home | profile | guestbook


to love is to be real

recent entries | past entries


shroudofrain

:: 2012 20 March :: 2.43pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: Everything Good by Ashes Remain

So, got some idea where I'll be going in a few years... don't know exactly when, but maybe starting building contacts in December....
Russia. I feel God is leading my wife and I to Tula, Russia to minister to others.
From the ministries I've heard of that have gone on in Russia, I've heard that most of them, the missionaries don't live among the people... they either build up walls around their house or their lives to protect them from everyone else outside of them... and that doesn't come off as something right or good to a culture that is heavily relational and personal.

My intention is Russia be the headquarters of all the missions that Chelsea and I want to do: See a need in a place we end up in, meet that need among the community, leave the ministry to a Timothy, and move to another place when we feel we are felt let to move.

Tula is a very cultural area in Russia, you get heavy WWII history on Russia's part (they were the ones making all the guns and ammo for the Russian army at the time, and helped fend off an attack headed toward Moscow). Other than that, it's kind of the meltingpot of a lot of culturs that will be very interesting to experiance, and plus you can hop a train or tram, and a half an hour to two hours -or so- you're in an area that needs help, or really anywhere in the western half of Russia.

Chelsea and I are so excited to start this ministry work through our pastor's orginization -Open Arms International Ministries (OAIM); spreading the love and self-worth of Jesus Christ to those who are looking for more in life, and needs due to them because they are human (food, shelter, human relationship, and love).

I love what we are being called to do, and I want so much to get started. Chelsea and I have the Youth to work on within our church, but I believe that's the stepping-stone to get our orginization fine-tuned and under our belt in experiance and such so that when we do go halfway around the world, we can be reliable, dependable, responsible, and effective when we do have greater responsibility on our shoulders.

Those who are reading this, please keep my wife and I in your thoughts and prayers as we travel and just love people, here in the states and elsewhere.

.


shroudofrain

:: 2011 9 November :: 10.51am

Sucks when you know you dreamt, and you rack your brain trying to remember what it was about; you don't even know bits and pieces... Then all of the sudden, latter on in the day, you remember every single bit of the dream... And it was nothing you ever wanted to remember.

.


shroudofrain

:: 2011 13 July :: 11.47am

Am I really a toxic person in your eyes because I told you embarrising and regretable actions that I am now trying to reconcile?
Am I really not worth your friendship because I've made mistakes in my life and I recognize them?
Am I really worth being dropped in probably one of the most emotionally unstable, intimidating, and uncompromising periods of my life?

Thank you... for not being there when I need you the most.

1 . | .


shroudofrain

:: 2011 13 May :: 4.04pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: I Will Follow by Chris Tomlin

This is my anthem
I'm making strides to You. I'm doing the best I can to be the best that You want me to be. I'm not letting my choices decide where I go in life... that's the desires of my heart and Your job, now.
Proverbs 16:3 "Commit your activities to the Lord, and your plans will be achieved." Finally I see that ALL my plans may not be Yours, but when I seek you; when I commit everything I do... when I trust in you alone, it will be through You that my plans become achieved.
You are awesome and powerful... beautiful and just.
It's in your name I praise, Jesus. Amen.

.


shroudofrain

:: 2011 11 May :: 12.13pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Anna Molly (Acoustic) by Incubus

It's been a few days:
I'll be better, I know I will. I just need to focus on God and on myself. I don't feel great about my decision, but I know that it was the best decision I have ever made in a long time.
Just need lots of prayer.

.


shroudofrain

:: 2011 5 May :: 11.33pm

Are my desires of my heart paving my future, or are my choices?

4 . | .


shroudofrain

:: 2011 20 April :: 11.44pm

Radical by David Platt
"We are not saved from our sins because Jesus was falsely tried by Jewish and Roman officials and sentenced by Pilate to die. Neither are we saved because Roman persecutors thrust nails into the hands and feet of Christ... All God's holy wrath and hatred toward sin and sinners, stored up since the beginning of the world, was poured out on Jesus... This is the gospel."

I paraphrased his words, and sorta ran them together a little bit... but damn it he's right: We are not saved from our sins because of what Jesus did on the cross, we are saved because of what he took on our behalf. God's anger and wrath and just judgment was poured onto Jesus in that moment, and that's what saved us, because Jesus Became sin; moreover, that is why God turned his back from Jesus. David Platt can say it better than I.

