i watched a documentary on netflix yesterday called HOLY HELL and i have to admit it struck a strong resonance with me.
there's one part where they are talking to one of the Buddhafield members and she was crying and just repeating "we trusted you".
and deep inside me i felt this overwhelming sympathy. i know exactly how that feels. when you entrust your whole being to another human. you give them all your love, faith, patience, service, time and energy. and in return they abuse this gift, and they warp it to satisfy their narcissistic megalomania. and you are left feeling empty, hollow and so utterly betrayed.
and the road to recovery is a long one. we all want to be loved and accepted and included so badly, that we allow others to treat us like refuse. we let them take from us to help them feel full, while depleting ourselves. while they full well know there is a hole in their heart and they will never be full.
but they just keep taking until someone finally wakes up.
the KI project im doing at work has me feeling invigorated. it is extremely validating and i feel extremely excited at the prospect of the monetary rewards for saving the company some money in the long term. but most importantly i'm lookin forward to improving the quality of work life. if people were less frustrated with the process i believe they will start working with a higher quality.
or at least my life will be less painful because it will be harder to mess things up because there won't be 2,098,394 places in the transaction to mess it up.
unfortunately, i also have jury duty starting tomorrow. i do not want to get picked. 2 weeks ago i would have loved to have been selected and go thru the whole process, but now i find it much more valueable to be at work and working towards this 30 day deadline.
it helps that the klapper guy is so encouraging. i feel safe to try and be stupid and mess things up, because a boss figure said it was okay. and he's not one of us. which makes me feel like i can trust him.
i have never been happier at work than i am right now. i feel that my skills are finally being valued appropriately and this is my opportunity to finally shine. my year review was better than last years, and i am optimistic this year will be even better. while my life is virtually reduced to a set of numbers, with this new opportunity i almost feel like more than a number.
our year end performance review is drawing nigh and i know mine is going to be dismal. even though i work hard when im at work and am meeting my numbers, since i've had 14 unplanned absencense this year i know it's going to destroy any good that i've got going on.
and the stupidest part is if my doctor would have just filled out my fmla paperwork it wouldn't be an issue. but no, she's a shitty doctor and im being punished for it.
i just want the review to be done so i can get over it, rather than it hanging over my head like the specter of defeat.
im tired of working my ass off and still being told i'm no good.
i don't know if i have had someone feel this strongly about me since jeremiah. mexicans are very passionate people. sometimes i feel like i'm too cynical to fully enjoy how wonderful love can really be. i'm not afraid to get hurt, i think it's more my ability to feel deeply has been somewhat diminished.
i've missed my passion for a long time. i've always wanted to find it again. i used to think that maybe having kids would fill that, but now that having kids is more of a real possibility than ever before, i feel myself getting cold feet. the whole idea terrifies me. it changes things in a very real way and once you have them you can't unhave them. is that really what i want? what do i even want. i haven't really given it much thought. i mean definitely a house, a car, a career, but never more than that. and now i find myself even questioning if these are things i want or just what i feel i should want.
but now i'm almost out of my 20's and things are speeding up. my life is 100% controlled by my work schedule. would having kids be a welcome change of pace? i already just stay at home all the time anyway. what would it really make worse? what would it really make better?
bjorne is snoring. he's so adorable. i love him so much, even if he's a wretched pizza junkie. fatty mcfatteraon. takes after his ma. hahaha
but seriously my look was on point today. i am in love with my urban decay naked basics 2 palette. the matte neutrals just make such a soft and elegant look. understated glamour. i've been wearing this really cool lipstick from portland black lipstick company that i didn't really like at first, but with this palette i feel like i really get this sweet look going. kinda edgy at work but not too in your face. i've really toned down my whole look. i'm not sure how i feel about it. is it because i'm getting older and feel compelled to "act my age" or is it because my tastes are changing.
hard to tell anymore. fuck it. i don't even fuckin care.
It takes people time to learn what's right and wrong, to learn how to be a better person. For some, it takes longer than it does for others. That's what life is. It's a journey. It's you, being put in tons of different types of situations so you can grow and improve and change.
I'm resolving to accept this process. For most of my life I've heald a grudge. A grudge against this person or that person. A grudge against those who I perceived to have slighted me. A grudge against my past, my future, the whole world - the world that wronged me. I am ready to shake that grudge off. I am ready to let go of that deamon, hate, that has been eating me alive for all this time. I don't want to be angry anymore. I want to be happy. I don't want to harbor so much resentment, mostly for people who don't even think of me. I want to embrace the love I feel every day from those who show it. I want to hold onto the good in the world. I may not be the smartest person or the most beautiful person or the richest person or the best mannered person, but I am a great person. I am a good person. And I definitely have the best family in all the world. I have the best support system I could ever have - with a family willing to help me in any way possible every day and wonderful friends that warm me with their company and smiles and hugs everytime I see them. That is love. I know the truth in that love. I feel excited for the prospect of improving. I feel ready to accept this new, interesting challenge and greet it with a heart full of love. I welcome all the joy and laughter, singing and dancing, friendliness and opportunities this new outlook on life will have.
Quickly as a child I learned to be humble and gracious when accepting my achievements. It has taken me a very long time to feel as though I've accomplished anything. But I have. I have a great living space that I can afford by means of a very cool job at a world-impacting company. I have all the world resting at my feet and I cannot wait to see where it will take me :) i treasure this realization very deeply and hope it carries me to a realm of personal understanding and acceptance.
i was listening to let's go crazy today. it made me wonder what if this is heaven? and where ever we came from before was much worse? we just don't know the difference.
tried to bleach some chunks into my hair, but the developer i used wasn't a strong enough level, so it barely did anything. ill redo it in a few days, but i'm upset i damaged it for what is virtually nothing.
all i know is that this four day weekend will taste even better than my bacon dinner. so so so ready to not be at work for a while. it seems like i never get enough time away.
God I love my friends. So so much. Kayla and Anna. Julez and Bill and Nathan. Jessica. Lizzie. Celeste. I just feel so blessed to have people in my life who love me and care about how I'm doing and ask me if I'm alright. This week of all weeks I can say how thankful I am for them.