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You're Just Like Everyone Else

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:: 2006 17 February :: 11.37 pm

i wish i could be anywhere but here

1 i'm loved | love me

:: 2005 17 October :: 10.22 pm
:: Music: Fall Out Boy

Why Don't You Just Drop Dead?
I've had such an excellent weekend!

Such a good weekend that it's caused me to have an excelltent Monday (I know...crazy stuff)

So let's see, maybe I'm in such a good mood that I'll give you a real update *shock*

So this past week has been crazy stressfull. It's not like I don't know how to deal with stress. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not stressed out. This past week somehow stripped me of my "anti-stress freak out" skills. I was loosing my head over every other little thing. Things that I usually wouldn't sweat over at all. I spent most of my time just crying and crying and freaking out. I thought about a million times, "I can't take this anymore. I have to change my major." I really don't want to change my major. Music is what I love, and I really believe that this is the direction that God is pointing me in. By the time Friday rolled around...well, you wouldn't have wanted to encounter me.

The church that we've been going to had planed this thing for the college aged kids. Emma and I had said that we'd bring people, and the majoirty of our friends seemed like they were really into it. Of course on Friday four people decided that they didn't want to come after all (*note, this was quite reasonable, but I was crazy at the time), which of course sent me into frantics. I was in such a bad mood. I felt like absolute shit, so I decided that I didn't want to go either. I knew Luke was going to be there and I knew that he was going to say something to piss me off and I wasn't going to give him any room for mercy. I would simply rip his throat out with my bear teeth (reminder....i was mad.) Of course I had to go because I said that I'd be there, so I tried to pick myself up and look pretty and get on with life.

I won't tell the whole story of that night, because that would take forever, but to put it in short, it was awesome. I'm so glad I went. Luke wasn't even mean to me (can't say that I wans't mean to him...but hell, I was upset.)

Saturday I slept....

it was amazing.

Sunday was church which of course was awesome as well. I got a lot of back up with this music thing and I feel a lot more confident about what I'm doing. By that time I was so happy I just wanted to hug everyone there, or throw little hearts filled with love everywhere in the air.

All that and I was still as tired as hell.

I <3 Fall Out Boy

I'm sleeping on your folk's porch again, dreaming

She said

She said

She said "Why don't you just drop dead"

I don't blame you for being you

But you can't blame me for hating it

So say what are you waiting for

Kiss her, kiss her

I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late

love me

:: 2005 13 October :: 12.39 am

In every heart there is a room,
A sanctuary safe and strong,
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along.

I spoke to you in cautious tones,
You answered me with no pretense,
And still I feel I said too much,
My silence is my self defense.

And every time I've held a rose,
It seems I only felt the thorns,
And so it goes, and so it goes,
And so will you soon I suppose.

But if my silence made you leave,
then that would be my worst mistake,
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break.

And this is why my eyes are closed,
It's just as well for all I've seen,
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows.

So I would choose to be with you,
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break.

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows.

love me

:: 2005 10 August :: 10.47 am
:: Music: Gavin DeGawl

The Final Day

Yesterday was my last day at work. It was amzingly a little bit sad. I'll miss some of those crazy people.
So here's how it went...

My darling little Paula was there. I was very worried about this because she's been sick and she was the reason I even bothered getting up at five in the morning and coming in. She was her usual determinded self...if you know what I mean...which you don't if you don't know me...which makes reading this not as fun. Oh well, sucks for you.

Eddie and Frank sang to me. It was really sweet. Can't type anymore about that because it'll make me cry. I'm such a baby.

Everybody wanted to hug me, which is okay because I looooove to hug people. Oh yeah...and that bastered Luke stuck my head UNDER HIS FUCKING ARMPIT. You can simply imagin how unpleasent this was. That damn kid. But it's all good. Paula took the best picture of him. It was hilarious. I'm gonna stick it in my wallet and when the girls ask me what I did this summer I'll pull that sucker out.

I had to hug Eddie forever. Who will I pointless rant to now???

