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2008 28 February :: 11.40 pm
:: Music: amiina
no one else saw those little crystal powder flakes, the ones that covered the road in sugar and disappeared overnight. i have been thinking about it all day. light white powder, all ours, alone.
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2008 21 February :: 12.01 am
"I hate this song. even when the smashing pumkins covered it."
he hates so many things that i do not, there is a conflict of interest here.
i want to be myself so badly.
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2008 20 February :: 2.57 pm
i have a lie,
a lie,
a lie,
a lie,
because i cannot tell, will not, cannot block out.
facehandspalms. what am i supposed to do with you? cigarettes for voices, if it's like this can i never leave? i love you, but... it hurts with the grating and the distance you can force. and i feel so silly, my hands all over you and in your hair because that is all i can do -- touch you like some obsessive, dumb fool -- as if that will make anything better.
one of these days, i'm going to break that promise, after i graduate. ironically enough, to try and go to the same place that made us make it in the first place.
i'm tired of all my friendships turning into relationships.
i'm tired of not going somewhere better because i don't think i'm strong enough to break ties again.
i'm tired of being here, in a place where even when people understand, they don't understand.
i'm tired of being okay when you're not...
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2008 12 February :: 10.57 pm
by recognizing the points of time in my life where i was happiest, in one regard or another, i've assembled things that would probably need to be for me to really live the life the way i want to.
i want to live up in the northwest of the state a bit, at least up there enough to be hidden in the woods.
i want cats around me; i know how much animals make me happy.
i need enough free time to paint and work on my own projects without feeling pressured.
i need my own space, studio, something to put all my paint and sculpey and sewing and crafting and musical instrument stuff.
i'd like to make it to conventions, several times a year, enough to keep my spirits up about humanity.
and i'd really like it if seeing dan could be a little bit more common an occurrence.
i don't really feel like these things are so difficult to attain in theory, but somehow i'm not there. i'm not there yet, i should say. being still in school is really putting a damper on things. i hope i don't get stuck with some dumb job after i get out of this place, geez.
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2008 30 January :: 10.32 pm
my anxiety is returning in a fit of horrendous nail-biting, skin-chewing annoyance. that, and the slightest bits of nervousness or anticipation or excitement bring about a heart which beats much too hard and much too fast for me not to pay attention to.
people have also started telling me more often to calm down, chill out, don't get so worked up about this or that. if it's painting, fuck you, i'll get worked up if i want to. this is my major, i shouldn't fucking suck at it.
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2008 27 January :: 7.54 pm
...okay, this sucks, and i know better than to get sucked into this.
dear self, do not get majorly depressed again.
do not:
-spend all day in bed
-dwell on things that you cannot change
-dwell on things that you're perceiving with a shitty attitude
-spend too much time alone
-stop talking to people
-give up
do:
-be nice to yourself
-eat often and sleep regular hours [not too much, not too little]
-appreciate other people that think you're something great, which you may not believe, but they do, so it can't entirely be untrue
-have a fucking sense of humor!!!
this might sound like some retarded list in a self-help book, but it's things i've had to learn the hard way by continually and stubbornly doing the opposite only because it's all i knew how to do. and, well, because simply saying 'be nice to yourself' doesn't work, you have to find a method. once you do, don't stop. don't change it, don't let bad things take hold of it and let your perception and self-perception run off course.
today is not a grey silent useless day where i spend the entirety alone. today is a quiet day inside where i can relax and catch up on some reading.
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2008 27 January :: 3.03 am
alanis morisette - joining you
it's official, i feel like shit.
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2008 24 January :: 11.34 pm
another set of x amount of months. i do enjoy some of it. it is like a game. how far can i get? how much can i put on my plate in one day? how much can i do, and always end up not getting noticed for?
i'm organized and disorganized. i keep forgetting stupid things. rituals, routines. like what you always do after you get out a shower, those same things -- moisturizer, dry your hair, deodorant, etc -- hard to remember to do them. i used to be good at these things.
time seems to be going faster than i think it is. i think it is 2:30 and it is 2:40, and i have missed my bus. i think i am early for class and i am late.
i used to be good at this kind of stuff. i would wake up in the morning and know exactly what to do and would never forget keys or ID or glasses. now i have to read a note posted to the wall every day to remember everything.
