today may be my first day back to work..

do you know how often i wish i could just rewind my life and go back to highschool? and change all the choices i had made from my tattoo on?

if only life really had a reset button..

but i only wish that sometimes, like right now.. when i'm sitting in my apartment, worrying about money, thinking about how lonely i feel most of the time.. wishing i didn't have to be such a negative person. i just want someone to be there for me always.. and i'm always too afraid to trust anyone that much anymore..

there are days like these where i just feel bad. there isn't really a reason, but i just feel like utter crap. and i want to cry and scream and go for a long, long walk.. but things have to get done today and i have to pretend like i'm ok because i don't have a reason not to be.

and then i'll laugh at my depression. and i won't ask for help. i know i can't beat this on my own.. over the last years it's become painfully clear to me that i can't fix myself.. but i don't know if anyone else can either..

and i want to badly to have good days when i wake up..
i don't want to be broken anymore..

there were two months that i can remember within the last year that i woke up and had good days. really good days.. and i was in the most intense pain of my life.. but i was happy. truely happy.

why can't i go back to those days?

i hate change. when things change and i think about them too much i have crazy bad dreams. i dream about murder and rape and kidnapping.. about bright colors and crazy highways and gravity.

i dreamt my mom abandoned me for cigarettes.. and that i was raped. and raped.. and kidnapped..

and it's because i'm terrified about losing this relationship.
i'm terrified i made a wrong choice somewhere.
i'm terrified that i'm never going to have friends that i see all the time again.
i'm terrified that i'm never going to trust anyone with my life again.
i'm terrified no one will ever understand me again..

i'm terrified i'm going to turn into a totally mediocre and average person who is unimpressive and unremarkable in everyway..

and i don't know why..

i just want someone to put their hand out there and hug me and tell me things will be okay. i want them to let me cry until i fall asleep and then hold me until i wake up again.. i want it to be the spring time and sit in the clover and scream when i bee gets too close.. i want to feel important and insignificant at the same time.. i want to look at the stars far away from any indicator of human life.. i want to see the northern lights.. i want to see a whale..

i just want to live life with beauty in it again. i want to love things again. i want to have passion for what i believe in and i want to be happy.

and it's impossible.
and i don't want to give up..
but i don't have a choice..

someone save me...

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