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The girl with the dreamer's eyes and a soul for her smile...

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:: 2008 26 February :: 4.46pm
:: Mood: heartbroken

I will be with you again.
On Saturday February 23,2008 at 5:30pm we put down my dog Amber. My precious sweet girl. I miss her so much. I'm having such a hard time letting her go. I don't want to move on without her. She's been there for me my whole life, well since about the time I can remember any of my life. Whenever I was having a difficult time or a problem, or when I was upset, she was there and she always cheered me up. She loved me unconditionally and could never judge me. She was my best friend. She was more than a dog, she was like my child. I was the one to take care of her, I was the one she looked after. Life has less meaning to me now. Theres no purpose without her. I feel more alone than ever. I thought maybe if I could just let it all out I would somehow feel better, or be able to move on. I don't know how to live with myself. I'm suppose to protect her. She trusted me. I feel like I let her down somehow. I hope she understands. She was such a big part of my heart and I didn't even realize I would take this so hard. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. She was the love of my life, I care for her so much. I wish I had more time with her. Sometimes I took for granted the time I did have with her. I can't stop thinking about her. I hope she is ok. One day I will see her again. She will always be in my heart and I will miss her everyday.

Amber, my sweet baby girl. I love you with all my heart.

LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!


:: 2007 30 September :: 4.00pm
:: Mood: sad

He only thinks about himself.
He might as well date himself.

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:: 2007 30 April :: 7.08pm
:: Mood: hurt

He doesn't even know
How I feel about him. I guess he thinks he knows, or thinks what he wants to think. Maybe he doesnt believe how strongly I feel for him. I want so much with him. I wish he could see it. I wish he cared to. I am so crazy in love with him and I think about how much he has grow a part of me everyday. Everyday I think about how much I care for him, and how no matter what he does he gives me that feeling that is the best feeling. The most indescribable feeling. I will never stop loving him this way. I wish he understood how he really hurts me sometimes. I get so frustrated that maybe he really doesnt feel like I feel. I feel lead on. I feel like Im hoping and waiting. For what? Im not even sure. I want to know for sure what he wants. Maybe hes afraid to grow up, afraid of responsibility, afraid of commitment. Which if it is true, im a fool. If he even knows. I want to know if I am wasting my time waiting for him to want to care. I dont even know what he wants with me anymore. He cant even answer me. Well he could answer me but it'd just be words. I dont even know if he means anything he saids because he never acts like hes says he feels, shows me how he feels. Theres never any effort or desire for how he says he "feels". I don't know where to go from here. Its not fair to me, I want him to be honest, whether he ends up hurting me or whether we do belong together.

Does he care about how I feel? Does he want more with me? Is he still attracted to me? Does he still want me? Does he want to make me happy anymore? Does he want to experience new things with me? See the world with me? Does he care?

I am in love but does he know it?
Is he?

LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!


:: 2007 22 April :: 2.55pm

You know...

3 TOUCH THE WATER!!!s | LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!


:: 2006 25 December :: 3.33am

lesson learned ! can't wait for the next one
i never really considered it putting up walls but i guess that's what it really is .. i don't know why i thought that you'd be any different or that i could even begin to sort out this mess of emotions i have ready to burst out of my skull and explain to you what's in my head because it's not fair that i can't i just fucking can't and you don't understand and i get so close but it never comes out because i think once i say one word in the wrong direction it's going to explode and everything i've ever done will be wrong and i don't want to just be this way anymore and it's not fair that i can't do it it's not fair i just want you to be there for me and try to understand but instead you sit and grin and bear five minutes with me so that maybe you can get some tonight and don't even try to hide it and that's what fucking hurts that's what it is that's exactly what it fucking is and i dont want to deal with it ever again in my life of course not like it would come up anyway but just in case just so you know not me not happening and if its walls then its walls and if its irrational then so be it but fuck i'm not doing this again it's not happening you better learn girl get your shit together because it'll happen next time you're not careful if not for one reason then another damaged goods is the most appropriate term really and dead fucking on hit the nail on the goddamn head

you know though
it's better this way
it's not making love if you're not in love and it's not just sex with that trace of emotion lingering but don't worry i think it's pretty clear what it is ! because there's no trace of emotion anywhere mm mm no way not here i don't know why you'd even ask

better to just drop me off so that's what you did merry christmas to me it was going too good you know haha duh silly girl get your act together be on point because tonight is just the beginning of ten million more nights just like this

