14outtanone
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2008 14 May :: 4.41am
:: Mood: calm
Your love is like a rollercoster (bay-bahbaby) I want to ride!
I'm not really in the mood to type, but I know that I'll put off updating until forever if I don't do it now.
Violet gave me a little creamy rat, I named him Asher. He's like one fifth of Kale's size and Kale makes a point of reminding him every three minutes that he's puny.
He's also a ninja. Little beast got out of the cage three times. D:
I made the cage ghetto-rigged so that he can't get out anymore. Yay.
Um, ah. Blah. Played the SIMS2. Got boring. Seriously the highlight of my homelife is Jon. Which is great, I love that he's the reason I get up. I just feel like I never get anything done, and it's all my fault. I need to stop being a lazy bum. BUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
Yah.
~nee
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14outtanone
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2008 11 May :: 11.22pm
:: Mood: drained
Arrr, shiver me timbers~ Captain!
First off, I give kudos to egghead15229 here on woohu, because he finally explained somthing to me. I get why people can't be friends after they break up, most of the time.
But usually, it's me who wants the fries back. D:
Don't get it? Go look at his journal.
MEANWHILE!
I finally got some things done on my room. It's not clean or even close, but things are being cheerfully shoved into holes and such so that there is room for me to work in here. Seriously, I just need my own place so I don't have to cramp everything I own into one room. I own enough for atleast a one room apartment. Nick-nacks and such take up too much space, gorammit.
Tomarrow Jon comes back. I'm pretty excited. I love him alot. How scandolous, huh? Me. Saying I love him? It's one for the recordbooks. Then again he and I always did like to race ahead of ourselves.
Ew, my wrist is bleeding. I should go get a bandaid. There's this scar that keeps opening on the top of my wrist. It was a pimple at some point of it's life but got infected. Now it's this hole of death that is just gaping open at me. It's pretty nasty.
Oh yeah, I had a revalation tonight, it was the reason that I originally hopped onto woohu at the hour. My relationship with Peter was suspisiously akin to my relationship with Myke. How creepy huh? I spent a long time waiting for a chance to be with both of them, when I got them they were angels, we broke up, we got together, we broke up, we got together, and ultimately they both cheated on me. How weird. Here's a glass of orange juice to the hope and desire to never have to date again.
I gots me a man, thankyouverymuch.
~Nee
2 audible grins |
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14outtanone
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2008 10 May :: 5.44pm
:: Mood: contemplative
I need a bigger trashbag.
It's been afew days since I last logged on. My computer still glares at me as I'm trying to set everything how I like it, and I'm abit lazy for lack of having done much in the past few days.
Jon and I have been laying around my room for almost a week, and it's been nice, lazy... but nice. I can tell that I'm becoming stir crazy though as I for the first time in three years had to go pace while I had a guest. I felt guilty last night, but it was short lived because my gloom cloud lifted quite abit afterward and I was able to be cheery and genuine. I think that my mood was effecting Jon as well, because I only saw him smile like he meant it afew times in the last two days and it kept me constantly on needles.
I need a new more stable job... so I can work on getting my own apartment. I know that some of this stress is living with mom's...um... I'll call it crazyness. Yeah. Plus I think that it'll improve my moods and such. I mean... I just need to know that I have somthing of my own.
Buuut, right now I'm all lonely because Jon's at dinner with his mom and his siblings, and I'm waiting for my cousin Sammy to get here. We're babysitting her for my aunt. Sammy is my aunt's youngest step daughter, and thus Laurie (my aunt) doesn't know what to do with her..She never liked kids. Now she has four.
Sammy's real mom didn't want to take her for mother's day, just the oldest girl Tory. It's sad really.
I was also consitering cleaning some things while Jon isn't here to distract me. And to that point... I'm feeling really insecure about Jon. Not like "will he leave me" insecure... more like "am I good enough?"
