>*when i l0ok in the mirr0r i imagine a pretty gurl
`& i think that can*t b me
`til i 0pen my eyes 'nd see the real me

the girl w i t h the br0wn e y e s wh0 has makeup smeared 0n her face

fr0m wipin away the tears

a girl wh0s afraid 0f r e g r e t
a girl wh0*s c0nfused
wh0 can*t make up her mind,
why must i fight my insecurites
why can't i b happy*

I Gave up my world... but you stabbed me in the back...

I'm calm on the outside... but on the inside ive been screaming constantly

I write, not for the sake of glory, not for the sake of same, not for the sake of success, but for the sake of my soul.

<<<<YoU DoNt LiKe WhAt I wRiTe, ToUgH sHiT>>>> ">..I doNt streSs theSe lil qameZ bytchez play cuZ aLL deM hoEs be faKKe aNyWaYs...



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My New Life

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:: 2004 6 September :: 9.25 am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: whow ants to be a millionair

Well, Hurrcane Frances is over. Finally, her winds wer pounding us... but theres yet another hurrcane in the ocean.. hurricane ivan, more deatils on himlater. my stomache hurts alot.. it has for 3 days... idont know..
im done writing.. my tummy hurts alot

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 3 September :: 10.29 am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: happy ending

well another hurricane is due to hit this weekend. school was cancelled today... but the hurriciane isnt even gouing to diractly hit us enless it somehow starts to go south. Hurricane fRances is a btich tho! shes gone down from a cat. 4 to a cat 3, and they think she might even go to a cat 2... i mean shes not going to be thatttt bad, like charley, but the eye of the storm is 80 miles long and yeah the whoel state is gettin sumpfin from her. shes wider than the state itsself.... haha silly hurricane. they had the biggest evacuation order ever in florida yesterday. they closed the south bound lanes and had those for peopel going north too! no one has gas, they are all sold out. what on earth has this come to? the damn thing isnt even going to hit us tho.. thats what im confused about, whatever. they arent too scared about it hitting here, charley was worse in my opinion, he was a cat. 4/5. ha! well 2 hurricanes in 3 weeks. lol.
school is kinda ghetto. im really sick of it,
michael and i are kinda sorting out the problem with us. but yeah i dunno. hes always talking to me abotu liz and yeah, that needs to stop... i feel bad but i really dont want to know that he jacks off to her.
today i think im going to hang out iwth Greg... i havnt for 2 weeks today. i miss hanging out with him and being with him.. and i know when i hang out with him today whats going to happen.. but i wont get into that.. Hah!

anyway- i dont know what else there is to do.. im really bored. ill write later. sorry i dont update as much.
i love you!
leave me comments

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 30 August :: 3.28 pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: oull think of me

Well the michael and my situation is taken care of. we aren't friends. he hurt me so bad it isn't close to funny. alot of people ar epissed at him.. alot of peopel cant believe him.. and he ruined me inside.. i hope he realizes hes such a fucking jack ass..

oh yeah
my new favorite song is.. youll think of me
sunday i went on the boat with lynds.. omg it was fun. i got really burnt tho. greg has been really busy lately.. he got a new doggie i wanna see! i havnt been with him for like a week! i wanna. i just wanna be with him and give him a huge hug.. i need one from him. he always knows what to say to me to make me stop cryin.

2 *To pieces!*... | *Do You love me?*

:: 2004 27 August :: 8.32 pm

i feel like shit

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 24 August :: 4.24 pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: do or die

Shit is dumb. Amanda the stupid girl.. shes still dwelling on last year when Jenna and i got into a fight. what a dumbass. i mean come on! that was me and jenna, we are friends now. and when jessica whatever her name was started telling me to change my profile and i told her no and told her idont care if her brother committted sucuide, i ddintk no him, dont tell me, and im not changing it to fit her. and then shes like... your making fun of my family, so i todl the girl off and amanda is psised and thinks ill say shit to her so she wont talk to me. tlak about holding a fucking grudge. she needs to grow the fuck up.. imean shell just be turnign 15 in december when every1 else will be 16.. so she can kiss my ass. im seriosu. she can kiss it . write later