1 TOUCH THE WATER!!! | LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!


:: 2006 25 November :: 12.36am
:: Mood: heart broken

i'm alone.
How is it you are there, but still a part of me is missing? and i don't have you. I have nothing.
will it be okay? will I be okay?

My last entry : Oct 1, 2006 ...
and still until this date.


i miss us.

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:: 2006 1 October :: 5.35pm
:: Mood: upset

like crazy.
I miss your arms.
I miss your words.
and your touch.
and you.
All of you.

where are you?
Something is missing.
I can't feel you.

Has it finally changed?
Do I still have you?
Do I still have your love?
Do I still have your heart?

say something.

LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!


:: 2006 20 September :: 9.25pm
:: Mood: confused

i wish you would write again.
and i also wish you would take me seriously.
listen to me.
i sware i could sit there and say nothing and you wouldn't even notice.
you think you still know me.
you don't.

LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!


:: 2006 31 August :: 11.48pm
:: Mood: hurt

Another day. Another fight.
I wish for one day things would change.
I'm sorry, I didn't know I was such a pain.
But don't let me get you down.
I won't let me get you down.
Not anymore.

Everything these days has come between us.
You are slipping away from me.
Our eyes no longer meet.
I am no longer your Juliet.
I am not your dreams and desires.
I am not the air you breathe.
I am a memory of what is lost.
A reminder of three words that have become unspoken by you.

Don't be afraid to let your heart speak.
Let it teach me your ways of passion and mystery.
If I am your fate, and you are mine.
Then I will wait, and hope that you will find your way back to me.
Or our love will fade.

Please don't let it.

1 TOUCH THE WATER!!! | LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!


:: 2006 26 July :: 8.35am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Bright Eyes

I sit and take slow, deliberate hits while he chain smokes his cheap cigars, bought at a seedy gas station at 1 a.m. He's infuriatingly accomodating and I want to scream FIGHT BACK but instead I take a few more hits, two aggresively and the next so passive but he takes no notice and explains on why I am oh so very right . Decidedly I hit it again and confide, I'm very dark, and he laughs it off and asks, is that what you think? And I laugh it off too, is it hollow to him, I wonder, and put myself back, what was I thinking??

LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!


:: 2006 11 May :: 8.20am

I've been busy as hell both studying for exams and performing and not having a computer that I had forgotten I even have an account here. For some reason I just remembered so I'll post.

First, exams went great. I was worried only about a couple, but I got the grade that I either expected or higher than expected in every class.

C+ 1.00 1.00 1.00 2.33
A 1.00 1.00 1.00 4.00
B+ 3.00 3.00 3.00 9.99
A- 3.00 3.00 3.00 11.01
MUT -2116-001 MUSIC THEORY 3
A- 3.00 3.00 3.00 11.01
A 2.00 2.00 2.00 8.00
MUN -4714-002 CHAMBER JAZZ (Will be an A when reported)
NR 1.00 0.00 0.00 0.00
A 1.00 1.00 1.00 4.00
Current Term 3.596
Cumulative through Summer 2006 3.548

I'd say I'm happy with my GPA right now, there were several things in the past that I did or didn't do that hurt it but it's still pretty good. If I hope to get accepted to UMiami for grad school its going to have to stay that good, and I'd like for it to be higher so I wont get stressed out not knowing whether or not ill be accepted. I want the audition to be the hard part, i dont want to have to think that they might not accept me because of my GPA.

