AnnaLeBelle
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2004 13 November :: 1.40pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: S.O.S- Good Charlotte
My Love...
Disappointed and beyond believing you even give a damn.
Making cursory examinations of my conscience because I really don't want to see the dirty little secrets held within the spider webbing of my soul.
Somewhere wrists are crying their tears of scarlet, and the eyes are shedding their scopes of reality as walls twist and shadows bend.
No one will hear their screams as their pain consumes their sanity and no one will ever care because no one knows they exsist.
Kind of sad when you think about it...
"Should I trust some and get fooled by phoniness? Or should I trust nobody and live in lonilness. Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin. I make the right moves but I'm lost within. I put on my daily facade and then I just wind up getting hurt again by myself." (LP, By Myself)
Those are the words I scream at myself everynight before my head hits the pillow and I'm lost in pleasent nightmares of you dying, my love.
I cry but no one cares because they don't know I'm here.
Have I ever told you it's always been for you?
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AnnaLeBelle
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2004 8 November :: 2.28am
:: Mood: angry
Fickle Girl
It's almost three in the morning as it always is whenever I can't sleep and update my journals. Yeaaa...
~~~
Don't know whether to shove you away
Or hold you close to my heart,
Fickle girl.
Don't know if anything you say ever rings true
Or if it's just the same old, same old.
Fickle girl.
You say you don't know where you're headed.
Where this path might lead us.
You say that you're so confused.
But I know you just like the attention.
Though modest you try to be, I can see.
Take off your mask and quit this childish masquerade.
Fickle Girl.
Always laughing and smiling when your so-called friends.
Then the next moment sobbing on my shoulder about how horrible they've been.
Fickle girl.
Always clinging to my arm when we walk down the hall
But then behind my back you say that I'm the one who's clinging.
Fickle girl.
Fickle girl.
And I don't understand why you're so bland,
But why you're so desirable.
Fickle girl.
Why all the guys lust after you so.
It's enough to blow my mind.
Fickle girl.
And you say that the world is such a cruel place.
But you know I'll never shot you down.
You say I'm such a fool to believe in such unattainable dreams.
You know I'll keep trying.
So let me rip off that outer shell
You ugly, sadistic, bitch of a fickle girl.
Fickle girl.
Change is so hard to accomplish.
I know because I've tried.
But fickle girl, can't you see?
This is how you've changed!
You ugly...
Sadistic...
Bitch...
Of a fickle girl.
Go put on your disguise, everyone's waiting.
~~~
This was inspired by someone who will remain nameless for the sake of emotions. And, yes, it is a girl.
Of course, it could be my imbalanced hormones again.
Eh.
LDC
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AnnaLeBelle
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2004 5 November :: 1.06am
The girl turned her head, salty gems of sorrow falling from her sapphire eyes. She was ashamed for them to see just how weak she was, afraid of what they would think. For, you see, she had always put up a complicated from so that no one could see her true self.
But a thief with a key aimed to see what was in the padlock. So, cleverly, the thief took her universal key and turned it ever so carefully. She didn't want to damage what lied within for she did not know what it could be.
Just as the lock clicked, she was chased away by demons of bitter lonliness. The girls heart saught a companion but was not ready to let anyone claim the riches in her heart so swiftly.
The thief tried subconciously time and time again to unlike the door but everytime she got close, the steel doors would smash shut and she would wait for another day.
The shameful girl fell to her knees, burying her head in her hands, wallowing in a puddle of her own anxiety. And the thief could do nothing more than watch. She did not know what to do to help...
So many monthes came to pass and the fragile girl's condition only worsened. Life was horrible. She would come to school with bruises and slashed wrists. No one ever saw but the thief because the thief, though she was but a thief, was the only one that the girl trusted even if it wasn't entirely. Her heart had been shattered by another, this woman crafty and wicked. The witch had turned almost everyone against the innocent and she had no where to go.
With worsening condition she decided it would be then that she would meet her demise because she couldn't face this torture, this anguish any longer.
Holding the knife at her wrist, she looked up into the darkened ceiling, the razor dropping with a clatter.
The thief had done what thieves do best, stolen her heart. And in return, replaced the wounded child with her own.
At long last the year was over and it was the last day they would see each other ever again. For a time they just gazed silently at one another, holding hands tightly. They didn't care who saw, no, they didn't.
The final hour approached. She cried and cried, the thief only held her, stroking her long red hair, assuring her that everything would be alright. In due time they would meet again.
And still more people stared.
But the thief was right. They would meet again.
And having the thieves heart made the pain so much easier to bear.
The thief was never a thief at all, just a blessing in disguise.
~Dedicated to Jocelyn~
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AnnaLeBelle
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2004 3 November :: 6.19pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: This is the New Shit; Marilyn Manson
Blegh..
