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fifteen there's still time for you, time to buy and time to lose...

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:: 2004 10 November :: 12.40am
:: Mood: giddy


Take a look at that, Egan graduates! Remember Mr. Smith, World History teacher, 7th grade?

I e-mailed Rick Lyon:

Subject: A question from a fan...

"I had a World History teacher 3 years ago named Reed Smith. Along with an incredible sense of humor and a love for puppets, theatre, and music, he had (and has) an uncanny physical resemblance to you. I was wondering if you were in any way related...? There are just too many coincidences (physical appearance, similiar hobbies: costuming, making lame (but funny) jokes, music, puppets) to leave this question unanswered.

Oh, and I will offically freak out if indeed you two have some connection. That might just be the coolest thing in the entire WORLD.

I look forward to hearing from you,
Melissa (Egan Intermediate School class of '01)"

This would just be too good to be true. Flipping awesome, I say! And I'm almost absofreakinglutely positive that there's some connection...

9 smiles | make my day a little happier


:: 2004 8 November :: 12.44am
:: Mood: exhausted

screenname: marching band is, like, totally taking over your life.
screenname: omigod

And that's from one of the youth group councilors at my church. LOL!


(That means that we beat all of the 1A, 2A, and 3A bands!! Ummm, which means that we beat every band with 100 members or less!)

Oh, and my group for the WLH presentation is awesome. We spent like 4 hours planning our presentation today--and worked for about 30 minutes. Haha!

Oh, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't give me grief about not doing certain things. (i.e. horseback riding lessons, church parties/functions/rehearsals/services, plays, etc.) I'm only one person. I can't do everything. Currently, marching band is my life, and I will do everything possible to spend as much time with my marching band friends while it lasts. I apoloize for my lack of attendance at anything non-marching band related.

4 smiles | make my day a little happier


:: 2004 3 November :: 11.43pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Magnificat

"The arc of history is long, but it bends toward justice." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Today, we'll take a breath. Tomorrow, we'll keep moving toward the America we know is possible." -www.moveonpac.org

3 smiles | make my day a little happier


:: 2004 3 November :: 6.53pm

...and about the election...
We had an awesome hour-long discussion in WLH today about the above topic. Of course, the class is mostly composed of intelligent, liberal individuals, who basically all have the same views on everything. A few of my favorite quotes (not word for word) from the conversation:

"I don't understand why America can't understand that the real importance is in the issues such as the economy, health care, and the war on terror. If people are voting based on "moral values", the majority of people aren't voting for what's best for the country. They aren't thinking about how their vote affects the rest of the world."

"Why is some man in a suit allowed to make decisions regarding a women's right to choose? He'll NEVER have to deal with that issue himself, and just because he personally feels a certain way about it doesn't give him the right to make the decision for all of us."

"I hope he REALLY fucks up, just so the rest of the world can be like, why did I vote for that idiot? Yeah, I just want him to fuck something up really badly, just so people have that realization."

38 smiles | make my day a little happier


:: 2004 3 November :: 4.18pm
:: Mood: anxious

A Girl of Many Lives...
So often am I reminded that I am negatively affected by my nonexistant free time. I didn't do my homework last night because I randomly had a headache, felt dizzy, and proceded to fall asleep on the couch. (This is the second time I've fallen asleep unintentionally while trying to do my homework.) It's a little crazy to think that while most people have 3 classes on Wednesday and (2, 4, and 6) and 3 on Thursday (1, 3, and 5), I have 5 on both Wednesday and Thursday. (0 split between Marching Band and G21, 2, 4, 6) and then (Concert Choir, 1, 3, G21, 5, 7). It's not like I come home and have free time after school, though, either. I have marching band twice a week, one voice lesson a week, horseback riding once a week, church/youth group (of which I'm VP)/church choir on Sundays. (And this is after quitting PYT shows, Girl Scouts, school soccer and volleyball, and CYSA soccer.) I have 0-7, and will have 0-7 next semester.

The thing is, I like my life like this. I wouldn't have it any other way. When marching band season ends (tear!) I'll add oboe and piano lessons to my schedule and take P.E. zero period.

In an ideal world, there'd be 48 hours in every day, and sleep wouldn't be necessary. But, since this is not true, and it majorly SUCKS that I can't devote the time necessary to excell in all of my activities, I've decided that there are a number of different lives I could take on. Each would leave me fulfilled in one area of study.

