home | profile | guestbook


I reach for the bottle and disappear

recent entries | past entries


godessalthena

:: 2019 21 March :: 6.01am

I don't feel like your equal I feel like your mom

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 19 March :: 9.41pm

Money may be the husk of many things but not the kernel. It brings you food, but not appetite; medicine, but not health; acquaintances, but not friends; servants, but not loyalty; days of joy, but not peace or happiness. -Henrik Ibsen

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 13 March :: 10.48am

I just need someone to talk to.
but I'm a shitty broken record no one wants to talk to.



I do honestly think everyone would be better off if I was alone. I already feel so fucking alone.

2 left me love | leave me love


goodbye

:: 2019 8 March :: 10.29pm

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 6 March :: 8.47am
:: Mood: empty

https://youtu.be/nxg4C365LbQ

Daylight
In bad dreams
In a cool world
Full of cruel things
Hang tight
All you
Nothing like a big bad bridge
To go burning through

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 4 March :: 9.00am

I just need a lil empathy

I just need a friend who will come over to my house.

I just want to not feel alone and uncomfortable.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 28 February :: 11.40am

violently treading water to keep my lungs filled with air

never realized it was my own tears I am drowning in










I just need a life preserver tossed out here. but the boat is too far away and no one knows what a life preserver looks like.



I'll be ok. I'll be ok I'll be ok.im always ok.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 22 February :: 12.09am

rewatching JoJo's bizarre adventure because I remember next to nothing about the first season and after watching a bunch of round about memes I had to watch it

I love this show. I should read the manga

leave me love


goodbye

:: 2019 21 February :: 9.03pm

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 20 February :: 6.37am

each of our hearts contain reminants of super Nova
each of us has a yearning to be part of something greater than the whole
each of us are alone burning out our fires
until we, too, erupt into bright fireworks of destruction

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 12 February :: 6.17am

where did all my ambition go? why does a career change terrify me so much?

I hate the company I work for, but I make a buttload of money doing something I could literally do in my sleep. and occasionally I get to really help people, which is the best and most rewarding part of the job.

I try to frame it positively, I try to be thankful I have a job that does give me a full time consistent schedule, with good wage, ok benefits, and I literally only have to go into the physical office 1 time a month. in the big scheme of things I'm very fortunate... so why do I feel so empty inside?

is it just because it's a job? or is it because every other year i give 120% and then get reduced to the same number I got when I gave 60%... I get disheartened. I want to be challenged, I need an occasion to rise to. otherwise I just coast. but my current boss sucks at employee development, she's new, it's ok.

I just hate insurance. I hate corporate America. I hate big business and big money. i spend a third of my time doing something for something I despise to my very core. maybe that's the problem.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 11 February :: 8.34pm

told my boss I wanted a 12/15 this year

she basically told me to dream on...

it's fucking rigged and I know it is. my blood is boiling. what's the point? what's the fucking point.

leave me love


goodbye

:: 2019 10 February :: 8.09pm

Honestly I just feel like a waste of space, time, and energy, and know people would be better off without me. Maybe I should just leave.

1 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 9 February :: 11.02pm

all the bars we go to play 90s

either youngsters come here to feel older than they are or cuz they are hipsters

and people in their 30$ are who are being pandered to.

growing up sucks

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 6 February :: 11.26am

FUCK OSPEs

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 30 January :: 4.34pm

sweetie, all I want is for you to go out of your way to be sweet to me when my whole world feels like it's falling.

I just want to see you care. hearing it isn't enough. talk is cheap.

I just need extra sugar today.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 30 January :: 7.57am

https://youtu.be/LHCob76kigA

this song strikes a raw chord
I'm lost, no dreams of my own
everything is scary, so far out of reach
I'm lonely in my heart, and honestly....

