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All over a bowl of bitter beans

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:: 2009 12 November :: 11.00am
:: Mood: blank

I am really trying.. very hard, actually, to become consistent.

In all ways. Mostly in my personality, and with my friends and loved ones.

But.. in the midst of all of this shit, I realize a lot of things I never ever wanted to realize. Things about my mom, things and people I am not sure I want to believe. Who really knows who's right in their ways? I sure don't. I can say the stress is wearing on me, but I'm trying to stay positive. I just feel bad for my Shane. Poor guy has to deal with MY shit all day every day.. but you know what's even more weird? The guy doesn't care that I go nuts sometimes, or if I we end up screaming at each other, it doesn't matter to him.

I wish I knew how to fix me, rather than telling others to change themselves.

The other day at my house I had said something crude, (probably because I was pissed about something else).. and the friend my mom had over goes, "why the hell are you even with her, dude?" And without an ounce of hesitation he goes,
"Because she's worth it. To me - she's worth it." I sit there in awe. I wasn't even sure why. My mom just smiled.
I felt a sort of relief. I think I'm scared. Of what? School, work, finishing what I'm starting, getting a good paying job, not getting stuck where I'm at, my mom's decisions, my mom and I getting that one house, or not getting anything at all, writing that paper, paying that loan, all of the uncertainty. I want consistency, and I'm not at all sure how to get it.

I'm selling my camera, unfortunately. I'm sad, but I'm more anxious than anything. I need to pay off a lot. I've gotten myself into a bind, and it's my fault. My mom's angry because it's what I always wanted, but I can't change my bills. It would help.

Shane will be gone this week, so I plan to hang out with friends, his mom, and hopefully my mom makes some time for me too. I have no money, but we'll figure a way.

I had a job interview, got it, but left it. School's too much for me, and they're giving me an extra day next week at my other job. It probably would've been nice - the extra money, but I can't close 'til midnight. Oh well. I'll find something.

I miss my grandma, and my brother. Maybe I'll go downtown and visit my sister and Brayden. I feel so detached lately. It's beginning to suck. Jim and I are going for dinner later, and Shane has a test to take at 2.
Alicia's coming tomorrow.. I can't even wait. I miss her so much.
I want to take pictures, and listen to music, and drive around, and go for coffee, and walk in the cold with our sweatshirts and coats, and talk for hours about everything and nothing, while still having the best time of our lives.

I miss those times. We will definitely be downtown Holland this holiday season - so, everyone watch your backs. Leesh and I will most likely be down there strutting our stuff. :) I miss those times. I hope they come back this year. And.. hope my car runs safely all the way there. Either way, it's okay.

I got a couple christmas presents out of the way. My dad's getting something really special this year - his own personalized model locomotive (he's a model train buff). My mom's getting cool stuff, I have Leesh halfway done.. and everyone else is still in think-mode. I have a tough time with not over-spending. I love buying for people though.

And I love the feeling of the holidays.



:: 2009 28 October :: 11.58pm
:: Mood: stressed

It's all about dreams - it's all about making the best out of everything. You'll know when you're fine, 'cause you'll talk like a mime..
If only I could figure out what I wanted to do in life.
I seriously thought I was on the right track, and knew what I wanted.. but everything changes so fast. I can't help but be stressed out.

Anyone that knows me - what can you see me doing?

I've made a couple good decisions, but it's not all adding up how I would like. I don't have the grades for certain things, or the patience.

I'm leaning towards one of my first choices - Pharmacy Tech, or my newfound interest - Radiologic Technologist.

I'm at a fork and it seems impossible.
Say-say-say-say-say-say it.

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:: 2009 16 October :: 10.37pm
:: Mood: irritated

Sometimes I just can't anymore.

I know you would understand.

My brain just doesn't work like it used to.

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:: 2009 19 September :: 12.35am

It's kinda late.
Well, for me at least. I'm usually lame and go to bed really early. My body's just used to it on the weekends from working opening shifts, I think.
Everything's set with college, hopefully. I start next Monday. (I know, late start, right?) I'm kinda excited.. and I'm kinda not sure what to expect. Good and bad thing, I guess.
I still need a backpack. I'm absolutely in love with this Dakine bag. It's got all this watercolor on it. It's sweeeet, but way expensive. Not like it matters to anyone.. but hey.

So, I hung out with Leesh today. We had a loaaad of fun. I can't wait to see her again.. already. I hate when she leaves.. :( I miss her a lot.

Oh yeah, Arby's officially sucks. They dropped my pay and cut me to crew.

