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...stars dont always shine forever...

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:: 2005 12 October :: 10.33 am

Given you my everything
Wore myself weak and sick
Just to keep you happy
Apparently I didn't do my job
Either that or you're hard to please
Wonder if you'll ever realize
She's bad for you, before I give up
Before I decide to turn around
And go away for good
I'll give you another chance
Before I get on that plane
If you can't se she's bad for you
I'll be taking flight a on a 747
A oneway trip to heartbreak
Ready to crash and burn
I've got the spot picked out
It's calling my name, been waiting for me
Standing at the terminal
Hoping you're there to keep me here
But if you're maybe I'll see you again
When you find out she's bad for you
And you crash and burn
You know the place
It's where we first met
I'll be there waiting
To piece you back together
When you crash and burn
If you want to save us both
Meet me at the terminal
It's your last chance.

*ride my star*


:: 2005 12 October :: 10.28 am

I suffer each day know I cannot be with you. Knowing that Iíll never be the same person. Iíll never be as strong as I once was. Pain has grown to be my best friend and who I am. Never in 18 years have I felt this empty. This torn apart. So far away from everything I have ever known, loved, encountered. The feeling of nothing good ever happening again is all I know. Instead of going out to improve myself and regain my strength, I sit alone. I hide from everything. I feel so ugly. So abandoned. So worthless and used. My heart, body, and mind canít handle the judgment, the criticism Iíd receive as soon as I set foot outside. Knowing that at one time I was so happy, so free, makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me wish that someone would just do away with me forever. End everything I donít have the strength, the courage to fight for or end. Iíve thought that eventually the pain would subside. But it has only grown to be so intense my lungs canít take the heavy breathing. In my head I thought that if I pushed you away, it wouldnít hurt so much. But I turned out to be wrong. The pain of pushing you away, being so cold to you, became unbearable. Made me so sick to my stomach. Youíre the reason I canít sleep. Youíre the reason I get sick everyday. The reason I either donít eat or eat until I get sick. Instead of hating you, instead of blaming you, I hate myself. I blame myself. Because I canít stand the thought of being mad at you. I canít stand seeing you in pain. Suffering the way I have. When I am not with you, I think about you. I think about being with you. Giving you the love that you deserve. Protecting you the way you protect(ed) me. Giving you the feeling of comfort and security that I feel every time you touch me. I want to be there for you and help you get through the troubled times they way you were there for me. When I said ďI love youĒ, I meant it. I felt it more every time I said it. Apparently you didnít. Maybe you didnít even mean it the first time you said it. Maybe youíre only saying it now because you want to keep me around. Just incase things donít work out with her. Is that why you havenít answered my questions yet? Is that why youíre waiting? Because you know how hurt Iíll be. You know itís what I need to help me try to move on. Why hold onto me? Obviously I didnít mean that much to you to begin with. Otherwise I wouldnít be sitting here in complete and utter misery. Then again it is my fault Iím in this much pain. If I hadnít put myself out there. If I hadnít given myself the chance to love you. If I had treated you like all the others I wouldnít be here right now. Iíd be on at least the third one since you. What makes her so different from me? Do you love her more because she gave you something she canít give anyone else? You took away her innocence and now you feel obligated to be with her, is that it? Iíd really like to be able to understand it.

*ride my star*


:: 2005 24 March :: 12.44 pm

::You and your ways::
3.24.05
Your smile, Your touch
The softness of your lips
Your beautiful bright eyes
Your voice at night
When you've got me in your arms
The way you look at me
So carefully, that only I notice
Your hand fits so perfectly around mine
How you slyly begin to caress my face
To gently sweep in with a kiss
That takes my breath away
Your ability to make me smile
Just by being there with me
The way you make me laugh
Your way of making me feel safe
And not afraid of anything
You're so easy to talk to
That you've become my best friend

*ride my star*


:: 2005 18 January :: 4.31 pm

12-15-04
-The road less taken-
My heart aches more
Each day that I'm more aware
Of your heartless existence
The voices fade in and out
When you walk into the room
Speaking of your malicious plots
Attempting to become unnoticed
I sink down in my body
And cry out endlessly for help
Death calls for me quietly
Slowly I wander my way
To the shadows that grow
On my bed side wall
Taking me in as their own
Mothering me, loving and holding me
I seep into the pits of hell
Preparing myself for the journey
That awaits for me on the other side
Gently, quietly falling a thousand stories
Into a land only I'll understand
landing in a field of flowers and feathers
Caressing my sweet body and mind
I live in the eternal soul
Of each one of the naive people
Who live restless lives being ignored

3 *ride*s | *ride my star*


:: 2004 14 September :: 3.21 pm

I am nothing of my past
Things have changed, i've grown up
Everything has faded away
My love for you, gone before my eyes
Sympathy has risen from broken hearts
That surround my every move
And jump on my every word
Tearing at me like I'm dead
Picking at my soul piece by piece
My flesh lies cold and clamy...

