I reach for the bottle and disappear

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I reach for the bottle and disappear

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:: 2019 15 November :: 10.30pm

rollercoaster today at work... some days I really love what I do and other times it makes me cry and I hate it. I just don't understand why so many people feel compelled to be assholes... like what does it really serve?

I guess everyone had bad days but if every day is a bad day maybe you need to change something..? maybe try a career change first?

I love have been feeling like I want to try to be a manager, but I just love what I do so much... like I would love to be a trainer, I'd love to be a business analyst...

I'd love to be a stay at home mom and active in my community and shit.

I just want to be in a position where we don't have to both work, so maybe we can make more time for fun things. you know... like back in the old days when more parents could afford to have one stay home and shit. TV & tablets raise kinda shitty kids...

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2019 15 November :: 10.23pm

rollercoaster today at work... some days I really love what I do and other times it makes me cry and I hate it. I just don't understand why so many people feel compelled to be assholes... like what does it really serve?

I guess everyone had bad days but if every day is a bad day maybe you need to change something..? maybe try a career change first?

I love have been feeling like I want to try to be a manager, but I just love what I do so much... like I would love to be a trainer, I'd love to be a business analyst...

I'd love to be a stay at home mom and active in my community and shit.

I just want to be in a position where we don't have to both work, so maybe we can make more time for fun things. you know... like back in the old days when more parents could afford to have one stay home and shit. TV & tablets raise kinda shitty kids...

:: 2019 27 October :: 11.57am

I've been a solid Rock lately but

I just can't right now.my cup is empty, and no one gives a fuck about my emotional needs.

so why do I kill myself caring about theirs?

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2019 10 October :: 2.23pm

I have a very strong force of chill

people get around me and they just melt into the couch and are comfy

I like chilling, and being lazy, but sometimes it sucks cuz I don't always want to be.

:: 2019 3 October :: 9.09pm

I can hardly imagine going to an open casket funeral, but to also dig their hole and put them in the hole you dug?

that is some next level shit. natives don't half ass saying good bye.

I just wish we didn't have to say goodbye at all.

3 left me love | leave me love

:: 2019 28 September :: 11.00pm

it is such a secret place, the land of tears

:: 2019 26 September :: 2.29pm
:: Mood: crushed

https://youtu.be/jWFWazj7Ud8

we won't let you slip away....
but we did.

good bye friend. I wish you could have stayed longer.

:: 2019 16 September :: 11.05pm

I hate those God damned electric scooters being used in pitch black by drunk assholes dressed in shades of grey

I have been worried sick about hitting one and then one plows into me! and scoots off into the distance. ugh.

:: 2019 6 September :: 8.56am

Prozac has me like

https://youtu.be/0BS5lRJfJgQ

:: 2019 3 September :: 7.29am

we are arriving at the final warm days off summer, soon it will be fall and then it will be winter.

I feel like I'm moving in show motion as time hurdles past me.

I don't know what I want. I don't want anything, but I also want it all. I miss feeling like there was real adventure in my life.

maybe there never was. I want to move to a new city and see what different and exciting things I can find. I want to move to the country and never love in a big city again. I want kinda kids, I want to be a kid myself forever.

I honestly don't care, either things will happen or they won't. why fight against the current when I can just enjoy the ride until the waterfall throws us off to our deaths?

that is, if the river doesn't dry up first... like my optimism about the future.

:: 2019 27 August :: 8.27am

shake shake shake seniora shake your body line
work work work seniora work it all the time

:: 2019 21 August :: 10.58am

FUCK CAPITALISM

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2019 30 July :: 9.35pm

Kind words, kind looks, kind acts, and warm hand-shakes, - these are means of grace when men in trouble are fighting their unseen battles. -John Hall

:: 2019 30 July :: 7.05pm

I thought for the longest time capos were called "catbows" and I couldn't for the life of me understand why they were called that

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2019 23 July :: 10.44pm

being gamey boi with mah boi makes me happy

:: 2019 21 July :: 10.24am

I don't think I want this for the rest of my life.

why is alcohol so important in America and why can't they all just stop being alcoholics?

the bathroom still smells like puke.

bleh.

:: 2019 18 July :: 6.22am

been feeling a lil better lately, like the dark cloud is passing for now.

if only it would go away forever

:: 2019 8 July :: 10.52pm

As a child I was taught that to tell the truth was often painful. As an adult I have learned that not to tell the truth is more painful, and that the fear of telling the truth -- whatever the truth may be -- that fear is the most painful sensation of a moral life. -June Jordan

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2019 8 July :: 12.53pm

I wish I could have been born a cookie cutter happy robot who enjoyed getting wasted with strangers.

my life would be so much easier.

