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:: 2006 2 March :: 7.20 am

Since xanga is blocked at school, I'll ramble about my dream for a bit here.

This makes alot of sense if you were one of the unfortunates to be talking to me last night while certain events transpired. Poor people, having to listen to my dumb issues.

Anyway, I had a dream that I was in the car with my mom, and we were turning left onto butterfield from 60, that road that goes to my house that has the train tracks crossing 2 roads. We were just sitting there, waiting for a train to pass, when I noticed that suddenly, without my knowledge of a crash or any turbulence, the train parts just started coming off of the tracks. I mean, they were hardcore coming off, to the point of them literally flying off and landing violently a few feet away from the car.

I wasn't afraid, but I just kept thinking "I hope the people on the train are okay..." even though it was a freight train, and wasn't carrying any people. My mom was completely relaxed, and just said "Well how about that. And it was the train conductors own damn fault, too. He deserved it"

After a few seconds of watching this train absoluely crumble, forming a barricade of ff7 train grave yard-esque rubble, I looked behind us to see that there was tracks on the road behind us too (which there normally aren't), and to the right, so we were basically trapped by the train wreckage.

1 Pirate | X marks the spot

:: 2006 9 February :: 12.49 pm
:: Mood: confused

"Crushes" are a curse by god, sent to all typical teenage females. Thus, I regretfully anounce that I have, once again, been smitten by the nasty love bug. But it's an actual person now! An actual flesh and blood human living in a 100 mile radius of my house, whom I talk to on a regular basis. Not an anime character, or video game foe, or old poet from the 19th century, or hollywood star.

Yes... I have a new crush. Rather, this is an old crush. A WAY old crush.

I recently went through my old personal diary entries... written WHILE I was going out with stunkel (Written in April 2005). It said...

"It's probably some sort of moral sin to look upon your boyfriends best friend with a romantic gaze...."

Then in a later entry, in July 2005...

"Jorie told me today that I should go out with him. I feel as though I was turning a blind eye to fate by shrugging the possibility off."

X marks the spot

:: 2005 26 November :: 1.52 pm

My life is empty while is down.

Then again, my life is pretty empty anyway, considering I've spent the last 8 months dwelling on how absolutely ecstatic it makes me to see him smile.

Oh well.

1 Pirate | X marks the spot

:: 2005 17 November :: 12.43 pm

I haven't updated this in a while. Wonder if anyone actually looks at it.

Theres nothing better than sitting in study hall, jammin' to Carmina Burana, and updating your online journal. This is the climax of my life, seriously, it just all goes down from here.

I'd like to cosplay Aerith.

(PS searching for aerith on google images during school is a piss poor idea. I forgot how much fanboys adore aerith... and adore seeing her naked =/)

Shes so sweet. I think it'd be fun.

In creative writing, conroy showed me the pamplet for a FFXII demo he obtained. He said the demo honestly wasn't that great... that it was alot like X-2. But the graphics look purdy =3

1 Pirate | X marks the spot

:: 2005 8 August :: 3.43 pm
:: Mood: peaceful
:: Music: Doesn't Remind Me - Audioslave

I walk the streets of Japan till I get lost
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
With a graveyard tan n'carrying a cross
It doesn't remind me of anything
I like studying faces in a parking lot
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like driving backwards in the fog
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget

I like gypsy moths and radio talk
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like gospel music and canned applause
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like colorful clothing in the sun
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like hammering nails, and speaking in tongues
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget

I like throwing my voice and breaking guitars
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like playing in the sand what's mine is ours
If it doesn't remind me of anything

X marks the spot

:: 2005 24 July :: 9.57 pm

Stunkel seemed as though he was trying to be away from me today at Ren Faire.

I thought (being the optimist I am. Ha. Thats a joke) Maybe he wanted to say something to Reid that he didn't want me to hear, and one of the possible things he could have had to say to Reid would be news of him wanting to ask me out again.

But I just asked Reid online, and he said that he is sure that Stunkel wont ask me out again, and was avoiding me because he felt awkward around me.

Upon being utterly bummed out by hearing this, I vented to the only person online, Joe. Joe said that he agrees with Reid, because he still feels weird seeing his ex-girlfriend from 3 years ago.

Then I started thinking, and it was true. I still get butterflies seeing Adam... but bad butterflies. I fear him talking to me, and we broke up 2 years ago. And Adam did want to go out with me again. Stunkel probably feels the same way about me as I do about Adam... but multiplied by like 1000 because I only have the chance to see Adam twice a year at conventions, but Stunkel has to face me a few times a month.

And being one who has experienced it, I'd never want to force that type of feeling on anybody, especially someone I care about so much. So thats that, the chapter is over. The page has been turned. I'm just going to stop wishing for it, and stop pursuing it, because I'm just being a nuicense in my efforts. Its hard to just drop such a strong emotion as love, but I'll just have to be strong.