I'm gonna miss some of those crazy kids

So of course I get out of a horrible norm and things are changing for me already. I've changed my hair color again and tomorrow I'm getting a NEW TATTOO. Daddy already knows and I got a lovely speach on how "they don't come off" So only one more week until I'm back to dread Carrollton. I love the people there, I really, really do, but why do I have to love them in Carrollton. I wish I could be anywhere else in the world.

love me

:: 2005 23 July :: 10.45 am

For once in my life I went out

That's right! I know, I'm shocked too. So it wasn't such a big deal. Just took Nikie and Amber out to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which was awesome if I must say so myself. Evidently there was some gang rival thing happening outside the theater (because you know gangsters enjoy a trip to the theater too.) I was really freaking out because Amber was running around and I couldn't stop thinking "she's going to get shot" So sad, the adventure in my little week.

I've never been so excited to get back to school...excited to get back to Carrollton (yes, you can understand my personal distress for my mental health.)

My life has become work and sleep. But you people wouldn't believe the drama at work! There's this kid there who's driving me right up the wall. He's 18 and he's been homeschool so he's not ever really been around people. I'm a bit chatty and I'll talk to almost anyone, but I think that my attention towards him gave him another idea. It's like every morning the moment I come in he's right there. "Bekie how are you today? Bekie what did you do last night? Bekie Bekie Bekie" Don't get me wrong, he's a real sweet kid, just annoying as hell. So the other day I was working over and of course he's right there by my side. He asked me what I looked for in a guy,which is something that I don't like to discuss much anyway because the last time I told a guy about that he claimed that a person like that just didn't exist. Well I figured that it was best to just be honest with the kid so he knew just where he stood.

Here we go:
He would have to be a Christian (one point for him)
It would be nice if he were a musican, or an actor or something artistic. (Not this kid)
He would have to like Phantom...of course (he read the middle school)
Would have to enjoy tattoos and such, bonus points if he has them (this kid's dad says he'll kick him outta the house if he ever got a tatto...but he insists that he loves them)
This is not a must at all, because I don't like to judge people on their phisical qualities, but I have a tendency to be more attracted to guys with dark hair (blonde) and light eyes, as in blue or green (brown.)

There's more that I can't recall and I'm aware I'm being much too picky with all of this, but it's honesty. So I figured I got my point across after this, but just to be sure I let him know that he should get so attached to me, because I'll be leaving in a bit and he won't ever see me again. After this he spent a few moments in thought and then comes back with "Well, if we won't ever see each other again, why don't we just go on a casual date?" I didn't answer, but I think my look of "oh hell no" was enough to do the trick. why does this always happen to me??? Oh well, I'm out of there within the next week (oh how I hope) and then it's off for some real summer fun.

love me

:: 2005 31 May :: 10.44 am

Summer Vacation?

Yeah, things have been so crazy since I left school. It's like I live my life at work. It's cool though. So far, I'm really enjoying it. The majority of the people there are really cool (those of you who know me know what I'm talking about...ha!) I don't really have much to update on besides that. Just work, work and more work. I'll write again whenever I get a chance. Oooo, and I have my beloved Trivia tonight! The one highlight of my sad little week!

love me

:: 2005 8 May :: 10.43 am

I've just remembered how much I love Robert Burns

O my Luve's like a red, red rose,
That's newly sprung in June:
O my Luve's like the melodie,
That's sweetly play'd in tune.

As fair art thou, my bonie lass,
So deep in luve am I;
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry.

Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun;
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
While the sands o' life shall run.

And fare-thee-weel, my only Luve!
And fare-thee-weel, a while!
And I will come again, my Luve,
Tho' 'twere ten thousand mile!

love me

:: 2005 3 February :: 9.03 pm

Are you ready to lose?
Are you ready to win?
Well I've been losing for so long
I can't begin

I'm a man on the moon
I'm a man on the edge
Well I'm the words you never knew were in your head
To be read

You can't help you're so insecure
Your hurt right down to the core
You're only stuck in your pain today
Welcome to Breaktown

For the first time
It's a great town
For your worst time
When you freak out
There's a road sign
Welcome to Breaktown

Are you ready to quit?
Are you ready to learn?
Are you ready to find the spark inside and let it burn?
I'm the walls close in
I'm the words you won't say
I'm the voices you chose to keep inside
And lock away

