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THIS is what I call a GETAWAY...

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:: 2004 17 August :: 12.48 am
:: Mood: reminiscent
:: Music: eh

house for sale
... o i forgot something. leah got mad that i didnt tell her. i just forgot though.....

my parents have put our house up for sale..... this means if you know anyone looking for a hot house we just so happen to be sellingone.

also they are looking to move to the cape.... they have found there dream house and just need to sell this house first. but yeah they are moving to the cape.

where will i live? well for as long as i am a student at worcester sate i will be a wonderer around here.

i hope i have answered everyones questions. if they havent been answered here feel free to ask. haha. dont have the balls..

:: 2004 17 August :: 12.22 am
:: Mood: .stoned.
:: Music: this is a war- Smile Empty Soul

perfectly perfect
i hate when i get really really excited for something. and then it crashes down. that really sucks. but that was the only downer of the night so im not concerned.

tonight was beautiful. i love my two brothers. i love sean. i love chris. i love ian's girlyfriend alicia. i love leah. i love meg. and i love sam. tonight was wonderful. i got perfectly stoned. a perfect amount of times. with perfect people. doing perfect things. perfectly. im going to miss luke and ian when they go off to school, they are amazing. ian and me are the munchie stoners. its perfect. luke played acoustic guitar for me. ya im a sucker for anything acoustic. hehe. i just sat there high listening to it. happily. so incredibly happily. it was amazing. then me and ian talked about when i was completely in love with luke. i still love him. haha. of course platonically now. but i stil love him. hes going to be an engineer though, maybe i should really love him. hehe. oh i just wanted to let every guy that missed out know that august 16th is free boobie touch day. oh and for further reference august 24th is national "nothing is sexual harassment" day. meaning you could rape a girl and it wouldnt be rape. yeah sean and luke informed me off all of this when i was alone with them in the car. i love them. perfectly. today was awesome and im so happy that i got to listen to him play guitar. goodnight she said. perfectly happy because she knows when she cant find the butterflies she is looking for she still has ones that bring her over the stomache bumps on the road.

*stagnancy was her only enemy* dont have the balls..

:: 2004 16 August :: 9.41 am
:: Mood: a flowing change.
:: Music: stars hide fire

"we arent friends anymore"
i've come acustomed to walking around with a smile on my face. solitude can be amazingly fulfilling. i sat at dereks the past two nights having the best times ever, and i barely talked to anyone. although nick was the funniest person ever. i was cracking jokes to myself. laughing. with myself. fuck this idea of settling we have grown to become content with. i love where i am right now and im happy. after you hit a certain point it becomes so easy to walk away from something that brings you down to much. you right i never said a word to you. but then again. you never were one for an eye for an eye. by the second eye it was always different i guess. but you were right each time. i shouldnt remember the past. but then again. im a scorpio and its in my nature. but you were right. i probably hurt you so many times. effortlessly. im sorry i slept at his house that night. im sorry that we slept in the same bed. im sorry for each indiscretion. you were never the one to like a blow out. so why bother even saying anything now? well heres the drama that you never want. im sorry for this too. wasnt i sparing you before? i hope for you that i havent hurt you as much as you me. no i hope that for me. i would hate myself for doing that to someone. but your right you took it with pride everytime. pride. your happy with yourself. with your actions. pride that was a perfect word. it explains why the actions repeated. get over yourself. stop the flattery. i couldnt say what you've done over the past weeks if i tried. im sorry. i did see you the other night. your right i watched your every move. you every move. right until you walked out of the room. i followed you out tho. did you see me in the shadows? or did i forget to turn the headlights off when you looked back at my car? i followed and tried to keep up. you lost me though. you kept me away. i hope that made you smile. im out of that town now. i know that must make you smile. you've won. you won the town over. i hope your voted mayor. that would make you so happy. lies? that was the one thing that really has me floored. which ones did i tell? did i make you look like a liar? did i? did you tell someone that i told you something then deny it? did i? did i lie when you asked a question? did i? did i keep stuff hidden for your own good? did i? you did know me better than that. get off your fucking high horse. you weren't "sparing" me of anything. the effort wasnt made. your right. the funny thing about that is we had plans the last day we hung out. but we had to have dinner with your little secret. it was a nice thought tho. i nice dinner. im sorry if i ruined anything that night? but we are both happier now. so why dont we leave it at that. because when people ask where my "other half" or "the other one" is. i smile as my heart sinks. and am happy just saying "we arent friends anymore". dont have the balls..

:: 2004 10 August :: 11.26 am
:: Music: "love. love will tear us apart"

forever i wil chase after....
a quote from sarah. fitting of the times.

"i have different friends than i used to. and friends i used to have, who came back. and friends i don't have anymore. and friends i don't know if they're friends. and friends i lost. yet, still, i haven't had a best friend in a long time. and it sucks." dont have the balls..

:: 2004 8 August :: 10.50 pm

i lied i still have every stuffed animal in my room dont have the balls..

