We've no time for later now

:: 2010 6 March :: 7.17pm
:: Mood: cynical
:: Music: Arcade Fire

wtf.
Here I am, fairly confident because all the normal signs are there; keeping an eye on my fb, unintentional compliments, long phone conversations ending with what sounds like a genuine "nice talking to you, as always".

But the trailing conversation regarding Napoleon's crush and what to do about her leading on kept me thinking all the time: what about my situation?

And so I asked the best friend of my object of affection if things look positively for me. Alas! He suggests they do not and he is merely appeasing me via the expected social niceties.

That sort of tears down any idea I had regarding an approach to the situation. Instead of positively, I feel I can only begin with questions whether it is only for politeness sake or if he truly enjoys conversing with me.

I'm in loop thought and can do nothing but lay down. There isn't any place for me anywhere but my bed and no focus behind my eyes to try to read or attend to a movie.

And despite how up in the air the opinion was (how credible is it if Napoleon hasn't spoken to Danny in some time, and certainly not about the same topic), I can't help but feel a shade of hopelessness and concern. There seems to be no place for me in the world as well as my house. What exactly am I doing?

:: 2010 14 February :: 6.46pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Moonlight Sonata

St. L trip to forget.
"And is never failed that during the dry years the people forgot about the rich years, and during the wet years they lost all memory of the dry years. It was always that way."

I've started East of Eden. It's very good thus far (75 pages) and has some wonderful quotes. It isn't anything like the movie (yet).

***

Despite my surprise at Napoleon's willingness to help me, I am too thankful to ruin it by questioning him. He might be helping for Danny's sake...Or maybe to repay me for my non-judgmental help with his somewhat dishonourable task.

Regardless, I am again talking to Danny and he seems excited to talk to me, oddly.

I am not yet brave enough to say anything, which I find strange, since that's the only reason I've ever had a bf.

I don't mind so much, though. I enjoy talking to him so much that it doesn't matter what happens and whatever does, I will allow.

***

I spent the weekend in St. Louis with Jessica for Mardi Gras and her birthday. I thought it would be tons of fun, but honestly, it was sort of not. I arrived Thursday night and we went to the grocery store and then to bed. Friday, we woke up and Jess went to class and I read (East of Eden) and almost as soon as I went to the coffee shop down the street, she called to say she'd be home for a bit for lunch. I then went to lunch with Dan and his friends (who are just as unkempt as him and one smelled like a hobo) and we visited Urban Outfitters. After that, he took me back to Jessica's and we went to the Library restaurant beneath her apt. It was pretty neat and the ribs were good (and free). We then went shopping and Danny called me and J got mad at me for talking on the phone too much, which I suppose was warranted, but I don't feel so badly because she rarely actually listens when I talk, usually focusing on something else (i.e. texting). However, the anger and both of our stubbornness meant we didn't talk for an hour in the car (she insists she win everything and I couldn't let her think she had me under her thumb, so I refused to start the talking). Once we got Mindy from the airport, all resumed. That night, David's (her roommate) friends came in as well and they already had the keg opened by the time we got back to their apartment. None of the three of us were really into partying, so we made cookies and only made a slight appearance at the far-too-busy bars to say hello. We went back and after hanging out a little bit, Eileen and Mike came back screaming at each other. Jessica's attempt to mediate didn't work so well, and Mindy and I just talked while that happened. We finally went to bed around midnight, and about 2.30, the party came back. They were loud enough to wake us up, but also Eileen and Mike, who resumed their fight. So I was up til 3.15.

The alarm went off at 6am the next morning. We all showered and David woke his friend up by blasting music at 7. They cooked eggs and we were supposed to be drinking (beer and hand grenades). It was just too early. Mindy napped and I snacked on Goldfish. We went to Humphrey's (bar) at ten to get free tickets for the shuttle to take us down to Soulard for the parade. Jessica was already too drunk and I'd only had one drink at the apt and another at Humphrey's (for the ticket). Soulard was busy and everyone was excited, but we didn't go to the bar the other kids went to, we (J, Mindy, and I) went to another to pee and get J some water. There, Mindy and I got another drink, though Jess decided she wanted to go home and Mindy never finished hers. We left just as the parade was starting; we walked back to where we got dropped off and hailed a cab. J feel asleep in the car and threw up the moment she got back, then passed out.

