--

:: 2005 13 September :: 9.37am

you failed, you failed, jeannette, you've slipped and let all of them fall, too, oh, how you have failed

:: 2005 11 September :: 9.32am

000213a, more dreams of you, but i can barely hold onto them, hardly hold the feeling in my hands

dammit. i can feel it slipping away, when i want, need to remember

:: 2005 11 September :: 9.16am

but if the silence takes me, i hope it takes you too
alone on a train aimless in wander
an outdated map crumpled in my pocket
but i didn't care where i was going
'cause they're all different names for the same place

the coast disappeared when the sea drowned the sun
and i knew no words to share it with anyone
the boundaries of language i silently cursed
and all the different names for the same thing

:: 2005 9 September :: 11.13am

halfthemeasure of your blindintent
she challenged everyone to a fight
but the people all backed down
and they ran her out of town

:: 2005 6 September :: 10.02pm

every town has a corner where i'll meet you

:: 2005 1 September :: 9.12am

i'm lucky i can open the door and walk
down the street--unlucky
i've got no place to go so--
i'll follow my feet
--the choice is facing you, a healthy dose of pain
the choice is facing you, as you stare through the rain

:: 2005 28 August :: 9.00pm

such dreams, the past two nights. such nightmares, i'd say, nearly.

twonightsago
jenna, i followed you. you and i, our two families, were gathered in a room, eating dinner, i think. you left at one point, and i waited for you to come back.. and you didn't. so i went to search for you. when i found you, you were outside, sitting alone along the top railing of a fence. i stood on the ground, looking up, tried to talk. i'd done something wrong, horribly wrong, though, terribly regrettable, because you would hardly speak to me, but quietly, notquitecoldlybut emotionlesslycondemning. criticisms for faults and slights completely unseen and unintended, but committed nonetheless. you left one more, and i followed once more. i followed you to a pylon tower, and walked up, steps behind you, several stories high, until

you turned and i was at the edge suddenlysomehow and you

pushed me backwards

i don't remember hitting or the landing or the crunchingcompression of flesh and blood

but i do remember that it was all an intensesicknearlybutnotquite chartreuse yellow, black chains abound and swinging in the stairwell of the pylon tower

...the second dream will come tomorrow, then

:: 2005 27 August :: 3.48pm

000213a, dreamt again of you, last night

i've got to tell you

:: 2005 27 August :: 3.16pm

heldtransfixed by feardreadmemories today as i heard a siren wailingscreaming down the roadnearthehouse and comingcoming closerandcloserandcloserand

then it faded and i let my pentupbreath out slowly wracked by the remembrance of

thatsaturday a year ago

in two days it will have been an exact year

and

:: 2005 26 August :: 10.49am

The Sun Goes Up and the Sun Goes Down..
memories of travelling fast over four wheels over pavement you at my side you at my back the tinged golden amber brightdead sunlight direct in my eyes washing over bodies over faces framing the trees the feelings of that song grinding away in the cogs the gears of my mind lodging somewhere between my shoulder blades such a feeling like a twitiching a flicking of the strings holding me here jerking me into a convulsive wonderful dance so uncoordinated and raw staring into the sun

:: 2005 26 August :: 9.50am
:: Music: Oh No No Not Another One

8/24 Journaling
Dreams last night, and earlymorninglatenight waking. 3:30, again, hello familiartime, hello liar. Forced ymself back to sleep, only to dream of you, of me. We were in a haus--house? I was distanced from you by some fivethreemaybemore? feet and you were distanced from me by coives and footseps--all around you, hauntingand taunting, closing in. Haunting, taunting, but not really there. I couldn't reach you, couldn't share the same twingeswellrush of panic and sick fear, dread. I couldn't even hold you. I couldn't reassure--only ask, Can you hear them, still? Can you hear them? Makes me sick, makes me scared, leaved me with doubtmemories I never want to experience again--but would, oh but that for you I would, again and again until there's ~~nothing left of me~~. Grasping, dragging, I won't let you go, ever, and I'll tear down those voices with my own hands, next time. I couldn't stop them. I couldn't stop them in my dreams (not; fears), but I'll stop them in yours, for you I will.

:: 2005 17 August :: 8.39am

did you think that you would be saved
by burning flags to cleanse yourselves of shame?
or are you afraid, are you afraid
as you stare back at your face?

:: 2005 17 August :: 8.23am

they had themselves a party at the point of a gun

:: 2005 17 August :: 8.16am

But you and I, we'll die by these rules, and we'll suffocate under the weight of this paradigm. Change, change, change. Please grant me change, and the means to snatch up the opportunity thereof. I, we, need this. Let us go, please?

:: 2005 17 August :: 8.15am

My sister will live like this, then. And my mother, and my father. But I can't. and you can't.

So, we'll wait and we'll see. Run.

:: 2005 17 August :: 8.01am

Oh, Jeannette, you're the bastard come calling again.