:: 2004 8 August :: 10.27 pm
:: Mood: eh..not sure
:: Music: thursday

stuff and thangs
why does he feel it is okay to come and go in my life as he pleases? it isnt. it kills when he gets bored enough to pick up the phone and call me. when he doesnt have his girl to turn to in times of boredom. when he is sick of her. shes not enough anymore? suddenly im supposed to drop everything when after 2 years you havent wanted anything to do with me.. because of her? fuck you. dont think that you have that kind of control. i will not pick up the phone and call. and yes i will be a bitch when you call me. fuck you. prove to me that you really miss me. truely. deeply. subtract your problems in your relationship right now. think about if you guys are good again. your not aloud to talk to me then. and you wont. im not here for your convienence, when you need it. when you are "in the mood" for a hug or whatever else. fuck you. im not the person you used to know. ive done some growing up over the past couple years. you've remained stagnant with her. i told you that i loved you. you told me you loved her. you never even gave a fuck about me even platonically. but yes i was your best friend. the best friend you could ever ask for. remember the summer we spent cuddling on your couch? remember being unseperable? but we were always just friends. i remember the first time i met her. i watched that game and how you played. she didnt like being cold. i remember how shitty the ref.s were and flipping out with your dad. i miss him. she sat there watching like a blind person. but you saw her and looked right through me. "its like meeting the man of your dreams then meeting his beautiful wife". she was beautiful trash. but i was thrown to the curb. i hope you have been happy the past years. it must be comforting to know that i will always be here when you feel like it. fuck you. i hope that you have been miserable. i hope that you still have everything that i gave you. i dont have a thing. i hope every hockey game you look to the stands to see me. i hope she never hugged you when you smelled after a game. .... it would kill me to know..... i hope you think of me everytime your sad. i wish i didnt pick up the phone the other day. "restricted #" its never meant anything good. restricted. like when you can talk to me. even when you tried to be friends with me. it was a secret. "not good timing to tell her" well tough guy. you've said you've been sticking up to her. how about now? i wont be some secret. and you wont be the truth. i hope when it is really over between you. you run back to me. you run faster than you ever have thought. but remember you untied this bond. and i will laugh uncontrollably when you trip on your shoelace and fall on your face. i hope she makes you happy. i hope she makes you as happy as you have made me these past years.

1 <- grew a set.. | dont have the balls..

:: 2004 4 August :: 12.23 am
:: Mood: high
:: Music: glassjaw

the moments of being infinite.
the moments of being in the 70s.
the moments of being in a scary movie.
the moments of being in a comedy.
the moments of being....
the moments of laughter.
the moments of thought.
the moments of silence.
the moments of dares.
the moments of contemplation.
the moments of loss.
the moments of departure.
the moments of arrival.
the moments of death-thoughts.
the moments of home.
the moments of the end of the record.
the moments of......
the moments pass.
the moments came.
the moments were.
the moments fly.
the moments are.
the moments live.
the moments die.
the moments....
the times.
the people.
the places.
the things.
the fights.
the smoke.
the boys.
the girls.
the beach.
the looks.
the rocks.
the lightening.
the clouds.
the stars.
the before.
the beginning.
the now.
the middle.
the end.
the after.
you. dont have the balls..

:: 2004 2 August :: 8.21 am
:: Mood: sick in everyway
:: Music: falloutboy

its funny last week you couldnt stand it?
inconsiderate is a funny word.
inconvenience also is.
your actions arent.
just saying

i feel like shit

i need purity
i need not this feeling
im sick of alot

i have to work a bunch today
while feeling like complete shit

i would love to have fun plans for after

i doubt i will


*stagnancy is my only enemy* dont have the balls..

:: 2004 30 July :: 10.19 am
:: Mood: searching
:: Music: new tbs

a blah blah blah
oh darn it.
the night before last was incredible.
me . danni . soch . and . leah .
amazingly perfect.
"im laughing and i dont know why"
*insert jerky weird movements here* you are my blood........

last night was fun also.
although i wish that otto was around.
eight chambers is extreme.
hottest picture ever of me and jeff.
hottest picture ever of soch and jake.
remember that perfect day?
we had fun the way kids do.
sometimes i just want to rewind over and over again.

time only moves forward.
its beautifull.
tragically beautiful.

tonight equals.
more fun.

i lust my life.

.im still butterfly hunting.

*stagnancy is my only enemy* dont have the balls..

:: 2004 28 July :: 9.51 am
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: vanilla ice ice baby

this life that i lead.
life is good.
those tee-shirts are the man.
i lust my life and the girlie that i cant do anything without.
some people are funny.
i lust uno.
i lust "d r God this is the life" puzzles that are missing a piece.
i lust golf.
i lust atari.
battles for couches are fun
i lust friends. old. and new.
i lust my life.
i love my parents.
i lust this summer.
i lust yesturday.
i lust today.
i lust tomor.
i wish i had things to talk about sometimes.
i dont think im the most interesting conversationalist.
i get lost.
i fear being uninteresting.
i wonder if i will die alone.
i know i will die having friends.
i wonder if i will die without finding "someone".
i want to fall in love.
i want to feel secure.
i lust where my life is now.
i dont think i have a void.
i think i could fill something tho.
i want to run away.
i want to stay where i am.
i am done with this journal.