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 23 August :: 4.08 pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: letters from home

finally when to school today. it was nice. We got lockers and stuff. today was much of a... goof off day... nothing really exciting happened... we start driving in drivers ed soon. michael and i are on speaking terms! Greg and i havn't really talked as much as we used to... i hope that doesn't mean what i think it means.. i dont think ill collaborate on that one!
I got my first hickey too! i will not dicuss when and where but that's all you need to kno :] i was very excited. lol never had one of those before.
britt and i got matching skirts at hollister and omg its so cute. its pink, kinda short, and shiny! i wore it to school today but i also wore it on friday night when i almost got killed.
yeah i actually rode in a car with strangers. AHH! it was quite scary... Adam gave me his knife just incase. oh yeah! thats right! Adam form 8th grade, i finally saw him fridya night! i thought he had to go back to canada where he came from but i guess i was wrong! haha...
i had to write a 600 word essay.. boy that was harsh.. it was how europe is a united entity.. yeah thats german to me to!
im driving! ima good driver. Audrey still takes me to school everyday. its so good. im so excited kinda to be back in school. im making more friends.. and everything just seems to be going good... tomorro is the hard day.. i got... geometry, chemistry but the teach is cool, english that class is so boring, and AP euro and thats jsut plain old hard. hw every night in that class! Agh! i want to see greg right now. hes made me happy alot lately and i just feel liek seeing him.. i just want to go cruise with him in his car and i dont kno.. just be there..
well i think im done blabbering on.

Ps. I got to actually push Ashiee in her wheelchair! haha! she can bend both knees and kinda walk! she can stand! YAY!

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 17 August :: 12.32 pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: pieces of me

Ok- this is the first full day that i have power in my house.
I can now tell you about the events that took place on Friday the 13th... Ironic??
There was a level 4 hurricane that was aimed straight at fort myers... fort myers beach.. wher ei live 6 miles from, i would have been caught in the eye of the storm.. there was a mandatory evactuation of lee county 10 minutes before the hurricane hit. the winds were too strong to leave so we stayed. Luckily, the storm took a turn and landed a half hour away... but these peoples lives will never be the same. Hurricane Charley landed in Charlotte County, destroying all the homes in his path. Fort Myers had gusts of wind measuted at 120 mph... but that was nothing compared the to 155 mph winds that swept through punta gorda and port charlotte. These people were barely evacuated because at first they were calling for the hurricane to hit Tampa, Bradenton area... So far, most peopel who died were in mobile homes... but its so bad. Church this weekend, we are going to help out.. i wouldnt kno what to do if i lost everything i had. the sad part is peopel are price gouging these people that lost anything they had.. everything is lost.. some of my friends in cape coral lost half of their roofs... there was a tornado that swept through along with the hurricane in cape coral. My neighborhood just has leaking and down trees... nothing more... its so sad how i can live with this..
Cypress highschool's gym is destroyed. it will be a long time before they can repair it. Cape coral highschool has no roof period. Norths auditorium got messed up.. im not sure about my school but there was said to be flooding and shattered windows.
My friends that live on fort myers beach won't be able to return home until tomorrow morning... they lived there... and they havn't been able to return home until... 4 days after this tragic event took place... My friends that live on sanibel, it will probably be longer before they arae able to return home. Captiva is now split into two. The south seas resort is underwater and will forever be there... there is a 400 foot gap now.. and the water will not go down.. it will forever be that way. Pine Island got very destroyed also. My aunt and uncle live there and there were houses said to be drifting on the island. That was someones home...
Mrs. Wheeler, my biology teacher from last year had a baby, and she lived in punta gorda where alot of damage is... IT's horrible to see this taking place.. i watched my pool screen dangle in the winds.. and i heared the top window... 28 ft high, bow back and forth along witht the garage door... and we didn't even have the highest of winds...
school is cancelled until thursday.. maybe longer if the schools are that much damaged.. This was the 18th level 4/5 hurricane to ever hit the united states and i lived through it, but some unfortuate souls didn't... i don't know what to say about it...
theres just too much to say.. its amazing what epopel are going through and how strong these winds were..
i think i am done on this subject... please pray for the victims and the survivors that had their homes destroyed by hurricane charley...
Comment me on this topic.

4 *To pieces!*... | *Do You love me?*

:: 2004 16 August :: 7.32 pm
:: Mood: happy

I lived through hurricane Charley. Details later.. Was really scary tho... poor people in punta gorda and charlotte county.. and captiva.. their homes are destroyed.

