I've been visiting my Grandmother with my Mom this week. She teaches me many new things and reminds me of many things I've learned before:
Be vigilant with patience. You can never be too patient around her.
It's okay to feel what you want to feel but don't be consumed by it. She has overcome so much in her life and I hope she can be happy about that. I'm certainly proud of her.
Be compassionate and kind above all else. Let the people you love let know you love them and love spending time with them.
I am lucky and blessed to still have my Grammie. I treasure the time I've gotten to spend with her on this trip and throughout my whole life. I am very thankful to bond with my Mother as well. It has been a wonderful time, one which I hope to remember forever.
Lately from them and from some other people in my life, I have been hearing alot of "I really enjoy being with you." And "I'm so happy you came." And other similar things. Initially I always feel surprised by it due to some negative experiences I've had where people have told me otherwise... but it is beginning to sink in that I am a good friend and person and I do make other peoples' lives better by expressing my care. I am warmed by this beautiful feeling of welcomeness and love. It helps me see that this world isn't such a dark place after all. Something I need to remember, especially before such a difficult day for me.
Found the journal entry my first boyfriend posted after we broke up... Daggers in my heart but I'm determined not to make the same mistakes I did so long ago. That was 12 years ago, but it still is deep in my heart.
I say often that I am atoning for past sins in my current days, the scars on my heart from all the people I've wronged or hurt still throb in my mind.
I know I can't make up for everything and I know holding onto these things are detrimental to me. How do you let go, how do you leave the past in the past?
I can feel all the pain in the world, and it mixes with my own. The paints blur together into a grey and dismal portrait and we all know once mixed they can't be separated. Will these paints ever dry and allow me to paint over with something beautiful?
2018 6 February :: 1.09pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: bleachers - dont take the money
When you're looking for your shadow
Standing on the edge of yourself
Praying on the darkness
Just don't take the money
Dreaming of an easy
Waking up without weight now
And you're looking at the heartless
Just don't take the money
You steal the air out of my lungs, you make me feel it
I pray for everything we lost, buy back the secrets
Your hand forever's all I want
Don't take the money
I'm kinda hoping she's kinda underwhelmed with the stuff and then when she comes back she's hella surprised!!
But I didn't want ta make her too sad that we "forgot" her birthday so I'm bringing french macarons and we got her a beautiful card and some flowers... Then on Wednesday she'll have 12 rainbow balloons 2 unicorn balloons and a desk covered in streamers and confetti!
I don't usually go too far out, but we always kinda forget her birthday when she always goes all out for our birthdays... I love her so much, and her family doesn't appreciate her like they should! So I want her to feel appreciated at least once this year!!
I've been sleeping a lot lately, but not the nice restful kind, rather the kind where you just spin all night then wake up 2 hours early and can't get back to sleep.
I'm sad today. I just want to hide under a rock and pretend I don't exist. Hopefully I get an early out today.
My last check was $200 short, which hurt a little, but it's nice not having to worry about rent or a car payment. What are student loans going to do? Rape me and steal my dog? Well maybe with this new president.... Should I worry? Haha
But 2 appointments with my therapist costs about $200 and having so much time away from work has really helped my mental health lately. More than seeing my therapist, so I'll take the loss and mark it as a win.
I just have to say, after spending close to $500 on gifts for my sweetie for Xmas if he doesn't get me a good damned bathrobe for a super late gift I'm going to he so mad.
I hate feeling like a conspiracy theorist but the older I get the harder it is to ignore that every problem in America was and is manufactured by the government/the wealthy to keep the masses controlled, weak and leached of any resources.