If I don't make it known that/ If i dont make it, know that/ I've loved you all along/ Just like sunny days that/ We ignore because/ We're all dumb and jaded/ And I hope to god I figure out/ What's wrong/

 

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:: 2005 26 April :: 9.57 pm

You scored as Sweet.

Exciting

69%

Sweet

69%

Shy

63%

Soft

56%

Violent

50%

Wet

50%

Hot

44%

Awkward

25%

What is your sexual style?
created with QuizFarm.com

what you think?


:: 2005 2 March :: 11.08 pm

You are a drumstick.



Absolutely insane. That is how most would describe you. You aren't afraid to take risks, and enjoy putting yourself in strange situations. Most people hang out with you because of your hilarious sense of humour. You light up any bad situation, and can help all of your friends with their problems, except for your own. Because of this, you enjoy being around people like you. Many shut you out for your very weird, random personality, but honestly, you shouldn't care.

Most compatible with: Guitar, and another drumstick.


Click here -- What Random Object Represents Your Inner Self?

what you think?


:: 2005 14 February :: 4.53 pm

I think ive finally found the school I want to go to. Ive been working on the application since 2 this afternoon. Im supposed to write about a moment that changed me and if course im writting about my brother. I just dont feel like i can ever but the whole experiance into words. I dont do it for attention. bring up my brother that is, ist just that i cant think if an event that has changed me as much as that has.
but for the first time in a long time im excited. I think i finally have something to work towards, something that makes me feel things i havent in a long time. I guess all this other time just made it that much more worth it Now if only my essays and interviews can show them how much i want this.

what you think?


:: 2005 27 January :: 4.20 pm

I feel like I owe it to everyone to tell them that Im ok. Truth is that Im not. The only people that would ever understand this are people that have truly lost someone..like mother or father..
Im reading my brothers old journal entries...and his best freind still writes to him..almost every month since he's died. They're the best thing ive come across so far. She writes to him about how she see's me or how she talked to me and that she hopes that Im doing ok. I want so badly to tell her that I am. To show my parents that Im doing ok...and I try soo hard..but Im not. I dont know how to be ok. I would give up everything in the world to talk to him one more time. I know what it feels like to lay in bed and close my eyes and concentrate so hard that my temples hurt. I tell myself that if i concentrate with my entire being that maybe I can talk to him, or feel him. ANYTHING just to feel like I havent lost him forever. But i have.

what you think?


:: 2005 26 January :: 9.32 pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: im wearing headphone..but no music..odd

shit
I hate this. I dont think ive been more scared in my whole life. Im writting a self analyzing paper for a class and i think ive had an ephiphany....and I really dont like what i see. Do i really want to put it on paper that im not really as strong and put together as i always told myself i was? I dont think i can take it back though. ive already written it in ink...I never though of myself this way...I feel like my fingers have just betrayed me.

Rough draft just a lil bit and in case i wimp out and erase it :

Somewhere early in my childhood, I decided the only way people would like me would be if I was entertaining. As long as i ignored boys I would never be threatening to the other girls around me. As long as I was always happy, and funny making lots of freindswas just a given. If ignoring guys just wasnt keeping them away, i would just always turn down any advances therefore sheilding myself from any future rejection or unpleasnt feelings, and most importantly, I would never have to look at myself and try to understand why anyone would look at me in that way in the first place. From the outside I was strong, a leader, and someone everyone wanted to be around. Now when i look back at it I feel like the only way I knew how to be was to be a constant giver...that it was my duty in life to give and give, and to not let any of my own emotions get in the way of that.

what you think?