You keep it all to yourself
You're just like everyone else
So take a good look around
now....Welcome to Breaktown

For the first time
It's a great town
For your worst time
When you freak out
There's a road sign
Welcome to Breaktown

When you're driving through
There's a room with a view
Just hanging around

Welcome to Breaktown
Welcome to Breaktown
Welcome to Breaktown

For the first time
It's a great town
For your worst time
When you freak out
There's a road sign
Welcome to Breaktown

Welcome to Breaktown
Welcome to Breaktown
Welcome to Breaktown

love me

:: 2004 31 December :: 1.46 pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Phantom

Here they thoughts on the Phantom movie
Phantom here we go.

After missing the show on wed. (which, you all know how incredibly pissed I was about this) my group and I set out *early* the next day to catch a showing.

And here's what I thought...

I have been waiting for this movie since April. I know this isn't really saying much because there are some phantom fans out there who have been waiting for years and years. I really don't know how they pulled that off because just the anticipation of a few months really got to me. I really wanted to fall in love with this movie and just have it be this beautiful thing that I can't even describe in words. The singing...ehh I could go on forever about that. I didn't mind Gerry (Phantom) so much. I had already had time to hear him and get used to him, and I mean come on, this guy had never had vocal training before. I think for him to make the leap into a singer and into this role was quite impressive. Okay, so if I really really wanted to analize his vocal performace, of course it sucked, but I like to think of him as the little engine that could. He's a trooper...and I'm proud of him for what he did up there. Emmy (Christine) on the other hand I rather disliked. For someone who has supposedly been training in voice for the majority of her life this was a very very poor performance. She in no way at all sounded like an opera diva...which is what Christine is supposed to sound like. Her voice is childish and more pop than opera...just not good for this role. I could go into more but I won't. Patrick (Raoul) was good. I have no comment on his because his voice did push me too much in either direciton.

Sorry about all of that, but hey, I'm a vocal perfomance major...what can you expect

As for the moive itself, after the first showing I was sure of my feelings about it. I just sat there and said "I don't know if I liked that" which really got to me because I really wanted to like it. My big thing was that they made Erik (the Phantom...yes he does have a freakin' name) out to be more of a villian. But of course they do this in most moive versions of Phantom. I really think that after my first viewing I was just upset because of the ending and that was sticking with me. I always hate the ending. I'm such a E/C girl.

Now for my beef with Mr. Joel S

I thought his direction of this movie was pretty good and didn't have a problem with him until today. I was watching him in this interview and he made the commment that he has no compassion for the character of Erik in the book. His reasoing was that it was mentioned that Erik worked for the Sha in Persia for a period of time. Joel went on to say that this ment he had his own harem and was adored at court so there was no way he could feel any compassion for this character, and that was why he changed Erik's past for the movie.
This is complete bullshit. It's so fucking obvious that Erik is a virgin at the end of the novel because he's so touched when Christine let's him kiss her ON THE FOREHEAD!!!!!!!! Erik has never felt any sort of adoration or love...and if you ever read the book and pay any sort of attention you can see that in bright bold letters. I mean that's what makes him such a sad character. Even the author describes him as haveing a heart that could have held the whole world but had to be content with a celler. That is what makes Erik my favorite character in all of literature. He's such an ass for thinking that the character of Erik does not deserve compassion.

But as for the movie ( he he, back on topic) after seeing it two more times. I've decided that I like it. It's not perfect, but I like it.

okay...I'm done. I'm sorry if this text comes out all blocked. This sutpid computer has a habit of making it that way.

love me

:: 2004 18 October :: 6.07 pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: The Walk

Home for the weekend 10/18/2004
I went home this past weekend!


Yeah, it was my little sister's homecoming...this brings about another "the amazing Bekie can to anything" story.

So my mom was talking about how they had to take Nikie (my sister) to a hair place so she could get it done for homecoming. Sometimes when people talk about things, I can see myself doing it...and I'm doing a damn good job of it, so of course I'm like "Hell, I can do that" but this time I said it out loud...and I couldn't just back down so I added "and I can do her make-up too." It wasn't until I started putting her hair up that it hit me that this was my little sister's first dance ever and if I made her look like shit she was going to be so upset and she's a hell of a lot bigger than me.

