My Reflections

My Reflections

:: 2008 10 April :: 12.15 am

Goal:

-Work out every single day for the rest of the semester
-lose 5 pounds during the month of April
-refrain from eating anything past 8 PM

I hope that museum contacts me soon. They still have a little over a week before they're supposed to get back to me, but I really want that job. Gr.

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:: 2006 17 November :: 9.38 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Christina Aguilera

Coffee
I absolutely heart school. I love it. That is all.

And Gordon's doing better. Which makes me very happy.

-me

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:: 2006 10 April :: 12.26 am
:: Mood: disappointed

...
Maybe I'm the only person in the entire world who thinks that it's a good thing to be untouched.

But it's ok, it'll be ok, life moves on...and my brain fries so that I can't think anymore.

KABOOM!

There goes my brain. No more thinking.

Goodnight ladies and gentlemen.

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:: 2006 1 February :: 12.22 am
:: Mood: frustrated

I'm so incredibly confused with...everything. The truth is...I still miss him even though I shouldn't. I hate myself sometimes...like now. I'll stop hating after a little bit...but for now...me=no love.

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:: 2006 18 January :: 12.20 am

So...it's been awhile. I know. But I need to type somewhere that's not completely private but is somewhat forgotten. I would keep it private but I keep too many thoughts to myself and it's doing a lot more damage than good.

And I apologize in advance: this entry is about the boy.

So I admit...I've become exactly what I've always swore I wouldn't. I've become that attached girlfriend who can't stand to be away from her boyfriend. I can't stand myself right now. I swore I would never become this attached to another boy again. Not while in highschool at least. Brian left for school on Monday and let me tell you, I have not been very happy these past couple of days. Wait...he left yesterday...two days ago technically speaking. He could've left around 9 or 10 on Monday but because he wanted to check with parking services he left at 1:30...way too early. He got there...and of course...it was closed. Just my luck. My moodiness began there. I cried a lot on Monday. I was teary this morning on my way to school and during my Music Theory final, I just wanted to run outside and scream. I'm so fucking mad at myself for being this way. He hung up on me telling me I had to go to bed because I have finals tomorrow. Fuck finals...I don't even care anymore. I just want to get out of here. I want to grow and move out. I can't live here anymore...it's driving me up the freakin wall. And it's only making me hate myself more and swallowing myself up in my hatred of myself. I don't deserve to be happy therefore I am miserable. The only time I'm not miserable is when I'm with him. And that bothers me greatly...because I've become exactly what I go against. What happened to my independence? What the fuck?!!?! I let some guy throw it away...and he didn't even do it...in fact if he finds out, he'll be so incredibly mad at me. God I can't do this anymore. I'm so fucking frustrated with myself. You know what? I love him. I really really love him. I know he can be a little extreme at times and do things to make people go crazy...but I don't care. I don't care. He's the first person who has actually made me feel wanted in this world. He's the only person that I can be around without being afraid of being judged. He's the only person that has seen the real me...and that scares me in a way...because I feel like I trust him too much this soon. I mean. It has been 6 and a half months....but still....I wasn't supposed to fall for him like this yet....it wasn't part of my "plan". I'm frustrated.

Whatever.

-me-

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:: 2005 19 September :: 9.18 pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: IMEA music repeating in my head

Wireless Mouse
So yes, Senioritis has definitely hit me hard core. It's great. I only have two text books and they already seem like too much. Hahahaha.

I'm freaking out about colleges. I just had to make things way more stressful for myself by going into music. Because my admission is mostly based on my audition. If I fuck up on my audition, goodbye to that school.

So my top schools right now are DePaul and Indiana. Two really really really great schools, especially for music. Fuck. Lots of competition as well. I just want to be good, you know? Blah. But my heart's set on DePaul right now. The more I look into that school, the more I like it. It's in freakin Chicago and I've always wanted to experience the city life just once. My dream was to go to school in New York City but that didn't work out. Chicago will have to do. I mean, there's nothing wrong with Chicago either. I guess just because of the fact that I live less than an hour away from it just makes it weird but really...I don't know much about Chicago even though I've lived here my entire life. I was born there too. Well, not downtown Chicago but in the city nonetheless. Plus the Music school at DePaul is in the Lincoln Park Campus which is where I would prefer to be rather than the Loop. Being in Lincoln Park will give me the more tradition college feel than the Loop which is something that I want...and the city...all at the same time. It would be perfect for me.

Holy crap I really really want to go there. I know my grades and test scores will get me in but I'm just worried about the auditon and fucking that up hardcore.

Ok..I'm starting to clear my head. I'm gonna go there. I will. I'm going to work my butt off until I get in.