:: 2004 6 August :: 1.35 am
:: Music: coheed

whoo quizes..
Blue
What Color is Your Brain?

brought to you by Quizilla

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:: 2004 3 August :: 12.50 am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: jazz radio station

I was just reading on one of Last Tuesdays website about how one of thier former guitarist and his wife are just going to pack thier stuff in a RV and travel around the country with the band...and i have to say..i am jealous..my freinds always say that they see me doing something like that....just meet someone..get married rediciliously fast(i want a long engagement) and just pack up and go because they already have it planned that i will marry a musician..

and id have to say its not too far from what id like.....in all seriousness i dont see any of that in my future...i dont see a husband, children, i dont see anything normal or expected..when i was younger i always just used to assume that ment i wasnt intended to live long enough to do those things..and at the time i was ok with that. i went to church, i was(and still am) confident in my salvation....its just different now. If i am right..and im not going to live long....it just makes me sad to think that i will never give my mom any grandchildren...
on another note i watched beyond borders a few days ago and it made me just want to go to some poverished country and just help..in any for..and i know how rediciliously niave that sounds...its just typical of a 20 year old american that thinks they can go around and save the world...but hey i never said i wasnt niave about certian things..at least its with good intentions...

what you think?


:: 2004 19 July :: 8.31 pm
:: Music: story of the year

I used to be such a nice person. I honestly dont know what happened

what you think?


:: 2004 15 July :: 11.08 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: autopilot off

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A PISSED OFF SERVER
I really hate my job... I hate that i love the people that i work with dispise the actual job...I hate that i have to depend on ungenerous people just to pay(rediciliously large) bills.
I just wish i understood how i can get 25 dollar tips from assholes and 8 dollars tips from freindly tables..if your bill is almost 200 dollars you better be tipping at least 20...its just the way eating out goes...if you cant handle that make a fucking PB&J sandwich.....

I just think people dont understand i make JUST over a dollar an hour....i have to PAY THE OTHER NONSERVERS FROM MY TIPS.

case and point.
had a table..their bills was 160 dollars...should have gotten AT LEAST 16 dollars(10 percent is just courtesy people.)so i have to PAY 3 dollars to the other poeple JUST for that table..i got a 8 dolalr tip....which sucks ass as is...but out of the 8 i have to pay back 3.....so i make 5 dollars off a table i should have made at least 16 from...ITS REDICULIOUS..
my monthly bills:
300 dollars for rent
25 for utilities
40 for visa bill(the min payment)
40 for capitol one(the min)
50 for cell phone
and gas for my endless pit of a gastank...
how am i supposed to pay that when i make DOLLAR AN HOUR?

***IF YOU GET GOOD SERVICE...SHOW YOUR APPRETIATION...THATS ALL I ASK***

1 um yea | what you think?


:: 2004 12 July :: 12.15 am
:: Mood: tired

every time i write i think it will be the last time
Hmm back on this thing again. I really miss my "real" journals..for some reason this just isnt as hard to write in. My roomates make fun of me when i read random people's journals. But somehow its calming to know that other people go through hard times and eventually things get better. Ive actually learned alot about myself just from reading other peoples diaries.

on another note...I went to Traverse City this weekend camping with some people..its a beautiful city im glad i can say ive been there now.....I just wish i would have driven alone because the drive back down was really thought provoking for some reason..

I woke up early this morning and got out of the tent..i didnt really know where i was going but i ended up down at the water on the swing set..I dont even really know how long i was there or even what i thought about that whole time...sometimes i guess i just feel like losing my brother was just a dream..but in reality my time WITH him seems more like the dream.....i wish i could say that its getting easier to deal with..
maybe the fact that my mom has to take antidepressants just to get through the day, and my dad and stepmom are seperated as of 3 weeks ago has just put salt on the wound...If they get a divorce i searliously have no idea how i will ever be able to have a real relationship...i never had anything to learn from growing up....Im just a result of countless divorces and remarriages and youd never even know it by looking at me.

My freinds come to ME with relationship advice, and ive never even been in one....ironic...im almost 20 and i feel a sense of pride and embarrasment about that..why does it feel so good to turn down guys? I think im trying to punish the male race in general...just from what i see them to the women i love in my life...why do i have to be so messed up.