Mindy and I made Ramyan and tried to watch a movie, but it didn't work, so we tried to nap. She was successful, but I was woken from half sleep four times by people coming in and screaming, so I gave up. Once J woke up, she curled up in the chair (and I tried to sleep again) and started whining that she couldn't breathe. I told her to lay flat so as to not compress her lungs, but she didn't listen. She called all her friends and told them she was having trouble breathing and so, concerned, they insisted on taking her to the ER. I still believe it was because she got three hours of sleep, ate hardly anything, drank, threw up, and slept alcohol induced and her body was working too hard and stressing itself out. She was fine and just whining a lot. She didn't end up even being checked in, but by the time we got back at 7.30, I was done and ready for bed. So Mindy and I slept while J called Dan, who is apparently fine with her now.

We got up this morning and left for the bus. Jessica was nice enough to buy me McDonald's and I still made the bus. The trip was boring, though I sat next to a nice girl and read a lot.

And now I'm home. It was the second crappiest trip I've ever taken (the first being the one to MN to see Jen, where I was in the ER the first night and she slept the entire second day), the redeeming qualities really being Mindy and talking to Danny.

That's all for now. :)

:: 2009 30 December :: 5.42pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Zero 7

But if the adversary of all evil
Was courteous, thinking of the high effect
That issue would from him, and who, and what,
To men of intellect unmeet it seems not.
Where am I?

Where am I?

What am I doing?

Nothing.

I am nowhere doing nothing.

Big

empty

sky,

e----------n----------d----------l----------e----------s----------s

____________flat____________________

land,_________________

cliche

tumbleweeds
and

d . u ` . s . ` ' , t . ` ' . . ` ,` ' ... `; ' `;` ` .. ` . : . ` `. . ``

No one around.

Distantly,

perhaps,

a person?

Nay, only a mirage.

Surely people come here several times in their life; they arrive often in intervals, like Miami and the Bahamas witness during spring breaks and summer vacations.

But always alone.

You are always alone.

Maybe I'm growing up. Why am I doing this? I don't know. I just know that I have and I'm only doing it because it seems right. "Would you like to come over?" Yes. But only because it sounds familiar. The experience, however, is alien. The truth is that I could not be more confused.

I need a job; this I know. But where? Hm. I feel useless, for sure.

And why-why is anyone friends with me? I can easily answer this for Campy or Jessica. Drinking buddy or errand buddy. They call so they don't have to do things alone. We're not truly friends, because when it comes down to it, that's all it is. J could care less about my confusion, particularly because she has an "awesome friend group" and "loves [her] friend group soooo much". Bug and Q are their own. All I really serve to either is someone to hang out with in VH, and the occasional art discussion with Bug. Napoleon has been talking badly about me before he left for China, and now comes back and we're friends again???

I admit, this is probably just how I feel. All of this isn't necessarily true. But I've realised that neither Danny nor Maggie has anything to gain from my friendship. And it's awesome when either call me or hang out with me. I couldn't feel happier than after a good discussion with either.

I've narrowed it down to their understanding of life. Danny doesn't need to drink to feel accepted and is perfectly happy doing his own thing. He's happy with what he has and does his best not to complain. Maggie is happy because she makes sure she is happy. She loves her kids and she loves life itself. These are the kind of people with whom I need to surround myself, not petty, picky people who judge and condescend and treat me badly.

So in the interim, what do I do? Read.

I read to not hear about the shop. I read to learn about somewhere else. To escape. But why don't I just get a damn job and leave? I should.

