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I reach for the bottle and disappear

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:: 2008 26 October :: 1.35 am

I feel so alive! woooo

leave me love

:: 2008 13 October :: 5.41 pm

Yay, getting drunk tomorrow, I love alcohol.

leave me love

:: 2008 23 August :: 11.10 am

I hate you.

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2008 15 August :: 12.50 am

Thank god Joe broke the clippers, I had an uncontrollable urge to shave all the hair off my head, but I've done my scalp using a razor before, it's too annoying with hair longer than stubble, so my eyebrows and hair remains intact, just did normal shave.

leave me love

:: 2008 15 August :: 12.23 am

I'm so depressed right now, I just want to find a comfortable hole to go crawl into and die.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2008 6 August :: 6.01 pm

Julius is now a disabled war veteran.

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2008 27 July :: 3.13 am

So, everything is transient and meaningless, there's no point to life, yet I think I'll stick around a bit yet.

leave me love

:: 2008 4 June :: 11.19 pm

I just realized my life is meaningless and will never have any impact on the world.


3 left me love | leave me love

:: 2008 2 June :: 10.21 pm

I'm thinking of moving away.

I don't know where to, I just want to leave.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2008 9 May :: 12.05 am

Sometimes I just start laughing, I never know why.

Crying too.

4 left me love | leave me love

:: 2008 25 April :: 11.37 pm

Pictures from last weekend.
Brenan blowing a bubble as Jake looks on in wonder
A bubble I blew resting peacefully on the ground
Different angle, same bubble
Me, immediately after blowing the pictured bubble, and before exhaling the rest of my lungful of smoke
Alex popped ze bubble =(....well, actually it popped just before he could poke it.

leave me love

:: 2008 21 April :: 10.06 pm

Well, 'twas a nice weekend
I went over to Brenan's house around 1:30ish on Friday, turns out he's rooming with Albert and Jake, which is nice because they're both cool guys that I get along with well.

So we hang out and play video games and shit, after a while of this their neighbor Wes comes over and suggests the idea of partying it up, so we're all like "hellz yeah", so that's how it came about that I'd be staying late there.

So after Wes leaves Sarah shows up and then Albert, Jake and Brenan all leave for different reasons, leaving us alone, I'm still a little awkward around her, it's been a few years now, but I dunno, still in the realm of awkward, so we just looked at some art books and ate popcorn while waiting on them.

After a while of that Brenan and Jake came back and brought Wes with them, so then Jake, Wes and I walked over to the Shell station so Wes could go in and buy a bunch of High Gravity (Horrible, low quality, high alcohol beer) and have us carry it back.

So the rest of that night was basically just being drunk, had a few kinda awkward moments, but overall it was a nice night of drinking, lots of people came and went.

Woke up saturday around noon and watched a few tv shows with brenan and jake, then brenan suggested going to the park to check out the Earth Day festivities, so we walked over there and found out it was just stupid hippies being stupid hippies, so we walked around riverfront for a while, then walked over to Value Village so Brenan could buy pants, he ended up buying like, no normal pants I'm pretty sure, but he got a suit jacket and a full set of scrubs, so we got back to their apartment and I took a shower and they ordered pizza while I was in there.

So, a bit after the pizza shows up, Alex shows up and we're like "Woo, Alex", because he's a fun guy, and he notices Jake's hookah and suggests we buy some shishah and coals, so we walk over to the smoke shop by the plaza to get those, and then get back to the house and smoke copious amounts of hookah, it was pretty fun, we were dipping a piece of vacuum cleaner tube into some soapy water and blowing smoke-filled bubbles, which bounced on the floor and would then sit on it as perfect spheres for a bit before exploding into a perfect ring of smoke, it was really pretty.

After a while of that Alex left, and then Jesse and a couple of her friends showed up and put some marijuana in the hookah, I honestly didn't feel anything from it, but Jesse and her friends were pretty high, so I took that chance to give Jesse an existential crisis by explaining nihilism as the only truth in the universe while she was totally stoned out of her mind.

So after they left Wes came down and smoked some Hookah with us, then we all drifted off to bed.

