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:: 2012 1 November :: 1.29 am

Just had a fantastic night with friends sharing secrets and being positive. I feel connected. This This This.

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:: 2012 20 August :: 12.39 am

Well, that took an unexpectedly expected turn in which I am single forever.

I just don't want no one else.

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:: 2012 1 August :: 8.12 am

Wave of mutilation
I don't know what I'm doing

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:: 2012 23 July :: 10.47 pm

"He thinks I'm the greatest"
Let's be real. This journal is for the real shit. This is for the soul mates. I think I am getting my soul mate energy back.

I possibly kissed the greatest kisser in the entire world on my 25 birthday.

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:: 2012 6 June :: 9.31 pm

Breakfast at Tiffany's
And now that I have had time to calm down and sit down and sit out
I have to accept the realization that I miss you and it sucks
because you are most likely most definitely not missing me.
This is a tough pill to swallow.

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:: 2012 28 April :: 2.41 am

Never hang out with people you once dated.. it will make you feel nostalgic and stupid.

I had forgotten that it was good once.


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:: 2012 22 April :: 10.44 pm

What a well kept secret!

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:: 2011 24 December :: 12.51 am

but, honestly
I mean.. life is great. I am going to Israel. I got them digits. Whatever

But, sometimes, this sucks this sucks this sucks this sucks

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:: 2011 20 November :: 7.58 pm

I think he loves me. I've wanted this for the past 7.5 years... right? I don't know why I am so sad.

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:: 2011 8 November :: 11.31 pm

I don't want to ruin this before it even happens. I want this time to be different. I want to feel like this time could be different. It has to be different sometime right? I am just so mired in these negative automatic thoughts. Need to think that this could be the thing that turns everything around. Not, get ready for another disaster. I have to be open. No assuming. Be open. Anything can happen. I can be happy. I can fall in love. I can be with someone who thinks I am worth loving. I am worth loving. (Isn't that the crux of it?)

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:: 2011 5 November :: 8.49 am

Okay, 0 to 60 and 60 to 0 in 5 seconds. Okay, if his only purpose was to help me put D in a box and realize that I could do better, well, then, D'yanu.

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:: 2011 3 November :: 9.44 pm

If you go, I will surely die
What is this journal for, if not for extremes? I'm starting to feel this swelling in my heart and it is scaring me. Let me preface this by saying, that I know I am fantastical and that I idealize and that I am in love with the idea of love. Blahblahblah. But oh my god, it has been so long since I have felt SOMETHING. And not that bland old something where I go, eh maybe I will give this a try even though I know it won't fit and it doesn't!! Way too big and baggy and unflattering. No no, this is something totally different. I felt a warm glow and a haze of red and I felt removed from my body and I just haven't felt this in too long. I hope this turns into something. i know it probably won't, but I hope it does. This could be us all the time. It could be so easy. I don't know dude I don't know, but my whole body is racing... He is like a fucking unicorn. THEY DO EXIST!

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:: 2011 23 August :: 12.54 am
:: Mood: jeffinducedpsychosis

This too shall pass
It is okay because the moments are getting fewer and farther between. He doesn't have to know you think about it sometimes. You are what you love, remember? It is just that every time I see one of those movies, it breaks me open again. I think, "that misguided couple could have been us." I used to light up. I was ready to stick it out, to rise to the occasion. He didn't let me and now I have to go on believing that I was foolish to believe so hard for so long. We are not going to be one of those couples that ends up together after an hour and a half of near misses. We just aren't going to end up together. I waited for the end of the movie. It happened. And that is why it is better that I never let you know that I still think about a surprise ending. Because that would just be too sad and I am too prideful and I know what would happen. Nothing. You walked away a long time ago. I'm just sitting here waiting for an encore. Just let it go. This pain is like a fucking phantom limb...(SO HEARTBROKEN, I'M MIXING METAPHORS)

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:: 2011 16 August :: 11.01 pm

Tomorrow has to wait!
I started typing this, but then my browser got messed up. Oh well, let's not dig into deep dark things. I will write about the original purpose of this entry. This summer has been so weird! Against all odds, I am sort of seeing someone. I haven't ended it! Every time I say I am going to end it, I don't! Who have I become? Someone who gives people chances? Perhaps, perhaps. I have no idea what I am doing.. this is totally new territory for me. I've been fighting this since it has started. But here I am, two months in. He is visiting home right now.. and I miss him. I was thinking, geez, I have to go a whole week without seeing him? Yikes. Him and his room mates are basically the only people I hang out with on a consistent basis. Thank god I am visiting Florida this week, otherwise I would be super bored. And I miss him, I do, but it is weird because I am not obsessed with him.. so even though our relationship is fucked up in a number of ways.. it is pretty healthy for me. New territory. I'm just working out some kinks. Despite my initial resistance, he has been helping me a lot with my relationship anxieties. I'm helping him with some stuff too. Right now, I just like him.. I don't know what I'm doing at all.. at all, but thank god for him because my summer/ life would have been super boring without him. yeah.....

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:: 2011 23 June :: 12.15 am

I can't write about this in my real journal because I can't lose it (because I paid a lot of money for it). Every time I write about this person.. I lose things (like my mind..)Tonight made me miss D and that suckssucksucks. I met a boy who really likes me and I have tried hard to take it day by day, but today I thought about D and the way he used to kiss me on the cheek in this really silly way. This guy doesn't play around.. he just wants to sleep with me. On some level, I get it, but on most levels.. once I know I know. I don't think that he is the person for me and having that knowledge makes it almost impossible for me to continue this. I was giving it a chance, but I think I am fooling myself here. I just have to let the kid down.. which will be not fun. I mean I have to consider the fact that I avoid potential boyfriends like the plague, but I really think I am right here. I am going to get so much shit for this...shit

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