I found out that he graduated when he was 16. How cool is that? I couldn't even consentrate enough to finish pubic highschool. He's a computer master, I can barely turn on my PC. He finishes games in like a week that I take years on. It's.... degrading. I can't even heat up a bowl of spegettii. I mean, seriously! I'm not good at anything. More and more it seems like he doesn't get amused by my cute screw ups. He always just looks so bored when I'm around. I feel like I'm just this thing that skitters around and looks cute and ammuses him when he's so totally bored that he doesn't have anything better to do than look at me.
So basicly.
I feel like a pet rat.
-Nee
1 audible grin |
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14outtanone
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2008 1 May :: 2.14am
:: Mood: ditzy
:: Music: "Vampire" by Antsypants (On the Juno Soundtrack)
MANLY MAMMOUTH
I went to see Kelsey tonight, that was special. She's not too happy about me being with Jon... but who honestly is?
Just me and Jon really.
It's all I need.
I've been obsessed with the Juno soundtrack for afew days now. I've managed to get "Loose Lips" stuck in my head, Jon's head, Mom's head, and the head of anyone who looks on my myspace. I like the acoustic catchyness of it.
I want to see Juno again tomarrow. I hope I have the mooneh.
I wish there was a way to cheat Bells on Animal Crossing. It's getting boring trying to pay off my morgage.
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 27 April :: 9.40pm
:: Mood: impressed
:: Music: "Smack that" by Akon
Some days seem so ordinary. So right.
I'm sitting in my beanbag chair last night, with Jon sitting above me on my bed playing around on his laptop. I'm playing Shining Force on the PS2 I got for my birthday but never got to use. Mom and Overdrive are out taking care of my aunt and Jon and I have the house to ourselves... well, other than Rick, but he's quiet and only bothers us if we get near him. We'd already spent one night together, and made our dateing official earlier that day.
I look up at him, and he looks at me and we just kinda smile at eachother. We say something scandalous and go back to our respective games, and I know that I made the right choice.
Today I wake up and watch him sleep for two hours running my hands along his back and feeling the warm metal of his corset peircings. It's boiling hot in my room, and we're wrapped up in a blanket, both of us sweating our asses off. I play with his gotee for abit and wakes up and grins at me. I stick out my toungue and we make faces at eachother and say scandelous things for the seven thousanth time since we saw eachother two days ago. I feel safe for the first time in a very long time.
We eventually roll out of bed and he gets on my PS2 while I go and shower. I mull around after I get out, listening to messages and sighing because Violet wants to trade games back, which is fine. I go back into the room and cuss abit because in my feeble attempt to clean I put my DS with one of his games in a box and forgot which one, thus making this take longer than I want it to. I plop down in my bean chair again and close my eyes.
The other message on the machine was from dad. I have to call him back, and it's the last thing I can hande at this point. I have no urge at this point to ruin my good weekend, but Jon is leaving soon and I know that I won't be able to make it through the call without him to support me. Twitching I dail the number and start into the usual arguement with dad. He tells me I'm going to be a failure, then he tells me that as my father he can control me, then he starts into my mom. I don't take it, I fight back, I yell and out of the corner of my eye I notice Jon's lit a smoke. More fighting with father and I'm on the verge of tears, but I touch Jon's leg and maintain. Mom eventually calls and saves me from blowing up further. I hang on him and after a quick chat with mom I curl up with Jon and he kisses me.
"You were so stressed that I had to light a ciggerette..." He tells me, eyes showing that he was worried. I tell him that's how all of my conversations so with my father and he hugs me again.
I realize that I would have broken down without him there. It wasn't just human contact either. It was him. He's the other half of my soul. My...
- laughs -
My Nim-Raj, my Rex, my Ulfirc... my whatever you want to call it.
So here's so the little events. Cheers.
-Nee
1 audible grin |
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14outtanone
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2008 24 April :: 4.15am
:: Mood: full
Friends? Friends.
