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toki

:: 2008 20 February :: 9.30am
:: Mood: rushed
:: Music: Going Through the Motions- Bufffy!

Hi.

I'm pretty tired. Pretty much done with life.

I had to shoot portraits for my class today. I'm terrible at portraits. Like, so terrible that I might as well not go to class today. That and I still have to go to Calumet to buy paper to print these portraits and then get to school by noon to print then get to the art institute by 1 to meet my class. Afterwards, I'm coming home and eating a tasty salad, which will be my only food all day other than a slim fast. And then it's time to make 7 web pages. Then, somewhere between there, I have to get 5 shots for photojournalism. Yeah. Then I plan on dying. But only after Thursday. Because that's when a lot of stuff is due.

Only good news- buying my new iMac tomorrow. Yay. Tomorrow is the day I officially sell out and give into the world of mac.

Sorry, I know everyone is stressed out, but that's why I'm whining here so no one will read it. ;-)

Aight, I have to go wake Ryan up so he can get ready and drive me to Calumet. Because he's awesome like that.

I wish I lived in Buffy world. And I could be best friends with them and fight demons and talk all witty and stuff. Or I wish it was summer already so I could dye my hair red and pretend I'm Willow.

Poop- definitely in a mood today.

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toki

:: 2008 27 January :: 11.49pm

I just made a huge batch of uber chocolatey brownies. Which, of course, screws up my whole diet. I also did not work out today. Which is also very against what I am trying to do. I also did not do any laundry and did not clean the litter box or Sun's tank. All of these things should make me feel like a complete and total failure. They don't. I am enjoying the chocolatey goodness of my brownies and the amazing feeling that you get after spending an entire day on your ass watching television.

Anyways, I start school tomorrow. And I asked them to bump up my hours at work. Meaning after today, I will have no sit on my ass days left. Sad. Very very sad. That and my feet hurt really bad. And my shoulders and back and legs. God damn freaking working out.

Actually, I am very proud of the fact that three times last week I worked myself as hard as I could. It feels good. I mean, it was only 20 minutes each time. And I'm still a total fat ass. Still need to lose 20-30 pounds. But I'm three workout sessions closer, yes?....I guess.

Blech. Waiting for Ryan to get home so I can see him for 30 seconds before he takes a shower and goes to bed. Fun.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2008 17 January :: 10.37pm

So I'm only writing in here so much cuz I seem to be missing friends, but mainly a roommate who I can just spew thoughts to.

I'm excited about this show, Scorched, because he wants something big and unrealistic, and we have an awesome budget for it. I'm worried that, like all the things I get super excited about, it's going to fall short or something will be retracted and I'll end up disappointed...again.

I'm pretty sick of that happening, actually. I don't mind going day to day with nothing exciting, though I'd probably whine there was nothing interesting. But it would be nice if the things that excite me so much that I tell everyone I see did not fall through so when they ask how it went, I don't have to embarressingly admit that it acutally didn't happen at all.

I can finally pay for school, so I can finally register this week, thank god.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2008 8 January :: 1.08pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: The Dryer

I don't know what i'm doing. i might not go to school next semester because of money and that means no lasers like i promised faith and no shows like i said i'd work on. i also can't pay rent. i hate myself for that. and also for doing whatever it is that i did wrong. i shouldn't be this affected, logically, being only a week, but it still stings to the point where i'm doing anything to avoid thinking about it. i've watched more movies the last three days than i have in all of the semester put together. it's easier.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2007 15 December :: 11.39pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: the refrigerator

::edit:: whenever i make plans period, they fall apart.

and then i'm disappointed...big surprise.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2007 9 December :: 12.52am

It has been forever since I've written in here.

For everyone else, too, I checked.

I just need to vent about boys, I guess. It's easier to have my mind on that than the fact that I'll probably fail all my classes.

Why is it when I am bold enough to make plans with guys I'm interested in, they blow up at me? And why do I keep falling for everyone?

First was Whit in the summer from Redmoon.
Then it was sort of Mark
Then sort of Charlie
and now Axel (Frank) for sure.

Couldn't tell you why. But it'd be nice to actually have something come out of it.

A relationship, maybe.

