:: 2008 27 December :: 4.31 am

Ha vindicated so many times over tonight. !!!!!

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:: 2008 4 December :: 12.05 am

I miss who I used to be-- what I used to mean to other people. to myself. But I'm a better person now. One drop of food coloring has been mixed in the water and I can't go back now--to be that. I just look at old pictures and I think wow I was vibrant and beautiful. and now I just think that I have a good head on my shoulders-- I make good decisions-- I think about right and wrong and about people and everything. I could be better too--always. I am smart and I work hard, but I am boring. I am old. I guess I miss being the center of attention, but I guess I am the center of attention in other ways now-- what I lack in social graces I make up for in the classroom. I don't really know who I like better. I just think things were much more simple back then when I was more simple--when I actually liked my old friends (some specifically) and that lifestyle. I don't like being frivolous anymore--I like goals and good decisions. I like tea and good conversation. I don't like to drink (too many calories, but can be fun sometimes) or smoke (who cares) or stay out too late (have to do work in the morning) . I like humor and being good at what I do. I don't like when people are oblivious. I was one of 13 people nominated in a 700 person class for phi beta kappa-- one of 4 females. I have an ambivalent attachment style (As adults, those with an ambivalent attachment style often feel reluctant about becoming close to others and worry that their partner does not reciprocate their feelings. This leads to frequent breakups, often because the relationship feels cold and distant. These individuals feel especially distraught after the end of a relationship.) I am cold and distant. I care about everyone and everything. I have no love life. I don't really know who to call my best friend anymore. I am a mixed bag. But I am really funny. and REALLY fucking good at what I do. I have adapted to my surroundings.

1 obsession | stalk me

:: 2008 19 November :: 8.17 pm

I'm feeling weird. Living in fantasies. You've got to love real people.

Okay actually I feel a little better.... but still a little stupid

BLAH stupid fantasies from freshman year that won't let me be!!!!

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:: 2008 27 September :: 4.50 pm

I think I have to write something. I have been trying to wrap my mind around a few things. I think I am generally okay, happy. whatever. I just still feel like this is not the me I am going to be. I am in some transition state.. still. Things still need to change, really. It comes out in spurts. I want to stop being so sarcastic.. even if it is funny. I agree with my dad.. what's the use. It is fucking negative speech .. just like gossip. You grow up in superficial raton and gossip is the norm. I don't want to be known as a gossip.. it is all empty. Or why be jealous.. instead of just being happy that someone else has found happiness. I still feel like there are so many negative emotions floating around me.. I want to be a positive person. I really do. I feel like I surround myself with negative people and I don't know how to deal with that. Perhaps, after college.. we can still be friends.. just not hang out every day. And then when I try to be positive or be happy about positive things.. it is like I am weird. I just want to appreciate simple things and nice people without having to make fun of everything. Some things are beautiful.. not funny. just nice. So I have to work all that out.
Plus, I don't really think I have any idea what I want to do with my life.. and it is becoming alarmingly clear as the days go by. I just want to be able to escape.. I need the few years off.. something tells me that I might never go to grad school? Who knows. maybe I will.
I just want to help people. directly.
I want to live a good life.
Plus, I've been just thinking lately. About romance. about whatever. I am kind of emotionally numb/dumb. And I heard this wonderful story.. about love.. and just knowing. And I thought I just knew once. And I wrote beautiful things and I felt like my heart was being torn apart. And now I don't feel anything for anyone. I feel remorse. I feel empty. You know.. when you think you have found the one.. you are done searching. I am by no means done searching (theoretically) .. but yet I am not searching at all. My life is on hold.. There is nothing more I want in life than to be loved and to love and to help people because I love them. To put good in the world and have a wonderful family. So what am I doing right now? Have I met the one? I don't think so.. But i could miss him. I really could. I want that feeling again.. I do. I don't have time or emotional resources. but I want to feel like the world is about to end and I want to just feel my heart swelling up and I want to listen to love songs and think that they actually mean something to me. I fear that I am wasting my youth on not feeling that way.. on feeling stressed and okay and numb.. I don't have any great stories to tell. Definitely no cute love stories to tell. only horrible ones. I am a machine. and I don't care anymore.