I wish i could go one day without analyzing my life

6 um yeas | what you think?


:: 2004 19 March :: 11.27 pm

Social Life
How many friends do you think you have?:uhh 15?
How many of these people consider you a friend, also?:id say all of them
Who was the last friend you talked to?:melissa
What did you talk about?:she asked if i was mad
What do you usually do with your friends?:just hang out at my house, movies, concerts, roadtrips
Randomly name five of your friends::lisa, lyndsay, meriah, jennifer, corissa
Say something nice about friend number one...:i can have fun doing ANYTHING with her
Now number two...:she doesnt ever judge me
Now number three...:shes so carefree
Now number four...:jennifer is the most loyal person i know
Now number five...:is one of the best listeners ive ever met
Say something not so nice, but honest, about friend number one...:she ldoesnt think about consequences of her actions
Now number two...:she can be super moody
Now number three...:she left me in high school!!
Now number four...:she forgets about m when she first starts relationships with guys
Now number five...:shes not as open as id like. but then again neither am i
Do you ever wish all of your friends would leave you alone?:yes
Are you a loner?:sometimes i feel like one
When was the last time you had a serious fight with a friend?:its been awhile
What was it about?:i dont remember i dont normally get in fights
Did you resolve it, and if not, do you want to resolve it?:im sure it was resoved
Think back... when was the biggest fight you ever had with a friend?:Probably with lisa
What was it about?:she lied to me about something stupid
How long were you two mad at each other/not speaking/on bad terms?:a pretty long time
Did you resolve it?:yes. she thinks its funny now but it still pisses me off
How important are your friends to you?:im not sure anymore
Have you ever been stabbed in the back by a friend?:yes
Who do you trust the least out of your friends?:i dont know
Why?:
Who irritates you the most out of your friends?:these are mean questions
Why?:
Who have you known the longest?:lisa
Who have you known for the least amount of time?:mary
Who has the prettiest hair?:they all have cool hair
Who is the sexiest? Don't lie. You must be attracted to one of them.:all my freinds are pretty
Have you ever had a crush on a friend?:lol are you kidding me/
Did it make things weird?:
Do you love your friends?:yes
When is the next time you think you will see your friends?:sometime thsi week
Will you give them all a big hug?:probably
Don't you think you should?:i do..
On a scale of one to ten, rate your social life.:7
Family Life
How many people live in your house?:3
How many family members live close to your house?:whats close? my parents both live withen 15 miles
Do you have any siblings?:yes
Do you get along with them?:yes
Did you know the divorce rate is about fifty percent?:im sure its higher by now
Are your parents together?:nope
Do your parents have a happy marriage, if they are?:theyre both happy in thier own marriages
Who do you love the most in your family?:i love them all in different ways
Do you have any pets?:yes molly my puppy
When was the last time your fought with someone in your family?:uhh never?probably like a few years ago
What was it about?:probably just stupid stuff between me and my brother
Did you resolve it?:im sure..
How many fights happen in your house per day?:none
Do you wish that your family life was better?:were pretty close i dont think my family life is that bad. probably cause id ont live with them
What would you like to change?:better communication
Does your family have a history of physical abuse?:no
Did your parents ever hit each other?:no
Did they ever hit you?:when i was younger..spakinkg and whatnot
Do you love them?:yes
Do you hate them?:no
How is your relationship with them?:better than wheni was younger. theyre the ones i talk to when i need someone now
Do any of your family members have a history of drug abuse?:i dont think so...probably just one i can think off
Alcohol abuse?:i dont think so
Suicide attempts?:i dont think so
Mental illness?:nope...i think thats starting with me
Physical illness?:well..kinda crons diesase. gaga died from that
Is cancer a problem in your family?:i dont think so
Is your family rich?:theyre pretty well off..my dads side was always well off
How many cars do you have?:1
Do you ever spend time with your family?:yes almost every week
Is it quality time?:yes
What do you do?:i go to a support group with my mom. and i just hang out with my dad and sister and stepmom
When was the last time you hung out with your family?:my mom was about a week ago, i just went to a college fair and lunch with my dad on monday
Did you argue about anything?:of course not
What did you argue about?:
Do you have family meals?:sometimes i go to my moms on wed for dinner. and my dad has a family dinner on sunday afternoons normally
Do you spend holidays together?:yes
Rate your family life from one to ten.:9
School Life
What grade are you in?:im out
What school do you go to?:kent city
What's your favourite subject?:english/history
What's your least favourite?:math
Who's your favourite teacher?:uhh...i liked bosma. my band teacher
Why?:he was more than just a teacher..
Who's your least favourite?:jakamec..
Why?:never had him as a teacher. i just thought he was a jackass
What are your grades like?:i got a 3.8 gpa