1. The Academic Life
My mom once told me that a daughter of a friend from work had just been accepted to Stanford. Apparently this daughter spent hours upon hours studying each of her classes every night, never went out on weekends, and was a brilliant scholar. In this life I would excell academically, take 8 ACADEMIC classes a day, (and use my electives for interesting classes such as Art Appreciation and Psychology and Global Connections and whatnot). I wouldn't really have a social life, and my extracurriculars would be minimal. The one or two performing arts classes I would take would be very intellectually oriented. I'd study like a mofo and consiquentually get a 4.0 (or whatever I'd get with the max number of AP classes) and do super well on SATs and SATIIs and AP tests because all I'd ever do is study for them. Hopefully I'd get into a crazy good college and spend my time alone in my dorm studying...as I always did.

2.The Performing Arts/Music Life
In this life I'd shift the focus from academics to music and performing arts. I'd take voice lessons from 2 or 3 different voice teachers (probably one classical/operatic teacher and one broadway style teacher) and take a Music Theory class at Foothill or somewhere on my own time. I'd take oboe and clarinet lessons, and buy a decent clarinet and oboe, and I'd practice at least an hour every day. I'd join something like CYS and spend my time there. I'd make the band/choir rooms my second homes. I'd also devote a lot of time to musical theatre and acting and I'd audition for Broken Box as well as become a regular at PYT. Every moment of free time would be dedicated to an instrument or performance of some time. I'd apply to conservatories and hopefully be accepted to some college with a crazy good music program and become a Music Major, ultimately ending up as an Instrumental Music director at a high school, a professional musician myself, a musical director for a children's theatre, a conductor, or something of that sort.

3. My Life at the Barn
This is where I dedicate my life to horses. I'd own my own horse (or two!) and spend hours after school at the barn every day. I'd probably be a working student at my barn and maybe help teach small lessons. I'd spend an incredible amount of time working with my horse every day and compete at shows almost every weekend. I'd become very close to my barn friends and hang out with them outside of riding. I'd travel a lot for shows and practice cross country. I'd also fork over tons of cash for lessons from a number of trainers and to participate in numerous clinics. I'd be very fit, know a ton about horse care/riding, and be a huge contribution to whatever barn I rode at/for. I'd go to a college with an amazing equestrian team, and board my horse at the college that I attended. I'd probably end up owning my own barn, teaching lessons, training horses, guiding trail rides, or something of that nature.

4. The Life of LAHS Clubs/Organizations
This is where I go club crazy. I'd be an active part of Mock Trial, Speech and Debate, Gay-Straight Alliance, Ruach Club, Christian Club, the "Save the Children" Club, Community Performing Group, Improv Club, Key Club, Safe Rides, Model UN, Class Council, Slam Poetry, and the book club. Every lunch would be spent at one of these clubs and I'd probably be an officer of one or more of them. I'd spend my free time at meetings for S & D, Mock Trial, or MUN, and I'd spend the rest of it brainstorming ideas for fundraisers or attending fundraisers. I'd put a lot of time and effort into the intellectual clubs like Speech and Debate, Mock Trial, and MUN. I'd be a very active member of GSA and Key Club. I'd enjoy the variety of the clubs and the diversity of people in each of them. I'd get into college for community service hours and a diversity of extracurriculars, but probably get into an average-ranked college. I'd have learned a lot about different things, though, and contribute to charitable organizations.

5. The Spiritual/Church Life
For this I'd join many committees for the church, be the President of the youth group. I'd actively help organize church services and spend a lot of time at Bible Study classes. I'd put a lot of effort into singing with the church choir and probably join Starfire. I'd fight for changes that I'd like to make in the church services and make my voice heard. I'd probably reinstate the whole acolyte thing and organize the youth to read the Opening Prayer every sunday. I'd also try to make a Youth Sunday (similar to the laity sunday) where the youth get to plan and run the church services. I'd make our youth group more active and make sure that we do more things for the community.

6. The Social Life
This is where my academics kind of go down the drain but I have a TON of fun! I'd spend like every waking moment with friends and go out every weekend. I'd spend a lot of time shopping and put a lot of effort into my appearance. I'd pribably ask a ton of guys out just for the social expreience of getting to know a lot of different people. I'd invite people over a lot and use the telephone more than a normal person would. I'd hardly ever spend time alone. I'd also be an incredibly caring friend and do a lot to make sure that the people I loved were happy. I'd do special things for people's birthdays and celebrate with them any little achievement. I'd also make sure to help any of my friends who were unhappy and do little things to cheer them up.

