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I reach for the bottle and disappear

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godessalthena

:: 2017 2 October :: 9.34am

i was hoping that a sleep would help get rid of this empty hollow feeling deep inside

but how can sleep help with horrible things when horrible things happen whilst there?



i don't want to live here any longer. maybe all those celebrities died last year because they knew what was coming.

please someone stop this crazy ride, i want to get off.

2 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 1 October :: 9.38am
:: Mood: crushed

i have a big old heart of stone today.

i fucking hate you sometimes. i don't know why im still holding onto a friendship that burned hot and then burned out so quickly. maybe i don't want to accept the fact that i was just a tool in your life, a means to an end that was ultimately inconsequential to you. yeah you still occasionally compliment me, but i don't care how "beautiful" or "remarkable" you say i am, i know you are just.blowing smoke.

maybe if instead of bailing on all the plans we make, scheduling me for 2 weeks in advance to hang out and then "forgetting" even though i reminded you the day before, maybe if you actually once asked ME how I am doing rather than just talk about your life and problems.

i am happy you took a step to make yourself happy and are now living the life you always wanted. i wish you would just let me know because i know you don't even like me. you only love me conditionally when it can get you something you want.

you even told me you loved me once, and that you would be with me. and that was a lie to put a collar on my hearts it still hurts. it cut me like a dog forgotten tied to a tree.

it just fucking kills me. i miss you, and yet i hate you.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 29 September :: 11.12pm

i understand your sadness so i guess i should hold my tongue

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 25 September :: 8.18pm

juanjolio got a bearded dragon and named him hobbs

he's light tan and when he wants out of his enclosure he goes super pale and makes his throat black and tries to get out

he didn't like me at first but i think now he likes me a lot

he found hobbs on craigslist for free some little punks couldn't give him the time, he came with a bum eye but it's getting better

he's so mad right now, too. he's a grumpy guy sometimes.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 23 September :: 8.15am

nothing feels good
nothing is fun
my job sucks away all my joy
all my time
all my ambition

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 22 September :: 12.29pm

someone hurry up and murder me

suicide is too scary

and i want off this fucking ride

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 21 September :: 5.50pm

i swear to christ if you fucking tell me "let's not make this a thing" im going to fucking scream

1. i will make a "thing" out of whatever i feel is important enough to make a "thing" of.

2. me offering to be nice is not me making a "thing" out of the situation

3. fuck off

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 11 September :: 11.36pm

best things about being an adult:

1. pets
2. hotels
3. driving your own car

2 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 30 August :: 2.02pm

it feels like i can't ever do anything right

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 29 August :: 10.27pm

in all honesty i probably am too hard on myself. i'm not even 30 yet, halfway to making 6 figure salary. i get 150 hours off a year and in 3 years it goes up to 180. im doing better than the average person my age i think?

so i don't have a house. so i don't have a kid. there's no rush to make those decisions even now. like everyone else i do have a lot of debt, like a revolving door. and yes credit cards get me in a little trouble but not like before.

i need to stop bullying myself over not being good enough compared to other people. i am good enough because my heart is large and i love and am loved. i an generous and i try to be there for my friends, even if there's static going on. i am not perfect and i do become self centered at times, but that is part of loving yourself.

itll be okay. the future is yet to be seen. hopefully the craziness that is our world right now settles and i can stop feeling completely out of control and pessimistic. i hate what america is doing right now, caving in on itself. it's terrifying what might come, but then again, what generation HASN'T felt that way?

so much stress.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 29 August :: 7.08pm

after 5 years of persistent hard work and dedication

i have finally achieved a goal i never thought possible

I JUST BLEW MY FIRST INTENTIONAL PERFECT SMOKE RING!!!!
omg omg omg

is like to thank marihuana cigarettes for making this all finally come true

through the sweet ganja goddess
all things are possible

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 26 August :: 9.04pm

feeling left behind or left out

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 23 August :: 5.21pm

starving myself hurts WAY less than feeding myself.

anorexia here i come!