X marks the spot

:: 2005 24 July :: 7.50 pm

The book is closed. I'll stop bothering anymore. I'm just being a nuisence.

X marks the spot

:: 2005 23 July :: 5.18 pm

1.Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4. Write down what it says: "... for example, and still be conscious. Consciousness is like a room that..." from Jung's Map of the Soul, a psychological study.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? Parents bed.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? Haha, last night I was watching Oprah, they were investigating the American Prison system. It was actually pretty interesting.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is: 5:20

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 5:27

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? "Loompa Land" from the CatCF soundtrack.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? Went to see CatCF with dad this morning, then we went shopping for a bit.

8. Before you came to this website [started this survey], what did you look at? Livejournal, other peoples xangas.

9. What are you wearing? Jorie's baggy black jeans and a bright green tshirt that says "Peace Love Art"

10. Did you dream last night? I did, everybody dreams usually 4 times a night. However I don't remember the dreams.

11. When did you last laugh? ...At the movie, methinks. Or at my dad saying "Johnny Depp is really an amazing actor. I mean, he made Jack Sparrow into the biggest fag of a pirate I've ever seen, but I still loved the character! That takes talent."

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? Nothing, its my parents room xD If I had a computer in my room, this would easily take up half a page.

13. Seen anything weird lately? "I've tried it on like twenty Oompa Loompas, and they all turned into blueberries. Its just plain weird!"

14. What do you think of this quiz? It makes up for the lack of people to talk to at the moment.

15. What is the last film you saw? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Is anybody suprised?)

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? Johnny Depp, and a Willy Wonka costume for him to wear around the house. I guess if that wasn't possible (Slavery is frowned upon, you know), then a working Playstation 2 xD

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know: If you don't know it already, then why should I just blurt it out all of the sudden? Some things are best kept secret...

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? I would stop country/culture boundries. Everybody would be considered another human being, and there would be no more wars, because the land would belong to everybody.

19. Do you like to dance? Oh I love it, can't say that people enjoy looking at me dance however.

20. George Bush- Ugh >.<

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Gwenyfara Madeline

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? I'd like the middle name to be Vash no matter what... but as far as first names go... Issac, Sebastian, .. theres more, I just can't think of them.

23. Would you ever consider living abroad? I'd like to travel the world and meet as many people as I can.

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates? "Hey, you're that girl that looks like a squirrel!" Haha. I kid, I kid. I'm not sure, though I would want a full report on whom I have influenced and how it worked out for them.

X marks the spot

:: 2005 23 June :: 8.06 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: World at Large - Modest Mouse


Ice age heat wave, can't complain
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gone to find another place, maybe one I can stand
I move on to another day
A whole new town with a whole new way
Went to the porch to have a thought
Got to the door, but then I just couldn't stop
Don't know where, and don't know when
But I've still got my words, and I've got my friends
Walk on to another day, work a little harder, work another way
Well uh-uh baby, I ain't got no plan
Gonna float on, maybe would you understand?

The days get shorter and the nights get cold
I like autumn, but this place is getting old
Pack my belongings, and I head to the coast
It might not be alot, but I feel like I'm making the most
The days get longer and the nights smell green
I guess its not suprising, but its spring and I should leave
I like songs about drifters - books about the same
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane
I walked on off to another spot
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

Moths beat themselves to death against a light
Adding their breeze to the summer nights
Outside, water-like air was great
I didn't know what I had that day
Walk a little farther to another plan
You said that you did, but you didn't understand
I know that starting over's not what life's about
But my thoughts are so loud, I just can't hear my mouth
My thoughts are so loud...


This song really reminds me of Stunkel. Anyone who knows him well enough would agree, I think...

X marks the spot

:: 2005 11 June :: 9.36 pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Feel Good Inc. - Gorillaz

I've had a dream about Stunkel every night for the past 4 nights. No bad dreams, nothing with him dumping me or being mean, every dream has been about us getting back together or going on a nice date.

I found riding in the back of Jorie's car on the way to the Kays Place concert to be extremely hard, because my mind associates it with reaching over and grabbing his hand. And while part of me was shaken with the realization that I may never feel that again, another stronger part was really happy that I was able to experience that kind of joy in the first place.

Its taken a while, but I think I'm finally coming to terms with it. Thats not to say that I'm not going to hope that when he feels ready for a relationship that he'll turn back to me, or that I can even find anybody else right now even remotely desirable (Honestly, most of the time I have a mental list of people I'd say yes to if asked for a date, but right now I wouldn't consider *anybody* but him.) But I'm coming to terms in that I'm able to smile at the past.

