I see hate against the different races when we're all truly people.
People see a world of
colors; I see a world of grey...


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[been left out in the cold, just gone]

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:: 2005 21 January :: 8.26 pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Lovely sounds of IMs

I'm back!

2 Failed | Attempt Suicide

:: 2004 17 October :: 11.34 pm

Final Thoughts
Physically, you can endure as far as your body lets you.

Financially, you can only buy what the price tag and your wallet lets you.

Academically, you can only know as much as you study and do well in school.

Emotionally, you can feel nothing or even everything.

But, mentally, you absolutely can do anything.

With those words of advice, here ends my last journal entry till whenever time allows me once again. Will I be back or will I never be back? I wonder that myself. If anyone bothers to read this, I bid you the best of luck in this RPG of life and farewell.

Sarah [Kusho] Kakusho,
Sun. 10.17.04, 23:44

Attempt Suicide

:: 2004 17 October :: 11.24 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Inochi no Namae

Yeah, right.
"Did you know ???

Did you know that when you envy someone, it's because you really like that person?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real weaklings and most succeptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are : 'I love you', 'Sorry', and 'Help me'? The people who say these are those that actually need them or really feel them, and are the ones you really need to treasure, because they have said them.

Did you know that people who occupy themselves by keeping others company or helping others are the ones that actually need your company and help?

Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?

Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two folds?

Did you know that those who need more of you are those that don't mention it to you?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it in the face?

Did you know that what is most difficult for you to say or do is much more valuable than anything that is valuable that you can buy with money?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are granted?

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do.

But don't believe everything I tell you, until you try it for yourself. If you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned of and you know that you can help, you'll see that it will be returned in two folds.


"One day, we mad people will change the world...or we are already changing it " THE BALL IS NOW IN YOUR COURT... If the world were to end in 24 hours, all the phone lines, chat rooms and emails will be saturated from people sending messages to others, saying: "I regret having made you feel bad", "Pardon me", "I love you", "I hold you in high esteem", "Take good care of yourself" and sometimes "I have always loved you, only I never told you".

Today, the ball of FRIENDSHIP is in your court, send this to those who truly are your friends (including me if you I am one). Also, do not feel bad if no one send this back to you in the end, you'll find out that you'll get to keep the ball for other people want more."

I would like to see it all proven cuz that's just bull shit.

Attempt Suicide

:: 2004 17 October :: 10.57 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: nothing...

I want to die...
Each sentence is being quietly uttered in the back of my mind.

I want to grasp your heart in my hand and never give it back.

Hope to see you soon someday, again.

I miss you dearly.

Don't you remember those simple days when everything seemed so...simple?

I want you back.

Where did everyone go?

Your bitching was annoying and exaggerated, but wish I could see it once more.

High school is the bane of my existence.

Kill me, please.

Hold me close to you so I never feel alone again.

I wish we could see each other more.

Those songs you've once made me listen now play in my memories of you.

Is it just me or am I being ignored.

I have to finish this.

Though I may not show it, I still need your guidance and wisdom.

Tear the hair out of your scalp and drape it over your face.

Used to look up to you...but I don't know anymore.

The good ole days are gone.

Why did everything have to go awry again?

We don't talk about the things we used to anymore.

Change is a bitch along with life.

Dance my cares away.

The past replays in my mind like a broken movie projector.

I hope that I die suddenly and everyone will regret ever ignoring me.

Even the days that were good seem all the more bad.

Can you hear me?

I'm in need of attention from all places.

There's no use doing anything anymore because it's just a waste.

Why were we born to leave a mark when that mark is going to be trampled on anyway?

I sometimes wish people were as understanding as you.

I want you to be dependent on me for once, like it was once upon a time.

Play me a song and sing me a tune so I can fall asleep on your shoulder.

I suck at life.

I don't care anymore.

I want to die...