I will have Jessica come over as soon as my g-ma leaves to help me with my cover letters. And I'll call Ruby Tuesday the day after the New Year. Holidays are not good business days for finding jobs.

Maybe I'll call Danny again. I am super afraid of annoying him. I'd really like to keep him around. He's a good person, and a very good friend.

:: 2009 7 December :: 1.20am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: amelie

So long story-short, I've been super careful not to annoy him and he asked why I'm so formal with him.
-.-
So I'm going to call him tmro. I wish I didn't feel like I have to be so silly about this.

:: 2009 28 November :: 9.14pm
:: Mood: complacent

I don't really know what to write tonight. I just thought the other day that I should update so I know (later on) what I was thinking about. I want to teach at Santa Maria as an art teacher. I would love to teach and I think it would be easiest to get experience in a subject that isn't required. I just want to do something. Among my list are writing books, one cataloging a complete history of twentieth century pop culture and a series of stories from the lives of people who lived in a time that my generation (and generations after mine) learn about as history. I also want to make knickers. I think they'd be cute as hell with a pair of high-heeled boots.

It's Thanksgiving weekend and I saw Cathy Topor and Jen Castro this weekend. They are both doing well. I realised I know very little about Cathy anymore. Unfortunately, we were separated before we became aware of emotions in any grown-up sense, so we didn't suffer angst the same way at all and know very little about that part of each other's lives.

I wanted to hang out with Danny more than once, but didn't, and he's likely heading back tomorrow morning. I also wished to have spent time with Bug and Q, though they are too busy for me. Most people just didn't answer their phones while they were here, though I saw a lot of people at the mall from high school.

I really miss having people near me and it's worse to know they're near and still be stuck at home. I'm not even feeling sorry for myself. I thought it would be inappropriate to stay home (like I usually do) when people were actually in town. But I've spent most of my time with my parents anyway.

Oh, well. Teaches me not to get excited for things at all.

I need to write a stupid cover letter to get a job. I don't want to work at the shop anymore. I generally don't mind it, but I'd like to get paid every week or every two and not worry about the owner (my dad) trying to pay the bills. Also, it would provide some separation from my mum, which I don't need nearly as much as she does. She's been throwing fits lately about the silliest things. I just don't understand how people get so upset about nothing.

I guess that's it. Good day!

:: 2009 12 November :: 9.10am
:: Mood: awake

Another dream:

I had just come out of some show or something with some grandparents, and the group of us were walking down a sidewalk in a small-town downtown, squishing and swerving to avoid sidewalk boards and awning poles. We turned the corner and there was a group of people my age hanging outside a bar (enough to make us go single file) and they shouted that I should join them at a party at one of their houses.

So I went. I spent most of the night observing people and talking. There was someone taking pictures with the host's camera and I recalled some conversations regarding day jobs.

It was later on that we began discussing some crime (maybe a murder?) that occurred and the three suspects. After some time of deliberation, and what seemed (without much dream discussion) that all three people had motives and opportunities equal to the other two, we went to bed, resolving to solve it in the morning.

The TV was on, and one of the people I was discussing it with was sleeping on the chair at the end of the bed. I was laying sprawled out (in real life, too) on my back, with my hands around the pillow. I felt pressure at the side of my left thigh (which no doubt was really my dog), but stayed with my eyes closed, convinced it was the cat.

I felt my arm grabbed, and opened my eyes quickly to one of the suspects on the board. He had had his hair cut since the party and left a tiny triangle tuft at the front of his head, directly center. He looked me in the face and said, "It was me and we're going to watch my Target commercial."

Since my face was looking at the ceiling, I asked if I may turn over. He said, "No" quickly, and continued to watch his commercial. I squirmed a bit....and then woke up.

:: 2009 27 October :: 2.17am
:: Music: tommib help buss

i tried to keep this crush at bay, knowing it was silly from before it's existance, but i'm out of control now. silly, silly me.

:: 2009 29 September :: 10.47am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: broken social scene

dreams
I already typed this last night, but for some reason it wouldn't send.

