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shroudofrain

:: 2018 17 July :: 9.57pm

I Kind of Hate Being a Dad
Kinda weird to read, right?

Weirder to write.

Don't get me wrong here, it's not that I hate my kids, that's farther from the truth.
I hate being a dad.

I have four kids, and I guess the term is "stair-step"?
They are 5, 4, 3, and 5 months at the time of me writing this, and it's hard to imagine life without them.

I have this tendency, though, to not get the best of my emotions... and sometimes those emotions drive.
I'll yell about stupid stuff like cleaning their room, I'll punish them for having an attitude or talking back; it drives me crazy when they ignore what I'm telling them or when I'm trying to get their attention.

All this time, I fail to remember that they are 5, 4, and 3 (the 5 month old doesn't know that part of me yet, or at least has not been on the receiving end).

I sent my kids to bed tonight angry because they weren't going to sleep... again, failing to remember that they are 5, 4, and 3.
I yelled. They cried. I yelled some more; they went to sleep, and I feel like trash.
So I did what every parent does then they want to figure out why they are such a sucky parent: I Googled "why am I angry all the time?"

What I found shocked me.

An article popped up that caught my eye: Irritable Depression: When Sadness Feels Like Anger (I'll leave a link at the end).

What I read took me off guard. I am angry, and on a hair-line trigger in my home... because I'm depressed.
I'm depressed that I didn't think I'd be at this point in my life -married five years with four kids at 29.
I'm depressed that I'm not where I saw myself being ten years ago -holding a steady and well-paying career, with maybe a kid or two. I'm depressed that I have a beer gut and barely drink beer. I'm depressed that I feel like my four kids hate me... and I hate that.

James 1:19 - "So then, my friends, let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."

Ephesians 6:4 - "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but raise them and train them in admonition of the Lord."

It is clear in scripture that God does not want us to let anger control our actions. We should have control over what we do, and when we say we love God, our actions should reflect that confession of faith; when any emotion is taking the helm of our actions -whether it be anger, sadness, anything like that- it's not a good thing.
It is also clear that it is hard to understand the character of God that is defined as a Father, until you become a father yourself.

We, as God's children, do things we know we shouldn't do over and over again -a lot of the time the same exact thing, over... and over again. It's one thing to experience this dynamic when you are the one constantly needing mercy and grace... but when you're the one who has to constantly give it, we find far too often that we are like that servant to the king in one of Jesus' parables where the servant owed the king an unplayable debt, but the king showed mercy and grace by obsolving the debt, but when the servant was the one collecting a debt, he showed no grace, no mercy, and in fact was angry and sinned.

As I'm writing this I feel like crap for being this way to my children.

What I have done is let my emotions get the better of me and control me; what I have done is not show the character of God to my children very well.
What I have done, is sinned: against my children, and against God.

I said I hate being a dad, and in a way I do.

I hate that my actions are being observed and absorbed constantly by carbon-based copies of myself.

I hate that I have to teach things like saying "please" and "thank you" all the while wonder where they got the concept of "mine" and "no."

I hate that being a dad is so hard.

And not that I abhor hard work, but being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

I love my kids, though.
I hug them when they are hurt.
I give them morning tickles, every morning.
I make them coffee at church.
I comb and brush their hair.
I get sad when I have to go to work and give them a hug goodbye.
I get so happy to hear "DADDY!!!" when I first step out of my car getting back from work.
I love reading the Bible to my children every night.
I love getting pictures of the silly stuff my wife and kids do at home while I'm gone.

I could not imagine my life without my children.
I'd be sad if they were gone. I'm sad when they go to grandpa's for a weekend.

I say I kind of hate being a dad, but what I really mean by that is that it hurts being a dad. It hurts a lot: it requires so much of you, for so long.
It's stressful.
It's repetitive.
It's chaotic.
It's got high heights and low lows.
It's manic.
It's lonely.
It's depressing.
It hurts... bad.

But.... it's so worth it.

Tomorrow I'm going to make things right; expect an update.



https://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/mood-disorders/irritable-depression-when-sadness-feels-like-anger/amp/


aerii

:: 2010 4 November :: 2.09pm

Thanks for coming to my birthday Mamelia and Sus!

1 . | .


aerii

:: 2010 7 September :: 8.29pm

"The saddest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you."

.


aerii

:: 2010 15 August :: 10.33pm

If i knew then whats so obvious now, you'd still be here.

.


aerii

:: 2010 29 May :: 12.59am

im sick of this pointless drama shit.
Don't tell me how to live my life, and that I need to get my shit together.
What shit do i have that's out of order?

God damn it.
punks.

.


aerii

:: 2010 26 April :: 2.51pm

Working on a kickass summer playlist.
This summer is looking better and better.
Now I just have to finish school and kick biology's ass so I can really enjoy my break.

