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:: 2005 2 February :: 11.22 pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: "Just moved into to 14G...."

Peanut Butter Cups

I'm so frustrated with myself...I'm frustrated because I don't know why I'm so frustrated.

Oh fuck. I just remembered two things: Round table discussion in US History which means I should probably go and review some things so I don't look like a total retard during class tomorrow and I was going to change my person for my resesarch paper in US History because I couldn't find any information on him...but I forgot. She wanted the sign ups to be done by today...and I forgot. Fuck. I'll talk to her before 8th period tomorrow...she likes me...maybe she'll let me change?

I hate myself sometimes.

I'm really worried about the show...and just stuff....self doubt is coming back...and it sucks.

And I'm really pissed because all my motivation has disappeared and all I want to do is eat and sleep...hence the immense weight gain. It's disgusting...I can feel myself being bigger. I say this as I eat pringles. God.

I just want to quit life. I don't want to go to school anymore...I don't want to take ACTs.....I just want to quit life.

Ok, I'm just continue end my complaint here otherwise this entry will be wayyyy too long.

Always, Sandy

who said that?

:: 2004 27 December :: 1.28 am

I hate not being able to do anything...other than sit here and wait. I'm being pretty vague. Basically in this journal, I write whenever I wanna post something that I don't want to in my Xanga mainly because that's more public than this one. I figured people (referring to the general public) has given up on reading this one because I hardly update it as opposed to my Xanga which is updated almost daily (for the most part).

It kind of sucks when you want to do something but you can't. Because it's not right. As much as it sucks for me, there's one thing for sure....I will always respect the existence of someone's boy/girlfriend. Basically, I will never try to rip apart one's relationship because of my own selfish desires. I'm really quite hopeless...and I feel too stupid to tell anyone what it is that I'm thinking.

As time passes, I find myself keeping my mouth shut about how I feel about my personal issues. I mean, I love it when people talk to me about what's going on in their heads...I'm more grateful that they trust me. It's just, I feel like such a dumbass because I don't know what to say back without trying to relate to myself. And that's why I'm such a bad conversationalist. I don't know what to say. In response, I usually start with "well, with me..." 'shut the hell up, Sandy. The situation's not about you so stop trying to make the conversation revolve around you', I tell myself.

But at the same time, I wanna tell someone how I feel or what I'm thinking because I've reviewed it so many times in my head and it just sounds stupid and immature......and desperate. I have these questions that I want to ask but I don't because I don't want to sound conceited or selfish.

I don't want to go back to school. I feel like such a failure right now and I'm so worried I'm not going to get into college and stuff (which, by the way, is the only thing I ever talk about now to people).

I need to shut up and get some sleep. My throat is gradually becoming worse and me staying up isn't doing it much good.

I'll take the day off tomorrow....I was gonna do some homework, clean my room, study for finals......I'm gonna just sleep and bake cookies with the cookie dough that Pa-Trice got me :-) Holy mother and a crapcake....she and her mommy gave me a huge ass tub of cookie dough. When Pa-Trice told me that she going to give me cookie dough, I thought it was going to be in one of the Ziploc baggies....enough to make like 5 cookies. Nope....I can make like a billion now. So cookie baking party at my house....Anyone...Anyone???

Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 21 December :: 12.40 pm

Confession time.

I don't want to kiss anyone on stage. I don't think anyone understands. I haven't had my first kiss yet...and dammit I don't want it to be staged. That's the last thing I want.

Ah fuck. I'm being selfish...I need to get over my personal discomforts...but grrrrr. Don't get me wrong...I'm grateful for this part. I just....::sigh:: I don't want to explain. Fuck it.

who said that?

:: 2004 21 December :: 12.26 pm
:: Mood: empty

Can you feel the love tonight?
I do feel empty. I guess I'm not satisfied.

You know what I realized? Once the seniors now graduate...I'm screwed. This means I will never be leaving the house again...for social purposes. I don't really have friends anymore. The only person I see and talk to is Patrice. I'm not complaining about that..I love Patrice to death. It's just...what happened? I lack the social skills to make new friends and I'm too impatient to keep the one's I have now. I don't know....are they still there? Or have they moved on? Have I moved on?