1 *To pieces!* | *Do You love me?*

:: 2004 11 August :: 4.07 pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: space

Michael and my friendship is over. I don't understand why I'm upset. He knew the most about me. I just don't understand why i care so much! And how he can be such a jerk!! Godd!!!!!! it just makes me want to scream and cry. its all so fucking messed up.
But on the bright side, audrey took me home today. we went to target and burger king. We'll have fun the rest of the year :]

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 10 August :: 4.04 pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: space

I think im going to blast this song. I feel like crying. Today was just an odd kind of day. My mood was just so blah! nothing exciting happened at all. My classes suck. i hate the kids in my chemistry class. well i dont hate them its just people who called me a whore and stuff. and i realyl dont want to be in the room with them. Mr.Klein, the chem teach is awesome tho! hes pimp! I already got homework. I have a spanish thinggy tomorrow. and then i get to listen to another boring lecture by mr.hassle. Dont get me wrong, hes a nice dude, but hes so monotone and boring! UGH! i cant stand boring classes. I always do bad in them. Mrs. Salters cool, shes the spanish lady. I actually am looking forward to going to her class. and i want to go to drivers ed to see the people, like chad n kelly, in that class. chad and i are friends again, kind of have been but i havnt seen him in so long, but now i got a class with him :].
Greg has been picking me up after school everyday.. well these past 2 days. Its been great! Just today, i didn't want to do antyhing. I kind of just wanted to hang out. But whatever. My mom called me and was like "where are you!!!" so i had to hurry and go home. He was pissed, you could tell. After that i felt so incredibly bad about it... i thinnk thats why i feel bad right now.
I seriously feel like crying. I guess its just being back in school... who knows.
maybe its because i want to see ashley and talk to her but fucking janna has control over her wheelchair! I havnt even said 2 mins worth of convo with her! GOD! I WANNA SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
I am seriously going to cry. I need a good cry. I havnt had one in a long time. I've also been thinking alot. Maybe that has something to do with it?
Audrey will prolly take me home tomorro if greg is busy. i think he wants a break from me.... i dont kno what to think. i just really wanna talkt o someone but no one is here!
im going to drown my sorrows in food. im going to turn fucking FAT. Michael said im starting to look.. less skinny! FUCK IT!
Comment if you feel like it.

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 8 August :: 12.09 pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: space

I love the new layout of my journal. i must say so myself! but anyway.
Im home!! Pittsburgh was such a great time!
I have 2nd period with Brad and i think Lenny. I got 1st with Lenny. and i got 3rd with Michael, 5th with Michael, 7th with Michael and Tiffany, thats all i know abotu so far. i dont got anythign with Ashiee. oh well.. we dont even pass eachother int he hallway. lol its so ghetto. Mindy is sleepin. Shes so adorable. I never realized how much ofa baby she is :] shes my lil girl!
8 is picking me up after school tomorrow. We are going to have a good time. Him and i might hang out.. But so might me and michael.. and reid wants to see me before school starts also. But 8 and i have had plans for this weekend, so ill go with him! He definatly got me hooked. There's something abotu him, i just cant put my finger on, that makes me just want more. its so weird. I just want to see him more and more!
But anyway
Im busy working on my AP shit this morning. I am defiantly porcrastinating on this project. Mindy is lookinga t me funny. hahaha silly pup!
K----- i think i should finish. Ill update later!

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 4 August :: 10.12 am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: numb