Uncomfortable silences haunt our conversations once full of your views on the world and hearty laughter. Now all is dead, your flower garden died and all that's left are the weeds.
Why do you use your problems as excuses? You never saw them drag me down like this, did you? And whay are you trying to be societies little puppet bound by the expectations of others?
You never used to care what they said about you as long as we had each other but you've become so hard to please, I'm trying. Seeds take time to grow, but I think they've all died, perhaps.
All I seek is the reason for your change. Like a butterfly you morphed, but maybe not into something more beautiful. You drag me down with your emotions putting your weight on my shoulders and I bear it without question because my heart cannot allow me to do otherwise.
Please stop being like this, I can't stand what you've become. Your constant griping and moaning. The world doesn't revolve around you even though you'd like to think it does.
Ah, but when you hold me in your arms... I never want to let that moment go.
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annalebelle
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2004 27 October :: 11.31pm
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: None
Angel
I am so not feeling poetic. But, hell, I'll try.
~~~~
She watches the world go by through her looking glass stained by the hatred she's too blind to see. She sits by, watching the world turn, society burn.
Does she care that little children cry of the boogie man when they go to sleep? Does it even matter what other people go through?
So stolid, so heartless. That's what they all say. But none of them know of her realistic facade. The mask she parades when they all ask if she is okay.
She smiles and nods and reverts back to her own thoughts, the only things that seem to even make sense anymore.
Around her the world is dying. People are loosing themselves in the beauty of artificial happiness. They are to blind to see. She thinks she sees the beauty of the world. The beauty of the hatred, the magnificence of the anger, the bitter-sweet taste of the sorrow.
In time the stitches left by the tainted hands of others will fade, but inside they will always stay. Threatening to wither, to consume.
Is she a victim? Or does she only enjoy the childish game of make-believe?
With one swift slice she could end the pain that gathers inside of her like morning dew. But she will prevail if only to prove she could be the thing they said she could never be.
An angel.
~~~~
Letting my mind go again. I guess I was feeling more poetic than I thought. ^^;
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AnnaLeBelle
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2004 19 October :: 7.41pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: A Mountain; Good Charlotte
Once Upon a Time
Long ago there was a flower, a single lone flower. No other flowers could grow around if for the flower was covered with thorns and towered over even the tallest tree with only it's one single bud and poisonous leaves.
Alone it lived for a very long time, growing larger by the years. Still, only the one flower remained, never dying and never blooming. Just staying as eternally young forever.
Seasons came and went, but still larger it grew. It dwarfed the town nearby as one tangle of black vines, thorns all about it and only that tiny bud at the top, daring to rise to the heavens itself.
And in the shadows rose a single flower. Nothing special, it was small and miniscule compared to the giant mess of brambles. It grew higher and higher, but never rose above the unbudded flower, wrapping itself around the thorny stalk.
No matter how much the thorns ripped at it's skin, it continued to spiral around until the two flowers were intwined.
In that moment of perfection both flowers burst into bloom.
See what you make of it. It makes no sense to me, but you know.. whatever.
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linkedfantasy
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2004 16 October :: 3.43am
band
B.O.A REGIONAL!
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AnnaLeBelle
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2004 10 October :: 3.51pm
With a soft sigh she awakened from her eternal slumber, snowy hair fluttering as her soul returned to her one more. She glittered as the angels only did and the heavens were envious of her. For a brief moment, her wings were wide and beautiful, unmarred, untainted by her blood. They vanished shortly afterwards and she was left as nothing but the demon she had been before.
No mirror to feed souls to to keep her power undefiable.
No renegade angel living within her, trying any and every way she could to break the seal and unleash heavens wrath on the Earth.
No, she was simply herself once again.
"Rise." Came a cold voice she knew all too well. But it didn't click in her mind as her feet acted of their own accord and made her stand up.
She was tattered and torn, though her body had healed. Without a word, she turned daintily and stared at the ground, deep indigo eyes trailing up the cream colored fur of a cloak all the way up to the baboonhead perched atop a male head, hiding his identity as he peered at her with those blood eyes he had. But she knew all too well who he was.
And she couldn't have been happier to see that evil, wretched, damned, arrogent, despikable bastard.
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AnnaLeBelle
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2004 7 October :: 2.59am
My Outlook on My Life in General
There is nothing much to speak on my behalf, my poetic soul seems to do much of the talking for me these days. More accustomed am I growing to these words that the lines and shapes that came so freely from these calloused hands now seems so hard and painstaking.