3 obsessions | stalk me

:: 2008 29 May :: 11.04 pm

I might be writing in this thing a lot. I might be. I am scared. I don't know if I am doing very well. I am going to live without a refrigerator for two months. I am inadvertantly trying to be ecofriendly while being lazy/crazy. I ordered a water bottle offline today that is supposed to be very ecofriendly. This is all not the point though.
I am living under the guise of being healthier-mind,body, and spirirt. However I think this summer might actually be pushing me over the edge into crazy land. I know I have to do this--I know it is good for my career and various other things (?). I am just on the verge of being so lonely. I am going to spell something out for all of the people not reading this. I am extraordinarily bad at making friends. Mostly all of the friends I have made have been through some sort of circumstance. I don't care how many people are here this summer. I am having sincere doubts about whether I will make any friends. I am doomed to repeat my mistakes. I am failing this test. I know that is negative and that doesn't help. It just is like. I have been spending so much time by myself. I have yet to have any meaningful interactions with another human being since I have gotten here a few days ago. I am essentially a hermit living off protien bars. I read a book. I will soon read another. I am kind of like... this is my existance. I don't really know how to deal with that. I think I have to be the change. It is just almost painful to me to exert myself for friendships that I am not even sure I want. I am not a friendly person. I always opt for being alone rather than being with people I don't like or know or whatever. This might be my flaw. I need to figure something out. I might actually go insane. I see lonely. I can't even write anymore. this is shit

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:: 2008 4 March :: 11.57 pm

In that moment
I realized
that I wouldn't
mind
being
killed
by you

1 obsession | stalk me

:: 2007 30 December :: 1.17 am

Take this sinking boat and point it home
He makes me want to explode into a million little pieces.
I've been having a time trying to cope with all these emotions in my head.
The whole short lived pseudo-fling this break had sent me into a mild depressive state. I mean I am still coping with the repurcussions of being an absolute basket case. I ruined it.. the same way I ruined Matt and I and countless other relationships in the future past and present. I close up-- I build a wall-- I freeze. Every time without fail. I thought this time would be different, but it wasn't. They become bigger than life and I become so very small. I get so nervous because they are so---everything. I have to impress gods. And then I break. and ruin it all. So a small small episode that represents every love lost. sucks. They never stick around too long. I've been on the verge of tears for days. It's just a bad sign.
Then Jeph finally was there for me when I needed him. Although, not on purpose obviously. Same old same old. I just wish he would man up for once. And he wonders why I don't trust him. I just don't understand how any of the things he says could be true. He says he thinks about my every day and that he doesn't care that I'm awkward and quiet because he likes me and has since he's met me (bless his lying soul). He says that whenever someone asks him what he wants in a girl he thinks of me that I'm very smart, very attractive, very funny, very interesting, very sweet. But if this was the case, why has he continually treated me like a piece of furniture. perfect on paper. He makes me feel like there is nothing to hold my organs in place. I wish he weren't lying. I know that one day I will have to leave him for good. He has hurt me far too many times to keep score anymore. How can you love someone and continue to hurt them over and over again. I fear he'll end it again.. he'll go back to her.. find someone new.. cut me off again. He can't possibly wonder why I don't trust him. He is so hurtful and so selfish.
I just couldn't imagine him needing me like I need him. He will always have the upper hand because I need him.
He called me drunk last night-- I begged him to "stop this-- end this".
fucking parallel

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:: 2007 23 December :: 2.35 am

It scares me to think that this might finally be the end.
I think that he might marry this girl (the block)...
I am so utterly utterly helpless in this whole situation.
Love is not enough.
I really can't deal with this.
i refuse this

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:: 2007 11 December :: 11.25 am

And it's clear now,
that you love
her, and I
don't love
anyone.
Who, now, is
making the same
mistake
over and over



and over

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:: 2007 6 December :: 9.41 pm