Well, Libby is in pittsburgh and i am at her house... she has to go to a doctors app. and i dont kno. i just really didnt feel like doing anything... i did tons of shopping since i got here.. i got like 10 shirts, 3 capris, 2 jeans, shoes, bathing suits, purse, wallet... so so much...
I feel so.. numb...
i have a really good friend and i find out shes been cutting herself pretty bad and i honestly dont know what to say to her... i want to just make everything okay but i cant... i guess tahts why i didnt feel like doing anything today because im so out of it.. i love this girl to death and would step infront of a bullet for her.. no for you thinking im talkign about myself, you are wrong. im soo confused abotu the whole ordeal but i mean, what can i do about it?? ok im going tow rite happy thoughts,'
i saw my new cousin rachel. shes such a cutie, when i get back to ft myers, im putting the pics on teh comp.
i have been hanginig out with emily izzo and leah parsons soo much since i got here.
on monday, leah picked libby and i and emily up and we went thrift shopping and i got some cool ass shit! then em had to go to tennis, so we dropped her off at lynch field, and i saw greg tuttle in the passing, and i didnt talk to him tho, and then after we dropped her off, we decided to go to gabes. i did sooo good there. the most expensive thing i got was a skirt for $10, but this skirt is so incredibly cute, you have no idea! then, mrs. parsons called and needed leah home and she ended up getting in trouble, but before she got in truoble, i vistited with them. i havent seen mr. and mrs. parsons in 5 years!! trust me, thats a long time in seein them! then is aw stepehen! my husband from 2nd grade!!! lol, hes the same as he used to be cept his voice is deep, but i guess thats what puberty can do to a guy! Then they insisited we get pizza, so while the pizza was comin, me leah libby and stephen went to ricks video to get sum movies but on the way we stopped to get derek for stephen so he wasnt completly girled out! so, got back, ate, tried to find out what the work "skit" means, the word from get low, and i found out!
lol i called billy to find out because none of us girls new! then, me stephen and derek went into the pool, i wore leahs shorts and a big t-shitr. lib said the water aws too cold and leah just didnt want to get in, so they were talkignt o her parents till i got out and then we went home around 11.
yesturday-- we went to the mall aroudn 1 until 6. i got alot mroe crap! lol just what i need! emily met us there somewhere around 3. we had alot of fun! me and lib got sum japanese food! that was tastey! we spend an hour in waldenbooks looking at sex stuff. it was hilarious! and we looked up what our name means! mine says im sophisticated. WOOO! who could imagaine? then em came over, we went to the little playground and i saw liz, my old babysitter from forever ago. shes graduateing from college this year, so shes excited. I saw my old house. i didnt cry tho. i cried at the crick. its so diffrerent. the changes are aweful! they just arent right.. i dont know what else to say about it. Ashley Linden, she was driving, OH GOD! lol... and i was on the road the other day too but tahts besides the point!
Today, we are... actually i dont kno what we're doing but im sure ill update you on it.
i have to work on the AP euro stuff on a World Lit Only By Fire, libs mom had the book, so i think ill start working on it.
Love Always

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 3 August :: 10.48 pm

well, im in pitttttsburgh. im havin a blast. but i had to update! my mom took my phn, i got my schedule its on the livejournal.
i lvoe you guys
ill write my trip later i realyl dont feel like writing.

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 29 July :: 6.31 pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: christian songs

Hey there.
Tomorro i venture off to Pittsburgh to go to an anniversary party, a baptism, and to visit Libby. It should be fun.
Im falling for 8. Its really kind of odd. I love it when a guy respects me for me, and is just the fun kind of guy! I have so much fun with him! It's great!
Thought I'd share all of that.
I'm sick, but I should be better by sunday night when i finally get to libbys in greensburg. My grandparents are over, so i think i will go
Comment me

1 *To pieces!* | *Do You love me?*

:: 2004 28 July :: 4.58 pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: holy holy holy

Hey! It's been about 5-6 days... i have prayed so many times in those days. MY experience was "Beyond Imagination!" The trip to orlando was a blast. I cried.. and i witnessed 35,000 people take comunion in 23mins.
jsut the experience was so... i liked it. I feek like Jesus is really back into my life. The one speaker was awesome. I shared a room with amanda ellitott and cindy dubay... cindy had to go to the hospital from tremors and was very sick and sad... so she went home.. kimmi got pink eye... and just about everyone in the youth group is sick so our trip to adventure island is post poned. i am off to pittsburgh on friday morning.. but i think i need some more sleep.
I met some pretty amazing people from all over the contry. Ranging from Alaska to Utah! It was just.. so.. unbelieveable.
i got to see 35,000 people pray, sing, smile and dance... i got to witness jesus working inside of everyone in there.
I will put the details of the trip later.. i just wanted to say that i am home...
I love Jesus.. Yes i do! I love Jesus, how about you?

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 23 July :: 10.07 am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: party on friday night

guess what! I am leaving in like 10 mins... to go to orlando!!! i hope you guys will miss me!
Ashley is finally home... my ashiee. im so excited.. im just kind of sad.. she hasn't called me oranything..
Britt came over last night to keep me company. Oh did we have fun! we went.. "bowling" but i still didnt feel good but it was all better that night. We hung out with G.B and Brett and we saw a couple other people but yeah it was just us 4. It was soo omuch fun!
I made out with her!!! llol!! i never thought id make out with a girl but yeah we were kinda drunk so... theres SORTA an excuse.
Michael and I are getting into tons of fights because he calls me 20 times a day... i hate when people call me a buncha times!
anyway--- im all packed up and ready to go.. its hard to believe my summer is winding down... school starts in hardly any time... 2 weeks...
well.. i think im done...
i will write when i get back.
Thanks Britt for the wonderful night!