If only there was some way to combine ALL of that into once person! If I could do it all, you'd bet I'd do it. I'd also try out for Dance Team (which I might do just for the fun of it anyway) and do a few sports (swimming, gymnastics, soccer, maybe field hockey) for fun. I wish I could!!

Well, that was fun. Now I have to go study for an Algebra II test (I've gotta get all of the extra credit possible or my grade will go down becuase it's still like 102.something%) and 2 French essays. Ugh. OH, and a Chem quiz on Friday. And I have to catch up on MEHAP and finish All Quiet on the Western Front. Fun stuff! Later!

4 smiles | make my day a little happier


:: 2004 31 October :: 7.31pm
:: Mood: hyper and complete
:: Music: "The Way You Make Me Feel" -- M. Jackson

I don't know what I would do without it...
*I know I said I was done updating, but this is too good not to say!*
It being marching band. Somehow, everyone who's ever really commited to marching band will agree. People ask us why we put up with it, that we work too hard and for what? When was the last time someone got a full scholarship to a U.C. because they were a drum major? We do it because we love it, and if you did it you would understand. Competing, even watching, gives you this feeling you can only get from marching band and without it, I'd be nothing...

We had our Live Oak Competition in Salinas, the second one of the season. We did our guard song and across the floors, but Misty wanted to remind us why we're here because we love what we do. So she put on "The Way You Make Me Feel" and did this strut and we had to do the same, then on the way back we were told to do our own sexy walk so, since I was born to strut ;), I had them all hollering and shouting out cat-calls! So much fun, it scarred Katie! I love Katie!!! Anyway, so in we're in Class AAA and also there was Independence and Pasa Robles. Since Independence got sweepstakes, we got 1st!!! WOOT! We ALSO tied Independence for Best General Effect (in our class of course)!!! N-I-C-E!!! I missed Saratoga perform so I didn't get to see Risa perform, but she changed really quickly and found where we were sitting and I got to chat with her for like 30 mins to an hour, so awesome! Not to mention Katie and I decided I'm going to have like, twenty husbands when I grow up and that they are all going to be ex-drum liners ^^ We also had a very interesting shout-down as to whether tenor drums were better than snares, which they are!!! Actually, they're both awesome!!!!

Backing up to Friday, intersectional dinner with Low Brass and Drum Line at Neale's house, we ate pizza and watched Halloween 6 (since the week previous we watched Halloween, I was looking fly since it was HC weekend and I was decked out) and Drum Line. Tiff had Vlad teach her how to play drums and I, in my suttle way *not* flirted with Neale. Lol! Speaking of which, yesterday I'm changing into my uniform and I need someone to zip me and I'm standing with my back to gaurd and the second Carrie stands up to zip me I walk over to Neale and I'm like, "Neale, will you zip me please?" LMAO!!! Katie wouldn't let it go, I seriously had no idea Carrie was getting up to zip me!!! For the rest of the night my convos with Katie ended each topic with:
Me- Too bad I love that too! (replying to Katie saying she liked something)
Katie- I love how you walk past a bunch of girls to get Neale to zip up your uniform!

N-I-C-E Man, I love marching band! I thinking I might do Winter Perc(ussion), don't worry, still doing track no matter what!

OOO! So we come home and this adorable, older bordie collie is in our front yard and so, since I'm nice and all, get something around his collar and go through his five (I mean that literally) tags to find out his address and I took him home. But he got excited b/c he understood what I was doing and took off and I didn't want to yank on his collar so I ran with him, best feeling ever. If I had a big dog that needed excercise, I'd make time to run daily. Too bad I have a cat and love her death, wouldn't trade her for a dog and besides, I tried that excuse for a dog before and it didn't work ^^ heh

And I just carved my pumpkin, wow! So. Much. Fun. And yummmmmm! Pumpkin seeds.... YUMMMMMMMMMM

make my day a little happier


:: 2004 29 October :: 9.04pm

It's really quite dissapointing to think about the millions of people who haven't experienced the joy of playing an instrument. Ah well, sucks for them!

