standing right whereyouare, you'll be half of whatyouwere
Mostly, as she lies in the furnace room by a wall of drifting cinders, or out on the roof under a blanket of stars, Jobhi thinks about all those times she spent with her (you:a312000), all the days, nights, and inbetweens where converstion hung heavy between the two, and fond memories, bitter despair drifted comfortablypainfully in the unbroken air. The joy of mere company, the reassurance of presence. The comforting hope of mere thought of her

and

the bitter taste of iron and the brun of sawed steel, fresh from the teeth. Polaroids and trinkets of memory smouldering sullenly on a dying fire in the boiler room, down far below with the hum of fans and the light of stars and fire, where she, she, the myrmidon, the broken one, b20114, sat before the fire with a cigarrette in her mouth and a gun to her head.

e312521, the anti-equillibrium, Erin, tinged in black and white, ash and metal, guntohead, knifetothroat

two caught in a pushandpull

Jobhi sighs, exhaling the smells of autumn, cold air on the move, a slight pang of chilled oxygen.

She wears the key, still, 'round her neck, in hopes of finding a passage, a door, a sign, God, anything down in those labrythine depths, those terrible, hauntng mazes consturcted before Jacal, but ruled by him nonetheless, damned lackey, 01:40261, Erin's.

She's lain on the other side of this door and that, proverbial and real, listening to you as you drifted far, far beyond her reach; pained by this, and pained by her inabilty to grasp the knob, turn the key, and pull, so simple a chain of actions that would lead to you--yetshewasunable.

She despairs that it was he who forced his way to you, that she, always the timid one, always the first to cry, was unable to reach you.

She remembers the sound of a knife scraping, wishing desperately she had no promised him no harm would come to her by her own blade and hand again

she remembers the sound and remembers how much it hurt, how she felt the pain, and wished she had the physical marks, the blood, to show for it; the scars on her arms and the scars on her heart, she wished so deeply she could bear them outwardly for you to see

to see

to see that she is very much a part ofyou, and you ofshe, to see that she wants to share all your hopes, your joys, your suffering, your pain; she wants to drift there alongside you, she wants to hurt as you hurt, the empathise

completely
and

utterly

her heartstops, skips a beat, fastforwardpause, when she hears these things;

the drinking the forcedencouragedwhat? drinking, she wants to slam those bottles into her own head, over DL's head, have those very same constructed shards of glass shattered into her body glassandalcohol stinging she wants to

send splinters of coloured glass into her hands, her hands to useless to reach out and save you

hands that are inneffectual

hands that have failed her time
andtime

after time

and again




she wants to reel withyou, drunkandsick, lying in a corner surrounded by unfamiliar, hostile faces; not a phone call away, but there besideyouwithyou, holding you in her

and thoughts of holding you close cascade down...

head in your lap a painful night long ago in a basement far away, hearing of like violation, sharing in the sorrowcomfort of -you'vebeentheretoo-

she wants to smashandtear and destroy the lyingbastard faces of those who inflicted such injury upon you

--timid touches, wanting so badly to just pull you close, but afraid, somehow

so she lay, she lay that night of cross country emergency calls and gutwrenchinghurt, she lay with you, backtoback, so safe, so reassured; she sat awake and alone, watching you sleep, reassured, at least, that she could watch over you in your sleep, guard you from the unseen but nonetheless known and heard

arm in arm walking under stars under clouds through ruins and factories

lying beside you, sitting by the wall near yuour bed as you lay in pain and sickness; wishing she could share it with you, but at the least, there for you, although you knew it not in your sleep

lying with you in bed, waking in the night to find you there, beside her; waking later with her arms around you, caressingholdingkeeping you safe.. unsure if she should pullback, return to herself, keep her undeserving arms from wrappng around you to keep you safe.. yet unable to leave; then guilt, adn worry of upsetting you

lying coutnless times afterward together, watching over you as you slept, or waking with you beside her, reciprocated

small bites and kisses on her neck, which she smiles to remember even now





a sigh, then; Jobhi

the guiltanddoubt,t he wanting to do the right thing

the wanting to be the better of the two for you; the want to be your constellation, not he yours

wanting so many selfish things for good reasons, pure reasons

wanting to pullyouaway, bringyouhome


Wanting to make you see


but timid, crying, as she is, she fears still

doing the wrong, mistaken, fuckingup again, pulling you away from one who will change for the better after all (although she does not believe he will; rotrotrot and damned decay, the two of you--she wants to save you from that)


when you poisoned your lungs with tar smoke nicotene, she wanted to flood her breath with the same, wanted to chokecough reek the same as you wanted to share that

and the same when you drank yourself dizzy; desptie her disgust of the alcohol, the foxes and the laurels, she wanted to share in that, just so that she could be there with you

--