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2009 9 May :: 6.05 pm
ohmygod i am so sick and daniel is too nice. he forced me to stay in bed and brought me medicine and played chess with me. tomorrow he turns 21 and we're hosting his party at the new house.
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2009 6 May :: 4.11 am
drinking wine and reading harry potter is bad for my physical health, but gosh does it keep me sane.
1 meter |
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2009 5 May :: 1.13 am
i am still very sick. i need a doctor.
1 meter |
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2009 4 May :: 2.58 pm
the storm subsided with your happy eyes and palm mercifully placed in the small of my back (a question), did you? because i thought of you in the downpour and the shape of your body became the water washing over mine.
dripping soaked and spattered with dismay, i pulled on the string and you, unyielding, pulled it back harder, jaw clenched with wild eyes dancing from my lips to my hair to my left to right iris. "jocelyn, i thought you should know..."
and silence overtook you while a glass door opened, a smiling face behind it, connected to a new pack of cigarettes in hand. i stepped backward, head buzzing with a thousand unsaid words and the tiny string did not break but held me closer and tighter.
4 meters |
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2009 4 May :: 2.00 pm
I got all A's!!!
and a B in math. but only because I missed about 10 classes.
YES HARD WORK FINALLY IS GOOD FOR SOMETHING!
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2009 2 May :: 4.03 pm
everything feels wrong. i want to laugh.
moving in with a cat on my heels and new smells up my nose.
daniel is a musician and i keep forgetting that they are all very similar.
15 meters |
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2009 1 May :: 1.40 am
it's nice being in cape coral. the o'connors have one two three four five six kittens and gosh are they cute. kitten number 5 is named Jocelyn. kitten 4 is David Copperfield and that will be the cat that joe and i take to jacksonville after rothbury.
the nights are still lonesome sometimes, but i'm much better than i was. i read old journals from years ago, or even just from october, and i want to slap myself. i am so blind.
i have to know what i want to paint. i have to know exactly what i want to say, or my paintings will be the equivalent of me screaming senselessly to the rain.
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2009 30 April :: 12.49 am
i am guilty to say that if this suspicion turns out to be false, i will be disappointed.
11 meters |
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2009 28 April :: 5.50 am
apparently i am much more drawn out than i think i am. i have been sleeping very little and thinking nothing of it, allowing myself no spare time beccause i cannot afford it (excepting my time with joe and daniel, usually once a week or to study). i just want to be finished. i have my last exam in six hours and i am just hoping i don't vomit all over my page. i am so very horribly sick. i have never been this ill.
2 meters |
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2009 26 April :: 3.02 pm
two nights ago as i lay next to him exhausted after work and drifting to sleep, casablanca casting a flickering glow around the room, he rolled over,
"i have that question for you."
and i mumbled something and looked up with sleepy eyes and waited.
"have you ever realized after you broke up with someone how much you didn't have in common with them? it's only after you've stopped being with them. i guess at the time you just don't care, but i'm realizing now i didn't have anything in common with my ex. we liked the same things, but we had different temperaments. we were completely different people. have you ever felt that?"
yes, i have felt that exactly.
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2009 26 April :: 3.09 am
i don't have a girlfriend, i just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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2009 23 April :: 2.20 pm
yes i do get that look in my eye.
please do not think i am weaker based on the actions of my past. my mind has not touched on that day in so long. remembering it to you and watching your face, seeing you huddled over, nauseous and asking me how i could do that to myself, was quite enough to handle.
i overcame that part of myself and the point of the matter is, i could never do it again.
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2009 20 April :: 5.15 pm
I am all pent up and wound tight and waiting to burst. I would say that I can see the light, but I just can't yet.
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2009 15 April :: 2.33 am
I am Citizen Kane.
Just love me, just give me your love and I will be happy.
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2009 14 April :: 11.33 pm
i don't want anything special. i am here to be. i don't lack these grand aspirations, i just don't want them.
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2009 12 April :: 11.39 pm
OH MY DARLING
You skipped your Easter mass for me this morning and we spent the day sleepily in each other's arms, blinking through tired fog at one another and smiling weakly. and tomorrow i'm going to hear you play with michael tillis at UNF. tonight i'm painting and watching Milk with Joe, and tomorrow Stevie and I are doing homework all day.
EVERYTHING IS BUSY and muddled and i miss my hamham and i'm happy but i shouldn't be. but still. i hope i'm doing well enough in school.
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2009 12 April :: 10.37 pm
god. i fell asleep for so long only to wake in the middle of the night. what a lonesome feeling.
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2009 12 April :: 3.17 pm
i miss hammy very much too. i cried and cried all night and in the morning when we had to bury him, it was like my stomach had dropped out of my body. every time i go to joe's and see the place where he used to live there it gives me a painful jolt.
happy easter.
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2009 11 April :: 6.29 pm
another week of hell. everyone loves cocaine except for daniel and myself.
i met a very strange man last night. he played the mandolin and when i sang he would say "loud! be loud!" and i would and he would lean to me and say "good JOB, girl," and keep playing the good hearted woman with myself and jamie singing the words, daniel sitting beside me and looking up and smiling every few moments.
what struck me was he kept playing until sunrise and had to head back to st augustine. i tried to give him directions and back him out of the crowded driveway, running back and forth, using my arms to describe how much room he had left. when he was finally in the street and ready to go, i told him it had been wonderful to meet him and to drive safe. and he told me that i was good song-writing material and he'd see me again and drove away.
it was lovely to hear at that point because all of the yay was not the best to be around.
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2009 7 April :: 3.13 pm
woo! i tell you, school is not fun lately. i got mad at joe this morning for begging me to come over last night, but i was mad for nothing. he just wanted to see me. i was only angry because he slept through class and i don't want him to miss. he does so well and if he'll fail because of anything it will be absences. and i'm jealous that he has more free time than me. at least i'm not bored. i should be in the computer lab at this second working on my walk cycle, but i'm taking a break. i know from my 3 hour lab class i'll be going straight to work, and from work back to here to do my homework, and up at 9AM again to repeat. and how am i going to finish a painting by this time next week when i have to creative flow or desire whatsoever?
http://www.gigasize.com/get.php?d=r8l2m0zx4kc
kurt elling, amazing, with unf je1 last year. danny playing guitar!
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