I have abandoned hope it ever filling the gaping hole where my soul used to be

I am an empty husk. I turned 30 and after hoping all thru my twenties that 30 would magically make this better, I feel just as lost and empty as ever. I'm confused, I'm tired, I'm trying, I keep going, but why...

what's this all for anyway.. if you don't have kids you are lost to time, if you do you are lost in 1-2 generations, but what does any of that matter when humans are going to destroy this planet and go extinct just like everything else that fights the natural order as much as we do.

I just need to be held, I want to just feel less alone.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 29 January :: 7.34pm

can life just be over? I'm fucking sick of feeling.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 27 January :: 1.21pm

remember: you can't hug your children with nuclear arms

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 24 January :: 10.42am

this is just too much

everything is pressing down on me

I can't breathe

1 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 23 January :: 8.07am

a boat toad

tattoo idea: TAX on right knuckles RICH on left knuckles THE on your forehead

alternatively: replace eyebrows with mono brow tattoo that says the same thing


last night I dreamt I cut all my hair off and went back to my typical hair... I was so sad :( I guess I'm not smoking enough weed. fucking dreams.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 4 January :: 10.10am

smoking in my car has to be one of my favorite things.

Gary Numan had it right

1 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2019 3 January :: 10.20am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: city & color

admit, this is never what you wanted
"isn't it great to find that you're really worth nothing?"

i feel this deep, deep anxiety, pain, sorrow and emptiness.

it feels like i'm missing someone i never met. it feels like the hole in my heart just tore a little bigger.

it feels like i'm ripped wide open and everyone can see the wind blow. right through my ribs, right through my heart.

i want to help those i love who are in pain so badly, and yet i'm completely powerless to help ease their sufferings, to help them feel relief, to see they are comforted and know they are loved.

maybe i am heartless, maybe i'm not the best person to be friends with. as someone who thinks about suicide constantly to comfort me against the absurdity and pain of being alive, i understand the desire and compulsion. and as someone who understands, it is so hard for me to stay don't.

but please don't. and if it's too late to say good bye... i just hope you found the relief you were looking for.




this life isn't what i want. i don't know what i want. maybe i do. i just want to feel important.

but i feel like that's impossible. i'll never feel important enough. and the more people i fill my life with, the less important i feel. and the more i want to run and hide and forget i ever knew anyone in the first place.

i didn't ask for life. i didn't ask to be white, or a woman, or pretty. i didn't ask to be born in the 21st century, i didn't ask to be a millennial. i didn't ask to fill the oceans with plastics or the air with toxins. i just want to go back to nothing, back to star dust, back to the earth. to be a tree or a bug or a toad. not thinking, not conscious, not lost in this hopeless endless spiral of humanity.

i am lost. and i just want to help someone else not be so lost.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 29 December :: 10.13am
:: Mood: amused

plays my first game of D&D since I was a young gal

we raced around a mysterious track in fun vehicles

there was so much laughter, shenanigans and tomfoolery and it was everything I needed

thanks Nef for inviting me along and being patient with me! it was an excellent way to spend a Friday night

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 16 December :: 2.35am

I know somewhere we can trade all our money for a homesick fade to white

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 10 December :: 8.59pm

I'm thankful to have a family who loves me and friends who are there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on or some sense talked into me.

I'm also thankful that while this country is fucked, that I don't live in one that is worse.

things will be okay as long as you keep your head above water, and if you don't, sometimes you come back up.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 9 December :: 10.59pm

the pebble cannot change the course of a river

all it can do is hope to be picked up and carried for a while

thankful to be part of the journey

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 9 December :: 9.52pm

when every shitty thing you know about yourself is shoved right in your disappointing face and you're forced to smell your own shit sundae

I don't want to wake up.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 8 December :: 6.59pm

fuck everything

1 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 8 December :: 9.07am

sickness from hell
first time I've been this sick in a few years

every time I swallow I wake up because it hurts so bad. went to the doctor just to be told there's nothing they can do.

just what I needed, another worthless egocentric doctor who can't help. and an expensive medical bill before x mass. woo.

leave me love

Woohu.com | Random Journal