She is dangerous for all the ways she is harmless.And please, if they should ask you, tell them you knew a heart like mine.Relentless.

 

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:: 2018 27 July :: 8.25 am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Alvvays - Archie, Marry Me

I began this blog when I was 16 and now all the entries are locked down on private but it seems fitting that 16 years later as a 32 year old grown woman I come back and do a thorough review.

I hurt a lot of people and was hurt by a lot of people but we're all okay now. I own a house with my partner and our dog and three cats. I work for regional public schools managing IT stuff. I have a garden with lots of flowers and raspberries that somehow taste like lemonade. A lot has happened since even the last entry before this, 8 years ago. I'm stable. I'm happy. I know myself. I have adventure, I have love, I have my whole life to look forward to.

"What's coming will come, and we'll meet it when it does."

xo
Marisa

1 huh | what


:: 2003 12 May :: 11.09 pm
:: Mood: hot
:: Music: pallor silence

Chapters In An Unfinished Love Story - Part 3
"No, this isn't right."
I looked up, exasperated completely, from the kitchen table- which I had been staring at while listening to her yell at me for more than 20 minutes. "What's not right?" I spat, and she looked up at me angrily.

"Everything, all of this, it's not supposed to be like this. I scream, and you're supposed to scream back, that's the way it goes. Don't you even care at all?"

"I have to be screaming to care? Where's the logic in that? That sounds pretty ridiculous to me, hon."

She threw one tiny angry fist down on the table next to my hand with a bang, and the coffee mug that had been sitting on the other end of the table for the past few days rattled.

"I just want you to see me!"

"I see you! I'm here! I'm listening! I see you! What do you want from me besides that? I don't get it! How the hell can I make you happy?"

She sat down across from me at the table and put her head in her hands. "I just want it to be like a song. I want everything to be so dripping with passion that we're ill with it. That's how I am, every move I make. That's why I am this way. I want my life to be like a song, where everything either means something or doesn't even exist."

I was so frustrated at this point with my inability to understand her and not knowing how to fix everything that I just exploded.

"LIFE IS NOT A SONG, OKAY? Let it go! We can rent movies on friday night and then just watch them eating junk food and go to sleep without it meaning anything, and thats OKAY. I *like* doing that. I like taking a break from all the intensity. For fucks sake, life is NOT a fucking song! What sort of parallel world are you living in- jesus! What the hell is wrong with you!"

Instantly I knew I had crossed the line. She didn't even say anything, she just looked up at me with her big wet eyes and didn't cry or yell or talk. She just made this face, like I'd punched her in the stomach.

I flew to her side, and got down on my knees and wrapped my arms around her waist, but she still didn't say anything. She didn't shake me away or embrace me, she just sat there.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." was all I could muster.

There was silence for a second and then I felt her hand on the top of my head.

"I changed my mind," she said slowly, like all the wind was gone from her, "Never scream back at me again."

what

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