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:: 2009 5 September :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: blank

Bitching solves nothing.
I'm sick of bitching and the aftermath. I'm such a sour person sometimes.
Sorry, guys.

I should feel lucky. I have a job, a future, a few bucks..
I'm trying to keep things on the bright side from now on. Without prozac. Without bitching. Without jumping to conclusions, etc.

Clean the damn slate.

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:: 2009 3 September :: 5.02pm

It's in your face,
It's in your hands,
It's in the air,
But you can't breath it.
You're not the one I used to know.
Gone to your head..


I'm not sure I know what to do at this point. I start Baker in a few weeks, and I'm not completely sure what I want. At all.
For anything right now.
My mom put a bid on a house two days ago. I'm on the mortgage, so it's supposed to be exciting. We're probably going to get it. Hopefully.
I still miss Holland, and sometimes I still wonder what might of happened if I were to never move here. The memories are always nice.
I saw Alicia yesterday. I missed her. I don't see her as much as I should.
I almost quit Arby's. It's impossible to leave..
I've been feeling anxious again lately. I can't figure it all out again.
It's definitely getting old. I hate my reoccuring thoughts, as I always have.

I want contentment. And, it's my issue.

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:: 2009 13 June :: 11.08am

Dear Leesh,

My schedule this week is as follows..

Today = 6-11 at arby's and 12-7 at the mill.
Tomorrow = 7-11 at the arby's unless they want me longer..
Monday 6/15 = 3-10 at the g-mill.
Tuesday and Wednesday off!!
Thursday = 11-2 Arby's
Friday off!!
Saturday and Sunday = the same as this weekend.

Come see me or I'll come see you. Call/text me or I will call/text you.

Love ya

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:: 2009 23 March :: 1.24pm
:: Mood: amused

Haha. I think it's still funny. I really really do.
I love how people just keep on keepin' on.
I mean, here I am at CC waiting for my class to start, and all I have to do is meander around online looking at all of the stupid idiotic people on facebook. Yep, we've all got one. Personally, it's creepy as all hell, but it's a good source of entertainment. (I HATE MY LAPTOP) sorry, anyways, now that I've stopped deleting every one of my meaningless sentences..
Hm. I just find it hilarious that girls think it's awesome to be rail thin, drink and smoke their asses off (wow, hypocritical..), find out who's breaking up with who, make drama even though they think they're being all cute, fuck guys left and right and wonder why they're getting fucked over themselves? Hah. Haha.
Go eat a cheese burger.

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:: 2009 15 January :: 6.46pm
:: Music: Blue October - Ugly Side

I'm living just to watch it all go by.
I only want you to see
My favorite part of me,
And not my ugly side..
Not my ugly side.

Hook up a C.B. Wave a way
For conversation flow.
I'm shoved in your cave, to wage this rage..
Don't let me go.
A kick and a scream is all that seems
To mean a lot thus far.
I won't let you on my stage, my page..
You can't know.
Yet you have to know.

I think it is ridiculously hilarious how people just keep going with the shit that they know is fake, and the shit that they know is digging themselves deeper and deeper in. I think it's so funny, too, that they keep fucking people over with the same worn-out, obvious bull-shit that they have been using for years.
So funny.

It'll come back to them someday in some shape or form. No worries about that one.

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:: 2009 9 January :: 9.57pm
:: Mood: exanimate
:: Music: Staind - Tangled Up In You

I don't understand it.
I seriously do not get it.
Why do I act like this? And why the hell do I feel like I can't get away from this FEELING?
It's beginning to go around in circles, and then back around for one more swing. To laugh at me, to poke fun at me.
It's not funny. It really is not funny. Life, you're really starting to irritate me. You really, really do sometimes. It's not funny anymore.

Hey, I know it makes no sense. I really know, I totally do.
I feel like I'm going crazy over here, trust me.
I don't even know why I'm typing, to be honest. I just need some sort of outlet, I guess. Some form of communication from myself, with myself so that I can read back all of the things I wrote the previous day and wonder if I'm really here or there.

I am feeling so ridiculously at the end of my wits. I don't know what to do about it, or where to go, or who to be with, or to even look at myself in the mirror when I wake up in the morning.
If this is some stage in life to 'find out who I am', it's not funny. Not anymore. Life, you need to just stop. For one second, let me catch up, and maybe I'll be able to give you what you want in turn for some peace of mind.