1 *To pieces!* | *Do You love me?*

:: 2004 21 July :: 8.23 pm
:: Mood: moved
:: Music: amazing grace

Hey! this week at VBS has been a blast! The kids were soo excited and hiked up about God's love. Im so glad i got to be in charge of sing and play bay this year.. it makes me so... i dont kno.. happy inside to know that i am making a difference in childrens lives. The two crew leaders that have been sticking out to me tho, are britt n audrey n courtney. they have shown spirit throught the whole time. I was reading brittanys journal and she marked Audrey off as her role model. I mean sure i was sad it wasn't me, but.. as i think about it, audrey was once my role model. I wish i could be like her. She has the smile for the whole world and tries to cheer anybody uup! Britt, she's just a character. When even I am having a rough time, every morning she seems to have the right amount of energy to give me a hug. Shes kind of like a lil sis for me yah kno? I kno that courtney is mine, but i feel like, i can make a difference in her life.. just by sharing experiences that i dont want her to go through. Courtney has been smilin and laughing this whole week. The little ones look up to her to much... i wish she could just realize that...
I have this song stuck in my head that we sang today. its' a weird version of amazing grace... its stuck in my head. you want to know what the best part of today was? This little boy, he didn't want to be there the first night.. and he almost left for good but then him mom brought him back and he wasnt too excited. As the week has progresed, he has participated and even knows the words and lines to the songs without looking. Today, joe was asking peole to make prayers, and he was the first volunteer. At that moment his mom walked in and didn't let him see her because she knew he'd be nervous. I think this was the first time he had ever prayed because he was very very scared at first.. then , after he said Amen, his mom poked her head up and started crying... i think we actually made something in the soul of this child. i think we made him a believer. WE all brought God into him... and that is the best feeling in the world... to see such a miracle happen inside a small little boy. He made a difference in me today. He let me know.. good things really do happen.
Besides all of this, I was going to go out witha few people tonight, but i didn't because my dad said the curfew of the night was 10.. which sucks ass... then i was gonna go with other people places.. but that changed too! i think im going to dye my hair dark... but i cant decide if i wanna do it or not1 im aksing people riite now!

TanBi0tCh: should i dye my hair dark tonight
JeannieBikini9: ooo, yeah!
JeannieBikini9: that'd be pretty
TanBi0tCh: like i dunno if i should keep the highlites or not

well theres one... so right now im dying it! haha. I have such a happy feeling inside right now.im so happy i dont kno what to say anymore..

3 *To pieces!*... | *Do You love me?*

:: 2004 19 July :: 1.08 pm
:: Mood: odd
:: Music: way away

Well... VBS is doing really well.. the first night was pretty hectic but today went alot smoother.. the kids are really hiked up. Audrey took me home yesturdya.. but i think i wrote that...
i feel odd right now.. i couldnt sleep last night. i kept waking up. My friend and I got into a huge fight.. it sucks.. Michael comes home today so i guess thats good. Billy n Dewitt n I do not hang out as much anymore. It's pretty much like they're on vacation... i wished theyd come back.
I got a phone call today from some guy named Jimmy in FortMyers.
He said he heard ima whore and wantede to kno it was true because he talks to people at fort myers and they said i was a whore and a bitch. whattya kno! girls.. i really hate them... They are so gay!! I wish most girls would just fall off the face of the earth. They are too bitchy for their own good and have their noses so far up their ass they can't smell their own shit! whataver works.. just whatever....
i want to kno how this jimmy character recieved my phone number in the first place. Alex has been wanting me to do stuff but ive bin really busy and i got in trouble so that kinda scratched last night. he actually left a message! haha that kid i didint think he knew how!
well my mom is coming downstairs... better stop writing for now..
Love always
Comment me someone!

look.. i cant cuddle or anything.. wow i suck. but i guess im good at sex! lol

What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
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1 *To pieces!* | *Do You love me?*

:: 2004 18 July :: 12.28 pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: everbody come along

