home | profile | guestbook


I reach for the bottle and disappear

recent entries | past entries


godessalthena

:: 2018 22 June :: 7.05pm

stupid piece of shit white skin.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 22 June :: 9.51am

on vacation trying to have a good time

feeling like a piece of shit failure

I hate being alive

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 14 June :: 6.55pm

I want to offer my condolences to anyone who doesn't have a sister or isn't on close terms with their sisters...

because I absolutely love my sister and I would be so lost without her. it's a special connection between sisters, especially when you grow up close in age.

we might not talk every day or see each other all the time, but she always has my back and I always have hers. she helps me see insights into myself I wouldn't have otherwise, and always comforts me even when there isn't anything else to be done.

I just hope she knows that she is the most precious gem I know

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 12 June :: 10.51pm

you know you are pathetic when.....


you can't sleep because you are busy thinking about the shitty escalated call out you have to make because another senior representative couldn't do their fucking job.

why is she not held to the same standards as the newer seniors? why are none of them?

WHY DO THEY GET PAID MORE FOR FUCKING UP EVERYTHING THEY TOUCH!?!!

I need a fucking vacation... starting in T minus 3 days and counting down...

1 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 12 June :: 4.02pm

there isn't anything more than empty conversations filled with empty words.

I keep waiting for someone to save me. I know I have to save myself. I'm too weak. I'm too worthless.im too meek.

all these suicides in the news, and all I can do is longingly dream of the day that I might find peace.




my childhood and adult traumas have led me down this road where I constantly try so hard to have people love me and remain loyal to me. as a kid people told me I was creepy for trying too hard. all I wanted was a friend, to not feel alone,to maybe have the abuse stopped or at least have a sympathetic ear. now as an adult once I do find a friend I try too hard. I let my friends and lovers take advantage of my kindness, my generosity, my time, and I rarely get anything in return, I rarely ask anything in return.

I don't ask, because my needs aren't as important as everyone else's. if I try to cry in front of someone to maybe get a little sympathy, maybe not feel so isolated, I just get pushed even further away by harsh words of judgment. or they run away, afraid of someone else's feelings.


as a child I was cast away to the isle of solitude. there was no devil there waiting for me, a monster I could befriend. instead it was just an empty rock poking out of the bottom of the ocean, and here I still reside, waiting for the day I no longer count another day.

2 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 11 June :: 9.40am

let me paint in ultraemotion

let me set this thing to hyperfeeling

sentimentality is running high and we have a nostalgia super bonus saved up

just know that you did touch my heart deeply, I think about you constantly and I hope whatever pain is in your heart finds a little peace somewhere in this endless blue sky.

2 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 8 June :: 2.31pm

cicadas chripping in the heart of the day

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 8 June :: 9.50am

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky.

leave me love


poisonedheart

:: 2018 5 June :: 11.22pm

A promise from me
Is just a lie I ain't told yet.
So I'm ready to die, but I'm not willing to watch
You watch me die here in our bed.

leave me love


goodbye

:: 2018 4 June :: 4.46pm

After I take care of the few commitments I made this week, I'm going to take a social break for a while. My last two weeks have been a little crazy. I am overwhelmed with love, confusion, irritation, and then whatever "idgaf" would be as a feeling - pertaining to plenty of individuals. Many highs with some lows, but overall, bona fide positivity is rushing through my soul. Good feels all around.

And now, for sleep. All the sleep. u.u zzz

leave me love


goodbye

:: 2018 30 May :: 6.30pm

My choices have been very stupid. I have no idea what to do with my life now.

leave me love


goodbye

:: 2018 19 May :: 10.43pm

It's a get-fucked-up kinda night.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 15 May :: 9.41am

it's a placebo kinda day

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 11 May :: 9.26am

every night I go to sleep optimistic that I will not wake up

every day I awaken to the same nightmare

the sets and faces change, but the feelings always remain.

worthless. lonely. isolated. absurd. pointless. grey. empty. devastated. crushed.