I wouldn't be losing my job.
I wouldn't feel like I have no friends.
I would be able to just live life with nothing but a smile and a blank mind with nothing in it but me me me

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2019 6 July :: 7.30am

one friend tries to kill himself and ended up in the ER (glad he didn't succeed, definitely mostly a bad med combo issue.. that stuff really scares me)

another friend trying to kill himself with a failing liver. after spending a week in the ER and being told he can't drink ever again, the dummy never goes to a follow up appointment and is now dying on someone else's couch in the middle of nowhere. like... killing himself with inaction.

it breaks your God damn heart. and you want to help that's all you want to do, but what exactly can one do.. I try to be there, but maybe I'm just not trying hard enough..

or maybe there's no way to stop a train from going off the tracks?

sometimes I feel the same way as them.. the only thing that honestly holds me back is the fear of the unknown of the after. I don't know if I want it to be nothing, hell, or something else. but what I do know is I'm afraid to face all the horrible things I've done, I'm afraid of nothingness, I'm afraid that I won't deserve what I get, that I won't get to see my passed on loved ones again.

I just really hope it's what I imagine it to be, only I don't want to come back this time I just want to turn back into a star and stay there for a while.

fucking plastic.

:: 2019 2 July :: 3.40pm

when all you can feel is devastated

:: 2019 2 July :: 7.38am

learning how to be a gamey boi so I can spend more time with my sweetie... so far so good. I don't mind being the worst as long as everyone is having fun.

I am feeling more optimistic than yesterday. I just really need an attitude adjustment at work, it's just hard when every day is a boring and redundant disappointment.

:: 2019 29 June :: 1.17pm

Why does no one want to marry me? Am I not good enough for it?

I shouldn't even be asking myself that question. I know I'm not good enough to be someone's wife. The men that I've been with have indicated that. The first, obviously. The second, pretty much there.

I have grown up in a society that has told me that that's all I'm good for. I've learned that I'm not even good enough for that. The little I must amount to...

I could settle and marry someone I don't love. I could be Cath. When will this flame of hope finally die inside me so that I can stop moving forward and resign to my fate to never get what I want in life? I hope it dies soon so that I can too.

1 left me love | leave me love

:: 2019 28 June :: 6.47pm

Just getting to watch the Democratic debates now. Holy shit I'm pumped.

:: 2019 27 June :: 7.49am

didn't get either of the jobs. spent most of my vacation feeling super belly sick. wasted a ton of money. felt bad about myself.

just really in a dark place trying to stay above the current

:: 2019 19 June :: 6.28am

3 days until the really adventure starts

feels like an eternity, I just want to run away now.

been eating like shit, feeling like shit, trying to remain positive. so exhausting "looking on the sunny side" all the time... but it's made a difference I guess.

good robot human unit, ya did good cold unfeeling robot arm. learned some stuff about other robot units at work... can I just say if that particular unit cannot take feedback/constructive criticism from people who only want them to succeed, I can only imagine the nightmare of being married to them...

or maybe they are this way due to their relationship, maybe the SO was constantly berating and criticizing them, so now that they are free, the habit dies hard.

I can't say I'm much different... I can't seem to trust anyone. I can't please myself over others. I can't say no when I want to without endless writhing guilt.

you make me feel lonely. you make me feel unimportant and insignificant. you make me feel trapped.

:: 2019 13 June :: 11.23pm

tomorrow is the big day... when I find out if I got the training job. I'm so nervous I can't sleep is like Christmas Eve when all you can think about is how your parents had to have gotten you that kitten this year is the year..... but deep down you know there is no kitten.

I am trying to remain optimistic. that my trip to Canada with emy will be a celebration vacation rather than that of defeat... I'm so excited getting pedicures then staying in a restort for a few days right on the ocean. I miss the ocean, I need the ocean again. I just hope this time I come back feeling better, because something has to give.

I just hope it isn't me.

now I just need to learn how to love someone again, and trust him, but it's just so damn hard to not be scared that I'm going to be hurt again

you make me cry sometimes baby and I wish ... I could move you like you move me sometimes ...

Oh, honey I'm worried 'bout you
You're too much to lose
You're all that I have
And, honey I'm worried 'bout you
Put yourself in my shoes
You're all that I have so please don't die
Wherever you are tonight

3 left me love | leave me love

:: 2019 13 June :: 4.27pm
:: Music: The Best of Me - The Used

Most of the time I think of wonderful, exciting things to do, I just don't do them because I have no one to do them with. Concerts, movies, trips... I've missed out on so much shit. Then I try to do stuff alone and the enjoyment goes from possible 100 to like 12. It's just no fun by myself.

Life alone just fucking blows.

:: 2019 4 June :: 9.33pm

finally listening to the taking back Sunday album I thought I was buying when I drunkenly bought that all American rejects album

that's the good shit

:: 2019 4 June :: 1.27pm

this happens every month
where I just fill up with every negative emotions I bury deep down
and every sad song is about me
and I feel so alone

desolate and isolated stuck on an island of my own design

I was hoping these pills would make me a zombie but all they do is make me an ifrit

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