VBS starts in.... 4 hours! ahhh! i need to memorize more lines!! Today was a church meeting... Audrey said shed prolly pick me up one day so we can chill! i mean she lives less than a mile away and she gotta car finally!! w000t! well.. shes had one, we just havnt seen eachother. Amanda and i are counting down the days till we go to orlando and thats goin to be oh so much fun! michael comes home today. he told me so! thats how i kno! whoa! that ryhmed! Grandma went home! Ashley is at lee memorial for rehab stuff...
umm... what else...
i really wish i hadnt given certain people the p/w to this journal because well.. i dont want them reading stuff so i have to leave it out.. ill eventually write it, just not yet!
im done for now!
i love yah all!
leave me nice comments

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 17 July :: 6.10 pm
:: Mood: so sleepy
:: Music: bitch

Hey there!
Let me tell you. Today (( WAY WAY early this morning)) was suprisiginly interesitng. i found myself on a boat with a bunch of drunk people! hehe it was so much fun tho!
i got into stuff but yeah thats me! what can you expect? Juss Kiddin.. I met some awesome new people ((names i will NOT disclose yet)) and got closer and yet farther apart from somebody.
tomorro VBS starts. i cant wait.. i need to learn my lines! lol. I love this song and the backround on the jrnl now! AHH! it works so well! plus the color scheme is GREAT!
Neway about this morning
I went to bed at 6 and woke up at 8!
Oh yeah! i just took about a 2 hour nap but 7 diff people called me!! AHHHH! whens a girl supposed to sleep around here?
My mind is actually going through alot of emotions from the events that took place... but who knows, im just a girl! thats a song... i just realized it! wooo ok im done. what i am typing makes no sense!
Laur *
Bitch me Back!

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 14 July :: 5.40 pm
:: Mood: proud
:: Music: everytime

im so excited. VBS is in a week. I decorated a volcano and stuff today. Amanda and i got our lines down abotu what we're going to say in the skit. im so excited. I can'tw atit to work with little people. Im putting everything for ap euro off until the very last second! haha im such a procrastintor! o well!
((knock on wood))

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 12 July :: 9.21 pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: open my eyes

well, i have to type this big old thing over and over again! so here goes.
this weekend was pretty interesting. i had my ups and my downs and i dont kno.. i guess it was ok... i got checked out by some guy my little sister thought was bi because he looked gay and was with 2 guys but was staring at my ass. lol... and i saw some drag queens singing in a bar.. and i dont kno i got this awesome hawaii hat that i can wear to vbs....
but as i was driving i read a book. it really touched me.. its called "Rachel's Tears"
its about one of the girls that was shot and killed in colombine highschool in 1999. she defiantly had a spiritial side. her parents were gracious enough to share excerts and things baout there daughter that makes me wonder what kind of christian am i and what kind of realition ship i have with god..
i believe in god except sometimes i think hes not there and wonder why he does some of the things that he does.. but usually ill find myself praying to god for him to make everything be okay.
in her journal.. she had some quotes that really stuck out to me..
here are some..
- Tomorrow isn't a promise, it's a chance.
- We are living within a society that has lost any sense of consciousness and of right and wrong

ever since ashleys accident, my world and my eyes have been more open to the lord. i feel that doing vbs this summer is going to help me express my spiritaulaity. i love being involved. i love being about to be with jesus... sometimes i just dont think hes listneing to some of the things i want him to hear... but somehow.. i kno hes guiding me through the hard times and the good times that i have.
have you ever wondered if there ever was such thing as a guardian angel? someone that looks just like you and protects you from harm until god wants you up in heaven? ivve thought baout that... my favorite picture in my room.. well that was in my room is of a little girl... shes holding puppys and her guardian angel is there watching over her.. shes the same again.. expect she has wings and looks alittle differnet.
i kinda of wish that this summer... everything will just flow. i will stop feeling some of the feelings that i feel. i will stop doubting myself and others and i will feel much better about myself. i usually do after gatherings.. i usually let out many tears, and then in the end.. everything ends up ok.
i kno my life has alot of things left in it.. but osmetimes i wonder how llong i will have to live.. i almost lost my ashley in just a few seconds of a car rolling upside down.. i feel myself getting ready to cry as i think about that.. i need to go see her... but i also need to go to church. i want god to forgive me for the sins thati have committted. i want to start a new week, make some new choices, and then pray for gods forgivness in an endless cycle...
i wonder, whtas my purpose in life?? is it to help children and teens in need? is it to solve murder mysteries? is it to operate on someone in attempt to save their life? my real... i dont kno goal.. is to help those who are hurting inside.. i want to reach out to them just as Rachel did. she touched the lives of many and i just wish i could do that. i wish i could be someone of that sort who people wouldnt stop remembering..
i want god in my life .. i want him more in it than i alreayd have him... i guess i need to do some more praying.. and i also think i need to look out for others as they look out for me..
sometimes i just wonder...