i'm telling myself it's just because i'm getting used to a new schedule. this new week hasn't even been finished yet. but my thoughts, like this time last year, are incomprehensible and unhappy. not as unhappy as i have been, but i can't tell if it's really stress that's making me feel like bawling every time i get home at 9 or 10 at night.
no, it's thinking that no matter how much i put on my plate, the effort won't pay off in the end, but i do it anyway.
no, it's knowing that i can't really change my path right now, i can't make anything easier by dropping out.
no, it's knowing that i'm behind too many people artistically, academically, generally unknown and not focused enough at one singular thing.
no, it's seeing that even if i am talented somewhat at one thing, i don't communicate nearly enough to get anywhere with it.
i am talking more to people, as i have been for the last couple months, and i am always busy, so it is keeping me from withdrawing too much. but here, like i'm talking now. i have to put everything in order proper order in line in front of me or else it will all fall asleep go astray do the wrong thing distract and forget and bad. distract, disalign here, and then dark roadside, heavy grasses and no, no, livers and waters and swallows. i'm taking care of myself because if i don't, then hunger and tired and i'll start saying things like scratching and screaming and thinking of my roommates being scarred for life.
i'm tired, and i don't have enough time to be myself. i'm tired, and there is someone out there i want all to myself. i'm tired, and i'm alone. things could be worse.
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2008 15 January :: 12.03 am
this is so fucking pathetic.
seven years of this stupid shit and this is all i have to show for it? i am two steps down a road i thought i'd be down miles by now.
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2008 12 January :: 1.47 am
the surging flesh, the throbbing shirts, deafening and blinding, your breath is going, going, crushed, crushed. you can smell the shampoo of the person in front of you and feel ten people pressing against you at once, all, all, all feeling that deepening fervor and tenacity and amazement at being here, now, screaming open wrist talks back again exoskeletal junction at the railroad delayed -- we all move forward and move back and we all struggle to stand and no one is actually trying to move, we are just being shoved, because here in front of us here, here, here, now, now, is every word we've screamed cried shouted sang to, in all the shit we've waded through, in every open wrist and pinprick, in every cranial bleeding, in every hospital, in every voice
they're real, so we are not alone, anymore. tense power and youth and intelligence and life. those fallen in the pulsing pit are pulled up because we all understand exactly why we're here.
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2008 11 January :: 12.39 am
i wonder if that dream, such pink lilies and snakes afterwards, was such an intense reminder of how far i've come, how high i've climbed. how much to lose as well. worrying won't help, so i'm not doing it.
as much lovely material things as i have, i think having someone around on a more regular basis would help me smile more.
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2007 17 December :: 5.47 pm
:: Music: mew
on the night
and i can't really forget or understand why i wasn't scared. i knew that day was coming, it would eventually, sometime.
i know it doesn't feel good. i don't know what it feels like exactly, for you, voices, tvs, burning up... maybe i closed up, didn't take it in. well, i had to, i had to be grounded. freaking out about you myself wouldn't have made it much better. maybe i didn't understand how bad it was at the time. maybe i still don't.
does anyone else understand? what it's like when someone you love, some one normally coherent, intelligent, who never has to say he's sorry, is in your arms whimpering with how shitty it feels in his head, nonexistent speakers saying terrible things in his ears, clinging to you too tightly with.. pain or fear or just insanity, or not making sense when he opens his mouth but believing he is, asking you is the tv really screaming you suck or is the tv really beating heavily...
all those fucking kids with the t-shirts that brag about their so-called voices, if they were in my place, would not know what to do. they don't have someone who is squeezing their hand and not holding it right. their lover isn't looking at them with eyes that say 'hey, you're here' when you've been there all along. sitting up straight forward fast in the middle of the night and you have to tell them, mostly asleep, that it's okay, pull them back down, i know it feels weird but it's okay, it's going to be okay.
i love you. i didn't mean to scare you that minute, after you said your chest was feeling heavy, the same words her dad said right before he died, and then you paused your breath. i'm not scared of my own breath or heart stopping anymore, but i am scared of yours.
i wasn't scared then, but i am now. when i'm not there, when i can't be there, someone for you to hold during freakouts, that is when i am the most upset. knowing you're alone with it. i can't stand it.
if this is what i 'put up with' as a compromise for being able to be with someone who so perfectly complements myself, and vice versa, then i would take you any time. this i can handle, i can handle this well, as long as you'll let me be there. i've known that ever since i first got to know you. i've known it for certain ever since i admitted i loved you. i don't know if it would, but just please, please, please, don't let anything in your head ever push me away.