This is stupid, yes, I'm aware...but it's just....even now...I come online to just sit. I don't talk to anyone online anymore. Every once in awhile I'll ask someone a question or they'll ask me something....then we die.

Maybe I feel this way because it's the Holiday season. Once again, I feel very much alone.

I really want to talk to someone. Anyone.

But what would I say?

who said that?

:: 2004 13 November :: 4.39 am

Global Personality Test Results
Stability (37%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness (60%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.
Extraversion (58%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
Take Free Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

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:: 2004 6 November :: 4.34 pm
:: Mood: cranky

I love Rock 'n' Roll
Hey look I'm finally here. Hoorah.

I've been preoccupied so apologies for the lack of update.

Saw Molly Sleeps and some weird band last night. They were....yeah. Molly Sleeps was, of course, rockin' awesome.

Alright, I'm gonna come off and say this. I'm PMS-ey so I don't give a fuck. The egos need to stop now. They're fucking pissing me off. Theatre's no longer fun because everyone's trying to out-do everyone else. Why do you think I cared so little about Dracula. Oh I know, because maybe everyone single in the cast was so egotistical. Every single person. I lost respect for nearly half the people in the cast. Everyone but Kenny, Reid, Zak, Steph and Vlada. I've come to respect them a lot more because they were so humble. Everyone else is just so urgh. Everyone is so goddamn egotistical. And it really sucks because everyone there is going to do the musical and it's gonna be hell trying to work with people who think they're the best thing out there. But what can I do? Not a whole lot other than to suck it up. By the way, people need to learn to do that too. Just suck it up and move on. I'm so sick and tired of this. Choir pisses me off too because it's so freakin segretated: the egotistical theatre freaks and everyone else. The theatre freaks consisting of about a whole 2 people and everyone who follows them. Just gr...ok?

I'm sorry for my venting, but I haven't' vented in long time and I really needed to. People just need to get off their high chairs and come back to reality. YOU'RE NOT THE FUCKING BEST OUT THERE SO STOP THINKING THAT YOU ARE!

Sorry. But I know more than half the school agrees with me here.

Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 16 October :: 9.11 pm
:: Mood: tired

Os ju sti medi ta bitur
Dudes. I did it. I made IMEA. I freakin' made IMEA. I was not expecting that. And I'm so happy.


I actually cried because I was so happy and shocked and excited and ahhh! Ask anyone in choir. I was shaking...it was kinda pathetic actually not that I think about it.

It was really bad this week because I was so doubtful of myself and I just didn't think that I would be good enough or I would majorly screw up....and I did....but I guess it wasn't as horrific as I thought. I gave myself such a hard time. And I was so pissed that night too.....I walked out of the room so mad at myself. Even the following morning, people asked about it and I refused to answer....I didn't want to think about it. And then OC said my name I was just in complete shock. ::Sigh:: I'm happy.

It kinda pissed me off when Kurt announced me being in District choir everytime he freakin saw me that day. I was finally like Kurt shut up. I'm not someone who takes compliments very well...and I don't revolve my life around them. Compliments make me uncomfortable. I often take them for sarcasm...that's how weird I am. Just, you guys, I don't want to be self-centered...and I'm not (or at least I don't think I am....PLEASE inform me if I am....I don't want to turn into one of those people) and I don't people to encourage that I guess....I don't know...I'm not sure what I want to say anymore. Blah.

Ok I'm off.

Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 11 October :: 8.08 pm
:: Mood: perturbed

My cranky ass side it coming back. My super negative side is starting to show as well. I'm just stressed and blah.

TOM's an asshole. He can go fall of a cliff and drown.

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:: 2004 20 September :: 6.20 pm
:: Mood: overwelmed

Here's a quick update before I go back to homework because I haven't updated in about 2 weeks:

-First of all, I'm going to Homecoming...big shocker I know. I have my dress and everything...looking forward to that.

-Second, I'm thinking about colleges and where I want to go. I know all of you guys are thinking "But you're only a Junior, relax". Well, I want to have a good idea of what my grade point average SHOULD be and a good estimate to what test scores I should try to get to help ensure my admission to some college that I'll end up wanting to go badly.