"Picture Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane. As he kneels before his Father, drops of sweat and blood fall together from his head. Why is he in such agony and pain? The answer is not because he is afraid of the crucifixion. He is not trembling because of what the Roman soldiers are about to do to him.
"Since that day, countless men and women in the history of Christianity have died for their faith. Some of them were not just hung on a cross; they were burned there. Many of them went to their crosses singing.
"One Christian in India, while being skinned alive, looked at his persecutors and said, 'I thank you for this. Tear off my old garment, for I will soon put on Christ's garment of righteousness.'
"As he prepared to head to his execution, Christopher Love wrote a note to his wife, saying, 'Today they will sever me from my physical head, but they cannot sever me from my spiritual head, Christ.' As he walked to his death, his wife applauded while he sang of glory.
"Did these men and women in Christian history have more courage than Christ himself? why was he trembling in that garden, weeping and full of anguish? We can rest assured that he was not a coward... Instead he was a savior about to endure divine wrath.
"Listen to his words: 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.' The 'cup' is not a reference to a wooden cross; it is a reference to divine judgment. It is the cup of God's wrath. This is what Jesus is recoiling from in the garden...
"What happened at the cross was not primarily about nails being thrust into Jesus' hands and feet but about the wrath due your sin and my sin being thrust upon his soul. In that holy moment, all the righteous wrath and justice of God due us came rushing down like a torrent on Christ himself. Some say, 'God looked down and could not bear to see the suffering that the soldiers were inflicting on Jesus, so he turned away.' But this is not true. God turned away because he could not beat to see your sin and my sin on his Son."

Wow... Changes everything doesn't it?

This Easter, really think about what it means to be forgiven... and what it really means to be saved from sin and death.
This Easter, question your salvation in the sense to test it, tried and true.
This Easter..... really know what it means to be a Christian, take up your cross, and do something.

.


shroudofrain

:: 2011 6 January :: 12.52am

I've made a lot of changes: in belief, mindset, mentality, and passion.

The point of faith is not the war, but about the hearts, minds, and lives of the people around you; to help others any way you can -and not because you should, but because you want to.

Love is what holds everything together. God has sent His son, Jesus, to die for our sins not to win a battle, but to show His love for us.

The resurrection is just as much for us as the death was.

My passion should not be to rally troops, to fight a war, or to defeat the enemy... that's God's job, and he already has that covered. My passion should be to help the community around me, to show just how much God loves each and every one of us, and to show everyone that there is value in them. You can throw, step on, spit on, smash, and run over a gold brick, but at the end of the day the gold brick is still worth $1500 an ounce (give or take based on the price that day).

Reading past entries... I don't know who reads this any more; I don't even know if I'm talking to anyone but myself, but I just want to say for whoever this may concern: I am sorry for how I have treated all of you through my belligerent faith of Spiritual Warfare. It's not a right thing to be offensive for God, and I realize that now. My drive is to break down those types of walls... because I see that in the past I was no better than any other judgmental Christian out there that doesn't give the rest of the world any sort of grace shown to them; I will work to change that. Jesus said that the greatest commandment was to "love your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself," and I look to take that so much to heart it becomes second nature.

I am not the same -it's almost like a breath of fresh air.

4 . | .


aerii

:: 2010 4 November :: 2.09pm

Thanks for coming to my birthday Mamelia and Sus!

1 . | .


aerii

:: 2010 7 September :: 8.29pm

"The saddest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you."

.


aerii

:: 2010 15 August :: 10.33pm

If i knew then whats so obvious now, you'd still be here.

.


aerii

:: 2010 29 May :: 12.59am

im sick of this pointless drama shit.
Don't tell me how to live my life, and that I need to get my shit together.
What shit do i have that's out of order?

God damn it.
punks.

.


aerii

:: 2010 26 April :: 2.51pm

Working on a kickass summer playlist.
This summer is looking better and better.
Now I just have to finish school and kick biology's ass so I can really enjoy my break.

.


aerii

:: 2010 21 April :: 7.40pm

This is the definition of my life
Lying in bed in the sunlight
Choking on the vitamin tablet
The doctor gave in the hope of saving me
In the hope of saving me

Walked in the corner of the room
A junk yard fool with eyes of gloom
I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain, the rain
The rain, the rain, the rain now

Dusty brown boots in the corner
By the ironing board
Spray on dust is the greatest thing
Sure is the greatest thing
Since the last, since the last

Walked in the corner of the room
A junk yard fool with eyes of gloom
I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain, the rain
The rain, the rain, the rain now

I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
The rain, the rain, the rain now

If there's something inside that you want to say
Say it out loud, it'll be okay
I will be alright
I will be alright
I will be alright
I will be alright

I need love
I need love

.


aerii

:: 2010 21 April :: 3.13pm

too much death this year.