Second, my old computer is history. It had been dropped twice previously, breaking the charger and charger input thing on the laptop. So when it finally died about 2 months ago, I wasn't THAT surprised...just upset. I lost about 2000 pictures, about 200 irreplaceable. I lost the lyrics to every song I'd ever written (about 25). I lost the audio of every song I've recorded but didn't have finished (about 30). I lost about 30 iTunes downloads that I didnt have backed up. I lost over 7,000 songs on itunes itself, but the majority of them are replaceable...it is just taking forever to replace them. Lost everything I had ever composed in sibelius or garageband. Luckily all the masters for the band songs are on an external hardrive, and now everything is backed up to it.

The new computer is a 20" iMac Intel Core Duo. I love it to death. It has literally made my life better and made using a computer fun again. One wire, so I can set it up in the weirdest of places (on my night-stand next to my bed), and with no external speakers or other crap I have room for my external hard drive, midi keyboard, audio interface, etc. Built in speakers, camera, mic. Comes with a remote than can control itunes, imovie, iphoto, and a dvd if inserted. every program i have has been able to run fine with the new intel chip thanks to Rosetta. I've spent the last few days loading music and downloading apps such as a neat alarm clark that works much more consistenly than my real alarm clock. I just love it.

LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!


:: 2006 19 March :: 1.14pm

If there is a marque better than Audi right now, i have not seen it.

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:: 2006 5 March :: 1.17am
:: Mood: enthralled

Sinner, A Self-Destructive Solo for Two Men
I went tonight with Hilary and Dan to see this show called Sinner, by Stan Won't Dance. It was by these two british guys, each of whom played a different side of the personality of the Soho Bomber from London. It started off with them lying on the ground amidst wreckage - literally chairs hanging from the ceiling. It was in the black box theater, so there were probably about 30-40 people in the room, and the stage is not elevated, it's just a reflective dance floor. So the guys got up eventually and did this show where they seamlessly integrated (did I steal that phrase from a review?) spoken dialogue and dance. Not normal dance, mind you, but VERY physical dance, where they literally threw each other around. So the guys walked into this gay bar, and immediately posed the question "do you know who the person beside you is?" It started out with the tall guy being rico suave in the gay bar, who sleeps around and does drugs, basically, and the short guy was really nervous, it was his first time in a gay bar, etc. So they were flirting kind of. Meanwhile, the text is very repetitive, which was cool. I mean like they say the same lines over and over, and do the same movements. It was kind of cyclical in a way? But it just kind of added to the confusion, because the whole point of the play is what was going on inside this guy's mind on the night he exploded a nail bomb in a gay bar. It's all his mental struggle. So as the show progresses, the tall guy eventually gets the short guy to take some drugs, and they start talking more philosophically. They had a really interesting bit about hate as an emotion, that feeling hate towards other people is feeling something, and other people hating you was feeling something. The tall guy also posed theoretically (kinda) blowing up something to gain celebrity status, while accomplishing something. Because after they talked about hate as an emotion, they started talking about who they hate. It started off as people with big glasses, and people with acne, then progressed to losers and assholes, and finally niggers, pakis, and queers (sorry, I wouldn't use that language, but it's in the show). It was just this progression inside the guy's mind of how he got to the point of hating people so much he would explode a nail bomb. Two times during the show the tall guy got phone calls from his conscience, while the short guy writhed on the ground, literally being beaten by some invisible force. Eventually both times he got beaten to the point that he was sprawled out on the ground in a crucifix position. The third phone call went to the short guy, and he repeated word for word what the tall guy had said to the conscience in the first phone call. Ah wait, before the third phone call there was a point where the short guy put on the tall guy's jacket. Also, each guy had a duffle bag...the short guy said his was filled with clothes, and we assume the tall guy's is filled with explosives. After the short guy gets off the phone, he asks the tall guy again if he has the right bag, and they go through a little thing with that. The tall guy asks when they would have gotten switched, the short guy says "I dunno, when I was on the phone" (both other times he had said "when you were on the phone"), and the tall guy answers "you were never on the phone." Short guy patted his pockets and realized there was no phone in there. Right after that they switch roles in repeating the dialogue. Each line was probably repeated at least 3-4 times throughout the show. Now they switched physical positions on stage and in the dance, and they switched lines...just completely swapped characters. Very shortly after that, the short guy repeated something he had said several times at the beginning about why he had come into the gay bar in the first place, but changed the demeanor and added a few "fucking queers." Other than that, it was the same. So basically they illustrated how this man (the Soho Bomber) went from just being a guy who walked into a gay bar with a duffle bag to blowing the place up. It was just really well done. At the end of the play, the short man just snapped, and he nailed the tall man to a table, then put the duffle bag down where it had been sitting at the beginning of the show, and all the lights turned off but the lights on the duffle bag.