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2007 27 November :: 9.41 pm
:: Music: concertina
odd how quickly i moved back into my normal thought progression and life. maybe because i am busy again; if this had happened this week, instead of last, would i have been as worried?
i feel relieved, but a little more naive and empty than before. well, more like i have realized how idealistic and naive i can be at times. i did learn something about myself, though, and about others. you should not judge someone on things like that, you know.
i just feel a bit dissapointed now. when i am on my back falling asleep, and my hands lie on my lower stomach, and i know for sure that anything inside there is just shit and guts and blood. just my own empty self.
if it happens for real later on, i will just let it be.
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2007 26 November :: 2.11 pm
well, no babies for me. i guess that's a good thing, though i was suprisingly dissapointed last night. what on earth put me so out of character throughout this whole thing? what on earth made me change my mind? maybe that little voice is right, i'm just not very good at killing things.
either way i never should have gotten so worked up about it. worrying over something i knew wasn't worth the worrying. but, things happen, and compounded with an overabundance of free time and nothing to focus my thoughts on, things were just psychosomatically made worse. eugh.
is nine dollars too much for a little peace of mind?
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2007 25 November :: 3.13 pm
why now? why this weekend? this was supposed to be my week off from stress, dammit.
I CAN'T STANDS BEING IN LIMBO FOR MUCH LONGER, GUHSFLD;FJIJOSF!!!!!!!!!!! i need to know! where is that boy?!
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2007 7 November :: 8.35 pm
always shadows on the wall, always shadows on the ceiling, whenever i'm not looking.
i woke up this morning, opposite. i fell asleep last night in tears, realizing what i had been thinking was wrong. to let you go for something small like that is not right. the most important, most very important thing by far, is still there, making me smile when i think of you, skipping a heartbeat when i remember that it's youyouyou who's holding my hand.
and if there -is- something little that's wrong, then i want you to help me fix it. this is us, not me. if it was just my own head, i would leave you out of it, gladly, you don't have to read my mind every minute -- i could fix it on my own -- et cetera. but really i just have to remember you.
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2007 28 October :: 10.47 am
i feel sick, icky.
i miss that kid too much right now. i shouldn't be feeling like i'm going to start crying any second. i should be able to go on with my day like i usually do without him there. i can do that every other day of the week, right? what the hell is wrong with me? i just fucking saw him last night! ugh!!! this is so stupid.
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2007 23 October :: 10.13 pm
you know what? fuck it. i wish she would, i wish she would, only because she will never know what it's like to consider anyone else. to not be selfish and attention-grabbing. she will only cause damage to anyone else she knows, and will never learn.
i dare you. go where i've been, i fucking dare you, so you will know what real shame and pathetic feeling in its entirety is. i can't even speak, can't say this right, all she brings out in me is bad feelings, bad memories, bad emotions, bad vibes, bad words. not my responsibility.
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2007 22 October :: 11.44 pm
while i adore the friends i've made, and that i do make every time i go out to one of these...
i still miss the friends i made back when we were all little weenies, all unknowns. we're all working and living so separately and so consumed with our lives. i keep thinking some day it'll be like it used to be again, that this is temporary, but it's looking and feeling like we're all just getting so distant from each other more and more. and i feel like this.. is too much my own fault, in some parts.
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2007 22 October :: 8.24 pm
singing alone, ultimatum for loneliness. aloneness. i only do this when no one is around, and no one is around. i don't know if anyone will ever know because it doesn't leave anything behind.
every now and then i will get that ultimate sense of aloneness, that singularity when all you have is yourself. it's stronger now, after i've lived and breathed and eaten every moment along side someone, and then left to be one and on my own again. it's quieter, my throat hurts more, i sing more, i don't change for anyone, and i have tears in my sleep. i notice, now, that he's not there, when he's not there. a sick knot in my throat when i have to leave, but i'm still okay.
and i still hate her.
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