I'm very glad I kept this journal; I can go back and laugh at fourteen-year-old self when I'm thirty.

I had a dream the other night that woke me up at four and kept me awake for an hour at least. It featured three kids who'd decided to commit suicide in a public pool. Their ages were three, six, and seven, two boys and a girl, respectively. The youngest went first, simply laying face down in the pool; the eldest second, by tying a brick to her foot. I don’t recall the third. The images are really just a succession, and my brain filled in the gaps.

Three kids in the center of the pool. The two older are looking at the youngest.
The youngest lays face down. He doesn’t struggle, but his siblings wait for him to die.
The middle boy treads water, looking at the blur that is his sister underwater.
One boy face up, one face down, and a shadow of peach beneath the cyan water, while a crowd looks on.
The newspaper, black and white image of the same, with some headline regarding it’s outrageousness.

I had no emotional connection to the children, and only watched them die. The newspaper article struck the memory, but only that. Still no emotion. I have no idea what it all means.

Danny said it could be like Freud said, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar". But then, I should be in either an institution or a prison, particularly because this is not the first time I've dreamed like this.

:: 2009 3 August :: 2.11am

When you see my face I hope it gives you hell

:: 2009 30 July :: 2.14am

Want to hear from Job place! Ugh nervous.

:: 2009 19 July :: 6.52pm
:: Music: Dark Star- Beck

I sense that I am too old to be blogging.
I thought I had it out of my system a couple of years ago yet here I am.
Maybe facebook just got boring.

My boyfriend's mom gave me a Goldfinch bird feeder for graduation. Its fantastic, we have birds at our house all day. I really wish I could motivate myself to go bird watching because its always so exciting to identify a bird you haven't seen in a while. Yeah I like birdwatching, so what? Ducks are really cool to watch but often hard to see on lakes and such (unless they are mallards of course).

I really miss singing. Rockband made me realize that today. I miss learning and expanding my talents. I would like to take classes at the community college. Problem is scheduling it around whatever job I get in the future. I want to take Arabic mostly because I'm fascinated with the Middle East and loved the classes I took at school. I'm also looking into taking and Early Childhood Education course because that may help with my future goals of doing environmental education.

Need to decide what I'm going to do about my gym membership. Right now I can't afford to pay $70 a month but who knows if I'll get a job or not this month. Oy.

Job job job job yob jahbuh gob george oscar bluth.

It will be strange to be here during the winter. I'm not sure I'll like it, Ohio got a whole lot less snow.

Well... I should try and contact Andrew though hes probably playing guitar.

-Jackie

:: 2009 18 July :: 12.40pm

Went to a job fair today. Lady asked me if I would be happy doing that kind of work. I lied.

Andrew said I'm feeling sorry for myself. I guess hes kind of right. Its not so much feeling sorry for myself as it is being incredibly pessimistic. All I can think is that my life will amount to nothing and I know that kind of attitude isn't going to get my anywhere. Still.

I think I did pretty well during the interview at the job fair today though. The only problem I encountered was not being able to come up with any questions to ask...such as "When will I hear from you?" or "are there benefits?" Yeah nothing came to mind.

I have a really stupid looking scar on the back of my hand.

Yesterday I was doing really well with watching what I ate but then we went to Red Robin and I got a delicious BLTA (Bacon lettuce tomato/turkey and Avacado) croissant. Its 1100 or so calories. Wow. It kind of sucks when you start looking at what you eat and its all not good for you.

I want to be productive now that I've been up since 7:30 but I feel more like napping. I keep trying to convince myself to clean my room and then read but its not working. Maybe I will nap. I'm getting super tired.

Some day I'll finish 1984.

-Jackie

:: 2009 16 July :: 3.02pm

It took me like an hour to get in here.

Why did I spend so long trying to enter an online journal I hadn't seen in 4 years you ask?

No clue.

It might be because every now and them I am catching weird whiffs of high school in the air. I suppose that happens when you become a townie.