who really cares

I believe in god the father almighty

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 9 July :: 2.53 pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: down

I think i like the layout of my journal. Billy and I had a very very long chat the other night. I learned of his love for this one girl but i don't want to believe it. So well, I didn't . And we had a big long talk..
I think i might put this song in my journal instead.. its a pretty song.. Down by something corporate. I dont kno tho..
last night i spent the night at nicoles' shes like one of my bestfriends now but her and courtni and this girl lyssa are having their issues and really i dont want to get in the middle of it.. and courtni said to me to stop taking shit when i never said anything.. i hope this doesnt ruin our friendship... but i mean who knows... ill explain more later becasuse daddy is screaming about cleaning.. i hate cleaning..
I just wanted to let you guys know thanks for the comments :]. they made me happy. keep them comin.. i need alot of them to make me happier. im just livin on a bit of smiling right now.

3 *To pieces!*... | *Do You love me?*

:: 2004 7 July :: 5.43 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: way away

have you ever wondered why things happen?? ive started think it happens for a reason, but i think im psychic. know why? the same thing which happene diwht janna, i knew something was going to happen with our friendship, is happening with billy. i just feel so... i dont even know the word. Something alongs the lines as... BLAH!
i love this song--- way away...

I think I'm breaking out
I'm going to leave you now
Theres nothing for me here, it's all the same
And even though I know
That everything might go
Go downhill from here, I'm not afraid

Way away away from here I'll be
Way away away so you can see
How it feels to be alone and not believe (Feels to be alone and not believe)
Feels to be alone and not believe anything

You can't stop me now
You can't hold me down
You can't keep me here, I'm on my way
I've made it this far now
And I'm not burning out
No matter what you say, I'm not afraid

god i feel just so much like shit..
and i cant even pick a layout for my journal! this fucking sucks!
someone comment me..


i hate when things feel soo.. diffrent... it just makes me cry

3 *To pieces!*... | *Do You love me?*

:: 2004 6 July :: 5.17 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: the way

ever realized when you feel upset, everything seems to go wrong???
wow someone needs to talk to me before i go crazier than i already am..

2 *To pieces!*... | *Do You love me?*

:: 2004 6 July :: 11.16 am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: dipit low

well life is goin crazy.
michael is in Chicago. :[ im not going to see him for 15 days... he gets back on te 19th and i leave on the 23 and i wont be home ntil the 6th!!! it really sucks, i think im goign to want to be hom epart of the time. whatevr i dont know what i want anymore but i mrean i really have no choice an di know i definatly want to go on the church trip.
tonigt i was supposed to have softball practice, but chad wants to go see ashiee and i wanna go with him and lenny n he said he could prolly pick me up even tho i live a half a mile away lol. he just found out about her.. thats the sad thing. him ash n tay are really close. hes even really good friendswith her mom! i felt sooo bad because i told him the news and he was really sad to hear about taylor because shes like his lil sis...
ashley has a cast on both legs and arms and she has knee surgery tomorro... my poor ashley. i love her to death.. i just want to be iwth her all the time but the girl needs her rest. imean kevin stays past 10 EVERY night! i think thats ridiculous. id fall asleep on him lol.
but enough about ashley, the subject makes me sad...
but really all this shit i have to write is .
billy and i got into a really really bad arugment yesturday because this bitch carol cant fucking stop talkign to me. i hate blocking people and when i do i unlblock them later thinking they arent goign to talk to me. well suprise suprise! and when i levae them blocked they go on a new sn! they keep saying im such a fucking bitch and blah blah blah. an dim so ugly and yeah its pretty lame.
james mehlman is an asshole. he tried making plans with me for the 4th and yeah.. i couldnt ebcasue i went over the neighbors house and he got all pissy. so i called his ohn 58 times lol.. and this *chick* kept picking it up and telling me ima bitch and hes licking her clit andshe just got done fukcing him and shit and shes going to beat my ass and that i fucked and 8th grader and i should go and kill myself. i was like holy fucking jesus and kept haning up. thats why i kept calling back!
and guess who that mystery girl that kept hanging up and telling me all that shit was??
thats right!
yeah what a GREAT friend she is!
people are just soo wonderful. and i have to go on a trip with her! she blamed it onn being drunk but being drunk from 6:30 - 2:00... thats just bullshit. she didnt sound drunk at all. i mean i could be a REAL bitch and go to her mom but noo.. im nice. but i mean the girl did tell me to go kill myself. what kind of person does that?? thats sooo rude. i mean even if you dont know the person you shouldnt be saying that shit.
she "didnt" knowit was me is what she said. but come on. james had to have said my last name. the fucking boy. now that hes had sex he thinks hes the greatest. thats why we broke up once upon a time because all he wanted was sex and i felt sooo uncomfortable because i wasnt ready to do anything like that. and now kimmi ((nicole)) is saying shes fucking the kid! that makes it seem like shes a slut!!
well im done complaining for now. i need to go get ready
joe is going to pick me up to go see ashiee!