I'm not applying to Northwestern. It's an amazing school and I'm in love with the campus but as an undergraduate student...I'll pass. The boy will be disappointed but too bad...my college choices, not his.

Oh the boy. He makes me really really happy. :-)

Ok, that was a brief rant about collges. There will probably be plenty more to come.

Always, Sandy

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:: 2005 6 September :: 8.28 pm
:: Mood: crappy

Crushed Pineapples
I'm so fucking insecure it's great. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone...forever...what if I'm supposed to be a nun for real? I don't know, I'm having issues with...crap. I fucking hate the way that I am sometimes...

Can you really fall out of love in a short period or time? Someone you've loved for so long...just suddenly decide hey, I wanna move on. I just, I dont' know, I think it's impossible to have such sudden change of heart. Or maybe I'm just a loser for taking way to long to move on, you know? I mean, it took me 3 years to get over someone....a few months? Is it possible? I don't know. I read some things that made me really jealous and upset all at the same time. Then I felt stupid and got really insecure and just wanted to lock myself in my room, hide under the covers and hide from the world. I think I'm pushing away everyone. I hate being alone yet I'm the one who puts myself in that position. I hate people but I don't. Maybe I'm just sick of me and my bullshit. I hate burdening other people with it so I just dwell on it...forever...until I crack.

I want to go outside right now and just screa really really loudly because I feel like I'm suffocated. Not because my nose is stuffy but just everything inside feels trapped and I want to take my brain out and just chuck it at a moving train then make myself a new one...one that doesn't think so much....I'm make a brain that only concentrates on school so I can be smart.

And that's my rant.

Always, Sandy

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:: 2005 19 August :: 1.15 am

I wish life was fair. I wish it weren't so hard for me to keep a boyfriend...I hate my heritage.

Fuck it all.

Life's a piece of shit.

Maybe I should become a nun...at least my father will be happy.

I feel really guilty that Brian has to go through shit when dealing with my family.

Fuck it all.

who said that?

:: 2005 18 August :: 2.32 pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: My brother whining in the background

Cell phones
So woohu works on my computer again. Sweet. Well hello everyone, have you missed me? I know, because I never come in contact with anyone if it's not via woohu. Anywho...school starts in a few days...I'm less than excited. That's right...I'm < excited. Hahaha I'm so funny...ok not really.

Woo my mother's yelling at my brother. Sweet. He needs some discipline in his life..he's such an ass. He makes me angry...very very angry. Good lord, he's stomping on the ground and giving people attitude that shithead. God...I really don't like him...he aggravates me very much. I'm fine with Chris, the younger one is such an ass. jkfajiflejal;jfesjfiaesjsal

The boy leaves Saturday/Sunday. I'm sad. :-( But it's ok I'll live...he is, afterall, coming back after like five days or so...he's coming back every weekend until Great America's done so...around Halloweenish? I won't make him come back every weekend after that...I'm not a control freak like most girlfriends. I believe in independence and individuality. Yay for being your own fucking individual.

I've observed many many relationships and always thought how can a girl be that controlling? The guy's allowed to have friends...he's allowed to hang out with others every once in awhile. Now that I'm in a relationship...I still think how can girls be that controlling? I told Brian that if I ever become controlling...just let me know...I promise I won't get mad. ::Shudders:: I'm sick of the world.

I'm thorougly disappointed with many aspects of life...haha I won't try to sound deep or anything but just I don't know...I'm sick of life, sick of people, sick of drama. This entire summer I've spent most of my time at work, summer school, or with Brian. I feel kinda bad about it because I was planning on doing many other things this summer. I had a summer reading list with books that I really wanted to read...I've only completed one...the 6th Harry Potter book (which, btw, made my cry like a baby and totally ruined my day). I've spent very little time with other friends who I don't see at work. I saw Patrice and Ryan frequently enough...same with Caitlin...but other friends....not really. I feel awful. I've been really anti-social...more than I have been in the past couple of years. And now all of my friends are leaving....I only have a handful of friends who still remain here....I know a lot of people but I'm friends with very few. I hate it. I hate how I can't just be "friends" with everyone...why I'm so critical about every aspect of life and every fine detail regarding me. Maybe that makes me selfish...the fact that I want so much and expect even greater things. I'm a selfish bitch, that's what I am.

Sorry, I've been really moody these past few days...I think it's because I've finally realized that it's time to grow up...for real. I'm going to college next year and that kinda scares me.

Ok well, I'm off to Caribou with Caitlin.

I guess I'll post later and whine some more.

Always, Sandy

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:: 2005 16 June :: 11.25 pm
:: Mood: determined

How about making a new friend today? Seriously, look around. Even better -- look outside your comfort zone. A new, interesting friend might be just the lift your spirits need.