After the show there was a Q&A...most of the questions were stupid ("Who was on the other end of the phone calls?"), but some of them elicited very good answers. The two guys who put on the show were very knowledgable. Hilary asked what they had changed, if anything, between performing the show in the UK and in America. They said they had to change a few words. One of the funny examples was there's a line near the beginning of the play saying that when he was walking into the gay bar he avoided the man next to the cigarette machine, which they had to change from "fag machine" in England. Apparently not everyone is familiar with British slang for cigarettes. They also said they had contemplated changing the word Paki, but there was no American equivalent. I'm not sure why people wouldn't get who they were referring to anyway. They also spoke a little bit about the background of the story. Apparently this man was a serial bomber in 1999, and he used nail bombs to blow up a black neighborhood, an Indian neighborhood, and this gay bar. They read a lot of police reports from the time and did a ton of research, and found out that this guy was most likely a closeted gay man struggling to accept his own sexuality. That was the theory behind a lot of the play being a flirtation between these two men. It went from him being a normal gay man walking into a gay bar to a man blowing up a gay bar, and everything in between. It really emphasized the choice this guy made between being those two people, either a normal gay man walking into a gay bar, or a serial bomber. My favorite thing that they talked about, and I can't remember the question now, delved into the religious imagery in the show. Hilary told me after the show, though I hadn't noticed it during, that there was a part when a cross was projected onto the stage, and it slowly morphed into a swastika. The guy, Liam, who...choreographed? the show and also starred as the short guy, talked about how this man had become his own martyr, and he explained that that was behind the ending of each phone call with him lying in a crucifix position. I really appreciated that he said this, because the play moved so quickly that it was hard to catch a lot of the deeper meaning imagery stuff. I had wondered about the picture on the cover of the program, which shows a man (Liam) with two nails in his head. I mean, this obviously has a lot of conotations with Jesus...they are the same kind of crucifiction nails, crown of thorns, etc. But the nails are placed in such a manner that they jut out like devil horns. The man in the story made himself out to be Christ, but in doing so, became a Sinner.

(The program picture is different, but it's the same basic principle.)

I found this article/review on the UFPA webpage, so I thought I'd share it.

UFPA presents
Stan Won't Dance
Tuesday, February 28 - Saturday, March 4, 2006, 7:30 p.m.
Phillips Center Black Box Theatre


British physical theater company Stan Won't Dance brings its groundbreaking performance Sinner to the Phillips Center Black Box Theatre for a five-night run on Tuesday, February 28 through Saturday, March 4, 2006. Show times are at 7:30 p.m. There will not be performance discussions.

Stan Won't Dance is comprised of Liam Steel and Rob Tannion, who met as performers with DV8 Physical Theatre. Wanting to perform issue-based works that fully integrate text and movement, the duo, along with executive director Ellie Beedham, formed Stan Won't Dance in 2004. Steel initially trained as an actor and moved into dance, while Tannion did the opposite, forming a complementary relationship that works during performances and during the creative process.