I want to die... it's true. I feel abandoned beyond reason and I can't stand it. People are just drifting away and it's not just a couple of people at a time. It's everyone; some farther away than others, but still. I just want to die and make them regret that they ever lost touch with me. It's selfish, I know...but some people just don't realize that this fucking hurts. It drives me insane.

Of course, I'm the one being boring so no one will want to talk to me. *sigh* Just forget. I'll just go away and never come back. I don't care if people will care or not, because I'm just being stupid. Adieu.

Attempt Suicide

:: 2004 11 October :: 6.49 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: The Truth by GC

I thought I could control it...
I always thought I never really cared about how my parents acted to each other... It was always bitterness resonating from all corners of the house. Arguing and bickering spreading throughout the house about the most stupid things, but obviously very crucial...a.k.a. $$$. I've been watching my parents fight for the longest time now...and it never really occurred to me until today that their bitching really effects my schoolwork. I can never get anything done and it's just very disturbing for some reason.

I just want to scream at them...tell them to shut up. Something. They always told me arguing about something stupid never solves anything...and because of that, they're dubbed the biggest hypocrits I know. Flah... I have too much homework to do to actually go in-depth with this whole situation. Peace.

Attempt Suicide

:: 2004 4 October :: 10.36 pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: San and Ashitaka from the Princess Mononoke SD

Outright Selfishness
You know...the person I'm about to talk about is already forgiven...but this entry will absolutely contradict the feelings I felt when I actually accepted the apology...

Okay...so Saturday was my birthday and I don't know why I didn't write this till now, but I guess it never really hit me until today when Jaz and I were talking during lunch.

A couple of friends and I had plans to go dress-shopping on my b-day. Well, one of my friends couldn't go and she told me this probably on Thurs. so I didn't think much of it. Oh, it's just so-and-so and me then. Okay...so come Saturday, I was waiting for the phone call to see when we were going to meet at the mall. I turned down volunteering at the nature center and going over to my neighbor's to play DDR. All I did was sit at the computer and chat with people or write while I wait for my stupid friend to call. Well, then. Turns out, this person had to go to work and didn't bother telling me, so...I wasted a perfectly good day...which happened to be my birthday.

Well, I ended up going to nature center meeting that night and I found out that only one volunteer went to help out that whole day. 1 volunteer compared to the usual 4-5. You see, Saturdays are my days to volunteer, but because I supposedly had plans I took the day off. So...because of this, I can't believe I had forgiven this "friend".

I wouldn't have cared if I didn't have anything else planned, but you know what? I'm not that little middle school kid who didn't have anything to do on weekends anymore. I HAVE things to do. It jeopardized another group I was commited to (the nature center) and because of that, I don't know why I let that person off "easy". I'm really bashing myself for this.

And what Jaz and I had talked about during lunch today was...she actually called Jaz, saying that she didn't want to call me and tell me she couldn't go. What?! So, I'm this big baby now who cries if something comes up and they can't go? It's people like that who piss me off more than anything in the world. It probably wasn't meant to happen...but it did. People these days should really consider other people's lives, whether they seem to have one or not, cuz that's just fucked up if they don't...

And for all those cynics out there...one simple phone call could've avoided this whole entry......but I didn't get the phone call now did I?

Attempt Suicide

:: 2004 2 October :: 8.37 am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Good to Know That If I Ever Need Attention All I Have To Do Is Die

Happy Birthday To ME!

How Insane Are You?

Created by andy and taken 12016 times on bzoink!

Your problemSchizophrenia
Will it be curedVery doubtful

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How many people hate you?

Created by KerianaWilliams and taken 4681 times on bzoink!

Favourite colour?
People that hate you:218
You willl be murdered because people hate you.False

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Created by andy and taken 5168 times on bzoink!