.


aerii

:: 2010 13 January :: 8.54pm

Lets move to Norway!

1 . | .


aerii

:: 2010 12 January :: 9.54pm

You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired. You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you didn't even have a name for

.


aerii

:: 2009 28 December :: 12.05am

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

.


aerii

:: 2009 15 November :: 6.53pm

staring down an empty highway with a million possibilities.

.


shroudofrain

:: 2009 31 August :: 11.31am

What can be said? What can be told that hasn't already been uttered before for the sake of knowing that things aren't right, and that change, nay... revolution must commence for the sake of love, mystery, and fellowship?
Government promises change, individuals promise change, yet no one offers revolution, because it's too drastic.
Things are getting complicated now in this day, lines are being blurred, and even hard truth is being pulled into question every single day about things that we once strongly believed to be true and right and fair.
Don't get me wrong, however: Questioning is something needed and should be accepted by any sex of religion, organization, and government, but when the questions begin to loose their humility, when the questions begin to be less and less raw, and more and more about trying to prove a statement wrong that you are either tired of or you don't think is right, then what is the point of questioning if it's only for selfish gain? How does it better anyone else but the questioning individual, and as a matter of fact I wouldn't even call what the person is doing a questioning individual. I'd go as far as to title them a demon, because all they are doing is making others doubt so that they loose sight of what is true and right, to see a view that really only the individual believes is right just because it looks good and it's different from the other view that they don't even understand why they don't like in the first place. Because it doesn't make sense? That's a cop-out, and here's why:
In school, if something didn't make sense, you would question the teacher, right? If your parents say something that doesn't sound right or they say something that you don't understand, what do you do? Just say "Screw you," and go off doing your own project or chore? No, you question the teacher or parent or whoever... because you don't understand; because it doesn't make sense to you. Why is this scene any different in the topic of God? If something doesn't make sense, people question in any other facet of life besides this one, and that amazes me.
A revolution needs to take place. A drastic change needs to happen to change how people view God, church, and their spirit. Churches today have painted a grotesque picture of what Jesus looked like, believed, and did. They sculpted a horrible representation of God in their million dollar buildings that are only to be used to the congregation, and built a fellowship that you have to gain membership into the body of Christ. This "Christdom" if you will has become overweight, too powerful, and it overshadows what should really be seen in terms of what Christ did, believe, and tried to show the world. God is seen as a guy waiting to strike down anyone who comes in his path. Christ is seen as a pretty neat guy that people would like to get to know... as long as you hate gays. Both of those depictions are things that the church in general has fed us with, and I'm surprised so many have taken it for this long.
What would it look like for a church to give out half of what it gets in in offering.
What would it look like for a church to not be confined by walls or a building?
What would it look like for a church to help its community any way possible?
To cloth and feed and house the needy?
To love anyone who walks through the doors or what have you?

3 . | .


aerii

:: 2009 26 August :: 1.18pm

"All the time we spent in bed, counting miles before we said, fall in love and fall apart, things will end before they start."

.


aerii

:: 2009 3 August :: 11.17pm

"Sometimes a kind of glory lights up the mind of a man. It happens to nearly everyone. You can feel it growing or preparing like a fuse burning toward dynamite. It is a feeling in the stomach, a delight of the nerves, of the forearms. The skin tastes the air, and every deep-drawn breath is sweet. Its beginning has the pleasure of a great stretching yawn; it flashes in the brain and the whole world glows outside your eyes. A man may have lived all his life in the gray, and the land and trees of him dark and somber. The events, even the important ones, may have trooped by faceless and pale. And then - the glory - so that a cricket song sweetens the ears, the smell of the earth rises chanting to his nose, and dappling light under a tree blesses his eyes. Then a man pours outward, a torrent of him, and yet he is not diminished..."

.


shroudofrain

:: 2009 5 June :: 4.22pm
:: Mood: I don't think there's a justifyable word for this.