I've already decided that I'm not even going to apply to U of I. I just don't want to go period. At first I figured I should apply anyway just as a safety or something since...well...it's not a terrible school. But after talking to Nick, I decided I'm not going to apply because IF I were accepted, I wouldn't want to go anyway so why waste the time and energy? So far I've only looked into one Illinois school and that's Millikin. I don't have much of an interest in ISU either because so many people want to go there and ::shrugs:: I guess I'm just not interested. Right about now, I wish I were smart enough to get into NYU. That would be like a dream come true. I decided I'm going to see how this year goes (so far it looks like I'll be able to pull up my GPA a little bit because I'm very motivated to work now) and see what my test scores are like and then...who knows...I might even apply. I mean, I don't anticipate in getting accepted but hopefully they'll take into concideration that I'm very active in school and that I do challenge myself enough that I'm not bored (I know that I'm not capable of taking all AP classes, so that's why I'm not taking any this year). And maybe my audition will impress them enough to accept me. Hopefully by then I'll be good enough...or at least have potential because I feel as though I'm not even close. I'm still working.

My main motivation in working in school right now is to raise my grades so I can get accepted to a good school. Certain colleges want a particular score or grade...or somewhere close and I now am serious enough to care. I realized how much I screwed myself over my freshman and sophomore year and now I need to pick up the slack and really work. ::Sigh::

I looked into Syracuse a little bit ago and I really liked it. That's a school I'm definitely going to look more into. :-)

Alright, to homework...then to crew. I feel kind of guilty because I ditched a couple days or left early. I constantly have schoolwork on my mind and how I need to get home and do work. Blah. And so I've decided, I'm going to spend most of Saturday at the library and start on my US history term paper and get all of my other homework done as well. I need to get into the habit of not saving my homework until Sunday night because I no longer have time then because of VOA rehearsals. ::Sigh::

Alright, I'm off for real now.

Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 9 September :: 6.04 pm

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Sometimes you feel like every love song in the world was written with you in mind -- and then, later on, you realize nothing could be further from the truth. No matter -- you're going to hear the lyrics how you hear them today.

It's interesting...because it makes sense...I usually can't relate to "love songs" because....well yeah....just thought I'd add it here.

who said that?

:: 2004 4 September :: 3.11 pm
:: Mood: yucky

I need to shower
I haven't updated in nearly two weeks I think, maybe more. I guess I haven't had the "inspiration" to write lol. So here's a quick recap:

-School started...it's not bad...Isabelli isn't bad so far...he really expects you to learn and I like that...I think I'll get a lot out from his class this year...I'm just not looking forward to writing papers for him. Also Dircks isn't too bad either. She seems to be ok with me so it's all good. Her voice can get a little annoying but other than that, I don't mind her. She really seems to know what she's talking about and I like that as well. Things actually make sense and I'm estactic.
-I didn't make Dracula which I'm fine with actually. I was pissed but it wasn't because I didnt' make it I swear. I mean I was disappointed with things...but because I kinda let my emotions get in the way of how I presented myself. I could've done so much better...but I was pissed when I got on stage and that affected my presentation. I didn't have the feeling of "I gave it my all" when I was sent home. That's one of the reason's I was pissed. But overall, I felt really great about making callbacks. I had never been so excited to be call back in my life. They cut 50 people!!!! Yeah exactly! They only called back 21 out of 70 people...of course I feel great about that.
-I decided to do One Acts. I'm gonna work really hard and try to make it. It can be my little practice type thing for the musical. That's the one I'm gonna be freaking out about. I really really REALLY REALLY REALLY want to get a good role for that one and I need to be able to act and I need a lot of practice in that area...especially because I'm not great of an actor. But I try and I have fun with and that's a plus, I think.
-I decided not to ASM because there really isn't a need for two for a 10 person cast. There really isn't. Phelan said so himself. And it was good because that's what I was thinking and he kind of got me out of the grey area. And I've ASM-ed in the past and Stage managed. I generally know what I'm doing. There's still some things I need to learn but I don't need to be trained from the beginning. So I decided I'm gonna go tell Phelan on Monday that I'm not gonna ASM but do One Acts. I'm really happy that he wasn't going to turn me down though. He said he was plaining on having me ASM in the first place and that made me really happy. Just the fact that he wasn't going to turn me down felt really good. Sorry, Phelan, but I don't think you need me for this show. Now for Bo, I'm happy to help him out by joining crew :-).