AND now I feel like I'm repeating myself endlessly. Just to sit back and realize that what I'm writing now is what I've always been writing, just slightly off key. Just a tid-bit different. Not by much, but enough to make a new post all about it.
Sometimes I disgustingly hate my ability to dig deep into the abyss of all that is 'me'. I know that I'm not the perfect girl. I know some people might not like me, and some people might even feel like they know me. Well, maybe they do. Maybe they've gotten to the bottom of the bottle. I hope they tell me what's going on down there, at the end of the tunnel! It better be a huge party.

I can't stand not knowing what's going to happen. I know it's strange. But life is full of that, and all of its 'surprises' and shit.
I'm starting to think that's why life's getting to me lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting around wallowing in my own self-pity.. okay. Nevermind, I probably am. And it's getting old, even to me. The person who's doing the wallowing.

I'm getting desperate here.
Someone - with some good fucking advice, tell me WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
And the sad thing is.. I am being completely serious with all of this.

I just really want to know what someone else has to say.

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:: 2008 26 December :: 4.48pm

For Jo-Jo
...What I got for Christmas.
From my mom, Shane, my grandma, Shane's mom, and Shane's grandma..

1. My baby, aka the Nikon D60
2. A fire topaz ring from Shane.
3. A purple-ish, cool sweater
4. A pair of jeans
5. 2 pairs of slippers
6. A HUGE blanket with a super-soft body pillow that I cuddled last night.
7. Another home-made blanky.
8. 2 Toblerone candy bars..
9. An awesome robe with stars on it.
10. Pj's
11. 2 memory cards for my camera.

..annd that's it, I think.
More than what I asked for, definitely!

Off to Holland now for the weekend.
Friends are what I need.

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:: 2008 22 December :: 9.12am
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: Whatever You Like - TI

Patron on ice, we can pop bottles all night..
Baby, you can have whatever you liiiiike!

SO! News.

I couldn't take it anymore. 'It' meaning my life.
And I had the perfect plan, but it was taking place too far into the future, sooo I changed that plan. I went and got the christmas present I was going to buy later, but bought for myself last night..


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:: 2008 20 December :: 9.50pm
:: Mood: stressed

I hate all the people who can't drive their cars..
Bitch, you better get out of the way before I start falling apart..
What a day. Really. I don't think I've ever had such a busy day at work.
We even ran out of coffee, and if you worked at my Arby's.. well, you'd know that we never have gotten the business to run out of CAFFEINATED.
But yeah, I was stressed to the max. I walked out on everyone, I felt like. But at that point in time.. I just couldn't think to do anymore. I know you've all had the feeling.

I went out with my boyfriend's mom tonight, as his best friend is in town. I felt a lot better after that. We got coffee-drinks, shopped, and gabbed like two.. I don't even know, we just made good conversation. Much needed conversation. I swear, I just don't feel social lately.
Could be all the hustle and bustle of the holiday fast-approaching? I dunno. Whatever it is, it needs to stop. Plus, I think I know my cure for my 'not-wanting-to-be-around-anyone', and that is my best friend, Alicia Marie, and my dad. I cannot wait for my 3-day mini-vay-cay next weekend. Christmas at my daddi-o's, then time with Alicia.
**ALICIA! Clear your schedule!! We're goin' out!!**
I need a cocktail.

In other news, I've got all of my x-mas shopping complete. Yes, everything.
Well, besides my own gift :P I'm ordering that one on Christmas Eve after I pay off my credit card :o Dangerous pieces of plastic, dammitall.
God, 4 days away from Christmas. Time fuckin' flies, I'm tellin' ya.

*end of the day sigh*
Night-Night. Hillary's hittin' the sack at 10pm.
Over and outie.

**PS: Joey, I completely understand what you mean, man.
Your post says it all, says it ALL.

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:: 2008 8 December :: 5.08pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: Dave Gahan - Kingdom

I'm actually feeling pretty good today, among all the other days in which.. well, I didn't.
But yeah. Today's okay. I don't know if it's the holiday-season thing setting in, because usually that puts me in a decent mood. The snowed-in for the night feeling, and the good 'ol hot chocolate to warm up with. Okay, I got it from Starbuck's, but it works!! I think Swiss Miss is better anyway.
I've got most of my Christmas shopping done. Just need to make a few more stops, and then I'm all set. I've spent wayyy too much money. And I think I'm going to start saving up for the camera I want, as a little x-mas present for myself. :P I'm starting to irritate myself with all the sitting and 'not knowing what to do-ing," so I figure a camera will do the trick.
Has anyone else thought about how old we've all gotten recently? I start thinking about it around the end of the year each and every year. I guess it's hard not to. I just feel.. not like a kid, yet kind of like a kid. I'm on the edge, you know? It's weeeeird. I'm in college, I've got a car, I've got a job, and some money, but hey, at least I still live with my mom! It keeps me grounded, haha. Sometimes I just feel like I should have did more to enjoy my childhood. Not like.. 2 years ago, I mean when I was a lot younger. It's just hard to think about when I sit here, and want so badly for it to come back to me. But if things were different back then, then there would be change in the present, and I don't think I'd much want that either. So, I guess I'm at a loss.

