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:: 2018 20 September :: 7.54pm

There's so much that I want to say but I think my brain doesn't work as well as it used to. I used to have passion and be poetic with my choice of words. I used to do alot of things better than I do now. At this point I'm grasping onto someone else... maybe someone I never was.

I have a bad habit of playing the victim, complaining, being pessimistic... among other things. This runs in my family. This is learned behavior. My brother, my parents, my grandmother even. Especially my grandmother. My heart aches for her because her whole life she has thought she was never good enough. Maybe her family really thought she wasn't... they certainly treated her that way. But she definitely was the black sheep even when she supported her family so much.

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I don't want to think everyone is out to get me. The truth is, people just don't think of me anymore. And that's not fucking bad, that's life. I'm 30 and I still feel like a 14 year old emotionally. It's gotten worse since I moved home, for obvious reasons - back in old environments put me back in that mindset. While I was on the west side I felt emotionally more mature but had major depressive episodes so wasn't much better.

I was doing so well in college. I was following my dreams. I was learning every day and relaxing the rest of the time. I finally had the chance to be someone I wanted to be without the pressures of home life or my then boyfriend. Without feeling societal pressures or pressures of my peers. I could walk everywhere I needed to go. I could enjoy nature and write prose on a whim. I could practice yoga and I was very healthy... like, apart from all the drinking...

And then he fucking ruined it. My thoughts about it consumed me. I thought I would die. I thought I wouldn't be able to have children. In a matter of a few lines, my whole healthy mindset that I had built up for the past year and several months, all the progress I had made, was gone. I spiraled.

I've been spiraling ever since. Even though it's gone, the feelings remain. Maybe you really did ruin my life.

It has been years since that happened. It has been fucking years. Other bad shit, worse shit has happened in that time. But that was the start of it. That was the beginning. I don't know how to get out of this hole. I can't escape anymore. I'm always here. I'm always stuck. Everyone says if they could go back, what would they do differently. I know. I know all those things. I also know that thinking about it doesn't do me any good... but like I said, I play the fucking victim so. Damn. Well.

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:: 2018 17 July :: 9.57pm

I Kind of Hate Being a Dad
Kinda weird to read, right?

Weirder to write.

Don't get me wrong here, it's not that I hate my kids, that's farther from the truth.
I hate being a dad.

I have four kids, and I guess the term is "stair-step"?
They are 5, 4, 3, and 5 months at the time of me writing this, and it's hard to imagine life without them.

I have this tendency, though, to not get the best of my emotions... and sometimes those emotions drive.
I'll yell about stupid stuff like cleaning their room, I'll punish them for having an attitude or talking back; it drives me crazy when they ignore what I'm telling them or when I'm trying to get their attention.

All this time, I fail to remember that they are 5, 4, and 3 (the 5 month old doesn't know that part of me yet, or at least has not been on the receiving end).

I sent my kids to bed tonight angry because they weren't going to sleep... again, failing to remember that they are 5, 4, and 3.
I yelled. They cried. I yelled some more; they went to sleep, and I feel like trash.
So I did what every parent does then they want to figure out why they are such a sucky parent: I Googled "why am I angry all the time?"

What I found shocked me.

An article popped up that caught my eye: Irritable Depression: When Sadness Feels Like Anger (I'll leave a link at the end).

What I read took me off guard. I am angry, and on a hair-line trigger in my home... because I'm depressed.
I'm depressed that I didn't think I'd be at this point in my life -married five years with four kids at 29.
I'm depressed that I'm not where I saw myself being ten years ago -holding a steady and well-paying career, with maybe a kid or two. I'm depressed that I have a beer gut and barely drink beer. I'm depressed that I feel like my four kids hate me... and I hate that.

James 1:19 - "So then, my friends, let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."

Ephesians 6:4 - "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but raise them and train them in admonition of the Lord."

It is clear in scripture that God does not want us to let anger control our actions. We should have control over what we do, and when we say we love God, our actions should reflect that confession of faith; when any emotion is taking the helm of our actions -whether it be anger, sadness, anything like that- it's not a good thing.
It is also clear that it is hard to understand the character of God that is defined as a Father, until you become a father yourself.