Date of Birth

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Attempt Suicide

:: 2004 1 October :: 7.10 pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "One Life" and "Bran-New Lovesong" by The Pillows

Full of Fun Surprises...
I hate surprises...well...no, that's a lie. Surprises are okay... Just really freaky when you don't know what's to come. Like...next Saturday. Not 2moro, but next Saturday...Jaz and Nira are "hog-tying" me and "throwing me into the car" to take me somewhere to have some fun for a belated birthday celebration. That, boys and girls, is really freaky, let alone a but scary. I don't know what to expect from them since...they can be really outrageous sometimes [compared to me, at least]. But you know...I won't know till next Saturday anyways so I should just...stop thinking about it...though I'm still subconsciously thinking about it...and I still am...

Bleh...so PSATs are approaching...joy. Ha, ha, ha--ugh... I'm obviously not ready and I won't get a good enough score on the real thing and no school is gonna want me to get in...and I'll be the biggest loser in the world. The End. XD

Attempt Suicide

:: 2004 30 September :: 6.33 pm
:: Mood: pissed off

My Privacy Has Been Violated
What does one think when they come across a locked door? Pick through the lock and go in anyway?!?

What the fuck is wrong with my sister?!?!?

I locked my room because I didn't want her IN MY ROOM. GRR! Too mad.... I can't stand her!

Attempt Suicide

:: 2004 25 September :: 11.28 pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: View from Heaven

Joyous Fun
Today's volunteer day was awesome! The more Jr. Nats...the better. W00t!

I had to clean up the kennels and stuff...while Robert and David watched and played around with the bug repelent. Well, I don't know. It was kind of messed up. Robert was all "I know I know you from somewhere. Where have I seen you before?"-ish. It was so funny, because I had no idea what the hell he was talking about... *shakes head*...well yeah.

Well, starting off from the beginning sounds good, don't it? First thing we did was clean up Danika's back porch; it was pretty messy. It had all these pine needles and poop on the deck, and a very very dirty kennel that once had a opposum in it... I ended up cleaning that too.

This is where the whole thing with the cleaning of the kennel was...[the thing i started with]. Anyway...we had lunch after that. Hah...those guys are a hoot. They kept on talking about this plant that takes up to 2,000 years to grow before it dies in one day. Yeah. Anyway...we set out to gather greenery for the animal displays. I was put in charge of the big clippers... and if anything did happen, which I'm glad that nothing did, I would've been responsible. Joy.

But before that, I was kindly reminded that we had to clean the Giant Toad tank...and guess who had to do that? ME. Yeah...and Amber showed up at this point too. So I cleaned up the poo in the toad tank and then headed out to collect some plants. Allison then showed up...so there were 5 of us looking for plants...so what happened was Melanie ended up dispersing our group into small ones.

I got stuck with Robert. Our task: completely clean out the Box Turtle tanks. We went looking for buckets to dump the sand in and instead, we got in this whole thing about homecoming and Melanie joined us in the conversation. SHe said that it's better to go as a group. Yep. So we took turns scooping the sand out of the tanks. This was when Robert got bored and named the crickets in the tanks...Jeffery and Carl... and the Brown Widow...Chachina...or something around that. I'll never understand 8th grade guys and they're obsession with name things weird names.

But anyway. The big Box Turtle was being all mean and stuff to the smaller one...so Melanie separated them. The big one got pissed off and started running over its food bowl and ramming itself into the tank window and curiously watching us. It was quite interesting. We ended earlier than David and Amber who were supposed to just glorify the tanks...and Allison had been done way before us who just had to wipe the inside of the tanks with vinegar.

We got into this aside afterwards where we were talking about stuff...and I mentioned the time Brenda thought I was a guy and Danika and Melannie were like "WHA?!" It was hilarious...and then there was a mention of my email address "i_see_a_world_of_grey@yahoo.com" and what it meant. Danika sounded kinda disappointed when I didn't say I was color-blind. XD

Yeah..so everyone took a break...cept Allison and I.

We fed all the animals in the exhibits. We had fun feeding the greater siren the earthworms because it's amusing to watch it suck it up. Very cool. I dun quite remember what we did after that, but I remember ending the day with folding paper and stuffing them into envelopes to send to churches....very fun.