I broke up with Violet tonight. It was... emotional. I knew that I needed to do it. I should have done it sooner...I should have done it before he had time to attach to me... I should have just KNOWN that my heart wasn't going to change. I need to get things set right, I need to know that I have no regrets. I need to take the path that my heart wants.
I should know better than to go against it. Some of my worst past trauma has to do with doing the opposite of what my heart wants.
So here I am, running down this path with my fingers crossed.
I seriously need to sleep. My brain gets too vaugue when I'm sleepy.
-Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 23 April :: 12.42am
:: Mood: cranky
I'm a bit tipsy.
FIRST OFF: ALASKA IS NOT IN AMERICA, IT'S IN THE SNOW!
SECOND: I'MMA STUD, NOT A WHORE! Get it right people, if you're going to badmouth the Nee at least use the right terms.
THIRD: I HATE CLEANING.
I've been cleaning my room, and I ran out of garbage bags... leaving me in a hard spot here...and I found this random like... burgendy colored goo in a box and it's like... dry and semi-hard so when I poked it I thought it was solid but then it squished bit and I don't know what I should do because I need the box. It's one of those big plastic storage boxes... uck uck uck...
Things seem to be getting more complicated with Violet. I hate complicated. Since when does sex define a relationship? "Oh well, I guess you can come over... it's just because you're not wanting to have... you know... I mean we wouldn't stay up as late so I guess you could stay over and wake up early."
No.
I would have woken up, no problem.
BUT YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE MY VAGINA IS A HUGE PART OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!
God, am I that ugly? Am I that horrid to talk to?
Do I have no redeeming qualities?
Well, fuck then. If I'm that bad I should play the part. I'm drinking tonight, and guess what? I'm going to be calm for the FIRST NIGHT SINCE YOU FUCKING GOT HERE! How's that Violet? Since I'm so sucky when I'm not screwing you, I'll just go party and be made to feel like a cool person. Because I'll tell you I've felt like a lame ass freak since we started dating.
Now excuse me while I dance around.
-Nee
PS: GUESS WHAT! GETTING A FUCKING CORSET TO WEAR AROUND ME IS NOT A GIFT TO ME! I HATE THAT YOU FIT IN CLOTHES BETTER THAN I DO! I HATE THAT YOU CAN AFFORD THAT FUCKING THING AND I CAN'T! YOU WANT MORE MONEY?! STOP BUYING THINGS THAT YOU DON'T NEED! I BUY A SHIRT EVERY SIX MONTHS! I BUY PANTS ONCE EVERY TWO YEARS! YOU'RE DOING FINE!
1 audible grin |
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14outtanone
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2008 20 April :: 5.56am
:: Mood: content
"It's akward but shiney..." ^_^;;;;;
I think I finally fed Kale to his stuffing point. It's kinda funny. He's always so enthusiastic about food, so now seeing him avoid frenchfries all together... it's ultra cute.
I'm having some regrets about my recent descisions. Mind you they all have to do with my dating situation, and nothing to do with my freedom. I lloooovvveee that part. In fact I'm willingly putting off some things so I can party mooorrreee. :3 I am a par-tah pee-pole.
Or not. But I still love having all this free time and money. Woooo money.
I never found that ribbon... I should look again. Since I'm not really tired. And I have a loaf of jalapeneo bread waiting for me to eat it. Crystal told me that I lost my winter weight already. I think she was just being nice, but it made me really happy. Good friends are hard to find.
Kiss Kiss, please in the name of god! DON'T LOVE ME!
-Nee
1 audible grin |
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14outtanone
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2008 18 April :: 9.28pm
:: Mood: creative
...and everything after that.
I've been looking for a purple ribbon for about an hour now, and I have no idea how the hell I cannot find one. I have three boxes of ribbon, so you'd really think that one of them (or even two) would have a small bit of ribbon.
Nope.
Oh well, I can stop being lazy and just find a clasp for the damned choker that I'm fixing. But the ribbon would be prettier.
