home | profile | guestbook


I reach for the bottle and disappear

recent entries | past entries


goodbye

:: 2018 20 September :: 7.54pm

There's so much that I want to say but I think my brain doesn't work as well as it used to. I used to have passion and be poetic with my choice of words. I used to do alot of things better than I do now. At this point I'm grasping onto someone else... maybe someone I never was.

I have a bad habit of playing the victim, complaining, being pessimistic... among other things. This runs in my family. This is learned behavior. My brother, my parents, my grandmother even. Especially my grandmother. My heart aches for her because her whole life she has thought she was never good enough. Maybe her family really thought she wasn't... they certainly treated her that way. But she definitely was the black sheep even when she supported her family so much.

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I don't want to think everyone is out to get me. The truth is, people just don't think of me anymore. And that's not fucking bad, that's life. I'm 30 and I still feel like a 14 year old emotionally. It's gotten worse since I moved home, for obvious reasons - back in old environments put me back in that mindset. While I was on the west side I felt emotionally more mature but had major depressive episodes so wasn't much better.

I was doing so well in college. I was following my dreams. I was learning every day and relaxing the rest of the time. I finally had the chance to be someone I wanted to be without the pressures of home life or my then boyfriend. Without feeling societal pressures or pressures of my peers. I could walk everywhere I needed to go. I could enjoy nature and write prose on a whim. I could practice yoga and I was very healthy... like, apart from all the drinking...

And then he fucking ruined it. My thoughts about it consumed me. I thought I would die. I thought I wouldn't be able to have children. In a matter of a few lines, my whole healthy mindset that I had built up for the past year and several months, all the progress I had made, was gone. I spiraled.

I've been spiraling ever since. Even though it's gone, the feelings remain. Maybe you really did ruin my life.


It has been years since that happened. It has been fucking years. Other bad shit, worse shit has happened in that time. But that was the start of it. That was the beginning. I don't know how to get out of this hole. I can't escape anymore. I'm always here. I'm always stuck. Everyone says if they could go back, what would they do differently. I know. I know all those things. I also know that thinking about it doesn't do me any good... but like I said, I play the fucking victim so. Damn. Well.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 20 September :: 7.34am
:: Mood: curious

who even reads this
I found this in a post from 2006. please please please if you read this fill it out, I'll reply and fill one out for you. no judgement

Two things you wonder about me
1.
2.

Three Things you like about me
1.
2.
3.

Two of my best features
1.
2.

Two things you don't like about me
1.
2.

Three words that describe me
1.
2.
3.

One question for me (ask away, i will answer honestly)
1.

3 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 19 September :: 6.37am

I don't get sick very often, but I've some how caught a cold and I feel like death

balloon head sinus pressure head ache stuffy runny nose huge cough and mucus in my lungs

ugh some bring me soup & cuddles

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 16 September :: 1.27am

reconnected with Juan's old roommates and it was even better than old times marli is going to be around all the time I effin love her been doing bruches with the new roommates and trying to step outside my comfort zone more new project at work training 80 CSRs I'm so effing excited went to the fair and ate the most amaZing burrito with the bestie everyone has these wonderful pets that love me and my own pets have been much more affectionate lately

things are feeling better, I'm glad the storm has passed and I feel like I'm finally thinking clearly again

working from home really helps in so many ways

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 14 September :: 6.53am

why am I so jealous still of this dude

why can't I shake the feeling the songs are about him

how do I move past this? why am I so insecure?

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 9 September :: 9.15pm

just leave

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 9 September :: 9.28am

I just want to give up. I hate every beautiful day.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 5 September :: 7.51pm
:: Mood: adoring

when baby dog is really happy, she runs around completely nuts around the living room and then bolts away into the kitchen to get a drink and then bolts into the den

my mom squeels with glee every time she does it, and it's always the same adorable sound with a wonderful giggle after and it's just one of my absolute favorite things. it makes my heart sing.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 5 September :: 6.19am

I suck at comforting people


one day down of sober September and I have had no break from an uncomfortable unsettled feeling deep in my stomach, like I ate copious amounts of cheese.

I can do this.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 4 September :: 9.34pm

I'm really fucking sick and tired of being treated like I don't know shit.

I know a lot. I'm smart. I've had jobs in different areas and understand how almost all insurance works (besides life insurance, but that seems like the most straight forward insurance).

but go ahead,just treat me like I don't know anything. it's okay.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 29 August :: 2.12pm

you either are important or you aren't

you either matter to someone or you don't

I'm always in the "not" category

and it hurts, but trying harder just looks desperate, and I don't know how to do less than what I do. I'm just a non entity. I'm fading into nothing. I don't speak I don't care I just feel sad and lonely.

and I know it'll only get worse. I know I'll be the worst mom. I know I'll die in child birth. I know I'll have a miscarriage. I know I'm sterile.

why do I even exist

I am a meaningless creature on a meaningless planet in an infinite expanse of nothing.

how do I fix this?