1 *To pieces!* | *Do You love me?*

:: 2004 4 July :: 11.10 am
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: slow motion

im going to see ashiee today!!!!! yay!! again!! lol i think ill give her the journal and bring the one pic that she likes oh so much!!! jeannie is going to see her around nooon so i migt join her!! yay!! she defiantly got banged up but thats ok!!! we'll fix it :] i love my ashiee! shes the bestest!!!!!
hmmm i also got her and tay a card and my mom got her momma a card, soo ooooo yeah. hmmm...im so bored. a buncha people want me to go out with them tonight but i dont know if i want to!! i prolly will tho.. but the neighbors are having a cookout, so ill see whats going on. i want tot go to the beach n see sum fireworks or go downtown or something of that sort...
well i think im done rambling for now!
oh yeah libby left yesterday :[ ohhwell ill see her in august so it makes up for it! now im going to be bored!!!! RARRRRH!!!

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 3 July :: 1.21 pm
:: Music: sgt pepper

99 ?S
1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold is false.

01. When I was younger, I made some bad decisions
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana
09. I've watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby
18. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.-By a freaky dude in Las Vegas.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free
26. I need money right now
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair (Just average, medium-length hair)
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyes in the past
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look (usually)
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to cornrow
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a Sig. O. in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants
53. I love to shop
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with my LiveJournal
58. I don't hate anyone. I dislike them.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything (not that I know of)
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs at a party
84. I have made a move on a friend's Sig. O. in the past
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on LiveJournal- Ive avoided homework
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum
88. I enjoy country music
89. I would die for my best friends
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza-one of the best.. im just really hungry
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist (yeah, I'm a perfectionist)
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"- Uncle Ricky, tell us a bedtime story.. He robbed a sista and a brother and another and another, Dave the dope man trippinon dope dont know the meaning of water nor soap
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I'm happy as of this moment

Well what a quiz kinda type deal! libby leaves im about... 4 hours!! oh no!! we still have to play "dress up"
ashiee is gettin better. im so excited. i want to see her so bad but shes still in the icu. Jenna and i are talking as frineds. me and janna actualyl talked.. wow thinngs are starting to look up. i watched dane last niight. hes so adorable and he fell asleep on me!!!

what else... hmm... ill write later. my mom might walk in

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 30 June :: 4.14 pm
:: Mood: pissed off

my family sucks ass.
escpecially my mom. now she thinks lip gloss is makeup! wow-- what a FUCKING bitch. whatever i hate her. i hope she rots in hell.

*Do You love me?*

:: 2004 27 June :: 11.38 pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: times like these

wow... this has defiantly been an intereting day plus some hours. lastnight i found out one of my best friends got into a car accident on friday. janna called me to tell me the news despite our differences.
her, her sister and grandmother were all put in the icu under critical condition. today i found out ashley and her grandma are now in serious which is better than critical. my cryign can now cease because i kno that they will be ok.
jeannie and i created a journal for ashley


i hope eveyrone goes because it means alot to me. i want ashley to have the best return home and tons of get well messages as possible.

ash hhas fractures in both legs and taylor was in worse condition. they both are requiring a wheelchair bbut they are both going to mak eit through all of this.
its going to take quite a while for her to recover but i kno with the help of her friends, anything is possible.
i love my ashley hintze. she is code silver, shes my hero!!! and my sexxie pepsii lover!!
Comment me and leave prayers for ash.. once agian the link is


*Do You love me?*

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