Since I joined Symphonic Band at the quarter, I've been playing a semi-crappy (okay, REALLY crappy) student model that I loaned from a friend. (I shouldn't be complaining, because if it weren't for her I wouldn't have had anything to play for the past 2 weeks.) But anyway, I also bought a reed from West Valley at the last second to tide me over.

Bad. Baaaad.

I was freaking out that my embouchure had been completely lost and that I was an oboe FAILURE, until just now.


Quite a change from the brand-less, crappy West Valley thing I was trying to play on.

Next time Mr. Ferrucci gestures me to play the oboe solo, (as I'm the only oboe in Symphonic band...:-P) he'd better watch out--I'LL ACTUALLY PLAY IT WELL!

Happy happy! And I think I did okay on the chem test! WHOO!!

I'd better get some hw done before Fresh Choice with the sax's/trumpets. I doubt there'll be more than like 8 ppl there. Kinda sad, but why do intersectional bonding THIS weekend? Everyone's busy up the wazoo!

make my day a little happier


:: 2004 27 October :: 11.59pm
:: Music: take me out to the ball game!


GO RED SOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3 smiles | make my day a little happier


:: 2004 27 October :: 3.32pm
:: Mood: pensive

Wow, I have A LOT to update on!
I'll probably forget a few major things in this entry. Oh well. If there's anything obvious left out, comment and I'll add it.

Homecoming Week:
Extremely stressful. I came home from school on Monday, layed down on my bed, and cried. It was rather pathetic, but it was all I could do. I was just that depressed and stressed. (Gotta love how those two adjectives rhyme!) Was like crying at my voice lesson (much to the confusion of my voice teacher) and pretty much had a shitty day. And yes, I DID fail the Chem test. (But yeah, so did a lot of other people, so I don't feel like such an idiot.) The week in general was just excrutiatingly slow. It seemed like every day stretched on and on and every evening took forever to be over. By Friday, though, things were better and I enjoyed missing WLH and Chem for marching band...: )

Homecoming Game/Dance:
We had the longest, most serious marching band rehearsal EVER on Saturday before the game. I was so fried mentally from the week that I just totally lost it in rehearsal. We did music for like an hour and a half (standing...in the cold...with annoying, nitpicky musicians correcting like EVERY LITTLE PHRASE!!) By the time we started marching, half of us were ready to kill some of the staff coughgabicough and the other half were just like freezing and unhappy. Well, that's the sense that I got, at least. We started cleaning everything in drill so then we got yelled at for our music 'dropping in intensity.' Yeah whatever. These music people are hired becuase of their MUSICAL TALENT, not marching. I don't even think they KNOW how hard it is to march well AND play such nitpicky crap in our music. Whatever. My best moment was during a run-thru of Stained Glass where I just totally had a brain fart and marched like random places (no joke) at the very end. I'm like the front of the line (Howdy should be, but he's out of commission cuz of mono) and MY ENTIRE LINE FOLLOWED ME!! It was hilarious! We end and I look back and Vanity's looking at me like 'what the hell?!' and Lane just starts cracking up. It was so great. I felt like such an idiot. : P I did the same thing for like 2 measures in NCD, but luckily* (edited because of Molly's brilliance) I found my place really quickly. Lord, that's so scary. Like suddenly you don't know where the hell to go and NOTHING looks familiar. It's so freaky! I was sincerely afraid that I'd have a brain fart during the halftime show.

Went to In & Out (thank God!) for lunch. It was so great to get out of there.

Was extremely tired during the football game. Didn't do much. Hey, at least we won. It wasn't a great game, but whatever. Everyone like LEFT (including HC Court, HOW RUDE!!) and didn't watch our post game show. I didn't screw that up either! Yay!

Then I like came home and practically fell asleep. But then...

off to Mer's! Whoo! It was so much fun getting ready with all the girls! SOOO much better than going out to dinner with ppl and their dates. We had a blast!

Homecoming dance was so-so. Good, but not great, yknow? I won't go into all of the details, but a lot of time was wasted standing in line for pictures (those people are sooo annoying! first telling us to come back at 9:30 for a group photo, then 10:00...) and such. Some people were like really not into dancing either. I feel like whenever I go to a dance I have to like FORCE people to dance. Is it not called a 'DANCE' for a reason? YOU GO TO ONE TO DANCE, OKAY? I think it's lame to sit outside and talk when you bought a bid to a HOMECOMING DANCE. It's not a homecoming-sit-around-and-talk-in-a-dress. Gahh! All in all, it was okay, and I'm glad I didn't have a date. Maybe for Winter Formal...who knows.