X marks the spot

:: 2005 29 May :: 2.26 pm
:: Music: Mutilated Lips - Ween

I have mean friends ;.;

Falcon Mitsukai [2:17 PM]: heyo
Linders Pinderss 2:17 PM]: dude, don't steal my word.
Falcon Mitsukai [2:18 PM]: ive used heyo before
Falcon Mitsukai [2:18 PM]: and hiya
Falcon Mitsukai [2:18 PM]: which is typically used by stunkel
Falcon Mitsukai [2:18 PM]: xDDD did I ever tell you that story
Falcon Mitsukai [2:18 PM]: from his lit class?
Linders Pinders [2:18 PM]: god, please NO.
Falcon Mitsukai [2:18 PM]: its funny
Falcon Mitsukai [2:19 PM]: and has nothing to do with him
Falcon Mitsukai [2:19 PM]: but something that happened in his lit class
Falcon Mitsukai [2:19 PM]: they were reading death of a salesman outloud
Falcon Mitsukai [2:19 PM]: and the guy doing happy
Falcon Mitsukai [2:19 PM]: it says in the book "Hiya, Biff"
Falcon Mitsukai [2:20 PM]: and he read it like "HIIIIIYA! ... Biff" Like, a karate noise, because he didnt know what Hiya was xDD
Linders Pinders [2:20 PM]: wow, I saw that coming a mile away. Seriously.
Falcon Mitsukai [2:20 PM]: you're so mean ;.;

2 Pirates | X marks the spot

:: 2005 24 May :: 12.41 pm

Life is strangely... life-like right now.

Everything is too normal. Too normal, I don't like it one bit. I wish things weren't so AVERAGE!!

I need something amazing, something out of this world, something incredible... but all thats going on right now is dull boring average activities. It needs to stop >.<

1 Pirate | X marks the spot

:: 2005 22 May :: 10.41 pm

So I guess in any other case it would be hubris to claim this, but I feel right now, its truth.

I am Trigun's biggest fan!!

And I am hereby challenging anybody to dare take the crown from me. I dare 'ya!

X marks the spot

:: 2005 14 May :: 7.20 am

Now that I'm calmer I suppose I can explain my previous confusing post.

So I had to take the bus home friday, which pissed me off because everyone on my bus is loud (Not your typical loud, this is like, ear piercing loud. And they always roll up paper and smack one another with it, which creates this snapping whip sound that grinds at my soul). Then I got home and my sister was online. Then I discovered that Stunkel had tried calling for a ride home, but it never got through for some reason, and I felt terrible. These were all minor.

Then I discovered that Stunkel couldn't make it to the con. This created a few tears, half of which because I was looking forward to being with him all weekend, and half of which out of slight anger because the whole reason I had no place to stay is because I was trying to find a place for us to stay together. I had a spot in Brittany's hotel room, but just for me, and when Stunkel came along I had to tell her to fill my spot up because I was going to stay with Stunkel no matter what. But I cant be mad at him, its not his fault.

Then I got to the con and worse news came about (Jorie, if you're curious, when you called you probably noticed that I was crying, and I think you presumed I was still crying about Stunkel not going, but in truth I had just found out about the following like 5 minutes before you called) As soon as I stepped into the con, Kim said "Kristen, I need to talk to you...alone" so we went into her hotel room when she told me "...So I know we promised to keep our knowledge of the affair secret from our parents... but I've walked in on them having sex, and seen them cuddling on my couch before, so I needed to bring it up to my dad. He told me that your mom and him were planning on getting married in October, and moving to Arizona, because my dad'll be retiring." Shes not a terribly reliable source, but its a believable story.
How terrible would that be? I've finally got a life... a bunch of great friends, I'm very involved in afterschool activities, I've got the next 2 years planned out for VHHS, I'm already looking at Illinois colleges, not to mention a steady boyfriend that I am not about to leave because my mom wants to live with her affair of 2 years.
I'm sure my dad wouldn't go to Arizona, so he'd be staying here, probably in the same house. I would just tell the court that I want to stay with my dad, they can't force me to leave to Arizona if they hear my reasoning, right? If they dont then I'll just file for independence, I'd do anything to stay here.

The weird thing is, if this had happened about 4 months ago, I would have gladly gone "Good! I'm finally getting out of this goddamn school district with no potential friends, I can live near Faithy!!!" and probably wouldn't have even tried to make any friends, wouldn't have gotten more involved in theatre, and wouldn't have met Stunkel. A terrible thought, makes me wonder what other wonderous things I've missed in life...

1 Pirate | X marks the spot

:: 2005 13 May :: 6.25 pm

I stood proud and tall, all plans made, and those not made were of no stress to me. I stepped on alot of people to get to my place at the top. Then one of those people came and threw me a punch, then another one rose and I recieved another blow. One after another, after another until I was left gazing right at him, the one person I had left, and i asked "Et tu?". And he threw the final stabbing punch, right to my gut, that sent me tumbling to the ground in pain and tears.

(Aw boy, Caesar reference. Ambiguity intended, I'll explain it once I'm in a better mood. I'm always metaphorical and full of alliteration when life is in the process of beating me down.)

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