I'm actually somewhat social at work...yay for me!

I suck at this game :-( Life isn't fair sometimes......oh well.

Always, Sandy

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:: 2005 2 May :: 12.24 am
:: Mood: annoyed

Who reads this? Anyone? If you do leave me a message saying you do because I'm curious.

I'm sick of people. I'm sick of life. Ready for a mini-rant???? Here goes:

I'm so fucking bitter it's great. I can't help but be bitter sometimes though. Why? Because I spent my entire life NOT whining and asking for every fucking thing in this world because life just doesn't work out that way. And here I am...fully aware of reality and accepting it while every other fucking person starts crying and whining and shit everytime they want/don't get something. jafio;duvbio;anrklsd;jfioas;hfidsjfkl;sjfksafjf;a
I'm sick of life. I'm sick of just everything in the goddamn world. Life is so dull and I don't want to associate with people anymore. I do....but I don't. I feel like screaming....that's what I want to do. Why are people so ignorant? Why am I such a hypocrite?

God I'm so sick of the world and everything that's in it.

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:: 2005 20 April :: 8.26 pm

SHUT UP PATRICE
I am sandy. I hate Jackie and jill. I hate everyone who's not patrice. I love patrice. We're getting married.

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:: 2005 19 April :: 12.26 am
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: Moulin Rouge

Pencil Lead
I'm here. It's been awhile. But I'm here. I don't even think anyone reads this anymore. But I'm here nonetheless.

I think I'm emotionless. Why is it that I don't feel sad or angry or happy or content? I don't feel anything. I don't like it. I want to be either happy or sad. I'm not even content. I'm just...here....I hate being in lingo but yet I'm here.

I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I'm just kinda exisiting. And the thing is...I've been feeling this way for over a month now. It's not like I suddenly woke up one morning and decided that I'm gonna be emotionless. I don't know what I want. I don't even know what I'm looking for...I'm just kinda....here.

Is there something wrong with me? ::Sigh:: I don't want to sound pessimisstic because the only thing I ever say in this journal is about how pissed I am at life and shit. I just....I don't know! I'm frustrated because I'm discontent with life. I've lost all motivation to care....I feel no emotion...or am I the exact opposite? Am I too emotional that I can't even decipher what emotion it is that I'm feeling? They should have a drink that relieves stress...like something I can grab at Caribou. You know, rather than a cup of coffee to get my source of caffeine...I could grab a cup of coffee with some kind of stress reliever so I can feel refreshed.

I feel kinda dirty....but it's only been about an hour and half since I took my shower.

I don't know....I'm just rambling now.

I'd better get back to work.

Always, Sandy

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:: 2005 26 March :: 5.40 pm
:: Mood: restless

peeled clementines
I have to pee...thought I'd share :-D.

I don't update much anymore...in either here or my Xanga. Frankly I don't really want people to know much about my personal life anymore. If you do...ask and you may recieve an answer. Possibly.

Anywho...I got bored so I'm here. I figured I'll post a random entry because I read all the other ones and I sound whiney. It's my whining journal hence the lack of updates. I think I post one entry in here like every other month. Hehe.

Hm...I got talk to the Pa-trice today which was well needed...I think for the both of us.

Yeah that's all I got...Oh yeah and it's Spring Break now. 'Tis well needed as well.

Always, Sandy

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:: 2005 23 March :: 9.50 pm
:: Mood: distressed

Sour Patch Kids
Hey look I'm posting...gasp indeed.

I'm sorry to anyone I've been a bitch to. I've been being a bitch to a lot of people lately. TOM paid me a visit....it wasn't a very good visit this month....

I've changed so much and I'm not too certain if it was all for the better...I mean...I'm more confident in myself now (don't worry...I don't have a big head...at least I don't think I do) and I'm more outgoing and shit like that....but...shrugs...I don't know. I've lost sight of my priorities. I'm sick of just about everything. This Spring Break is greatly needed. I hate school.

I'm just going to come off and say I'm uber sorry to Patrice and Jorie because I've been kinda neglecting you guys. ::Sigh:: I've been distracted and I've been neglecting a lot of people...but espeically you guys...and it sucks because I used to talk to you two the most out of anyone. I'm sorry.

It feels like Friday...why isn't it Friday? I'm tired but I can't go to bed yet. Damn ACTs. Took the post-test tonight. I hate sitting for 3 hours straight (well I guess with a 3 minute break in between).

But on the plus side there's no rehearsal tomorrow which means Spring Break starts as soon as that bell rings at 3:15. Then I'm leaving that school. I'm so sick and tired of it. Why am I not a senior?

Dammit...I'm complaining. I'll stop before I start whining about more nonsense like the coldness of the weather and shit like that.

Always, Sandy

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