We had to sing in church too, which was UGLY (as it always is.) The youth stuff for the children's sermon (yay Andrew!) and the Gospel (yay Annie, Kyle, Courtney, Ruthie, and Andrew!) went really well. I mustered up some enthusiasm for the sermon and apparently it came off REALLY REALLY well! Sooo many people complimented us on the message we put forth and how well we presented it. So many touching stories from people! Maggie (associate pastor) sent us a nice e-mail and so did Bob (ex-pastor). We also got a card from someone and another person called us. I'm really, REALLY happy it went over so well! I had no idea it was going to be that sucessful! Very happy about it! *Molly and Nicole surprised me by showing up to watch me!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!! That was so awesome of you!! <3

Pit/Clarinet/Sax Party and Flocking:
Had a good time with the pit/clarinets/sax's. We watched Office Space, but I had to leave early...hehehe. I was called at the last second to flock Jeff's house (where the dinner thing was being held) so I had to leave to come back and flock. Pretty darn awesome. So it's me, Marissa, Alan, and Gabi. Awesome group to flock with in the first place. So we're bringing out the sign, and Scott (Jeff's brother, who was at the house for some reason) totally walks out and catches us. He reads the sign and is like, "So, what does it mean to be flocked by the lahs marching band, anyway?" LOL!! We told him not to tell anyone and go back inside. So then I'm like RIGHT in the front of the yard, sticking a flamingo into the ground, and JEFF DRIVES UP!! He gets out, looks at me (i'm like cracking up) and walks into the house. He then comes back out to say 'Hi' to all of us. LOL!! 2 PEOPLE CAUGHT US!! It was pretty darn great.

Recent Events:
1) I'm really sorry that this one thing had to happen. It actually makes me kinda sad even though I have nothing to do with it and am involved in no way. *sigh*

2) I definitely need to explore this further, but I REALLY want to figure out if he's really just using me. I trust him, my mom trusts him, but I could really see it if all he wanted to do was take advantage of me. It just doesn't seem like he'd be that kind of person, but that's what a lot of my friends think, and I'm starting to be convinced myself. On the one hand, yeah, it's kinda pathetic. Why would he even talk to me? But on the other hand, it's been like over a year, probably a year and a half, and he STILL talks to me. If he just wanted to take advantage of me, wouldn't he have just given up by now, seeing as it's obviously not gonna happen? I really don't know. I'm going to continue to talk to people about it.

3) My mom got in touch with my ex-oboe teacher and now I'm going to get to rent an oboe from Forrests!! WHOOO!! It's going to be either a Yamaha or a Fox, intermediate make, full conservatory system. : D Yess!! I don't think I deserve this for the amount of money it's going to cost to rent one of these, but oh well. The oboe I'm playing on now is kind of crap. I also get reeds! And a tuner (cuz I wanted one...)! I'm going to get the new/nice used oboe for my birthday, becuase renting one is for a min. of 3 months. Happy! I'll start oboe lessons again with Pam after New Year's.

Quarter Grades:
I'm not really sure why I'm posting these, but other people do, so whatever.

0 Girls 21: A- Student is Improving
0 PE Band Soph: A Cit: O W/H:* O Student doing excellent work
1 Alg II: A+ (let's hope so...)
2 European History AP: A (how the HELL did I get an A?! it's gotta be like from the essay alone because my work is crap in that class and i know like NOTHING)
3 Chorale: A- Student is improving
PE 1Q: A Cit: O Student doing excellent work
5 French III: B+ (not sure how I eeked that one out!)
6 World Lit H: A- student doing excellent work (umm, I had an A on the print out she gave us...where did the - come from?)
7 Chemistry B Cit: O (I hate this class! Gahhh!! I'd better figure out how to raise it this quarter...)
8 Concert Choir A-

Total GPA (non-weighted) 3.78
Total GPA (weighted, counting the AP as a 5 and the extracurriculars) 3.89

*What the hell does W/H stand for? "O" for citizenship means 'outstanding'-- is W/H different?

Not too bad. I'm gonna try super hard to raise the Chem grade to an A-. I'm not even going to try for an A- in French. It's just not gonna happen. Youatt's not gonna change anytime soon. I'm hoping the MEHAP grade stays the same at the semester...I really didn't deserve an A when he gave random people like Bs and B+s.

