whether or not they give a shit (and usually I can't blame them if not).

I reflect sometimes and honestly feel like it's deserved. I've done many things that have warranted my conundrum. So self deprecating I is.

But then there's the other side. Considering I'm with a mother who's in a perpetual mental breakdown and a father who will hate you if the wind changes direction: I'm alive, I eat, I drink, I'm typing on a computer; things can't be that bad.

I almost blame my raising. The raising involving America being the best and being privileged just to be involved. I don't think it's the same anymore. We're not the best. I will soon be a part of a motion picture that someone in Sweden will watch and say "man, I'm glad I live here and not there regardless of how entertaining this drama is". Does that make sense? Basically I have a notion that we will soon be portrayed as less than first world. Not that less than first world is less than anything but... whatever this isn't the point.

My point is all I do is reminisce. I reminisce about times when I didn't have to think so much. I reminisce about the people who made thinking optional at most. I reminisce about love gone, love I wasted, love I should have valued. I was so carefree I felt like love was water; the most abundant of resources.

Now I'm aware; and too much so. I have a perspective of things I've done, things I'm doing, and things I will do. This is equal parts frustrating and enlightening. Equal parts "I want to apologize to everyone" and "want to stand my ground". If I hadn't made the shitty choices I've made in the past, I wouldn't be so enlightened but I wish I could go back and at the least prevent them or remake them.

I've been told by some of the people I love most that I'm not good enough for anything that is normal a lot of my life, when I was young and still today, and this has been the basis of my relationships since I was a tweenager (this is the only word in this post with a red scribble underneath it as I'm typing and I'm proud of that). I shouldn't have said that because now another mistake will be pointed out.

With this said, All i want is to know what I want. I want to know what is wantable. Is there something I should want? Want want want. Need Need Need.

That is all for tonight. Again, just a rant. Have a good night.

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