Then Sunday, Jake, Alex and myself basically just smoked hookah the whole god damn day, we hotboxed the kitchen at one point.

And then today I came home a few hours after waking up, yay.

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2008 7 April :: 9.45 am

"Piazza, New York Catcher"

Elope with me Miss Private and we'll sail around the world
I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl
How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
How many nights of limping round on pagan holidays?
Oh elope with me in private and we'll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase

San Francisco's calling us, the Giants and Mets will play
Piazza, New York catcher, are you straight or are you gay?
We hung about the stadium, we've got no place to stay
We hung about the tenderloin and tenderly you tell
About the saddest book you ever read
It always makes you cry
The statue's crying too and well he may

I love you I've a drowning grip on your adoring face
I love you my responsibility has found a place
Beside you and strong warnings in the guise of gentle words
Come wave upon me from the wider family net absurd
"You'll take care of her, I know it, you will do a better job"
Maybe, but not what she deserves

Elope with me Miss Private and we'll drink ourselves awake
We'll taste the coffee houses and award certificates
A privy seal to keep the feel of 1960 style
We'll comment on the decor and we'll help the passer by
And at dusk when work is over we'll continue the debate
In a borrowed bedroom virginal and spare

The catcher hits for .318 and catches every day
The pitcher puts religion first and rests on holidays
He goes into cathedrals and lies prostrate on the floor
He knows the drink affects his speed he's praying for
a doorway
Back into the life he wants and the confession of the bench
Life outside the diamond is a wrench

I wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend
I know it wouldn't come to love, my heroine pretend
A lady stepping from the songs we love until this day
You'd settle for an epitaph like "Walk Away, Renee"
The sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like
a flower
Meet you at the statue in an hour
Meet you at the statue in an hour

leave me love

:: 2008 12 February :: 10.26 pm

leave me love

:: 2008 11 February :: 8.32 pm

"Broken Heart"

I'll start this broken heart
I'll fix it up so it will work again
Better than before
Then I'll star in a mystery
A tragic tale of all that's yet to come
Fingers crossed there will be love

But I get carried away with every day
And every fantasy
the deeper the wound,
the harder I swoon and wish that that was me

So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I'm getting used to it, you have to get used to it

I'll devise the best disguise
A brand new look and take them by surprise
They'll never guess what's not inside

I'll express myself with ease,
With confidence and character complete
With fingers crossed they'll talk to me

But I get carried away with every page
In every magazine
The cheaper the thrill
the deeper I fill my head with blasphemy

So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I'm getting used to it, you have to get used to it

I'll destroy this useless heart
I'll fuck it up so it'll never beat again
Not just for me but for anyone

But I get carried away
with every phrase and made up malady
The longer I hide behind these lies,
The more I disintegrate

So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
You never get used to it, you just have to live with it

leave me love

:: 2008 28 January :: 7.33 pm

Well fuck you too bitch.

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2008 27 January :: 12.06 am

Dealing with other people is too painful sometimes...I think I'm gonna be reclusive for a while...bye.

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2008 23 January :: 10.29 pm

I think I'm a bad friend.

Every time I talk to somebody from LC since dropping out, they're always saying they miss me, everyone's talking about how they miss me, and everyone else misses me, it's like a giant "we miss nathan"-fest in the japanese room during lunch these days apparently.

And deep down I really don't care, to be honest the only person I've even noticed the absence of in my life is chen chen, I feel sad I don't get to see her every morning, she always brightened my day, but everyone else just doesn't really matter I guess.

Maybe I'm just finally becoming detached like I've always wanted to be.

leave me love

:: 2008 10 January :: 6.08 pm

I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgment's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as you're lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change...

leave me love

:: 2007 20 December :: 12.49 am

Sometimes I wish I could fastforward my life.

Skip past all the bullshit of the rest of high school and college, skip right to the part where I leave this town behind forever.

leave me love

:: 2007 13 December :: 9.50 pm

A poem about woohu, written after reading people's old entries

These old journal entries

They read like a back catalogue
of our sorrows

Looking back on so much pain, it hurts

Yet we go on
And live each of our days

So much anguish we have felt, it hurts

Day by day we forget past torments
but if we look back, the pain still haunts us

Our lives are ever changing
Ever constant, ever painful, ever blissful

And the pain we feel each of our days

It gets swallowed up
With the joy of a new dawn

Yet the pain remains
These pages remain

We still hurt
We still heal

leave me love

:: 2007 26 November :: 8.57 pm

Life is changing lately, and I think I'm happy about it.

