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I reach for the bottle and disappear

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godessalthena

:: 2017 20 June :: 10.45pm

applied to a job outside of LM

i really, really want this


i need out, everything is screaming at me GET THE FUCK OUT

so why do i hesitate

leave me love


goodbye

:: 2017 20 June :: 9.07pm

Facebook is still stupid.

leave me love


poisonedheart

:: 2017 16 June :: 11.54pm


When something I hold dear is out to hurt me
I kick that feeble dream and whisper something like a prayer

No more shame, no more fear, no more dread

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 16 June :: 8.38pm

boring bland artificial vanilla pasty vapid windbag is all i have amounted to

remember the days when you still felt alive?

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 15 June :: 3.02pm

utterly

and

totally






alone

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 15 June :: 12.17pm

how much would everyone hate me if i just decided to get knocked up and did it all myself

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 14 June :: 8.24pm

today i smoked a blunt which was wrapped with a single marijuana leaf.

it tasted delicious and made my lips tingle pleasantly.

i just love weed so god damned much.

it's my life line out of this insanity.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 7 June :: 1.25pm

dear computers everywhere:

FUCK YOU YOU STUPID PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT WHY CANT YOU EVER FUCKING WORK IF YOU COULD PLEASE JUST FUCKING ONCE DO WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO ILL BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL BUT YOU WONT BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID INANIMATE UNFEELING THINGS THAT EXIST SOLELY TO PISS ME OFF

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU

sincerely,
fuck you

leave me love


goodbye

:: 2017 7 June :: 5.39am

Sometimes I don't understand why my friends like me so much... I'm not very attentive. I'm not good at having conversations and not being awkward. I'm not a very kind or generous person.

I suppose I'm caring... but am I really? Can any human truly be so? Often times I wonder whether I'm just attempting to fit a role made up for me... One I don't really belong to or believe in but one I feel I must achieve or show I care about.

Do I really care about anything? Nhialism got ahold of me last summer and it's hard for me to shake it, even though I've been trying. It all continues to seem so pointless in many ways.

I'm a few months away from 30 years old and I still can't figure this thing out. I still can't get a grasp on life and society. I still feel like a child. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I feel like a kid dressing up as an adult. I'm sure my height has something to do with it... but I'm just... I'm not ready... for any of this.

1 left me love | leave me love


goodbye

:: 2017 29 May :: 9.09pm

I'm feeling great. Making summer plans. Enjoying life and getting things done!

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 28 May :: 8.56pm

i am so incredibly stoned right night

i have consumed mucho el smoko to help me feel like i can't feel


i like joints because they remind me of cigarettes i miss those little
motherfuckers

what i miss is knowing i'll die sooner
because this world makes me so loathe to be here



i just miss you. more than i thought i would. but i'm working in trying to stifle my emotions and act like a strong independent woman, as much as i don't want to.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 28 May :: 10.50am

don't worry about me. i don't need anyone. im strong enough on my own.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 26 May :: 7.34am

every day my heart breaks a little more

empty words spoken by false friends

if you really wanted to help me you'd be there for me

just saying you care isn't enough



maybe i should care more too.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 25 May :: 2.19pm

i sit at work and think about what's going on in the world

what's BEEN going on in the world since the rise of man

thinking about all the plastic in our oceans and in our animals and our landfills

thinking about all the cancer and disease nuclear weapons and power have cause

all the cancer and dealt that corporations have caused

all the countless cultures that were erased due to christianity

people who were once, or still are, slaves to the greedy and powerful

and the. i look at the boxes with the never ending red dots

and all the cuts to our benefits

and all the retaliation and politics

and it's all i can do to not burst into tears





everything is so absolutely hopeless.
what's the point.

leave me love


goodbye

:: 2017 20 May :: 8.51pm

Runaway runaway runaway runaway

1 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 15 May :: 10.08am

i said goodbye with my mouth

but my heart still holds you inside

twisted and contorted

did i do the right thing

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 13 May :: 1.26am

as you grow older and notice patterns in behavior

when i'm extremely stressed and feeling particularly out of control i floss

i also push my body way too hard and in the bad way i hope i wasn't as mean to myself as i think



sooo excited about j's new place! makes me nostalgic for my apartment
especially now that it's summer
sigh

leave me love


poisonedheart

:: 2017 9 May :: 8.40am



When I was a kid
My whole reality split
I was living a lie
I was a killing machine
I was a war lord
When I closed my eyes

