I reach for the bottle and disappear

:: 2022 9 June :: 6.27pm

having one of those may I please die now days

:: 2022 24 April :: 9.07am

major life changes I'm not ready for are my least favorite

but respecting myself is more important to me than being loved, shy of 7 years I had to let you go.

I love you, the feelings don't just disappear. being sons you make me feel like I used to, but at the same time everything we have gone through leaves a disgusting bitter taste in my mouth.

I believe in you. all I have ever wanted is to see you succeed and take the life you deserve. but I started enabling the bad habits with no recourse. no one is innocent in the situation.

not how I wanted to spend my birthday, 4/20, or our anniversary. and soon you'll be back in the tricities and I won't have the option of just driving down and seeing you.

why do things have to come to this every time..? four long term relationships crashing and burning. each one gets worse and worse. every time I come back stronger, but a piece of my heart also rots away.

I'm just ready for something to be easy

:: 2022 7 April :: 9.12am

I'm drowning in overwhelming sorrow

:: 2022 12 March :: 8.42am

listening to a mix tape my sister made her (now-ex) boyfriend but never gave him. it's literally my favorite ever. the songs flow so perfectly, each one is beautiful and meaningful.

I've never made anything so wonderful. I often wonder if maybe I really am a waste of paint.. I don't make beautiful things, I am not thoughtful, I am a selfish Lil worm.

but somehow I still have so many absolutely remarkable people in my life, who genuinely love me for who I am, even at my most crazy, even when I make the same mistakes over and over again.

i saw a friend I hadn't seen in over two years, we went to Frank's and had mimosas, smoked a bowl in the parking lot, and finished with a cigarette. we laughed the whole time, and we have so much in common. I've really missed seeing her, and after I felt this bliss and joy I hadnt felt in a long time.

I've lost myself a little, and I'm having a hard time getting back up to the path, if there was ever a path in the first place...

not sure where I'm even going anymore.

:: 2021 30 December :: 6.25am
:: Mood: lonely

I've got time for you, you make me wanna die without trying to...

cuz I need someone else who every night remembers I exist...

the only thing I can count on is you not coming through...

Still I taught her to breathe when you're low and you're deep underwater..

Stay faithful, remember what you love, so when the world gets painful you become your own god...

one day, they'll post all my mistakes.

:: 2021 22 December :: 5.03am

if I was BPII, this is what we would call a hypo manic phase. this is when I feel confident, positive, optimistic and motivated to accomplish simple tasks I normally wouldn't have the energy for (such as baking cookies).

but I don't make impulse decisions and I don't engage in risky behavior in this phase. I definitely can't sleep.

but God damn if I'm not a ray of sunshine for my customers.

and sometimes I get to talk to very interesting person. yesterday was a recovering drug addict/alcoholic who had been married 18 years.. it was cathartic talking to someone who truly understands the losses I've had in my life and being able to relate to the pain and loss with another random stranger.

it helps me keep perspective that I'm not the only one with problems, and everyone has their own hardships, and it doesn't coat you anything to just...

to just be kind to one another.

:: 2021 18 December :: 11.01am

why is se7en such a good movie

2 left me love | leave me love

:: 2021 9 December :: 1.53pm

I have a sudden urge to watch a shot at love 2 with Tila tequila

:: 2021 6 December :: 4.47am

it's funny how fast this disintegrated. it's funny how I'm always the one left holding the rope.

it's funny that I always go after addicted narcissists.

it's funny how no one can really love me.

:: 2021 3 December :: 8.12am

how could lil amelia ever know this is how big amelia would be?

:: 2021 3 December :: 6.27am

life is an empty picture frame. no memories worth keeping, no memories worth making.

nothing matters. life is absurd. I just want to set myself on fire and watch as I turn to ash.

what is the point to all of this? my purpose in life is to push pencils and make money for soulless corporations. there is nothing bigger. the struggle against the machine is futile.

it all doesn't fucking matter.

so why am I so paralyzed

:: 2021 29 November :: 4.44am

a rusty old ghost, in a broken down machine

:: 2021 29 November :: 4.04am

been up since 3am, slept like shit. getting as high as I possibly can so I can stop crying.

I just need someone to talk to, but no one is around. don't have my car and stuck with these fucking mongrels.

I'm tires of feeling unimportant I'm tired of sleeping alone even though I'm with you.

I'm yet again just a bank account, a cold unfeeling ATM that needs some tender love and care.