Luckily for this one time I pulled through.

Man, did she ever look hot. I had to take a lot of pictures of her so I can prove to people that I really did make her look hot.

I am brilliant.

School is fun...stressful...but fun.

I <3 my Carrollton people. We have such wonderful times here.

I like this...

Everyone waits on the walk

Some are long and some small but all of them tall

Everyone must make a choice

Do I go for it all

And possibly fall

The tight rope is thin

I could possibly win on the walk

On the tight rope everything's bear

All that there is is from here to there

On the tight rope the goal is quite clear

Don't loose yourself in your fear

love me

:: 2004 7 October :: 1.55 pm
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: Choir stuff

Sitting in the Computer Lab

Yes, yes. That's what I'm doing at the given moment.

Geeze, I haven't updated this bad boy in forever!

Have I ever professed my great love for college?? Well, guess what...I have a great and huge love for college.

Let's see, since I'm a music major I have so many classes I have to make time in my day to sleep and eat. But somehow I make time for fun with my crazy music major friends too. We've started up this weekly game of Egyptian Rat Screw. That is the funniest game in the whole freakin' world. That and the burping game. I just wish I could somehow film my days and post them up here so everyone could just see how crazy things are.

Brittany is sitting next to me...but now she's leaving. She plays flute.

Well, I'm about to "eat me some lunch" so I had best go.

Take care and kisses to everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

love me

:: 2004 8 July :: 11.54 pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: Avenue Q

I would update more...
If my computer weren't such an evil piece of shit from hell.

So, here's what I've been up to.

July 3rd we had a pajama party at Brent's apartment. I stayed up all night. I thought I was gonna get to go to sleep at noon the next day after church...but I had to help my parents can green beans until five, so i stayed up for a total of 34 hours. not fun at all.

tonight i hung out with amber and melissa. i love amber, she shares my love of picture taking. we have great fun.

this is all i'm able to get out at the moment. hopefully i'll get more later.

love you all!!!! sorry about my lack of notes.

love me

:: 2004 23 June :: 3.50 am
:: Mood: amused

Yesterday I called this guy I knew in high school. We didn't get on too well back then; he kinda gave me the creeps. Somehow I always end up doing this, I feel bad for a guy and go out places with him. I always think we're out as
friends but he always ends up thinking different.

But this did make for a very interesting and exciting day...

It started out with Matt picking me up somewhere around seven I suppose. He wanted to go to Jillian's, but when I mentioned that I knew a lot of servers there he started to talk about how he didn't want to run into anyone we knew. I
was already feeling a bit uneasy in the car with this guy. So we get to Jillian's, and I'm starting to think, "How the hell have I managed to do this to myself again?" Just then I spotted Sam and Scott Wyatt in the video cafe. I told Matt that I wanted to say a quick hello and then ran off. The hello lasted a rather long time and in the end we all got a table together in Nick's section. Matt wasn't all too happy about this. While sitting and chatting, I randomly decided that I was the queen of Jillian's, and I needed more sweet tea straight away. Nick was suddenly swamped. I mean I tried everything...even standing up in the booth and yelling "Nick! Sweet Tea!" He didn't seem to be getting it (really he was just busy.) Brent didn't have any talbes at al so when Scott saw him walking by he stopped him and told him I needed more tea. Before I even realized what had come out of my mouth, I had yelling, "If you bring me sweet tea, I will give you the biggest kiss ever!" Brent took off running. He just happend to run past Nick who was already bringing me more tea. Brent stotod with his head down for a second and then went up to Nick and said "Let me give it to her! Let me give it to her, cause she's gonna give it to me!" Nick got all the way to the table and Brent said, "Just let me hand it to her!" Nick gave it to him and he looked like a giddy little boy and pucked up his lips. I was like "He he, this is gonna piss Matt off so much" and laid one on him. Brent yelled "That's it?!?!?! That wasn't even on the lips!" At that point he really got me going so I yelled back "One day Brent you will have the most orgasmic kiss ever and it will be from me!"