She spoke the words I wanted to hear. They formed so perfectly on those serpent lips, how could I even begin to see the lies intwined so perfectly into the threads of words that flowed like the river from those perfect lips of hers. The Goddess of Deciet is what she is. Maybe she cares a little too much about her love.. one can't function on superficial smiles and pretend kisses for long, can they? She has driven away any and all who have cared about her because she obsesses. The sweet silk that is her voice spins a web of lies and she is deemed untrustworthy. Perhaps it is reason for me to be wary.
But you know me.
Broken wings can never fly
And angered souls can never die.
Tainted hearts can never feel
And wounded minds can never heal.
The fallen angel can never return
The foolish child will never learn
The letcherous man can never commit
And the warriors defeat he will never admit
So tell me.. isn't life fucked up?
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linkedfantasy
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2004 4 October :: 12.26pm
You're orange. You're strong and have the reflexes
of a tiger. You're overly protective, and
those skills come in handy... You're a natural
person, with a taste for natural foods (I mean
organic, here.). Well, that's not true.
...Just food in general! You're as
quick-witted as your reflexes, and sometimes
painfully logical. You love wild animals and
pets. (Preferably wild animals!) You're a
natural person, and a true child of Gaia.
You're a stimulating, and outgoing person. You
enjoy making people think, especially with your
infectiously spontaneous attitude. You're a
generally optomistic person, with a love for
showing off all of your good traits. Although
many people may see you as strung-out, or just
plain weird, you're very down-to-earth and
humble. You're incredibly sweet (as this
color's other name!), and you care about people
in general. As this color would describe,
you're energetic beyond all human
comprehension. You've got a nack for drawing,
and you enjoy it, too. When it comes to
school, you're a good listener with an even
better memory. You're studious... At least
when you need to be!
What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla
i was surprised to see how accurate this was... except with the drawing part of it.l
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AnnaLeBelle
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2004 27 September :: 6.45am
:: Music: Somewhere I Belong; Linkin Park
This Always Happens To Me...
I put a bullet through me, shattered my stained glass heart. He said he didn't hate me, he just disliked me.. there isn't much difference when you get to that line, is there?
Crucifixtions from long ago came back to haunt the apology, he couldn't bear that I was not his. I wanted to stay friends, I did worry, I still care, but he said friendship was bullshit. Bullshit, huh..
I cried tears of black because this naive mind could not understand.. it could not comprehind the reason behind his illogical thinking though it so desperately tried. I couldn't understant why he never wanted to breath another word to me.. it was because of those damned crucifixtions that travel through time like bleeding wounds.
I know he'll never listen to what I have to say, nor can I speak the words that truely express my deep concern and worry for him, but why should I waste my time on one who doesn't care whether he's loved or scorned?
Great.. now the ebony sea is rolling with the tides of sorrow once again.
I just wanted to be your friend.
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linkedfantasy
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2004 22 September :: 8.26pm
Wish in one hand and crap in the other... which one do you think is going to fill up first?
And only wishing can tell. But of course, the feeling of relieving yourself in the "jonh" is always something to look foward to also.
And as you gaze into what seems to be an eternal fall form the heavens, I laugh because you look for me to cling to. Ha. No more. No more will you try to look for me to help you.
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AnnaLeBelle
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2004 20 September :: 4.21pm
:: Mood: guilty
:: Music: Down With the Sickness; Disturbed
::sigh:: I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I seem dissatisfied all of the time, nothing can please me anymore. I hunger for more, for perfection itself but even perfection is not enough. I expect too much from the people around me. I expect them to be flawless and when they're not I feel disappointed and angry that they could let me down.
I know it was wrong of me to be so angry at Trevor for something so stupid. I wish I could hug him and tell him I'm sorry, but my stupid pride keeps getting in the way. I worry about how I'll look, how he'll look. Maybe if we weren't in front of so many people. Maybe I will tomorrow.. I dunno. I don't want to embarrass him.. or myself.
I don't know what to do anymore, it feels like I'm a different person, I don't know myself at all anymore.
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annalebelle
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2004 11 September :: 7.39pm
And the second result, thanks to Yue for finding these.
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AnnaLeBelle
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2004 7 September :: 7.46pm
:: Music: Aura- Yuki Kajiura and Kouichi Mashita
Life just drags on and on..
Today was good, I guess.
Not weather wise, the sky was pouring forth endless torrents of rain all day because of Frances and the wind was ripping, pulling leaves from trees and branches and such.
We stand in the gym usually, in the morning before the bell rings and I was standing there. Well.. CJ and Kasey are going out. And now I come to find Sam is going out with Lacey. Damn hypocrite. He doesn't want me going out with him and he thinks it's so messed up and he goes and does the exact same thing. Not that I'm jealous, I could care less, really.
But Kasey won't shut up about CJ. I'm serious, every other word that comes out of her mouth is about CJ. It's almost as bad as Stephanie is with Daniel. Geez. Sorry, I'm easy to agitation I guess.