Yep, so that was my fun-filled day. I should take a camera one day and take pictures or something to post here. It is joyous loads of fun and I'm turning 17 in less than a week! Just goes to show that no matter how old you are...you can still have fun.

Attempt Suicide

:: 2004 23 September :: 10.30 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Alone...by mee

Random Rant...
Jaz came back to school today...and so did Emily. They were both in the hospital...both for different reasons and from what I've heard today during lunch, Gault was in the hospital...hmm. Yeah. But anyway, I was happy that the two of them came back! :-D

So...homecoming, I might be going dress shopping on my birthday.......that could be good or bad. 17th birthday and I get to try on dresses for half the day with people I hang out with...that scares me. But, you know...that's okay. At 5:30...I have to go to a Jr. Nat. meeting on my birthday also. I'm not doing anything with family this year which really cracks me up a whole bunch. Yesh.

So yes. This is my life right now...
*Stressing out about Gault's tests...which I keep on failing...even with a 20+ point curve...
*Anime club...I'm treasurer supposedly...but I dunno yet, but I guess I'll know 2moro when I go to the meeting.
*Band...the other piano player has trouble reading the harder music so I get all the hard stuff...pressure!
*I no longer have any F's but I still need to raise my D and C to at least a B, if possible.
*FANFICS and FICS to finish. Almost impossible, but I want to finish all of it by the end of this year. That's one of my goals for this year... So let's see, that's about...oh, let's say 8 multi-chapter stories...
*Homecoming...dress...all that shebang...
*Still volunteering at the Nature Center on most Saturdays...so much fun...woo.
*Lab for bio...must have done soon so I can email it off before everyone else...
*All else that I've forgotten goes here cuz I know the list is not over...[this spot has the same purpose of the 9th Amendment XD].

Well, yeah...I'm tired. I think I'll go to bed BEFORE 11:00 tonight..[first time in forever]. So...g'night.

Attempt Suicide

:: 2004 19 September :: 12.17 am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: weird music from the living room

I miss Degrassi...I just had to remind myself of it. WHY DID I HAVE TO GET RID OF CABLE!? Feh...and then, I hear from Ashley that they're gonna have the season premiere THE DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY!


Mmmm...now it's 14 days till my birthday...and I'm gonna die if I dun get that stupid channel back on my TV screen!!!!!!!!!!!!! *screams into a pillow* I feel left out of the whole Degrassi loop. I was so up-to-date with the WHOLE show and for once...I had some knowledge of what the people at my school talked about so no one thought I was a loser...and then my mom had to just go on and take it ALL away. ...DAH!

1 Failed | Attempt Suicide

:: 2004 14 September :: 6.13 pm
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: Something from the Japanese Pokémon CD

Weirdest Morning Ever...
Okay, so I got up this morning and got ready for school. I had, maybe 5 minutes to spare so I decided to choose what CD to take to listen to the bus today. I usually take whatever is in the stereo. Anyway, I was staring at my thing of CDs [I have just about 100 now] and I was thinking of taking my Clay Aiken CD today. But then, my Yellowcard CD was staring back it me, calling out to me as if it didn't want me to leave it behind. So, I ended up staring at the two...thinking "which one should I take, Aiken of YC?"

I looked up and looked at my other CDs and it turned out that ALL my CDs were staring at me... ALL OF THEM! It was like--standing in front of huge class and trying to propose a discussion or something. So...what happened was, I ended up putting Aiken in my CD player, 12 random other CDs in a handy case, and, the Yellowcard CD in my binder. I ended up listening to all of them on the bus, thought people thought I was crazy. :-D. Anyway. Yeah...That was one of the hardest decisions I had to make XD. W00t.