Jen's stopped being so emotionally dependent on me, which is really good, hell, I've barely even talked to her in the last few weeks, been spending most of my free time hanging out with Chen Chen or Jason.

I've become more confident in myself lately, something I've always been bad about, I always used to think I couldn't do anything right, but that's all changing.

Still a little depressed due to my total lack of any sort of love-life, but meh, I'm used to that.

Overall though, life is looking up.

leave me love

:: 2007 9 November :: 9.00 pm

I was blonde as a child.

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2007 8 November :: 10.02 pm

I wish she'd get out of that relationship, no matter how much she says it makes her happy, it's making her worse day by day, and she's just being used, and deep down she knows that.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2007 30 October :: 7.38 pm

"If The Brakeman Turns My Way" - Bright Eyes

When panic grips your body and your heart is a hummingbird
Raven thoughts blacken your mind until you're breathing in reverse
All your friends and sedatives mean well but make it worse
Every reassurance just magnifies the doubt
Better find yourself a place to level out

Got a cricket for a conscience always looks the other way
A cocaine soul starts seeming like an empty cabaret
Hey, where have all the dancers gone? Now the music doesn't play
Tried to listen to the river but you couldn't shut your mouth
Better take a little time to level out

I never thought of running
My feet just led the way

Mixed up Signals
Bullet Train
Cars are switched out in the crazy rain
I could meet you any place
If the Brakeman turns my way

All this automatic writing I have tried to understand
From a psychedelic angel who was tugging on my hand
It's an infinite coincidence but it doesn't form a plan
So I'm headed for New England or the Paris of the South
Gonna find myself somewhere to level out

Are your brothels full, Oh Babylon, with merry Middlemen?
Never peer out of their periscopes from those deep opium dens
All this death must need a counterweight always someone born again
First a mother bathes her child then the other way around
The Scales always find a way to level out

I tried to pass for nothing
But my dreams gave me away

Mixed up Signals
Bullet Train
People snuffed out in the brutal rain
I could live to any age
If the Brakeman turns my way

It is an old world it's hard to remember
Like a dime store mystery
I'm a repeat first time offender
Who has rewritten history

Mixed up tea leaves
Phantom Pain
Fuzzy logic in the crazy rain
Getting better every day
If the Brakeman turns my way
Mixed up Signals
Bullet Train
Cars are switched out in the blinding rain
He'll be smiling as he seals my fate
When the Brakeman turns my way

leave me love

:: 2007 27 October :: 8.05 pm

Well, so closes that chapter of my life I guess, it's just two years down the drain.

leave me love

:: 2007 25 October :: 10.25 pm

leave me love

:: 2007 21 October :: 9.33 pm

Ha, summary of why women suck 99.9% of the time.

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way.

This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

5 left me love | leave me love

:: 2007 10 October :: 5.37 pm

Julia wants me to smoke some salvia with her this weekend, she said she'll buy a gram if she gets the chance, I think I'll just go ahead and try it, I mean, it's legal and has no long term effects, so why the fuck not?

leave me love

:: 2007 7 October :: 8.13 am

So, I'm just the medicine
You take when you're sick
You get well and that's it
I'm put back on the shelf in your mirror
And it isn't exceptional
The course of our fate
So, people love and they hate
And I guess it's just our turn to hate
Yeah, you were just some song I wrote
A poem on a page
A sculpture I made out of clay
Desire was the flame
But now you're more of a basketball
Boys just pass you around
They bounce you hard on the ground and dribble
And then we all get high fives
And you think I'm an asshole now
Well, you're probably right
But at least I'm not blind to the facts
I've been wishing were lies
But still I hope you get everything
That you care to possess
And unbelievable sex with him
Or any one of my friends
But just don't ask about my appetite
I didn't lose it tonight
No, it's been gone half my life
It's just act, I've been eating for you

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