What else is there? Oh yeah, people are flipping out about Homecoming. I decided I'm not gonna go. It's no big deal...well unless I'm asked...but I'm not planning on that. Last year, Homecoming was kind of arranged and it wasn't as fun as it could have been because both my date and I were there because people wanted us there. ::Shrugs:: He's still cool though. He's still super awesome.

I'm racist against dances, boys, and bugs.

Always, Sandy

1 persons said it | who said that?

:: 2004 25 August :: 12.02 am
:: Mood: tired as hell

blood shot eyes
First day of school: Yipee.

It wasn't horrible. It wasn't awesome but it wasn't bad either. It was decent. I realized how much I'm gonna have to work this year....because I actually care now. I care about my grades now...I care about getting into college. I want to raise my grades and I'm gonna do it. This year is going to be different because I will actually work and actually care.

Let's see....let's start from the beginning (I don't really feel like reading my book or going to bed).....

6:45 AM - Corey was outside of my house sitting in his car waiting for me to come out so we could leave. It was painful for me...I haven't waken up that early in so long....nor have I survived a day with less than 7 hours of sleep since the school year ended. I was insane in the car because I was really dizzy because I hadn't eaten anything (normally I'll drink some milk or orange juice if I don't have enough to prepare real food because I figure I should probably have some kind of liquid with significant nutrients rather than just water which contains nothing other than hydrogen and oxygen molecules). Also I had gotten 3 hours of sleep so it was insane because the lack of rest wasn't easing the pain in my head.

Corey and I arrived at Stunkel and Q's houses and picked them up and the four of us began our way towards Libertyville to meet Bryan Reid. In front of Reid's house, we met up with Jill, her sister, Patrice and her sister. It was a party in Libertyville at 7 in the morning before school.

Arrived at school.

First period-Phyics with Ravenscraft: Not bad...found that I was in the same class with many many people I knew which is always fun. Dudes...Q is in my Physics...I was so taken back...Someone from our theatre department was in my class who wasn't a fellow Junior!! 'Twas exciting. And Kurt Proepper is also in my class which I was also surprised about.....Matt Smith was also there and Jon Padraja....It was party in Physics class with band people lol. And Ravenscraft seems really cool.

2nd Period-Concert Choir with OC: Choir is so chaotic. It was insane. There are 37 people in choir......no not 3...not 7...but 37!!!! EWWWWWW And OC was having a hard time managing all 37 people and it was only the first day. Oy vey. Moving on.

3rd Period-English Lit Honors with Isabelli: You'll laugh at me...but I was actually nervous sitting there in his class. I was not calm at all...so I decided to make myself appear extremely energetic which turned out to not be a bad idea. I was so worried about getting on the bad side of Isabelli because I've heard so many bad stories about him....I was freakin' nervous sitting there listening to him talk about the class!!! But it turned out to be ok....I survived...and I seem to be on the good side of Isabelli so far...we'll see what he thinks of me a couple weeks from now...I'm gonna look like such a dumbass...we have like the 5 smartest people in the Junior class in Lit. Boy do I feel small....::sigh::

4th Period - Wind Ensemble con Sundell: Band is sweet. Need I say more?

5th Period - Lunch/Orchestra with people: Yeah, I didn't know I was supposed to go to Orchestra so I went to Lunch instead ::shrugs:: Oh well..,.sorry Patrice..I kinda ditched you...I kept walking with Beth who also had lunch at the time.

6th Period - Advanced Math with Healey: Healey's cool. I like him...he doesn't seem like a bad teacher either. I'm not too worried about this class at the moment....why? Well, he's like you're not going to be tested on waht you were assigned the night before...::raises eyebrow:: so math class last year must have been abnormal...we had chapter tests the same week we started it. Naturally I failed and obviously I dropped honors because I didn't like the pace. I'm sorry...I like math...I consider myself to be pretty decent at it....but I'm not a math whiz or that fast of a learner. ::Shrugs:: Just deal.