*stagnancy is my only enemy*

1 <- grew a set.. | dont have the balls..

:: 2004 26 July :: 1.57 am
:: Music: *you look so good in blue* falloutboy

butterfly, butterfly, where are you?
im kinda wanting the butterfly feeling.

just saying.

oh and the notebook makes me want to go see my grandparents. slash cry myself to sleep. very good movie. lots of tears. such a girl. cute shirt/flip flops today. no i dont look like kelly osborne and yes the next person to say that will have a slit throat. eh those of you who didnt take me up on the date offer tonight missed out. i was a hot one.

*stagnancy is my only enemy* dont have the balls..

:: 2004 12 July :: 12.08 am

nothing will ever be like it used to be. im over it. thats the beauty of humanity. constant change. the inability to ever reach true stagnancy. i lust it. i lust that this isnt last summer and there are NEW memories. fuck living in the past. people change. people grow apart. realizations are reached. people grow to different suns. its not sad. its not tragic. its beautiful. its beautiful in every way imaginable. lets stop wishing and hoping and just live. "dont count the seconds make the seconds count". i lust that bond that i began to forget about. about our intense conversations. laughing until we think we are going to die from laughing too hard. not being able to go into a "public place". i lust you danni. i missed you. im amazed at having you back.

i just wrote this and i really like it so i will copy and paste.
R0CK my WURLD: i hate that i wished for last summer
pr1tte p r1n655: i hate that this summer is boring and i have jobs.
R0CK my WURLD: i lust this summer
pr1tte p r1n655: eh fuck that its gay
pr1tte p r1n655: im sick of reading books and webster.
R0CK my WURLD: i think we had fun last year cause we didnt sit and wish and hope and waste time like that. remember appreciating every fucking moment. and just sitting and soaking it in? we didnt sit and worry about not having "enough" or the "right kind" of fun. we just took at as it came and it was a ride. we need to get over fucking being stupid and emo and "not having enough" we have the world.

thats it for now or im going to start like trying to sound insightful and thats lame. later gater

*stagnancy is my only enemy*

3 <- grew a set.. | dont have the balls..

:: 2004 5 July :: 10.18 pm

im spinning. dont have the balls..

:: 2004 21 June :: 12.14 am

so i worked tonight and otto and soch visited. then i got a phone call questioning me about my whereabouts friday night. that is the background info for the two stories i would like to tell here now.

the first starts off like this. deirdre dropped me off friday night after the show because there wasnt anything to do. i really didnt want to stay at my house because me and my mother have been at eachothers throats and i couldnt handle wasting away a saturday morning with her. etc. so i start walking down the street and call my best friend because i knew she was just sitting in a parking lot in oxford and i figured that she would come get me. but she said no because "i dont wanna" or "not it" or something like that. so as i am walking down the street at midnight im like "well tell someone to come get me cause i cant handle staying here tonight" and she "didnt feel like it" but she said that otto was there but wouldnt give him her phone because she "didnt wanna" so i called him as i am still walking down the neighborhood in the dark and he said he would come get me. (p.s. i thought he was alone) but jake was with him. so we went for a stone ride and then all went to jakes house and it was supposed to be a slumber party but i passed out really fast so just went up to bed and otto left. :(

my second story goes. i went to hang out with otto tonight and meet at price chopper. i saw soch walking down the road but thought she was just going somewhere. the second i realized she was upset about something i got in my car, put on music that she likes, listened, talked, and did what she wanted.

im a backstabber.

4 <- grew a set.. | dont have the balls..

:: 2004 20 June :: 4.21 pm
:: Mood: ehhh... good
:: Music: bright eyes

happy fathers day
i lust summer... i lust the noises in my ear.... ahh and soo much more to go... i dont want to write down details because there is always bad with good... i just wanted to say i lust my life. i lust my life in summer.... but on the "everything isnt always possitive" side, i wish i was 18. i wish hard that i was 18. i want the freedom and such. or at least not be treated like i am a sophmore in high school instead of a freshman in college. i guess i just want out of this house. i like it occasionally but i fucking hate it soooooo much sometimes... my mom is all "pre-menopause" and i really cant handle being around her... it makes me nuts... eh i just want a vacation from this house. nothing else... maybe i will make someone take me in for a week... cause it really flips me out to be here.. ill just pack up my car and be like "ill be back next week" because otherwise i may end up punching her in the fucking face... but i love my dad. cause well hes the man so we get along. i could deal with this place if it were just me and him. i prob would never leave but i would kill her if he wasnt here... actually i would just not come home.. my dad asked me one day why im never at the house... i just wanted to be like MUM!!! that is why my fucking stupid bitch mother. so yeah.. happy fathers day.

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