I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop

When I was a kid
I was a total dick
To inanimate objects
The world beat the hell from me
I took it out on a tree
Great Illustrated Classics

I took it out on a fig tree
Out on the lawn
I took it out in the backyard (backyard!)
And behind Rite Aid
I took it out on the crates
And on the shopping carts

We were on another plane
I was the king of pain
In unspeakable cruelty
I set the mommy on fire
I set the baby on fire
Not even Jesus could stop me

I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop

I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop
Stop, stop

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 4 May :: 9.27pm

first time playing quarters TOTAL DOMINATION

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 29 April :: 2.34pm

i am so so tired

why so tired

leave me love


poisonedheart

:: 2017 25 April :: 1.09am

So I looked into your eyes and I saw the reflection
Of a coward you and I both hate very much

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 22 April :: 10.45am

i think my boyfriend and i have the same cycle

that or he really hates when i do stuff without him

either way i don't like it

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 15 April :: 7.28pm

finally home after the portland trip. concert was bitchin. had a super fun time.

can't tell if i'm depressed or just pms'ing

just love being home so much

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 11 April :: 10.00pm

every year i try harder and harder to love my birthday

and every year it gets harder and harder to enjoy it

it's just a reminder of how many people i've had to leave behind how many people i loved deeply who hurt me people who i trusted people i shouldn't have trusted dreams set on false pretenses and a deep desperate desire to be needed

all my self doubt and fear about the future

my shame and regrets

my failures

then combine with hanging out with people who i only talk to through text who all hate each other the futile attempts to have everyone have fun and get along and then becoming the DD because i can't trust anyone else

i just am a fucking wet blanket and i hate it but i feel powerless to change it

i hate this

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 7 April :: 5.42pm

happy birthday to me
vacation's all i ever wanted
vacation got to get away

2 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 31 March :: 11.09pm

shit shouldn't be this fucking HARD


my chest contains a heavy stone, where my heart used to be.


some days feel like heavy clouds trying to choke any semblance of joy out of me.


i always have been and always will be worthless.




life is pain. we are all alone. no one will every really understand us. nothing really matters in the end. when your flesh is burned or buried. to be eaten by worms or breathed in by animals. but you will be dead.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 31 March :: 8.36pm

i still have as much of a clue as to what i'm doing with my life as i did 10 years ago.

absolutely no fucking clue



leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 31 March :: 10.20am

women are a commodity not people
women are a natural resource, a status symbol, a toy
women owe men for everything men do for them
they are only worth the sex they give freely
and if they try to take some power back by charging for sex they are vilified
women aren't people
women are tools to use in the gratifications nd fulfillment of men

if you treat us nicely, we owe you sex
if you buy us dinner, we owe you sex
if we are nice and friendly to you, we owe you sex
if we smile in your general direction, we owe you sex

if you rape us and ruin our lives, you shouldn't be punished because you have your whole life ahead of you
if you rape us and make us pregnant, we have to keep the baby with no support from you because we should have made better decisions with our bodies
if you rape us and we speak out, we are the whores who asked for it

but yeah, women have it pretty good. we have the power. we are in control.

but of what?


we are brainwashed from an early age that we aren't anything but bitches and hoes.
we are told we can achieve anything, but we are never treated equally
we are looked down upon
we are too emotional
we aren't strong enough
we are too shy
we are too outspoken

we are told to blaze our own trail, but if it isn't in high heels and full make up, you don't want it
we are told to shoot for the stars, while we are locked in cages
we are told to be ourselves and unique, but are shamed and scorned if we do not conform to the status quo
everything is quid pro quo for us

of all the jobs i've had, the one i stayed at the longest is the only one i haven't been sexually harassed at. it is one of the main reason i have stayed here this long.

but all of this means little or nothing to a majority of men. they don't see the problems because they don't have to wake up and hope they aren't assaulted, discounted or ridiculed because of their gender. ignorance is bliss. and no one wants to walk a mile in stilettos.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 16 March :: 7.41am

i gave my everything

to all the wrong things

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 10 March :: 10.49pm

am i depressed or am i happy?

im paranoid

leave me love

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