Funny that this is my go-to journal writing style. I guess I always liked separating thoughts by gaps.

As I'm sure any of you reading this know, re-entering an old journal requires you to re-enter the mind of your past self. Re-read the old posts, re-read your friends old posts, reread the various comments. I have to say that re-reading made me bored. We were all the same. Our minds combined to form one massive blob of self-pity and teenage angst. "Our powers combined..." Except we didn't save the planet. Too busy wallowing.

So where am I now? Far beyond what I was? Perhaps. I am no longer driven by a need for drama or hatred of myself. No, fear is behind the wheel now. Like that Incubus song. I'm terrified of pushing myself forward. Here I am, a college graduate of 2 months and I still have no idea what to do.

I found this in a freshman year of college journal entry:

"And why they hell did I choose zoology?!
Who was I kidding? I can't do this!
What a dumb career path!
What do I think I can do with this?"

All valid thoughts as it turns out. Luckily I ended up adding on Environmental Science, but in this job market...psh.

I need money but I also need more experience. I'm just slightly terrified of beginning my life. What if I start out in the wrong field for the wrong reasons? What if I never end up loving what I do? Life is scary because I feel that people never get what they want out of it. I fear I won't ever get to travel again. I fear that I won't make a difference. I fear that I won't let myself live up to my full potential...or an even bigger fear....maybe this is my full potential.

At least at this point in my life, I have a better idea of who I am. Maybe.

-Jackie

:: 2009 11 June :: 1.30am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: Strokes-"Razorblade"

Dream
The other night I had a weird dream. I'm surprised I still remember it, except it was vivid and it seemed like the most important thing in the world.

A rabbit was in the back of his cage, not moving. He was dying or dead and losing hair. Soon he was joined by two other rabbits, just magically, not let in or anything. One of them was completely disinterested in the sick rabbit, but the other began to lick or nibble on him. The sick rabbit began to disintegrate, almost melt, down to bone and bits of fur. He became hollow and even lost his eyeballs. I nudged the licking bunny away, and a short time later (dream lapse time), the sick bunny started to reanimate. He became well and in a following conversation, I prided myself on my interference as though it was nothing but him being out of food for a day.

I have no idea what it means, so I thought I'd look it up.

Rabbits
To see a rabbit in your dream, signifies luck, magical power, and success. You have a positive outlook on life. Alternatively, rabbits symbolize abundance, warmth, fertility and sexual activity. The dream can also be associated with Easter time and your own personal memories of Easter.

To see a white rabbit in your dream, symbolizes faithfulness in love.

I don't remember it being white, but maybe? Or maybe my sexual activity is gone and I need someone to nudge away the acid?

Skeleton

To see a skeleton in your dream, represents something that is not fully developed. You may still in be the planning stages of some situation or project. Alternatively, a skeleton suggests that you need to get to the bottom of some matter. The dream may also be a metaphor for skeletons in your closet. Do you have something to hide?

To see someone depicted as a skeleton, signifies that your relationship with them is long dead.

Well, that just confuses things.

There was another dream that accompanied it, but I no longer remember it.

In other news, I have so much work to do and should not be wasting time on this business. I have to finish sewing the whole of one costume by tmro, another by Monday, and complete the lining and alterations of a third by Tuesday.

Then, I have a big project due Wednesday for my film class and I've barely begun my research on Fritz Lang.

Then next week, I'm supposed to meet with Geopolis with my research on 1960's Japanese literature.
Also, I need to meet with Melanie and Stefin to help with Alice in Wonderland for Jackalope Theatre.

Assuming this lasts long enough, I'll look back and think that I was doing really well for myself, but only one show is paid. :/

That said, back to it. Also, my film class including a showing of Dali and Bunuel's Un Chein Andalou, which has surrealistic images and pointless intertitles. I imagine I'll be dreaming in intertitles for the next week. I think my rabbit dream was influenced by the Agit Prop from last week.