A little later Scot left and Sam went to pick up Melissa, leaving me alone with Matt. He kept on talkign about kissing me, and it was not so much fun. He also kept touching my hair and looking at my ass. Brent stopped by the table and asked me what I was doing later on and I told him I didn't know and he asked me if I wanted to hang out. I was like "sure!" and started to make plans when Matt floated back into my head. I stopped and siad "Well I'm with him." Brent looked as though he were going to suggest that Matt come along but I gave him a look and he understood. He told me to get back with him and walked away. A little later, Matt was talkign about something or other, but I saw Brent out of the corner of my eye. He looked at me and let a napkin on the bar next to my arm. I took it and slipped it under the table. It said, "If you can ditch the dcude then we can hang out. I could pick you up or something." Matt tired to read it, but I stuffed it in my bra, where I knew he could never get to it. Melissa and Sam cam eback a little after that. Melissa did such a great job of keeping Matt off of me. I love her.

Later on I did end up ditching Matt and Brent and I hung out...that was pretty uneventful. Not worth writng about.

I don't know if I mentioned this yet...but I cut off all of my hair. La la, so awesome!

love me

:: 2004 15 June :: 8.53 am
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: Avenue Q

Crazy kids don't sleep

That's right...and I'm one of them.

I was thinking that last night/this morning while I was not sleeping. I was like, "Man, I bet you only crazy people don't sleep at night! Wooo, it's so fun to be crazy!"

Okay, don't think I'm completly off my rocker.

I had full intentions of going to sleep last night...and at a reasonable hour too. It's just that I got to reading this book, and of course I got so wrapped up in it that before I knew it the time was 2:00 AM. I figured it was about time for all good little Bekie's to be fast asleep so I put away my book and got into bed. Instead of going straight to sleep I turned on the TV, mainly just so I could see how to get back to my bed and make sure I didn't trip over any of the books that are piled up all over my room (yes, I'm a big dork.) But while flipping through the channels I found that "When Harry Met Sally" had just started and I've never seen that movie. So I became ingulfed and stayed up until five watching that. Next thing you know it's 5:00 AM and my parents are up. At this point I really had to pee, but I couldn't get out of bed because my step-mom has this lovely habit of finding something to yell at me about anytime she sees me. I had to wait a whole freakin' hour and fourty-five minutes before I could get to the stupid bathroom. After that I wasn't really tired so I did this TV workout thing which was so awesome.

Now it's 8:40. I'm gonna try and stay awake for the rest of the day...but I'll probably end up falling asleep in trivia. Oh well.

Now let's computer's been down so I suppose all my lovely people would like an update.

What have I been up to?

Oh yeah,

Big news, I cut off all of my hair last week. I almost cried. I have this emotional attachment to my hair. Sam and Nikie were there with me when I had it done. It usually takes me forever to settle into a new hair style but I'm already satisfied with it. I was in need of a good change. It's so refreshing...changing things.

And that's about it. Other things happen...but I haven't slept in a long I'm most likely not going to remember them now.

love me

:: 2004 5 June :: 6.41 pm
:: Mood: crappy

I <3 Hobbits!!

Just wanted to give a quick update!!

I've been out doing all sorts of things this past week.

Tuesday after trivia Sam and I drove all the way to South Carolina just for the hell of it. We found trucker heaven. There was a topless bar, where truckers get a discount, a KFC, and a place to wash your truck. We had so much fun that we think we might take a few days off for me him and Melissa to just drive up to Maine and visit Becky and Casey. That woudl be so super cool. Road trips are so much fun.

Last night I went to see the third Harry Potter movie which kicked major ass, ever if they did leave a lot out. Melissa and I stayed the night at Amber's and had a super fun girl's night. Today we went to this art gallery and I met more of Melissa's friends. We all ate lunch and they were super nice.

I'm at Melissa's place right now. I think later on we're gonna head out with Amber again.

I'm on such a LOTR fix right now. I got the third one and I'm just like *drool for hobbits* all over the place. Everyone should know and love LOTR. I want a "Frodo Lives" shirt. I would be the coolest girl in the world if I had one...


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