It's probably the thing I need most right now. Despite how close Faith and I are, I know she'll find someone more interesting to spend all her time with and then I'll be searching for someone to grasp onto, just like always.

I know why Frank is the new one. He's playful. I miss having someone to play with. We got in a snow fight on Wednesday and he's always teasing and it's fun. I miss that.

Maybe an update later. I'm super behind in EVERYTHING!

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toki

:: 2007 10 July :: 7.44am
:: Mood: exanimate

So. I haven't updated this in basically forever. Which means that at 7:45am when I'm supposed to be getting ready for school is the perfect time to do so.

I've been exhausted for the past three weeks. No amount of sleep is really helping either. Last week I got like...10 hours? of sleep. Still exhausted. Only three days of school left though....ashdljasfhjkdssf. Which I honestly am kind of not excited about. I'm glad the work will be gone, but now the only people I'll have to talk to during the day will be me. Ryan is at school everyday until 5 and I work everyday except Monday and Wednesday at 6. Meaning I'm going to see even less of him than when I was just in school.

Another huge source of frustration is Harry Potter. Sounds dumb, I know. But I have these traditions, yeah? And I look forward to these things all year only to have to miss the midnight showing and go to the book release in whatever bumblefuck town we're in the night it comes out. I really want to go to OBX, but I want to go the VH midnight book party with my friends. And I want to see Harry Potter tonight. And I hate responsibilities. I hate growing up and not being able to have my life revolve around Harry Potter anymore.

:-( And I have to go back to work tonight. After a week off. I hate work. I hate commuting. I hate serving. I hate people thinking I can't think for myself. Because, apparently, I need to be told every ten seconds what I need to do by someone who has served a total of zero times. Because they are the "brain" and I am the "hands". I don't need to think, really. How awesome is that? Finally a job where people realize how much of an idiot I really am!!! I'm just so bored with it. Any chance they give me to do another position for a second I grab. But for some reason they think the only thing I can do well is have other people think for me and to pick up other people's garbage. I want a quiet job. In a bookstore or library or something. I hate having a job. It's lame and stupid and gsadkncmcxvdsflkd.

Oh and I have to finish my book tonight. On top of work and missing Harry Potter. Oh man, I'm a huge mess today. I ruined two of my prints last night when I was cutting them down. And I realized I didn't have enough paper. I know. I'm a fucking genius. Yeah. My book isn't going to be the greatest. Which sucks. I really wanted this to look good.

Oh, and my apartment is a total fucking mess. Complete. And I have to time to clean it. Or any desire to really. But it's frustrating me how dirty it is. It annoys the hell out of me, but I don't feel like changing it. See? I'm nuts.

Ok...time to get clothes on and go to class....asfjklsdfkero. Wish me luck. Hopefully I finish my final for digital today. :-p

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toki

:: 2007 8 May :: 9.56pm

STRESSSSSSSSSS

Gahr. Times ten.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2007 15 March :: 12.10am
:: Mood: angryannoyedbusyconfuseddepresseddistressedexhaust
:: Music: edjealousmelancholyrestlessrushedscaredshockedsleepystressed

JustEverything
You know that famous scene of I Love Lucy where she's working the chocolate factory and everything's going okay, but it quickly gets out of hand and the women start to do everything they can to get rid of the chocolates they can't wrap?

That's pretty much how I feel. Like everything's going alright, but it's going too fast for me to handle and I don't know how to take it. Everyday it seems like there's something new that needs a deep breath, but I just try to keep taking it.

Like my speech: Easy and slow does it...I get through most of it. I realise I've messed up. I start thinking. How can I fix it? They won't know why he's said that. Just continue. Oh, gosh, where was I? Keep talking. You know what you're saying. I can't breathe. Talk. Can't breathe. Words. ::Gasp:: Line. ::Gasp:: "Omg, I'msosorry, I'mkindahavingapanicattack." ::sob:: ::run::

It's like that. I want to dunk my head underwater and study the sandy bottom of a pool. Or sit on a wall, feel the wind, read all day, and forget everything else. Or go home and take a long, hot bath and watch a movie before going to bed.

I can't though.

No time. Luckily, Patrice and I are getting along which makes life so much easier. Because she and Ryan talk to me and make living here and being frantic bareable. And they're fun when we actually get to hang out. I just missing having more time to do it.