I just got back from Nampa, went to play some games with Jon. It was pretty much epic, even if I got frustrated and threw my game around afew times. XD Oh yeah, and Level 100 KH playing is kinda fun, if not easy. Oooooooooh well.
Dad sent the ticket information to me today. His punishment for my being bad daughter is making me stay an extra seven days, bringing the total to 12 days. I'm going to be very unhappy. If nothing else I can sigh and stare at pictures of my boyfriend. D: I guess I should hurry up and make some appointments o get ready for the bombardment of questions that I'll have to endure. Oh yeah, and figure out how to tell everyone that I don't believe in god, since this is SO FUCKING the last time I'm going to see their abuse-tastic faces. I'll be sure to pack extra bandages.
Also, I have to pack up some boxes and get some of the junk out of my room. It'll be easier to move things around when I do that.
I changed my layout so somthing far more basic. I was tired of the wooshily colors.
-Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 14 April :: 7.27am
:: Mood: bouncy
I am hunter of wild things. Ooh ah.
I think I'm turning to one of those people who works and then comes home to play games, then goes to a party, and workd again.
I haven't figured out if that's bad or good. Whoooooo knows?
Didn't sleep last night. Don't have to go anywhere today, so it's okay. I'm kinda digging on the idea of cleaning abit of my room. There is seriously a pile of Mightnight Milkyway wrappers ankle-deep next to my PS2. It's kinda funny really, because when I get frustrated at a game a stomp my foot in them and they fly averywhere.
It takes the annoyance away. XD
And I have about a thousand cans of Strawberry-Watermellon Arizona...I think I drank it to death becaus the idea of having another makes me want to gaaaag. Ugh ugh ugh.
Yay for woohu letting 100 new users sign up. It makes me lolololol with joy joy. XD Kinda feel bad for Violet because he payed money for his account afew weeks ago, though. Oh well. I likes the idea of a full site. Means new friends and fanz~
Oh my god, I should have slept last night. I'm getting sick. Crystal's going to kick my butt, because I said I was going to sleep but didn't. D:
____________________________________
Continued at 8:50
~~~
I cleaned some of my room and went to the park.
It was actually pretty interesting. There were some work exchange women picking up trash, I think I scared them because they all looked like I had a third arm sticking out of my forhead. I wasn't doing anything bad, just swinging. I took some pictures of them, and a short video while I was swinging. It's actually pretty badass, because I recorded some techno and they kinda fade further and further away while the bass is speeding up. I like it.
But I'm also sleep deprived. I'm pretty sure Myke would ammuse me to some extent right now... and I think he's the most boring guy in the world normaly. People who never surprise me seem to bore me now.
I hate people who leave their messengers running while they're at school/work/anywhere but infront of the computer. It seems really attention whorish. Like "OMGTHEYMIGHTFORGETMEIFI'MNOTINVEIWCONSTANTLY".
I've never had the urge to do that sort of thing. I get on so I can talk, not look pretty. I go to parties to look pretty.
Therefore these people need to party more.
Or have more friends in real life.
Or somthing.
-Nee
Laugh for me.
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14outtanone
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2008 13 April :: 11.52am
:: Mood: confused
I smell like cat piss and I'm sore.
There's a thousand places I'd rather be right now, and a thousand people that I'd rather be talking to, but I'm here by myself thinking of you. I'm getting tired of this, and I know you are too, but how can I just throw things onto the table? I'm not that open! I just learned how to play, there's no way I could keep everything, everyone if I did things right. If I did them wrong...?
He asked me to be honest, and I usually am. But I can't help but hide. I want to feel your eyes changing coloers baby. I want to feel myself moving through a forest, running like I can't be stopped. I feel like that with you, I'm free in the most beautiful sense of the word. I can't understand myself half the time, I'm all wrapped up in plastic...dull without you looking into my eyes to reassuringly.
So you mean for those eyes to look for that? Do you mean to look at me and absorb me into your body? What should I think if you're just as scared as I am? Would I be afraid? Would you even tell me if I was wrong?