I should have done more to keep Corry alive. if he hadn't died, this spiral would have started so early.. maybe we could have weathered the storms a little better if you were still here. I got you to the hospital and then I fucking abandoned you like a fucking yellowbelly rat.

I'm so so sorry. and I'll never get to tell you that. and you wint know. you won't know...

I feel so lost. 12 years of my life wasted with narcissistic alcoholics. I definitely have a type. and I'm really over it. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life then risk another mistake.

I'm such a half assed fuck up. thanks mom n dad for always loving me, no matter what stupid fucking mistakes I've made. I don't deserve you

:: 2021 18 November :: 8.35am
:: Music: baroness

first inside show since the pandemic started and it was hopping

very small crowd very intimate and very bad ass

I'm glad we went, it was just what we needed

:: 2021 3 November :: 9.14am

what's your favorite pass time?

mine is sleep

:: 2021 21 September :: 10.35am

another rejection.

we get what we deserve.

trash deserves to be burned

:: 2021 20 September :: 1.26pm

I just want to hear back about this job

:: 2021 29 August :: 12.45pm
:: Music: sleep

an open letter to the people in my life
spinning in place, hurdling thru eternity, being painfully aware of the absurdity of life, and consciousness..

I'm thankful I'm on my journey with the people I am. even if we haven't actually met. it means so much that you all joined me at one time or another. if you're still with me or we've had to say good bye... you changed my course, and I'm grateful we touched each other in some way.

life is so precious, and fleeting, and absurd, painful, frustrating, beautiful, ephemeral... I know I'm ungrateful and thankless often, but I do appreciate the little time I had on this planet, and all the people who have made it possible.

sincerely - thank you

:: 2021 2 August :: 10.49am

things can't be perfect all the time, that I know.

I will not say one word, I'll just hang around... I won't annoy you at all. when you move out I'll stay until I'm thrown away . but then it won't matter.

sometimes we just have to let some things go.

:: 2021 2 August :: 6.43am

all my dreams are dead.

I'll never afford a nice house, or a yard.

I'll never have that high paying job that will grant me a lil financial independence.

I'll never achieve anything.

this world is beyond fucked, and everyone has their heads in the sand.

:: 2021 15 July :: 12.12pm

broke my first bone today... in my right foot. being a clumsy dumbass.

:: 2021 11 July :: 8.05am

when you can't shake the feeling that you're a stranger in your own body

unrecognizable feelings and ideas, who am I, what am I doing. in the immense weights and hopeless nights.

the absolute absurdity of life, emotions, memory... ultimately we are all forgotten, like we never existed.. consumes me every waking moment. I see all the colors, but I don't even know if I'm seeing them right

:: 2021 10 July :: 8.36am

it's been a year since his dad passed away.. time fucking flies and drags at the same time. this is going to be a rough day...

:: 2021 26 June :: 4.21pm

when your ex's oldest brother passed away before he's 35.... what do you even say?

my heart is broken.. fucking what the fuck

:: 2021 12 June :: 1.42am

I hate when a bunch of drunk assholes show up at 1am and start shouting in my home while I'm trying to sleep.

no I don't want to come out there and talk to drunk people who won't remember the convo tomorrow.

I went to bed TO FUCKING SLEEP

:: 2021 4 June :: 6.43am

"When it feels scary to jump, that's exactly when you jump. Otherwise you end up staying the same place your whole life. And that I can't do."
- j c chandor

:: 2021 21 May :: 8.47am

I hate that feeling of being needed, but taken for granted.

like y'all don't really need me despite how much I do for you.

and I'm left holding that short straw in our life dingy, the next to give my body for nourishment. and unlike the plane crash in the Andes, there is no gratitude. just more fucking trash.

I'm sinking to the bottom, and as I look up to the fading light, I can see the last starlight I'll ever see, into the crushing depths. to feed the bottom dwellers or maybe just feed some scavengers.

and just never be found or thought of again.

I am dead inside

:: 2021 20 May :: 7.22am

"you just seemed so honest, but sexy"

is honesty not normally a sexy trait...? oh craigslist you confuse the heck out of me haha

:: 2021 11 May :: 8.28am

this extreme tiredness doesn't seem to want to leave

but I'm so damn tired

:: 2021 6 May :: 9.35am

everyone I love seems to be drowning in alcohol

and they are too drunk to admit they need to change anything

and literally every serious topic is a joke

please just stop lying to me...