Their inaugural work is Sinner. Based on the events surrounding David Copeland-the "Soho bomber" who attacked London's black, Asian and gay communities with nail bombs in April 1999, killing three and injuring dozens-Tannion and Steel, along with writer Ben Payne, prepared for the production by reading every news article and police report on the case that they could find, and explored related issues and similar events. Sinner moves from a nervous pub flirtation between two gay men to a chilling psychological thriller, exploring prejudice, sexuality and the blurred boundaries between good and evil.

"You soon realize that good and evil just depends on your viewpoint, your social and cultural position and what your reference points are," Steel and Tannion explained to RainbowNetwork.com. "Icons of evil are easier and more preferable to distance ourselves from, and we can therefore take little responsibility for their actions-they are not like us. Or are they?"

Sinner seamlessly combines movement and spoken word, and an eerie set and lighting design reflect the show's intensity.

"Put all of these layers of spoken and physical text/choreography together, counted out and timed precisely to each track of music, then place it on a stage that is a sloping smashed mirrored floor with holes in it and furniture embedded in it and you start to build up a picture," said Tannion and Steel. "It's challenging, but ultimately very rewarding to both watch and perform."

Critics agree-Sinner has been met with resounding acclaim. The Daily Telegraph called the production "one of the most theatrically thrilling productions I've seen... period."

Ben Wright will replace Rob Tannion during Sinner's North American tour.

Sinner contains profanity and other material of an adult nature, video light effects, loud music and smoke.

LeAvE a PiEcE oF yOuR mInD!


:: 2006 7 February :: 12.39am

Fiction writing ain't your living room.

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:: 2006 30 January :: 4.26pm
:: Mood: optimistic
:: Music: "Dancing Through Life" -Wicked

New favorite class is Writing and Love. Today we watched a movie about Gandhi's Salt March, and then talked about nonviolence for a while. Vikram asked us all how nonviolence could work against terrorism. I was really hesitant to answer, as was, apparently, my entire side of the circle. Well, it wasn't really a circle or it wouldn't have had sides, now would it? It's a rectangle. But anyway, Vikram kinda turned to us and asked if we just didn't care. Then he said well, maybe I'm asking the question wrong; maybe it should be can nonviolence work against terrorism. I didn't want to talk, pretty much cause I thought my opinion on the matter was invalid...most of the class is some kind of other culture, and that got me in a bit of a pickle this morning in Social Problems, but that is a story for another day. So I raised my hand after a few seconds of hesitation, and he called on me. I said that I think there's an important distinction between oppression and terrorism. Nonviolence has proven very effective against oppression, for example the British in India in the 30's, and Martin Luther King's approach during the Civil Rights Movement. I said that all of the nonviolent protests I had heard of/studied are, at their core, a series of marches, boycotts, sit ins, etc. What exactly are we going to do, boycott al quaida? The actual individuals are dead...they crashed planes into the sides of buildings. So who are we to take a stand against? I said I think America took the most effective form of nonviolent response to terrorism that we could, we internalized it and united ourselves rather than externalizing it. At least for a time. I think if we would have continued that kind of action, or inaction, it could have been a successful nonviolent protest of terrorism, because we would have rendered the terrorism ineffective. At this point in time, I think that's the best we can hope for. I said I think that nonviolence is not an option against terrorism, but would be extremely effective instead of terrorism. Vikram took a second, then kinda said yeah, that's really good. He said "You articulated a popular argument. I mean, people have written whole books about this subject, and I don't think any of them have stated it as clearly as that." ^.^ This class is proving to be an enormous boost to my confidence. We've only had three freaking classes. I keep coming back to the point that somewhere along the line I've lost confidence in myself, and didn't even realize it. I think since going to college I've just grown incredibly unsure of myself. I'm more indecisive, if that's possible, I have more problems with public speaking, or, more specifically, articulating my ideas in front of groups/classes. I'm thinking maybe going from top dog in a lot of situations (senior, officer in everything under the sun) to being a freshman again contributed a lot to it. I'm really glad though that this class has begun to put my feet back under me.

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