I've been having very vivid dreams lately
Last night I had a dream that matt imed me--which is funny because I can't for the life of me remember his screen name even?
But anyway he imed me and basically said that he wanted things to go back to how they were with lots of hearts and lots of I've been thinking a lot about this and I think it could be good
Even in the dream it struck me as very odd.. and all I could think was " REALLY? you want THAT again? .. I don't know if you remember correctly, but it just wasn't very good"
how time flies

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:: 2007 2 December :: 1.44 pm

Heard this was good for the soul
random random thoughts
need to do work
headache
jeph jeph jeph
cold
jeph
max? in the next room?
frozen apple
responsibility
sacrifice
prison
sleep

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:: 2007 27 September :: 2.17 pm

seems so divided
I think I need sleep.
stupid test. seriously. I mean so many of those questions were purposely confusing and "both of the above" "none of the above" too many possibly right choices and not for lack of studying. Thats why I fucking get out of those things early.. try not to analyze too much. like my life.. which i analyze too much and things and all jumbly and mumbly.
I think Im starting a little to get back to my poet mood. little by little. I think one day I will try to compile all the poems I have written and try to get them published or something. little by little. something by somethings.
my fucking head feels too much cloudiness. fucking cloudiness. clouds that have intercourse with eachother. orgies of clouds. maybe cloads.

I'm falling into some bad things. some bad habits. I can see myself getting very unhealthy and it scares me. So if you want to know the real underneath lava of me here it is:
Not an hour goes by that I don't think about food and how what food I eat will make me feel and how what if I don't eat.. and look at you you are disgusting and fat and you have all this extra fat in all these extra places and that's not what they want.. that is not attractive. but i eat anyway and sometimes more than I should. I feel like im so fat I waddle. so then sometimes I kind of binge and not so much.. not clinically diagnosable but enough to make me feel awful.
(wow that guy has really blonde hair).
So as much as I sorta like myself.. i mean I am disgusted by my outer shell.. although I admit my face can be charming sometimes.
Andddd I understand that "guys aren't looking for stick thin models" whatever that means. but let me tell you I see real girls walking around who have really nice figures and no extra fat on them. it exists and I have to in some sense compete with that. like some genetic mutations. now on the flip side of this all I am educated enough to think this is all even more disgusting to know that I have fallen prey to this society trying to control women. thin women. I mean really thin are frail and thats the control. I'm being controlled by the media that tells me that britney spears looks fat. fuck she was soo abnormally toned before and if she is fat then I am certainly fat.. I understand everything about this. And thattt is why I would never restrict myself from eating because I know the consequences of those actions.. some of the big ones being death, osteoporosis, loss of muscle mass, .. I know and I dont want to be that thin and so I have this internal struggle in my head because I feel awful for being sooo fucking fat and hungry but refusee to do anything about it because I know i am being influenced by the media.. and it is making me sick and confused and I eat too much and that is another disorder.. so there you go.
I mean i understand that I have a high risk for developing an eating disorder with my history of anxiety, depression, self control, perfectionism.. warped sense of reality. soo this is scaring me..
I have to go help some crazy design teacher now.. I'll get back to the real indepth under a microscope,, things you wish you never ever ever knew about me
stuff

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:: 2007 21 August :: 12.43 am

I have tried in my way to be free
I honestly just want to hook up with someone right now. I've reached the limit. I'm in. But there is no one so this sucks sucks sucks.

Anyway other than that I am having extreme body issues. I feel just mediocre and chubby. Like ughhh. And somewhere in my mind I know that is not true, but whenever I walk into a room I feel as though no guy would ever look at me twice. I just feel sooo unattractive.
vomit.

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:: 2007 12 August :: 1.26 am

I'm starting to realize that either way I am a masochist.
1. either I subject myself to him treating me like an object.
2. or I completely cut myself off from something I love.

Want to know what is sick? I still secretly want us tol end up together.
I am sooooo fucked up

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:: 2007 9 August :: 9.37 pm

blah blah blah blah blah blah...
this sucks.
it hasn't completely hit me
but it sucks.
sucks sucks sucks
oh well.
it will come to a head someday.. hopefully ill have things figured out by then
i am pushed to the limit and I must persevere...
one day to mope/mourn.

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