Yeah, so that was my morning before school. When I get to band today though, I announce to some of the people in there that I might not be able to go to anime club anymore...and that what I find out that I was voted treasurer without even actually giving a speech, let alone show up. O_O;; So...I dunno, now I have a reason to go. Heheh. Uhm. I still want to know who nominated me for treasurer and actually spoke in my place. O_o;; Freaky-deaky. Yeah, I guess people just liked talking about me on Fri...at football games, during lunch, after school, really weird.

OHHHHHHH! I got a deviantart.com account! WoO! I luvs it. *huggles* Yeah. The url is...


Yep. Gotta do Gault homework now. It's my only hope for bringing my F up... - -;; My first and only F. *cries*...anyway. L8terZ.

Attempt Suicide

:: 2004 12 September :: 9.33 pm
:: Mood: rejected
:: Music: the voices are singing to me...

Cliques are Stupid
You know...some people have to do so much, just to have the chance of talking to someone popular...and in doing so, make fun of the people who the popular kids don't really associate with. In return that's what seemed to have been the case all this weekend.

Just to set up the scenario, a few people get together with the cool and start talking. Then, they mention a certain someone and end up going on endless rants about them...good/bad shit.

Weird how when one thing happens one place, the same thing happens all over again elsewhere. But anywho. How stupid. Stupid and corrupted. I've never known anybody who wanted to fit in that badly with people that they'd actually hurt other people. Only thought that happened in movies but I guess I was totally wrong.

Feh, anyway. I'm over-analyzing. Stupid IB-ness taking over.

You know what? I'm an asshole. I make the biggest deal out of the smallest things.

I'm a jerk.

I'm a bitch.

I'm evil.

I am hated. Who cares anymore. I don't.

I hate me. I HATE ME!

Attempt Suicide

:: 2004 12 September :: 6.47 pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: clip thing...

Want to Cry the Pain Away
I know...I know...... Everyone says I should get over it because it's a little thing, but it's not. I feel like I'm being ridiculed because I'm a minority...IN EVERYTHING! Race, religion, gender...you name it...everyone pokes fun at me for it. So...people think "Goody, since it's been done so many times, one more time wouldn't hurt, right?" WRONG. It means another stab wound has been made...and stab wounds leave scars.

So...what is this now? I've kept my cool FOREVER! It's been a long time since I've gotten seriously angry at someone [some people], but this is where I draw the line. I'm sick and tired of being a minority and I'm sure the people who know me are starting to get tired of me complaining. But you know what? Tough luck. I'm not going to stop complaining until people start respecting me for who I really am, not being made fun of.

The pain I feel is like the pain when the sun beams its rays of light into my eyes. It's so blinding that I don't know how I feel until later and by then, it's like no one even cares anymore, which is probably how I dealt with repressing my anger.

You know...the clip they sent me...really upsets me the more I listen to it......and it makes me more sad while it's upsetting me off. Yes...I feel as though I hate you people now...sorta. And then...sorry doesn't cut it. I remember someone saying sorry doesn't mean anything and now...I know why.

It's true, even if you say sorry your whole life, no one cares. No one ever cared. And even if they did, it would only be time when you needed someone to care. "Sorry" is nothing but another word, like "love", "hate", and all those other stupid words.

Those fucking stupid words.

And I write stories...little prissy romance stories that people think are the most corniest things...because they don't see that the words I type on this very keyboard has no meaning whatsoever. NONE. Blah...I hate this. You know...I just used a meaningless word. How stupid of me.

I'm not angry anymore...but I'm still sad. People are evil. Always are and always will be. People = Pain. I forgive everyone...I now know why people take advantage of me. It's because I'm so weak. I can't even hold a grudge on certain people for more than five minutes before I start feeling really bad. And I mean, REALLY bad. I've got to be the most evil person living in the world. *sighs* I hope people understand that.

I no longer care about what people think of me and what they say about me, regardless of its relevancy...but you know. I DON'T CARE. And I think I just made the biggest mistake ever by pushing everyone a thousand miles away from me.


Attempt Suicide

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