I'm just so tired, but sleep doesn't seem to rest my soul. do I even have a soul?

all I feel is blood and bone. no heart. no soul.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 11 May :: 7.53am

I wish I had someone to talk to

4 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 10 May :: 9.47am

wake up
wake up

WAKE UP

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 3 May :: 4.06pm

honestly, I'm never completely honest.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 27 April :: 7.09am

heading to Seattle this weekend to visit my best Frome I am so excited! last time I saw her we went to her best friends memorial at the state park it was very sad... this will be more fun!

we are going to explore whidby island! I've always wanted to go but never was able to. we are going with some mutual friends and their adorable twin daughters. I made some macarons which I need to ship off today, but the extras I'm bringing with (not that we need more sugar she went crazy getting me candyyyyyy)

my sweetie got a 2018 wrx, I have driven it once and I'm really jealous but..... I love my 35 mpg way more than his however many horses haha

maybe I'm too much if a grandma but being a passenger is scary. especially in the back seat.

1 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 23 April :: 11.46pm

all I really need right this moment is an encouraging word or a friendly face.

I just want someone to see me.

I feel so utterly and totally invisible.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 14 April :: 9.00am

this birthday has been shit.

I want this to be my last birthday.

there isn't anything in the world worth this much pain.

1 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 6 April :: 11.58am

Easter dinner was delicious I will post photos soon...

So glad it's Friday, I wish the weekend would last forever... I need a permanent vacation

4 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 30 March :: 4.11pm

Everything is ok

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 23 March :: 7.10pm

I fucking LOVE Easter because my mom always makes my favorite dish: minty potatoes.

I know it sounds weird, but imagine small red potatoes with the center peel taken out of the skin, then cook until soft and mix with a metric fuck ton of fresh garlic and fresh mint and hella butter. It's all my favorite things in one dish plus mint! And then you put all the salt on. It's heaven.

This year is a special Easter because it also is my very special friend Jay's birthday! Turning the big 24! So proud of you man! Keep fighting the good fight and keep a stiff upper lip! Pip pip cheerio hip hip huzzah!

1 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 23 March :: 7.19am

To the fuck head using a pneumatic machine at 7am:

FUCK YOU SOME PEOPLE SLEEP IN THE FUCKING MORNING THERE IS NO SHOW WHATEVER IT IS YOU ARE DOING CAN WAIT 1 MOTHER LOVING HOUR >:(

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 21 March :: 9.51pm

love is this thing I've been chasing ever since my childhood. I keep putting my heart into people, imagining that one of them will put me as number one, put me on a pedestal and let me still be independent.

I have been asking for space, but also suffocating attention. My childhood was taken from me, and my emotions are all fucked up. But I finally had this moment of clarity...

Maybe my second relationship would have worked out if I had just stayed in college. If I had valued that stupid worthless piece of paper over my dillusional image of what love is.

Love isn't noble or pure, just or heavenly. I haven't really believed in it for a long time, but it's still something I crave. I my relationship I can feel the same feelings that love is in my heart, and I suppose it is still love... My mind just warps it into this cynical and painful experience where nothing is ever good enough.

I'm never good enough
They never read my mind well enough
I cant even read my mind well enough to know what I need or want

I just want to feel important to you. But first I need to feel important to myself.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 21 March :: 9.03pm

Ate two medicated cookies before my drive home from work,they hit me maybe half an hour after I got home, I fell into a hole.

Edibles are always too much for me. I don't know why, maybe I just underestimate their power... Maybe they just hate me.

Maybe I just got some that were really strong, the distillate didn't blend into the icing well so it turned out really random, some are weak and some will make you get lost in a hole!

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 19 March :: 10.00pm

soon my work raise will hit

If they offer OT I'm taking it as much as that place removes my soul and consumes it while I watch in terror I really need to get serious about making some cash

FUCKING 1%ERS CAN KISS MY ASS

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2018 16 March :: 10.12pm

If I ever start balding I'm going to shave my head and have a giant eyeball tattooed on the back of my head and make it so it follows you everywhere you go

2 left me love | leave me love


goodbye

:: 2018 16 March :: 2.38pm

If I stay with this momentum, I should be at goal weight by September's end.

leave me love


goodbye

:: 2018 15 March :: 11.59am

Processing all of this is going to take me a long time.

leave me love

Woohu.com | Random Journal