What were they like last year?:im not in HS
How many detentions have you had in your entire school career?:uhh probably like 5
What were they for?:tardies, talking and whatnot
Have you ever been sent to the office?:yep
How many times?:a few
What for?:talking and w hanot
Have you ever been suspended?:nope
How many times?:
What for?:
For how long?:
In what grade?:
Have you ever been expelled?:
How many times?:
What for?:
In what grade?:
Are you on the honor roll?:i WAS
What's the lowest mark you've ever gotten?:C
What subject was it for?:math i believe
What grade was it in?:senior year
What's the lowest you've ever gotten?:is this not the same question as ablove?
What subject?:
What grade was it in?:
Do you get in trouble a lot?:i used to...i talked too much..well i still do im just not in hs anymore
When was the last time you got in trouble?:wheni was in HS
What did you do?:
How many schools have you been to in your whole life?:2 plus one college
Which was your favourite?:kent city
Least favourite?:its a tie between cedar springs and CMU
How big is your school?:central has about 26 thousand i think
How much homework do you get on average?:i dont remember
Do you do your homework?:kinda
Is school important to you?: yes
Rate your school life from one to ten.:ummm
Romantic Life
Have you ever had a boy/girlfriend?:nope!
How many have you had?:
What's your sexual orientation?:straight
Have you ever thought you were in love?:nope
Do you believe in love?:i think soo
Why?:i want to belive its out there
When was your last relationship?:
Who was it with?:
Who ended it?:
Why did it end?:
How long did it last?:
Are you friends with the person?:
Are you single right now?:yes
Are you happy with your status?:yes
Describe your current boy/girlfriend if you have one.:
Describe your dream boy/girlfriend.:one that doesnt cheat one me
Do you have high standards?:VERY
Are you a virgin?:indeedy do
Do you have any kinky fetishes?:im sure i will once i actually sart having sex
Do you have any fetishes at all?:suuuuure
Do you ever get hit on?:yep
Do you ever get checked out?:yep
Does it offend you?:yes and no..i like to give bad looks to guy and i like to turn them down..but i like it at the same time..thats just be being a girl
Have you ever gotten drunk and fooled around with someone you didn't like?:yes on the drunk no on the fooling around
Have you ever cheated on a significant other?:never
Been cheated on?:nope, hense the reason i dont date(much)
Are you codependant?:nope
Do you ever hit on/check out people as they walk by you?:sometimes just for fun
Do you hate relationships as much as I do?:i t hink so
Rate your romantic life from one to ten.:is there negative numbers?
Personal Life
Do you have any secrets?:yes
Do you like yourself?:some parts of myself
What's your best quality?:i make ppl happy
Do you have any talents or gifts?:sure
Do you have any problems?:yes
What are your problems?:im bitter, im cynical, im oversensative, im undecisive
What's your biggest problem?:im in a midelife crisis
Do you get on other peoples nerves?:not normally
How about your own nerves?:ehh
Why?:
Are you happy?:not really
Why?:i miss my brother alot and im no thappy with my life as is
Have you been diagnosed with any mental illnesses?:im sure that will come around at some point
How about physical things?:
What do you have?:
How often do you cry?:once a week now
How often do you laugh?:every day
How often do you wish you were someone else?:not often
Why?:everyone has crap they have to deal with
Has it occured to you that you are all you have?:yes
Don't you wish you loved yourself more?:i think i need to change alot about myself before i really love myself
What would you improve on yourself?:wow..that totally just lead me to this question, i want to be more intelligent. have more opninoins, i want to be more articulate, have more hobbies, take more chances
Why?:it will make me a 'full" person
How much time do you spend alone?:alot
Do you prefer your company to the company of others?: both for me to have fun with peoplke i need alot of time alone
What do you do in your free time?:think, write clean, sing, watch tv, take walks
Do you treat yourself with respect?:i think so
How so/how not so?:im not a slut..i dont date ppl just to make myself happy
Do you deserve respect?:yes
Why?:i repect other ppl
Have you ever hurt yourself intentionally?:i think everyone has
Why?:sometimes yu just want to feel pain
What did you do?:ugh
Have you ever wished you were dead?:yes
Why?:because i dont have much of al ife as is
Do you like your smile?:yeah its big
Do you like your eyes?:sure
Are you ugly?:i dont think so
Has anyone ever called you ugly?:umm yeah but we were just joking i called a stupid bitch
Are you beautiful?:on the inside hahah
Are you conceited?:not at all
How much do you love yourself?:i think im a good person i just want to add more to myself
Rate your personal life from one to ten.:6
Overall Life
Add the other ratings from the different facets of your life together.:22
Divde this number by five.:4
This is the overall life rating you're left with.:4
Is it accurate?:umm no?
What do you think it should be?:like a 7 or something i dont know how that math is supposed to represent that
Why?:
Are you happy with your life?:no. but i know whati need to do to change things
Why?:
What would you change?:my actions.
Are you going to change it?:im trying
Get moving!