*ride my star*


:: 2004 13 June :: 9.44 pm

6-11-04
Our shadows grow
On the walls of life
As we walk farther apart
Darkness clouds above
Tears flood my eyes
Realizing what I gave up
Knowing its too late to turn back
And trying to fight the temptation
Running back to you seems impossible
But I look back anyway
To see you still standing there
I start smiling from ear to ear
And I drop to my knees
As you begin to hold me
We start making plans
For that beautiful fall wedding
Finally, my puzzle has been completed

...needs a title...

*ride my star*


:: 2004 11 May :: 3.58 pm

But I was wrong
5-11-04
I thought he was different
From all the other ones
But I guess I was just blinded
By the games he played
The lies he told me
I thought it was cute
That he said he'd do anything for me
Like buy me the Mackinaw Bridge
What a joke that was
Thought it was sweet
When he looked straight into my eyes
And said all the things
That a girl wants to hear
I wonder what line he used
On all the other girls
I wonder how long it took
For them to realize he was a sham
Or was I the only one
Who fell right into his trap

*ride my star*


:: 2004 9 May :: 9.27 pm

His lies...
3-31-04
His lies play in my head
Backwards, forwards
They all mean the same
Get the same laughs
They've been playing so long
I dont know what to believe
When he said he'd do anything for me
Was that just a line to get to me
Like when he said he'd buy me the bridge
Because I deserved it for being so wonderful
If im so wonderful, why all these lies
Why all the games to mess with my head

*ride my star*


:: 2004 16 March :: 9.53 pm

Love...
1-22-04
I think I fell in love
The first night I met you
But I've been to shy
To admit it to myself
There's just something about you
That makes me feel the way I do
I get all flustered inside
And cant stop thinking about us
I dont know what you want
Or what your feelings are
So let this be a warning
I love you so much
That I would do anything for you
Just to see a smile on your face
And if you dont feel the same
Its alright, because I'll still love you

3 *ride*s | *ride my star*


:: 2004 16 March :: 9.52 pm

Feelings
2-9-04
Even if I had a thousands years
And the answers in front of me
I wouldnt be able to describe
How much I love you or need you
It seemed to be easy for you
Because you are sure of your feelings
But me, I cant find the words
So I try to fight the rage
That hides behind these eyes

*ride my star*


:: 2004 16 March :: 9.51 pm

Just forget it
1-19-04
You broke my heart
Into a thousand pieces
No glue will ever fix
The mess you've made
So dont even try
Dont apologize either
Because I'll just come back
And suffer again
I thought I'd learn
But I guess the second time
Was nothing but a show
Just let me walk away
Thats what you always seem to do
Let me shed all these built up tears
So I wont ache as long
Im so sick of your games
Why do you play them with me
There must be some reason
That you always come back
Could it be for the pleasure
Of watching me break down in tears

*ride my star*


:: 2004 16 March :: 9.50 pm

In my dreams
1-22-04
I met you in my dreams
The only happy place I have
You held my hand so tight
I can still feel it there
Even when I lie awake
When will I see you again
Do I have to fall asleep and dream
To even make an image of your face
Come alive and hold me tight
Were you just a dream
Something to keep my mind busy

*ride my star*


:: 2004 24 February :: 10.01 pm
:: Mood: *teary*
:: Music: *little moments- brad paisley*

*i miss him too much to care about anything else*
I miss the way he looks at me. The way he touches my face, and kisses my forehead. The way he knows the right thing to do, to cheer me up, even though I havent told him whats wrong. The way he knows exactly where to put his arms. The fact that he instantly knows when Im cold, and he warms me up. The things he says. The many times that he tell me I'm beautiful. And no matter how many times he says it, it never gets old. I miss him. His smell. His smile. Everything about him. Everything he is, is everything I've ever dreamed of. He had the balls to tell me, that he's not in my league. I'm from Belding. I dont have money. I dont try, for anything. Im only 16. He's the one with the money. Smarts. Basically everything.

I dont deserve any of this. What have I done to deserve this?

*ride my star*


:: 2004 15 February :: 12.14 am
:: Music: *see me through-rascal flatts*

2-14-04

Ive been blinded
By the tears in my eyes
From all the things
You've put me through
I lie awake at night
Counting the times
That you left me broken
For someone else

*ride my star*


:: 2004 1 February :: 8.42 pm

Untitled-
2-1-04

Standing under the moonlight
Just gazing into your eyes
Was like a dream come true
Being in your arms
Underneath the stars
Has never felt better
A thousand words
Were said that night
In just one sweet look
That swept me off my feet
Made my eyes well up with tears
And put a smile on my face

*ride my star*

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