I just miss Christmas at Grandma's.
Not the housing-unit she's in now, but HER house. The beautiful red-brick's against the pure white snow. The smell of freshly baked cookies and spiced candles when you walked through the door on Christmas morning. Everyone was happy, everyone wanted to give you the world. No one was hurting in any way, they made it all disappear for that one special day. Presents piled under her signature white christmas tree, with the glistening red lights and velvet ornaments. All the smiles, and the laughter rang throughout. Sitting beneath the tree with my cousins, trying to guess what each present was.
I guess to me, it just doesn't feel real anymore. The only thing I get from it now is a faint feeling sparked from my grandma's warm smile when she greets me at the door of her 1 bedroom apartment. We eat, unwrap the presents, and everyone rushes out. They all have better things to do, I suppose. It just makes me wonder 'what if'?
But hey, things are this way for a reason, right?
I hope so.

2009, please bring me good change.
More of my friends, more of the things that matter, and more unfading happiness.
More of this:

.. If anything at all, just give me something beautiful to grow from the grey.

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:: 2008 20 November :: 5.52pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: Same Mistake - James Blunt

I can't seem to get away.
I have been trying and trying, trying so goddamn hard to get away from the truth that I fear.
I don't want to go to the doctor, I don't want to talk to a psychiatrist again. Last time I did that I got medication that only helped for a month or two. I don't think depression is my problem, and it's scary.
I don't want to know what it is that I've got, because I fear what I have. I have for years. Since everything has happened, and all of these things I notice, I just.. I am scared of myself.
I really am. I don't know what will happen if I let it go again. I don't want to know.
I'm trying to get the nerve to go in, and not for me. Definitely not for me, because if it were up to me I'd let it go until it got too bad. I want to do this because I don't want my relationships to get any more strained, and hard to keep together. It's become hard for me to keep them going. Even with my family. But the one's I care about most right now are Alicia and Shane. My family will always be there to a point, and that is good enough support for me.
My god, I feel so selfish. I've done this over and over again.
Something has to work.
I saw the world turning in my sheets, and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet.
Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go..
Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy, but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.
And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night.
Said he'd seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me,
So I set out to cut myself and here I go..
And maybe someday we will meet,
And maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises because there are no promises I keep.
And my reflection troubles me, so here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason, but don't give me choice.
Because I'll just make the same mistake again.

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:: 2008 16 November :: 10.40pm
:: Mood: indescribable

There's someone in my head and it's not me.
I cannot believe it. Still. To this day. I cannot believe that I'm comfortable enough to call my dad. So much has changed. I never thought.. No. I really never thought that I would see him. It got to the point that I just.. I didn't see it happening. Maybe once, maybe in the future, but it just seemed so neverending. I thought of him every single day, and it killed me. Now it kills me to walk away, get in my car, and drive the 50 miles back home. It's not far, but to me it seems like a million miles. That infinite amount of miles that had always been between us. I can't begin to explain myself, just as he can't.
We just stand there, stare like we know eachother from somewhere, but can't pin point where we met. It's not awkward. I just don't know who he is.
We hugged when I left on Friday night. I had work the next morning. I felt the tears come up, but they went away. We stood in the drive for about 5 minutes with our arms around eachother. Felt like a lifetime. I just closed my eyes, and traced my memories for another memory similar to the one being made. I can't tell anyone, even myself, how I feel right now. I couldn't tell you if it's good or bad. And really, it has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. I just.. felt like writing about him, because.. well, I can now. Maybe it just spurred a few thoughts, and all of a sudden I felt like typing about him because I guess, well, I feel like I can. We can't make up for all of the lost time, and there's no sense in trying. Sure, I'll talk about my past and he'll talk about some of his. I don't mind. I don't care what he talks about as long as I hear his voice. I was so scared to call him the first time. It's strange, but I was terrified that I'd forgotten what his voice sounded like. Now I can remember. It's gotten so much easier. I just can't believe I am where I'm at.
I have a wonderful boyfriend, I have an amazing best friend, I have everything that I truly want. I'm not entirely content with myself, but I'm working on it. Really hard, actually. Everything is completely different from last year, and the year before that. I'm in college and I hate it, but that's okay. I'll likely live. I want to be a dental hygienist, because I feel like I'll be good at nit-picking through people's teeth. Not really sure if it's what I'll love to do, but I always have my hobbies. And of course, I'll eventually be able to afford a new camera with the paycheck.
I can't wait for Shane to come back home.
I miss him being around. My house isn't enjoyable anymore, and I can't handle it. I just wish it were. I wish things would go back to normal in my head, but they don't seem to want to.
I'll sleep on it again. Maybe things will rearrange. But hey, I've been hoping that for a few years now.
It could be that my sister is living with my mom and I. I love her and my nephew to death. It's just stressful. Have to get away every once in a while, then it's okay. And it really could be that my only brother is facing a minimum of 7 years in prison. Why do things have to happen this way? I never understood why things play out the way the do, and I guess I just dismissed it after it didn't matter anymore. It must be the best, right?
Just have to keep telling myself that, and keep on sleeping on it.
I'll learn to appreciate the way life plays out, and to reason out with myself when I think it's wrong.