Mushroom came today. We hadn't talked since winter break. Then yesterday, he texted me, pretty insistant that we get together. Which is weird. He wondered why I didn't call him to tell him stuff. But why would I call someone who's mad at me? And suddenly, because of my family issues, all friend issues with him are forgiven, healed, and sealed? I questioned him on it, and though it doesn't make any sense, that's definatly what he said. It's unnerving and I don't agree with it. It's like in movies when the popular, dreamy guy asks out the nerdalicious chick, there's always a bet or a catch of some sort.

Then there's Kristen with whom I am also having issues. I just feel rejected. And I understand that she's still in high school. But that means it's going to be worse when she moves away to Indiana. I just hate the fact that I feel like I have three family members (Patrice, Ryan, Tyler), a boyfriend and one friend. Other than my mum and dad, she's the only reason I go home and the only reason I actually spend any amount of time there. We have all the same shit and better in Chicago. So it's actually her I want to see, not VH.

Bill's good though. He's a positive in my life, mostly. He's such a sweetheart. He really cares for me. Which is also mostly good. Because I know I dont feel exactly the same. I definatly care for him, but not the way he does for me. He's fantastic to whine to, but that's all I do, as far as I can tell. I think that's annoying though, but he's not much of a conversationalist. I don't know. It's nice to have a companion, but I almost feel that he's not exactly going to be the right kind. Right now, like I said, it's nice to have a companion like that, someone that'll hold me and stuff. It's comfortable, which is a horrible reason to have a boyfriend and most of the reason I didn't want one. It's all very selfish reasons, not simply because I like the guy.

I like my job, too. The new one. I still have to quit the chocolate place. I'm going in tomorrow to quit and try to get the shift for tomorrow covered. Wish me luck. I don't know what to say.

I'm trying to pick a mood with which to head this. It's tough. I'll just type a bunch because there are so many things that I'm feeling.

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toki

:: 2007 25 January :: 12.53pm

Coffee makes me very jittery. Yay for four cups of coffee today!!!!!!!!!!

In other news, I'm basically a terrible person because I just suck at being a friend! Yay! 10 points to me for sucking at life!

Kiwi is being a crazy woman today.

Actually, she's a CAT. Not a woman. Not at all.

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toki

:: 2007 18 January :: 6.06pm

I want to go home so badly right now. I don't want to live on my own. I feel like I'm a little kid pretending to be independant and realizing that I really don't want to be. Only I can't stop. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2007 9 January :: 11.42pm

i feel like im fucking up life so much right now. im negative 100 dollars in my account and i have a ticket to pay and five parking tickets (ive had really really bad luck lately) and now im not going to be able to pay rent. this fucks me up soooo much.

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toki

:: 2007 6 January :: 10.17am
:: Mood: Poopy

:-P

R.H. is gone. :-( I'm exhausted and poopy and now I have to clean.

May I also mention that I've gained way too much weight in the past two weeks? What's wrong with me? I think I would gain weight even if I stopped eating. -.- argh.

Anyhoo. Bye chicitas. I think I might skip cleaning and go straight to bed.

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toki

:: 2006 24 December :: 9.43pm
:: Mood: depressed

Merry Christmas, all.

I haven't been this crappy in a long time.

I'm honestly now good enough. Nothing about me is good enough. I'm sick of trying.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2006 18 November :: 1.20am
:: Mood: contemplative

I'm at a strange point i never thought i'd find myself at...i could easily find myself in a relationship in a week. i could also easily find myself in temporary consolation with a few guys. logically, one says, the relationship. but i've weighed the circumstances. i'd be hindered to a certain extent...rather than doing what i want when i want. i kinda like going out to dinner or lunch with whomever asks and not worrying about who's going to care.

on the other hand, it'd be nice to have someone who i can always call and they're prepared to come see me. but that also means that i'd have to be the same way...or that they may be over too much...::cringe:: i dont know what i want right now and i really dont want to drag anyone into my life without really caring for them.

i somewhat feel like a whore, as well as like im walking away from something that i need...but i dont know waht i need or want right now...just that im having fun in my classes and making anything i care to make. it's nice...

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