I hate this. I suddenly feel so alone.
-Nee
1 audible grin |
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14outtanone
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2008 11 April :: 4.55am
:: Mood: determined
"God help the sister, who comes between me and my man~"
When was the last time that anyone watched "Mad About You"?
That TV show that was on in the 90's...?
I'm watching it right now and I can't believe anyone liked it. It's very... boring.
Earlier today I was walking around and thinking and I realized that I'm restless. Not about working, or about my future. I'm restless because I never really went to wild parties and did things that I don't remember. I do go out alot, and I do hangout with alot of people... but I don't get wild often. Sure, wrestling with friends and drinking alot usually is wild enough, but I've always wanted to be in a situation where I woke up somewhere I don't know and laugh about it. When I wake up in my underwear and pull on someone else's clothes and sneek out with a bewildered grin on my face. I've missed countless pool parties and keggers in my life.
I was too mild as I grew up. I can't help but wonder if I would have done cooler things if I wasn't so wrapped up in trying to get people to like me. Like Ana for instence. I spent years trying to be small enough and agreeable enough to be her friend, but in the end she just ends up being the same dumb-ass bitch that I always knew she was. But, she is popular.
Is it because she didn't care about all the rumors that go around about her?
It's very possible.
Now though, I'm becoming more and more un-interested in rumors. All of my intrest lies in the fact that they exist and they amuse me. Seriously, I got looked at like a crazy fuck when I actually sat up wide eyed in excitment when Violet told me that Nonomi was talking shit on me.
Am I becoming more popular? Kinda, I guess. People like me, and the ones that don't always seem so insecure when I look at them. It's odd that I didn't see it before. My friends are more loyal, and the ones that aren't... don't bother me anymore.
So I guess it's not so bad that I didn't get wild.
[This is another friendly revelation from Nee's journal.]
-Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 10 April :: 2.44am
:: Mood: enraged
Rant rant rant rant.
You know, Rick almost redeemed himself.
And then those cursed words came out of his mouth.
"Wanna make some cash?"
And then suddenly I hate him again. I do want to make some extra cash. It all seemed so easy. "Print me off some fonts, okay? Just the alphabet." So I went. I found the fonts. I printed them off. They weren't big enough. I do it again. Word crashes.I take the font to Paint. I print it, it's not clear enough. I take it to Photosuite. The font itself suddenly doesn't exist. I re-find it and print it out, after arranging it on a page to fit perfectly. I run out of paper. I find more paper. I PRINT IT AGAIN. He doesn't like it.
I throw a fucking bowl at him.
FUUUUUCK.
I have a new digital camera though.
Yay.
-Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 8 April :: 2.01am
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: Nothing.
Moonlit candle fire.
It's kind of ironic that I'm sitting here at the computer with my room lit by candles. It's like a battle of light sources.
Anyway, I'm tired of waiting for mom to get home. Bleh. I've been waiting for dinner since 8. She's keep calling to tell me that she'll be right home. No-one tell her, but I already ate. Still, we've been so busy with work things that neither of us have had time to sit down and talk about anything. It's a shame.
So I heard from Peter's journal that things for graduation came it. It's funny because I didn't buy a gown or anything at the time, because I was too forcused on getting a ring. I guess that I had my mind made up back then too. I'm such a smartie. :3
I'm actually pretty calm right now, consitering everything that's happened this week. Violet's here and I helped him move in, yay. I think he'll make it juuuuuust fine here (even if he's abit nervous). I've been sleeping better, eating better, speaking better, and just being more happy. I don't even care that Rick's here all the time still. I'm like a new person. I like it. I even lost afew pounds. <3
That being said, I've had alot on my mind. Alot of just... random things yanno? Like about my future and how I'm going to live. About how mom's doing with her illness, and how I'm going to make it a month from now. Thinking about my love life, and how I'm going to set myself up. Silly things that add up to big daydreams. How interesting.
-Nee
Laugh for me.
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