Well, I THINK that's all for now. <3!

10 smiles | make my day a little happier


:: 2004 26 October :: 12.27am

Why can't life just be good... and you know, stay that way for a little while.

12 smiles | make my day a little happier


:: 2004 25 October :: 10.41pm
:: Mood: drained

Ummm...so my profile says that this is updated. See, I planned to update, but then I got sidetracked.

And I have a bitchload of chem to do. This is not good.

Hope you enjoyed the update! Later! : P

make my day a little happier


:: 2004 20 October :: 8.26pm
:: Music: Esurientes- Magnificat

Molly: the girl who's voice topples water bottles (<3 Sara)
Mr. Shaull has had me stay for Girls' Ensemble (since I now have fourth period "free") for the last two days. Oh he also had me sing that high note (by myself!) above everyone in Girls 21 this morning! Anyway, yesterday, I warmed up in front of everyone and then sang the Et misericordia (sp? Ha, you'd think I'd know) solo. I also helped the sopranos with their line and sang the solo above everyone. I did alright except for the fact that I am completely incapable of mixing or bringing like ANY color to my chest voice. Ha. Today, Danika and Lindsey were there too, so they sang before I did. I worked on the "high parts" of the same solo as Tuesday. It was great because he now totally thinks I can't handle low notes at all. ANYWAY, I had to hit that high A like a zillion times because he wanted me to break glass and... I wasn’t... We also concluded that my biggest need above everything was to take a chance. Sigh. Oh well. It is good for me to be doing this I guess... builds character. Haha, Kristen Bailey sang alone for a little bit also. Mr. Shaull did one of his exaggerated imitations of her faults (for her it was trapping her sound in her throat etc.) and he made this funky sound. So she is like “Is that what I sound like?” and he is like “Well, yeah.” And she’s like “Ewww.” HAHAHA. So funny. Aaaah freshmen. Anyway, we’ll see about singing. I’m alternating feeling good and not-so-good about my voice. Oh well, just got to keep on keeping on.

On a different note (HAHA, I made a pun!) GO RED SOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I am officially finished! Goodnight ladies and gentlemen!

2 smiles | make my day a little happier


:: 2004 20 October :: 8.26pm
:: Mood: um... okay
:: Music: "How Far" Martina McBride

How far do I have to go?
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away

I tried to change, but I don't care anymore. I'm going to continue DBT and working on my impulsiveness but if you all don't want to see my change, so be it. This isn't about my ego, or being mature, it's about dealing with life. So I'm done with my woohu, I'll still come to see how Mel's doing but otherwise I'm done. Call me overdramatic if you want, I would ^^

"How far?" by Martina McBride
(watch the music video at http://www.cmt.com/artists/az/mcbride_martina/artist.jhtml?_requestid=357533 )

There's a boat, I could sail away
There's the sky, I could catch a plane
There's a train, there's the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh, never come back

There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh, when's it gonna end

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far

There's a chance I could change my mind
But I won't, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what's it gonna be

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far

Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say
Yeah I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
How far

2 smiles | make my day a little happier


:: 2004 20 October :: 12.17am

GO RED SOX!!!!!!!

Oh man, I am sleepy. Good night world!

2 smiles | make my day a little happier


:: 2004 18 October :: 11.52pm

Oh, so many things...

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:: 2004 18 October :: 10.26pm
:: Mood: lost

It's been a looong day...
Derek has a lot of hot asian friends, Adam being one of them, but damn! With the risk of sounding soooo uber racist, I'm generally not attracted to asian guys but D-A-M-N!

Lol, just had to say that ^^ But I want to know how I did on the chem test!! It can make or break my chem grade! I'm screwed in... everything lol

Okay, so unlike last year's Girl's Ensemble, in Chorale we had personal one-on-one meetings with Shaull to discuss our grades and what we thought we deserved. So I go out and I tell him how I feel my voice has a tendency to crack even in my middle range so he makes me sing. Gives me the sibling talk for the millionth time and then tells me I can be just as good, maybe a bigger contribution to the singing program, as Dare Bear. WOOT! Then he said I have a "big voice" and "big talent" I just need to apply them to when I sing second soprano in Girl's 21... heh... biznatch! ANYWAY! So then he said he's going to find me someone to study voice with, HAH! That's likely, just like he'll actually be there when he schedules after school singing sessions LMAO!