The Different Facets Of Your Life brought to you by BZOINK!

what you think?


:: 2004 19 March :: 1.20 am
:: Mood: reflective
:: Music: ataris~in this diary

i forgot about this CD
Im really in the modd to write tonight which will probably end up being a mistake. I used to write every night, of course it was normally about how mean i thought my freinds were who which boy i was in "love" with at the moment...but still just to get out my thoughts every day was so nice. I guess i just stopped when i thought i would only feel one thing for the rest of my life: pain.

Im not gonna say that things are better. They're just different. I dont cry every day anymore, I can normally get so sleep about 75% of the nights out of the week without replaying "that night" in my mind. But theres always those times when i think of something or like yesterday when I saw an ad in the paper advertising Peeps for easter. I remember telling him a story about my trip to flordia where this was this game where you put as many peeps in your mouth and then you had to say Peep Peep....and i told him about this Huge gangsta kid that was doing it and i just remembered exaclty house he reacted and for years after that we'd still joke about the fat gangsta "peep peeing"...i mean i know that there will always be things like that that catch my attention. but they dont necessairly make me smile..not yet at least.

and then theres always times where....its not like i forget that it happened....but its LIKE that...its just something like WOW...hes gone...i cant belive it..its weird that i think about it and bring back the EXACT feelings i had when it happened in the same intensity...Im not going to say that im turning my back on my faith because of this..i just dont know how to approach something that used to bring me joy which i know can never bring me the same kind of niave joy as it did before.

WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE ALL OF A SUDDEN BECOME "RELIGIOUS WHEN SOMEONE DIES?
i just want to say, do you really belive that? is the only time you open that bible or write those scriptures is when someone dies? for what? to comfort someone? well think about this oo soo sympathetic person..if you DO believe..then you KNOW that HE will only BE there in HEAVEN waiting for me if he actually ACCEPTED god into his life and let me tell you what...he used to make fun of God...ill be the first one to say i dont KNOW anything and no one besides him and god will...but the fact remains we was defiantly not a public fan of christianity...and if you think those cards and notes with all the phony "god took his angel back home" messages on them helped YOUR WRONG...i think the only thing they left me with was an ingenuine and phony view of my own faith..who knows...