.


aerii

:: 2010 21 April :: 7.40pm

This is the definition of my life
Lying in bed in the sunlight
Choking on the vitamin tablet
The doctor gave in the hope of saving me
In the hope of saving me

Walked in the corner of the room
A junk yard fool with eyes of gloom
I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain, the rain
The rain, the rain, the rain now

Dusty brown boots in the corner
By the ironing board
Spray on dust is the greatest thing
Sure is the greatest thing
Since the last, since the last

Walked in the corner of the room
A junk yard fool with eyes of gloom
I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain, the rain
The rain, the rain, the rain now

I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
The rain, the rain, the rain now

If there's something inside that you want to say
Say it out loud, it'll be okay
I will be alright
I will be alright
I will be alright
I will be alright

I need love
I need love

.


aerii

:: 2010 21 April :: 3.13pm

too much death this year.

.


aerii

:: 2010 13 January :: 8.54pm

Lets move to Norway!

1 . | .


aerii

:: 2010 12 January :: 9.54pm

You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired. You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you didn't even have a name for

.


aerii

:: 2009 28 December :: 12.05am

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

.


aerii

:: 2009 15 November :: 6.53pm

staring down an empty highway with a million possibilities.

.


aerii

:: 2009 26 August :: 1.18pm

"All the time we spent in bed, counting miles before we said, fall in love and fall apart, things will end before they start."

.


aerii

:: 2009 3 August :: 11.17pm

"Sometimes a kind of glory lights up the mind of a man. It happens to nearly everyone. You can feel it growing or preparing like a fuse burning toward dynamite. It is a feeling in the stomach, a delight of the nerves, of the forearms. The skin tastes the air, and every deep-drawn breath is sweet. Its beginning has the pleasure of a great stretching yawn; it flashes in the brain and the whole world glows outside your eyes. A man may have lived all his life in the gray, and the land and trees of him dark and somber. The events, even the important ones, may have trooped by faceless and pale. And then - the glory - so that a cricket song sweetens the ears, the smell of the earth rises chanting to his nose, and dappling light under a tree blesses his eyes. Then a man pours outward, a torrent of him, and yet he is not diminished..."

.


aerii

:: 2009 1 June :: 9.18pm

Fuck allergies.

Seriously.
They make me so not happy.

.


aerii

:: 2009 30 May :: 1.30pm

It smells so good outside today.

.


aerii

:: 2009 10 May :: 10.07pm

"Be careful if you choose not to share your annoyance with someone today, because a minor irritation could fester and turn into a more serious problem. But you must be equally cautious if you decide to talk about your current frustration. You could inadvertently make the matter worse if you place blame on a friend or partner. You can minimize your discomfort by expressing your feelings without making any unfair judgments."

So I should just let it be?


Gah. Life is so stupid.
I just want to sleep.

.


aerii

:: 2009 27 April :: 6.09am

"Remember, remember. This is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I've taken for granted."

.


aerii

:: 2009 25 April :: 4.17pm

It felt like we were a family.
And nothing else mattered in that moment.

.


aerii

:: 2009 24 April :: 7.46am

Death Cab and Cold War Kids tonight.
For free.

:D

1 . | .


aerii

:: 2009 14 April :: 11.43pm

Seattle in two weeks.

:D

I need this.

.


aerii

:: 2009 11 April :: 4.28pm

Fuck you.

I'm so close to being done with it.

2 . | .


aerii

:: 2009 9 April :: 10.18pm

I could make you satisfied in everything you do
All your secret wishes could right now be coming true
And be forever with my poison arms around you
No one's gonna fool around with us

.


aerii

:: 2009 5 April :: 2.24am

I want new hair.

blahhh, i'm tired of what I got going on up there.

any idears?

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aerii

:: 2009 18 March :: 4.20pm

Shit's crazy exciting.

[edit 10:18pm]

I hate studying.
I want to go on a road trip.
And I screwed up my schedule...again.

.


aerii

:: 2009 18 March :: 12.17am

Oh Sabrina...

What cheeky antics.

.


aerii

:: 2009 24 February :: 8.48pm

First windows down day.
Good stuff.

.


aerii

:: 2009 8 February :: 2.32pm

That's honestly the lamest excuse I've ever heard.

1 . | .


aerii

:: 2009 7 February :: 10.55pm

holy jesus fucking shit fuck.

LSDJFOWEJRLSKDJFOSDIjflskdfjoSDF
LJSOdifjoaskdfjlasdkfjlsdkfjsoafiejaslkdf

I think I pee'd a little...

Oh my god, today might be the best day of my life.

5 . | .


aerii

:: 2009 5 February :: 4.40pm

Uh
I found 20 dolla.

stokage.

1 . | .

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