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 21 August :: 5.52pm

when you have IBS is it like an every day kinda thing? or does it come and go like crohn's?

because idk if i can live every day feeling like this.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 19 August :: 8.48am

the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that a couple people would be devastated if i stopped

but another 50 years of this? another 50 years of living the same bullshit every single day.

the sad eternal sorrow lodged deep in my heart

knowing this stone in my chest will never start beating again

i am an empty husk of a person, bland, boring, vanilla

a waste to time of space of paint

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 19 August :: 1.11am

SAME SHIT DIFFERENT DAY

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 17 August :: 5.39pm

looking forward to the future exhausts me to no end
thinking of all the days marching before me
looking at all the days that have marched past me
it's too much
it isn't enough
to keep me

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 17 August :: 2.09pm

i just want to know if i got the job

so i can tell this place fuck you very much

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 9 August :: 2.11pm

ugh

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 4 August :: 8.07pm

dabs drinks and r&b from the 2000s with friends

dreams really do come true

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 4 August :: 4.47pm

life is too short

to voluntarily enslave yourself

to misery

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 3 August :: 10.53am

today started really rough

had a mental breakdown right before my interview

hurt my back sitting on that orange couch last night

late payments and shitty IVR and customer service representatives

Now everything is squared away, i wish my belly would settle down


i really hope i get this. i need out. i'm breaking up with you, work, and it hurts me more than it'll ever hurt you.

why do you have to keep breaking my heart?

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 2 August :: 11.46pm

why do the hide men's faces in porn?

1 left me love | leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 28 July :: 9.07pm

i know im not alone in the way i feel

but how many other people feel this way

how do they cope

just one foot in front of the other?

it feels that simple but is it really?

i am losing my mind but i'm terrified to make a change

i settled into quicksand and i don't know if i can claw my way out

when i started at liberty it was a shining beacon of hope. i finally made it. i finally am going to make enough money to pay my bills and see the doctors i need. 7 years later and all i see is a dark moldy ship crawling it's way along a roiling black sea cannon shells marring the hull and we are all furiously bailing the toxic water out. i cry at work.i try to be a cheerleader because everyone is so buried in misery. and we just keep bailing while our muscles tear from the ligaments and the ligaments from the bone. and they tell us to smile "it could be worse". but hell is different for different people. and i can see it in everyone's eyes the trapped feeling they have. this suffocating doe eye expression claustrobia overtaking them the paper walls are tumbling on us and we and getting lacerated in the avalanche

how do we all keep going? how has no one snapped yet?

it's just too much.

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 28 July :: 4.15pm

my soul
l(a
le
af
fa
ll
s)
one
l
iness

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 28 July :: 4.02pm

the mountains of pain
with roots wrapped deep

tendrils in my heart
squeeze out the joy wasted on the ground

face the fears and follies
all alone

tears stream
and i hold my own bucket

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 27 July :: 12.55pm

liberty ain't cheap and freedom ain't free
im a millennial, blame it all on me

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 24 July :: 3.41pm

didn't get the supervisor position i applied for.

not surprised not really disappointed just kinda meh

im ready for a new chapter im ready for a change but i'm just stuck stagnating

maybe a few more years and it'll be my time

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 23 July :: 1.00am

i just want to give myself to love completely

but there's something holding me back

as of yet a nameless creature stalking me silently from the shadows

went to a beautiful wedding today one where i felt the desire to share my heart in front of those i fear the judgement of the most

i want to bear my heart to someone

but fear leaves me standing in shade waiting for the beast to take me

leave me love


godessalthena

:: 2017 20 July :: 12.28am

leaden wights pulling down on the corners of my broken heart
i harden to an icy black cold
shut down drowning the right words to say

vacuucuous hollow hole deep inside
where once was something pink and full

what is the future when you can't find a voice
hiding behind medicine enveloping conciousness
mirrors reveal a strange mystery

left thrashing furiously against the endless depth
leviathan melancholy
swallows the world whole

leave me love

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