Im in that stupid "finding yoursef " stage times on hundred....i cant do anything right right now.. i feel like everythings just going to get worse and worse until i find out the one thing thats been holding me b ack...i just wish i knew what that was..
i want a punching bag and a guitar right about now..talk about weird impulses

what you think?


:: 2004 19 March :: 1.20 am
:: Mood: reflective
:: Music: ataris~in this diary

i forgot about this CD
Im really in the modd to write tonight which will probably end up being a mistake. I used to write every night, of course it was normally about how mean i thought my freinds were who which boy i was in "love" with at the moment...but still just to get out y thoughts every day was so nice. I guess i just stopped when i thought i would only feel one thing for the rest of my life: pain.

Im not gonna say that things are better. They're just different. I dont cry every day anymore, I can normally get so sleep about 75% of the nights out of the week without replaying "that night" in my mind. But theres always those times when i think of something or like yesterdayt when I saw an ad in the paper advertising Peeps for easter. I remember telling him a story about my trip to flordia where this was this game where you put as many peeps in your mouth and then you had to say Peep Peep....and i told him about this Huge gangsta kid that was doing it and i just remembered exaclty house he reacted and for years after that we'd still joke about the fat gangsta "peep peeing"...i mean i know that there will always be things like that that catch my attention. but they necessairly make me smile..not yet at least.

and then theres always times where....its not like i forget that it happened....but its LIKE that...its just something like WOW...hes gone...i cant belive it..its weird that i think about it and bring back the EXACT feelings i had when it happened in the same intensity...Im not going to say that im turning my back on my faith because of this..i just dont know how to approach something that used to bring me joy which i know can never bring me the same kind of niave joy as it did before.

WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE ALL OF A SUDDEN BECOME "RELIGIOUS WHEN SOMEONE DIES?

what you think?


:: 2004 7 March :: 12.19 pm
:: Mood: dirty
:: Music: my neighbors music

the return to normal
soo...i dont really remember thursday throug saturday that well...that sounds worse than it actually was but still
Had fun times with lyndsay and meriah and andrea thursday and friday nights
Last night lyndsay called me at my dads house and told me her boyfreind broke up with her(in a sensce0 so i took a raincheck on sleeping at my dad and headed home to play doctor to my bummed out freind. You know it started there but i have no idea how it ended the way it did. IF you fast forward like 2 hours you have 6 tipsy girls, 5 druuuunk neighbor guys, 3 other guys drinking 2 dollar boonsfarm and playing mustang sally on the ukelaleigh(sp?), plus other scgraglers that came later in the night or morning i should say...and let me tell you what 3 ppl slept in my bed last night....and none of them were me. lol. so not wanting to say that thats the only way i knew how to keep lyndsay happy..but im glad it happened the way it did. SHe cried when she wanted and laughed when she wanted...and thats what i wanted her to be able to do....still only got like 5 hours of sleep though..is what happeneds when you go to bed sometime after 5 in the morning and wake up to your giggling freind ON YOU asking for grapes..lol

now trying to get back to normal before work at 4:( im not excited but im soo poor and im going ona criuse in 3 weeks!!!
yip yip

what you think?


:: 2004 4 March :: 12.36 am
:: Mood: indifferent
:: Music: i hatttttte

heh. wasted. is the the beginign fo a new addiction. i hope not. ahh i can type asesione.i mean swedomes. dang . awesome. there we go. i take it back. i talked to setve tonight. loont time not talk toa calls me back. im all alone and i dont want to work tomorrow. its like im pretending otbe on spring brealk...break from wh at. break from nothing thats what. popcorm and rum damn thats my livrfe

1 um yea | what you think?

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