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 29 August :: 8.24am

why is it that I always manage to convince myself that my bf is gay and in love with another man?????

it happens every time. am I crazy? am I imagining it?

is it just my insecurities about not being a man? maybe I was just supposed to be a man. idk.

life is so confusing.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 26 August :: 12.52pm

this country is so fucking fucked.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 22 August :: 9.45pm

I'm so freaking frustrated I want to scream.

there just no being happy. if I do one thing I suffer in another way.

I need to find a therapist.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 19 August :: 11.01pm

maybe it'll never be enough

maybe it's just me

2 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 18 August :: 11.21pm

I know a lot of people hate lap dogs but they are honestly the best

they are perfectly destined to be our hand held best friends

I just want to snuggle my puppies forever





domesticated dogs are just permanent puppies and it's just the best. dogs were made to be with people. out of how many animals in the world dogs are the only one to truly and unrevokably to be our best friend. can you imagine a world without dogs?

it would be a pretty fucking sad world.


not to say other domesticated animals aren't awesome, they just don't hold a candle to dogs. they are the best. hands down.


DOGS FUCKIN ROCK

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 18 August :: 10.19pm

I love being the best

even if it's at something stupid.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 17 August :: 9.10am

worst timing ever... check
constant ability to out foot in mouth... check
permanent confusion towards life... check


how does anyone actually enjoy this whole "being alive and interacting with other people" bullshit?

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 12 August :: 7.53am

when you can tell your dogs are starting to love you again because you spend more time at home

best feeling ever

working from home is truly so wonderful. I know it's hard to balance working from home and feeling "included" at the office but the two days I go in is just perfect. one day would probably be my preference but eh.

now if I could just get some extra cash....

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 10 August :: 5.53pm

ah fuck it

I'm gonna have a party

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 7 August :: 9.32am

first day working from home was pretty much the most amazing thing ever so glad they gave me this opportunity!

I didn't complain over yesterday. I just felt comfortable

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 5 August :: 10.43pm

even though she still feels haunted

haunted

haunted

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 3 August :: 10.20pm

it's has always been this way

and to many people i'll always be the same

a broken record of broken thoughts but really I have been going to work regularly for 8 years with a corporation I loathe and in a career I despise but hey at least it pays my debts? it could be worse or course.

after my most recent break down I decided to have a better attitude it's lasted a month or so, but I'm slipping. I start working from home on Monday so I think that'll help ease the pain that comes with being a cog in the corporate murser machine.

at least I know insurany helps more people than it hurts. I mean nothing is perfect and no one will always be 100% satified but how many people could truly replace all the shit that is lost when you lose it all? I mean I guess it sucks if you never have to use it, but think about it like paying it forward in a really big way.

maybe I'm brainwashed but I tell myself these things so I can sleep at night.

I should adopt a cause. but in the face of these insurmountable obstacles I can't even pick a place to begin.

I just need some direction please. just a little would help

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 31 July :: 9.40am

this smoke doe

like it's normal for the world to burn every summer

like the world isn't warming up

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 29 July :: 8.18am
:: Music: post malone

she told me that I'm not enough



and left me with a broken heart

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 28 July :: 1.43am

looking at the future:

going off that roller coaster in Vegas only it isn't going to stop at the edge

we need to full stop and figure out climate change

then all these social issues we created with this souless industrial military complex.

the planet isn't a body we control, it's the body we live on. kill our mother and that will be the end of whatever it is that makes homo sapiens the "special" species.

my heart aches and my head races. I just smile and nod, but inside I'm screaming.

why can't I find my voice?

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 26 July :: 9.50pm

walking home from my sweeties house I stopped on a bench in my favorite park. the full moon bathing the warm air with reflected sunlight. I hear a faint tinkling behind me. I turn and see what appears to be a small dark figure approaching at a rapid gait. I calmly await it's arrival when up onto the stone next to me appears a black cat.

I immediately begin petting his soft fur. he's purring and hugging me, come around to both sides to make sure he has exhausted all the pets. then we sat in quiet contemplation together.

we then parted ways. thanks my special friend. I appreciate the check in <3

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 25 July :: 9.28pm

heavy sigh

I don't think I will ever be happy with what I have

and I will never feel good enough

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 21 July :: 7.32pm

at his show bill burr said that he wasted so much time in his 20s & 30s worrying and being depressed about things that ultimately didn't matter. at the end of your life, everything either happened or it didn't.

and it doesn't really matter. so why worry?

why do I waste my time worrying about everyone else and everything people expect of me. I honestly don't even know what I expect of myself. I don't know what I want it of life, I guess I have goals, but if something changes and I have to change those goals it's not the end of the world.

I am like a river, full of endless cold rushing depths. I try to keep flowing forward, but sometimes a rock will look familiar, a tree will remind me of you, I get stuck in a moment and I can't get out of it.

I still can't get over the absurdity of conciousness and the human race. of even "being". to be and to contemplate my existence. to feel like a rider in a mechanical fleshy gollum. going through the motions, being an observer in those quiet moments no one ever knows.

I'm still lonely. a permanent companion.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 21 July :: 7.27pm

you don't need a friend

boy, you're a man

leave me love

Woohu.com | Random Journal