KB is also going out with Daniel, she dumped Tyler I guess. Heh, everyone has someone, I guess I feel kind of out-of-the-loop. But, I really don't want a relationship. I want one, but I don't. Confusing, I know. I'll be fine without one, but feel lonely and unwanted and bitch about it. Then when I get one, I constantly bitch and complain and it's so hard to please me, Nick knows that ^^;
Not sure if Chris likes me or not. I think Micheal likes me.. not sure on that one either. Why do I feel uncomfortable looking into the eyes of other people? Do I see more than I should? I wonder.
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AnnaLeBelle
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2004 6 September :: 9.18pm
:: Mood: loved
Nick
No one really understands the depth of my feelings, sigh. They all thing the Nick relationship is doomed. It will never work. They've tried online relationships before and they never worked out. Who's asking for your opinions? I'm certainly not. I don't want your advice, keep your opinions to yourself.
How dare you say it wasn't meant to be, that it's stupid, that I'm naive. How dare you condemn me, tell me it's not worth it, tell me it will never be.
I'll be the first to say this to your face, I don't care what you think. I really don't, so keep the bull to yourself. I don't care if we live far apart, Nick isn't a liar. He's never lied to me about anything and likewise, I've never lied to him. Maybe once or twice, but I always told him the truth, the guilt is too much to bear.
I love him with all the love in my heart, love that I've never felt for anyone else. Love that no one else has even began to imagine. I love him, God I love him so much. So don't say to my face that it won't happen, that he isn't the person I think he is. Don't TELL me those things.
You'll see, it will work.. We will make it work. We'll get there someday and we might be taking the long way but we'll get there. And we'll sit back, you all said we'll never make it and we'll just smile because we held on. We held on and came through in the end, we did, we did.
I love you Nick.
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cradleofilth
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2004 6 September :: 10.42am
i may not be updating this much, but when i do, it'll be friends only, because of some asshole who has nothing better to do but to piss people off......i have an lj now, if ya want it, ask meh
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linkedfantasy
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2004 5 September :: 9.22am
FRIENDS ONLY from now on.
I don't need the idiocrity of immature middle school angst to come across my journal. But i have left one one entry which i thought was rather amusing. Other entries are form the way past which I don't think are of that much importance so comment at your own discretion.
Comment if you wihs to be added.
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AnnaLeBelle
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2004 4 September :: 8.50pm
I;ve been feeling really artistic today, I've drawn alot. Yeah, alot of crap. I dunno, everyone tells me it's so good and I guess I compare myself to others. I don't think I'm as good as other people and no matter how much I practice I can't seem to get better. Eh, that's a lie. I mean, looking back at some of my art, I've no doubtedly gotten better. Also learning how to use photoshop to help meh color things so I'm not always submitting sketches to deviant art.
I watched the second Inuyasha movie, it was pretty cool. Kaguya tries to seal Inuyasha's human side into her mirror so Inuyasha's true desire is fulfilled. He almost kills Miroku when he tried to put some sense into the growling Inuyasha. It took a kiss from Kagome and several flashbacks before he returned to reality. It was really beautiul, I think so anyways.
I feel like nowadays I've been really contemplating more than I should be. Fretting over things that are so silly, or so they seem.. but to me they are bothersome. Like mosquitos. And I can't get enough of 'Hero' for some reason. Perhaps it holds some special meaning? Maybe it's because it's true?
I know people who say that love will save us. God's love for us will deliver us. But how can this be? How can they really believe that? Look at everything that we do in the name of love. Stupid things. We kill and there's naught but bloodshed in love's name. So the world promised by love is nothing but a myth. Right?
Maybe there will be such a thing as peace one day. Real peace. But, alas, there will never be peace. There will always be some belligerant, some protestor that will want to rise against the good. Always. There will always be a person who sees the right thing as the wrong thing.
The only things that bring me peace are knowing the ones I love are alright. It gives me peace of mind. Nick brings me peace of mind, there's nothing he could ever do that would make me hate him. Even if he told me he hated me. Even he told me he doesn't want me anymore. I'm a hopless romantic, I'd love him even after he left, after he told me to my face he didn't want me. He's been there for me always and for every stupid mistake, though he was disappointed, he never gave up on me and I don't think he ever will. At least I hope he doesn't. I couldn't bear life outside of his arms, I really couldn't.
Maybe love won't save all of us. But as long as he's there it will save me. It will save me.
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linkedfantasy
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2004 4 September :: 4.16pm
The outlook of my journal.
So my journal looks liek a fag did. Screw you. I am one.
Jordyn left. Now i'm bored. Don't you hate that? You're having so much fun when a friend is here then they leave... and it's like you're a loser or somethin.
i'm weird
-Robert
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