We, as God's children, do things we know we shouldn't do over and over again -a lot of the time the same exact thing, over... and over again. It's one thing to experience this dynamic when you are the one constantly needing mercy and grace... but when you're the one who has to constantly give it, we find far too often that we are like that servant to the king in one of Jesus' parables where the servant owed the king an unplayable debt, but the king showed mercy and grace by obsolving the debt, but when the servant was the one collecting a debt, he showed no grace, no mercy, and in fact was angry and sinned.

As I'm writing this I feel like crap for being this way to my children.

What I have done is let my emotions get the better of me and control me; what I have done is not show the character of God to my children very well.
What I have done, is sinned: against my children, and against God.

I said I hate being a dad, and in a way I do.

I hate that my actions are being observed and absorbed constantly by carbon-based copies of myself.

I hate that I have to teach things like saying "please" and "thank you" all the while wonder where they got the concept of "mine" and "no."

I hate that being a dad is so hard.

And not that I abhor hard work, but being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

I love my kids, though.
I hug them when they are hurt.
I give them morning tickles, every morning.
I make them coffee at church.
I comb and brush their hair.
I get sad when I have to go to work and give them a hug goodbye.
I get so happy to hear "DADDY!!!" when I first step out of my car getting back from work.
I love reading the Bible to my children every night.
I love getting pictures of the silly stuff my wife and kids do at home while I'm gone.

I could not imagine my life without my children.
I'd be sad if they were gone. I'm sad when they go to grandpa's for a weekend.

I say I kind of hate being a dad, but what I really mean by that is that it hurts being a dad. It hurts a lot: it requires so much of you, for so long.
It's stressful.
It's repetitive.
It's chaotic.
It's got high heights and low lows.
It's manic.
It's lonely.
It's depressing.
It hurts... bad.

But.... it's so worth it.

Tomorrow I'm going to make things right; expect an update.



:: 2018 5 June :: 11.22pm

A promise from me
Is just a lie I ain't told yet.
So I'm ready to die, but I'm not willing to watch
You watch me die here in our bed.

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:: 2017 1 November :: 10.47pm

I'm not a good person
Ask anyone who knows me
I'm mean and bitter
And a failure at everything that I say I believe

I'm not a good person
Ask anyone who loves me
I never write, I never call
I never think about anyone at all

I'm not a good person
No matter what I do
My exhaustion will consume me
And I'm too tired for the truth

I'm not a good person
I'm sure you're not surprised
It must be pouring out my sweat glands
It must be someplace in my eyes

I don't know why I am this way
I've been like this since I can remember
I try to keep up with everything I know I should do
But then I'll fall to pieces anyway

I don't know why I am this way
I'm not a good person, not even to you
I'm staying home because I can't stand the sound
Of another heartbeat in the room

I'm not a good person
Fuck it, you know it's true
I'm lazy, I'm a coward
I'm asleep all day in my room

I don't know why I am this way
I've been like this since I can remember
I try to keep up with everything I know I should do
But then I'll fall to pieces anyway

I don't know why I am this way

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:: 2017 16 June :: 11.54pm

When something I hold dear is out to hurt me
I kick that feeble dream and whisper something like a prayer

No more shame, no more fear, no more dread

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:: 2017 9 May :: 8.40am

When I was a kid
My whole reality split
I was living a lie
I was a killing machine
I was a war lord
When I closed my eyes

I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop

When I was a kid
I was a total dick
To inanimate objects
The world beat the hell from me
I took it out on a tree
Great Illustrated Classics

I took it out on a fig tree
Out on the lawn
I took it out in the backyard (backyard!)
And behind Rite Aid
I took it out on the crates
And on the shopping carts

We were on another plane
I was the king of pain
In unspeakable cruelty
I set the mommy on fire
I set the baby on fire
Not even Jesus could stop me

I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop

I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop
Stop, stop

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:: 2017 25 April :: 1.09am

So I looked into your eyes and I saw the reflection
Of a coward you and I both hate very much

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:: 2014 7 September :: 4.48pm

I haven't written much. Time and I forget.

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:: 2014 2 September :: 5.40pm

I'm Broken.
Trying to reboot self.

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:: 2014 22 August :: 7.50pm

Public Update
Not sure if I'll do much public. Going to take work getting into the habit to just using this again. Doesn't seem to have many active members anymore though, which is a bit saddening. Might ask Andy what traffic is like nowadays?

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