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:: 2008 30 September :: 2.35pm

So, I got a tattoo last night. Cool experience, actually. The artist was really nice. It's not what I really wanted in general, but he drew it out for me, and I thought it was neat. It's growing on me, and I think I'm going to add onto it anyways. Tell me what you think.. honestly!!


Anyways, life's been pretty boring as of lately. Just working the arby's, and.. uhm, hanging out with Shane. That's basically it. Cannot wait to go out and do something different for a change. aghh.
well, I smell like stale curly fries and week-old roast beef, so I'm gonna.. well, i'm sure you know the drill.

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:: 2008 26 September :: 6.13pm
:: Music: psycho - puddle of mudd

Maybe I'm the one who is a schizophrenic psycho..
So, I hate this. Well, my one college class I decided to start out with. It blows, fer real. It reminds me wayyyy too much of high school, and that was a major fear of mine when going into college.
Oh well, if I wanna make something of myself, which I do, then I'll have to suffer. Plus, the 3-5 year waiting list to get into the nursing program.. ugh, fuck me. but hey, I guess I can just work, make some money. doesn't sound TOO bad.

Man, I have been in the worst moods lately. Don't know what it is. I haven't been taking my meds like I usually do.. so I dunno. That could be why I feel like ripping everyone to shreds. I'm not usually that bad with this stuff, but dang. I need to calm down, or take a tranquilizer. geesh.

I took about 5 days off from work the first week of October, though. I'm super-excited. I'm going to Holland, staying with my dad. (damn, it feels good to say that) Maybe go to dinner, shop a little bit with Leesh. I dunno, I'm just gonna relax and do whatever I feel like. Besides sleep, 'cause that's all I feel like doing lately. Maybe I'm getting sick, who knows?

Anyways, I'm goin' out to Honeycreek to see my mom, then to meijer's to buy oil for my car that burns it in about 2 days, annnnd then maybeee.. a movie or somethin'?
I'll update this thing more. I actually missed spewing life's events onto it. I feel better already.

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:: 2008 4 July :: 11.03pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: Nothing. Shane's watching Robot Chicken. :P

New stuff.
Well, I don't really feel like actually updating, buuuut, I'll add some pictures and write some captions for them to give a little bit of an update of some sort..

..here goes nothin'

I got a new car! well, new to me. I finally can drive around anytime I feel like it. :P mostly to work, but hey, it makes me look good, haha.

Haha, Leesh and I downtown Saugatuck. We were being goofs that day, Shane was behind the cam on this one. :P

Now Leesh's work behind the cam. :D She does good. haha, we were trying to be serious. I thought it was cute.

A while ago Leesh and I went to Denny's.. I have about 8 different shots of her doing this, hahah. She's adorable. :D

The Hillary trademark. Foot in Face.

haha, this was last night. I kept bugging him nonstop. :P we always have a good time doing absolutely nothing.

My mom snapped this of us today. I call it the squish-face.

Last but not least, my nephew, Brayden. One of the cutest babies ever. :) here's proof:

There ya go. A little picture update for everyone who reads this thing.
The foot one is for you, Leesh. :D hahah.

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:: 2008 21 June :: 12.03am
:: Mood: exhausted

I friggin' love being out of high school, and summer, and Alicia and Thad, and Shane, andddd drinking water after pilates, and having a car :D
I'm tired though, annnnd I really wanna hang with alicia again.

Oh hey, JOEY + flying to michigan NOW = :D
I wish.

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