Went to DBT today... that was... interesting to say the least. So far, all I got out of it is the true meaning of antisocial and a good idea for a poem. If it works out then I'll use it for The Slam this year. The main theme is that I'm lost, unsure, in a state of cognitive confusion because I'm really just what everyone wants me to be and I've lost what I want. That my thoughts are really not mine, but someone else's and I don't know what mine are anymore. This is a product of taking the PSAT and putting linguistics as my future major instead of something pertaining to animals. The reason I was so entranced with Big Cat Diaries on Sunday was because it reminded me of what I dreamed of doing when I was little... *sigh*

make my day a little happier


:: 2004 18 October :: 3.51pm
:: Mood: crushed

How many tears is it going to take before I realize that I need to change my life?

I finally broke down today and cried. I still have at least 20 minutues of good hard sobbing to do before the stressed/unhappy chemicals leak their way out of my system. At least I know what the problem is.

I'm trying to do too much and I expect myself to do exceptionally in everything. Why? Now that's a tough question to answer.

Mrs. Passallo informed me today that I'm going to have to drop SOMETHING in order to make time for my academics. It's okay now, but it'll have to change.

Unless I want to go to NYU or something.

Hrm. Do I?

And then sometimes I just sit and think, this is absurd. I'm 15 and I'm supposed to be making choices about my life and my career? I'm supposed to be managing my time in a way that most supports my future? I have an entire decade until I've completed A QUARTER of my life. What kind of society do we live in where we have to make choices like this NOW?!

16 smiles | make my day a little happier


:: 2004 16 October :: 8.47pm

Okay, new goal: study harder and do better in school.

As much as I thought I valued my social life over anything high school has to teach me in the way of academic substance, I miss being somewhat of a teacher's pet. In elementary school and junior high, it was a known fact that many of my teachers liked me. That wasn't the case last year as much. I want to change that.

And I'm going to start now by studying my brains out. Toodles!

2 smiles | make my day a little happier


:: 2004 14 October :: 8.26pm

Yeah Okay, This Is Kinda Lame...
I'm not fishing for comments, really...

I've been stressed out of my mind recently. It seems like the more I think about life as a whole, the more it freaks me out, and when I'm thinking about life and not schoolwork, EVERYTHING freaks me out.

*panic attack/stress mode*

I'm better now, though. Awesome marching band rehearsal this afternoon. WE HAVE NOW LEARNED OUR ENTIRE SHOW!! WHOO!! I love you, marching band!

Totally met a cool person in Concert Choir today. I've actually been relatively good! I haven't thought about him toooo much! :0D (I guess only a select few will understand that, but whatever. The 'he' is no one from LAHS or anything, so chill out if need be.)

I love people. Yay for people!

Alright, now for the lame part...

What Would You do if...
--I cried:
--I said I liked you:
--I kissed you:
--I was hospitalized:
--I got dumped:
--I pissed you off:
--I was in a wreck:

What Do You Think Of My...

Would You...
--Be my friend:
--Tell me the truth no matter what:
--Lie to make me feel better:
--Keep a secret if I told you one:
--Hold my hand:
--Love me:
--Date me:

--Who are you, what's our relationship:
--How and where did we meet:
--What's my middle name:
--How long have you known me:
--Tell me one good thing about myself:
--When you first saw me what was your impression:
--Tell me one bad thing about myelf:
--Have you ever had a crush on me:
--Describe me in 3 words:
--Do you think I'm good looking:
--How would you describe me to someone:
--Tell me one thing you've always wanted to say but never did:
--What do you like most about me:
--What reminds you of me? :

--What song (if any) reminds you of me? :
--If you could change one thing about me, what would it be? :
--Do I cross your mind at least once a day?:

7 smiles | make my day a little happier


:: 2004 12 October :: 9.46pm
:: Mood: pissed

kill. me.
.... I.Hate.People.

I. Hate. My. Brothers.

I. Hate. Bill.

I. Hate. My. Mom.

I. Hate. My. Family.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY F-ING MADE A CALENDAR OF MY PERIOD AND PMS?!?!?!?! WTFH?!?!?!? I feel like shit and I throw up and swallow before I expell it from my mouth and they say, "it's just pms, it's all in your mind." I WANT TO SCREAM!

1 smile | make my day a little happier

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