Is this my legacy?
I know that church has gotten a bad rap for having hippicritical people in it. People that do nothing but break down others, using the church, so that they get -in some sick and twisted way- who they want in their church.
I haven't had this personal... until now.
A friend of mine at Real Life church in Spring Lake, North Carolina, has made mistakes in her past that she isn't proud of. Some people found this out, and by a involvement of her through their children, decided to do everything they could to turn everyone against her.
These people are the ones in the church that are suppose to be protecting her, showing her an example of Christ constantly, and yet they take up their rocks, not caring who is without sin, and letting them fly without any reguard to her continuity.
Jesus came and made himself nothing for the continuity of the people that were on the other end of the rock; to show people not that the laws in the Old Testiment were wrong, but that they were lived out like this -hints Jesus' life.
I've always known that pharisies were in any church you go to, sneeking around, planning the perfect time to make their move at someone, ready to condemn with stone and tounge... I just never would have thought that these pharisies were peopole so involved and deep in ministry of a church, of whos' purpose -above all others- is to protect the young from the stones themselves. Lets call them "Sleeper Pharisies".
All the while of listening to this and seeing this young girl get torn apart by the ones that she did nothing to but love and respect, people that she poured hard-earned comfort, love, and joy into, I think of how the pastor is going to react to this... because this will eventually get back to Darrell in some manner.
I know for a fact that Darrell doesn't know anyhting about any of this that is going on within his congragation right under his nose, and when he does, it's going hurt him bad. Darrell has been so proud of his congragation for all the things that we have involved ourselves with to help the community without any promise of reward from anyone but God himself, and not for the sake of recieving, but for the sake of giving to others in need; to hear this story of lies, decete, emotional murder of this young girl... it's going to break his heart to know that this is happening right under him, and he didn't even know it.
And all this time I'm thinking: Is this my legacy as a pastor? To have these toxic people right in the midst of leadership within my church and not even know it until they decide to tare apart a young girl in public?
Yes, yes it is. And I accept it as my legacy whole-heartedly and with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart... I accept this legacy to look forward to.

Things need to change.
Church is viewed of a collective of peopole that have a "I'm more holy that thou," persona; you'll find that with SOMEONE in ANY given church, but the sad part of it is: this persona is beoming adopted more and more as I see even Real Life -my home church- progress.
The foundation of Real Life is to live real life, showing a real God to real people. We try and meet people at their needs, and to show the love of Christ through what we do and how we do it... and to see all this happening to my friend makes others -outside looking in- think what is really taken to heart and taught over at Rea Life.
God works in mysterious ways, and so does Satan.... I just pray that love really does win every single time.
However, something needs to change. Meeting real people with real problems with a real God in their real lives leaves room for real people to make real problems. Something needs to change about how a real God helping real problems for real people is approched.
Christians and the church today -the American church and the American Jesus- has become somewhat of a marketed, segragated (not in race but in spirituality and beliefes.... even about the same thing) community. Real Life tries to break that, and this toxin has infiltrated on somewhat of a deep level. I guess it was only a matter of time, but it still hurts to know that this happened.
Darrell will take care of things when this gets back to him, and he will sort it out. I have enough faith in Darrell that this will not go further... and I'm not expecting a church to be completely immune to any of these problems, but I guess it's jsut the innitial explosion of this whole situation that hit hard.
Something needs to change... because I'm not inheriting this preconseved, marketed, segrigated community as my community of God like other churches have in America, and even the world. Real Life will prosper and take care of the situation... but this is something that has to and will be addressed, by not only Darrell, but when I plant my church.

Love wins

1 . | .


aerii

:: 2009 1 June :: 9.18pm

Fuck allergies.

Seriously.
They make me so not happy.

.


aerii

:: 2009 30 May :: 1.30pm

It smells so good outside today.

.


aerii

:: 2009 10 May :: 10.07pm

"Be careful if you choose not to share your annoyance with someone today, because a minor irritation could fester and turn into a more serious problem. But you must be equally cautious if you decide to talk about your current frustration. You could inadvertently make the matter worse if you place blame on a friend or partner. You can minimize your discomfort by expressing your feelings without making any unfair judgments."

So I should just let it be?


Gah. Life is so stupid.
I just want to sleep.

.


aerii

:: 2009 27 April :: 6.09am

"Remember, remember. This is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I've taken for granted."

.


aerii

:: 2009 25 April :: 4.17pm

It felt like we were a family.
And nothing else mattered in that moment.

.


aerii

:: 2009 24 April :: 7.46am

Death Cab and Cold War Kids tonight.
For free.

:D

1 . | .


aerii

:: 2009 14 April :: 11.43pm

Seattle in two weeks.

:D

I need this.

.

Woohu.com | Random Journal