7th Period - Gym with the gym teachers: I hate gym with a passion. I wanted to take dance class so badly because I actually try and I'm actually interested!!! Grrrr damn you OC and the choir-ness and the physic-ness. So apparently this year, we all have to take fitness tests and based on our scores we get to choose what gym class we take. Bullshit. I'm gonna be like in the hardest working one. I mean....I don't really want to do Outdoor Ed...don't really want to cook eggs all the time....I wanna play some sports....I might not even mind weight training...just don't get me in the pool. I hate the water...so much...there's a reason why I don't really go to the pool during the summer...I prefer just laying in my backyard to tan rather than going to the pool...I really really don't like it. :-P

8th Period - US History Honors with Dircks: So the lady seems to know what she's talking about...that's fine. She actually comprehends social studies...taht doesn't mean I have to automatically favor her. She's so....mean. ::Shrugs:: I'll try and get on the good side of her....yeah, I'll suck up if I have to. She reminds me of Shenk a little...except I liked Shenk better. Haha Shenk--oh man I'm gonna miss her lol good times. Oh btw there are 13 people in my US History class...let's just say...there will be lots of personal attention which means I should probably be prepared and actually speak up (I hate participating in class discussions because I'm really bad at gathering my thoughts and putting them in words and make some kind of sense).

So that was my first day of school. Tomorrow's gonna be interesting. More sitting and more piling of the books. Can't wait. Hear the excitement in my typing?.......That's waht I thought.

Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 19 August :: 11.29 am

New Schedule
Oh yeah...I went in on Tuesday to change my schedule so here it is....not a whole lot's different:

1. Physics -- Ravenscraft
2. Concert Choir -- O'Connor
3. English Lit Honors -- Isabelli
4. Wind Ensemble -- Sundell
5. Lunch/Orchestra --
6. Advanced Math -- Healey
7. Jr/Sr PE
8. US History Honors -- Dircks

who said that?

:: 2004 19 August :: 11.23 am
:: Mood: blank

Well here it is 10:20 AM
Freshman Orientation this morning. Hehe. During the first part...where all the counselors come out and talk, they showed the senior video they showed at the last assembly and I almost cried. They showed pep band and....::sigh::

So during the tour, my friend and I both had about 10 girls to show around and stuff...and when we went to where their lockers were, about 7 of them walked off and didn't come back. Of course my friend and I are freaking out because we lost 7 girls. Turns out they ditched us and joined another group. Yeah....that wasn't cool. They should've told us that they were planning on going to a different group...I wouldn't have had a problem with it...they can go for all I care...it's just...let me know so I'm not lost in the dark!

Now's 10:25 and I'm bored. I guess I have to read my summer reading book....maybe I'll go outside and run....but I don't want to go out in my neighborhood because half the school lives by me and I don't want them see me half passing out in our neighborhood...I guess it's back to the treadmill. Alright..I'll go find something more productive to do.

Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 18 August :: 11.01 pm

Band Camp
I want to just curl up in a ball and cry. I hate this...I feel so _______ (<--- fill in the blank)

I'm just disappointed by everything and just poop on a stick. I realized today how much I'm gonna miss the guys in band. ::Sigh:: During Star Spangled Banner...the trumpet dude didn't hit the note and I could feel my eyes wanting to tear up...and then for Hey Baby, the tuba kid didn't play and I was so disappointed. ::Sigh::

I should just give up....yeah? Yes. I realize...there's no chance that it'll ever happen and it's because of the way I am. I don't know waht the fuck to do anymore. I try...I really do...it's just not in me I guess...I wasn't born with it and it must be a natural talent then. ::Sigh:: School shouldn't start...I don't want it to anymore...because this means that I have to see people and I don't want to see people anymore.

I'll go "read" now...that's I think the 3rd day in a row I've said that that's exactly waht I'm gonna do. I'm screwed. Why do I do this to myself?

The bad week must be rapidly approaching because I'm super pissy right now. Blah.

Maybe I'll just go to bed instead....I have to wake up early tomorrow....around 6:30 so I can help the incoming freshman get lost....I mean learn their way around the school. So bye.
Always, Sandy

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