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The poems to come are for you and for me and are not for mostpeople.

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sendmemoney

:: 2006 25 December :: 3.33am

lesson learned ! can't wait for the next one
i never really considered it putting up walls but i guess that's what it really is .. i don't know why i thought that you'd be any different or that i could even begin to sort out this mess of emotions i have ready to burst out of my skull and explain to you what's in my head because it's not fair that i can't i just fucking can't and you don't understand and i get so close but it never comes out because i think once i say one word in the wrong direction it's going to explode and everything i've ever done will be wrong and i don't want to just be this way anymore and it's not fair that i can't do it it's not fair i just want you to be there for me and try to understand but instead you sit and grin and bear five minutes with me so that maybe you can get some tonight and don't even try to hide it and that's what fucking hurts that's what it is that's exactly what it fucking is and i dont want to deal with it ever again in my life of course not like it would come up anyway but just in case just so you know not me not happening and if its walls then its walls and if its irrational then so be it but fuck i'm not doing this again it's not happening you better learn girl get your shit together because it'll happen next time you're not careful if not for one reason then another damaged goods is the most appropriate term really and dead fucking on hit the nail on the goddamn head



you know though
it's better this way
it's not making love if you're not in love and it's not just sex with that trace of emotion lingering but don't worry i think it's pretty clear what it is ! because there's no trace of emotion anywhere mm mm no way not here i don't know why you'd even ask

better to just drop me off so that's what you did merry christmas to me it was going too good you know haha duh silly girl get your act together be on point because tonight is just the beginning of ten million more nights just like this

1 lover | i love susan.


sendmemoney

:: 2006 26 July :: 8.35am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Bright Eyes

I sit and take slow, deliberate hits while he chain smokes his cheap cigars, bought at a seedy gas station at 1 a.m. He's infuriatingly accomodating and I want to scream FIGHT BACK but instead I take a few more hits, two aggresively and the next so passive but he takes no notice and explains on why I am oh so very right . Decidedly I hit it again and confide, I'm very dark, and he laughs it off and asks, is that what you think? And I laugh it off too, is it hollow to him, I wonder, and put myself back, what was I thinking??

i love susan.


sendmemoney

:: 2006 13 January :: 6.12pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: fiona apple - extraordinary machine

I miss letting my eyelashes graze your cheek, your hot breath on my neck, the proximity of our lips before we get lost in a tangle of passion and lust and love and youíre inside me and we are one. Everyone I look at has the same blank face and all I see is you missing from the picture and weeks before your return. I love it when I struggle against you and you hold me so tight that, with all my might, I canít move your arm an inch because, baby, I might struggle against you sometimes but please donít let me go. I get so caught up in you and me and us and this happiness sometimes and my fears come crashing in and knocking me back to reality; I think they may be all that keeps me from floating away but itís such a staggering weight that it gnaws at my brain until I face them and let them override everything you tell me. Iíve never been so scared and so thrilled at the same time. Iíve protected myself for so long, so hard that this is unfamiliar territory weíre charting here, but whatever we encounter, I know we can face because I can be the strongest woman in the world for you. So this is love. The only possible explanation for why Iím so consumed with everything that is you, for knowing the freckles on your back with such detail, the curve of your lips with such intensity, for why I could fill pages about my insatiable desire for you, even just to be near you, for one second if thatís all I could have. You know, I criticized so much before I met you and now I understand. Sometimes you just know. Every factor can work against our favor but as long as we have that one magical moment, itís enough. When I look into your eyes and we laugh together I know. Why I waited so long for you, I know. I know why we were both at the same place that night, why five years ago we couldnít be together, why I sent you a text message so long ago even though my strategy would dictate not to, why we were hit by that hurricane and the phone connected long enough to let us speak, why we arrived at that New Years party too late. I know now to put my trust in you, because I know you are my one. Youíre the one Iíll change for and grow with. The one for whom Iíll bite my tongue in an argument because Iíd rather be happy than right, the one I always hope is on the other end when my phone rings, the one that makes me smile like a giddy little kid just to hear your voice on the other end. This whole page can be summarized in three meaningful little words, but itís everything I mean every time I say it. It terrifies me to show this to you, but Iím going to because I want you to know me inside and out like I want to know you. Iím going to bite my lip and suck it up and just drop it in your pocket and just hope you donít think Iím too crazy and maybe if Iím lucky youíll agree. I love you more than I can express in one stupid letter. I love you with my whole being, with everything I am and will become, forever.

i love susan.


sendmemoney

:: 2005 27 September :: 12.19am
:: Music: incubus - beware! criminal



okay that's it breathe in deep now hold it hold it that's it hold
them back don't let them fall exhale release it slowly that's it feel
it ? you have control don't cry don't cry you can read it all you
want the words don't offer any more meaning than they did the last
four times although now you have them memorized and just keep thinking about it STOP
it makes no difference to think about it you knew it you laughed at
this outside the 7-11 without so much as a sideways glance ..
relax , finish the joint and repeat it again and a million different
things you could reply but no no no no no nononono
you're not going to do it no matter what


pause and look over your shoulder to the screen
nothing yet.....

go inside and get it all out sit down and enjoy the show .
forgetaboutit there's nothing to think about anymore !
don't answer it don't answer it don't answer it

that is ..
if it even rings.

i love susan.


sendmemoney

:: 2005 26 September :: 8.49pm

i want to think that if i had the capacity , i'd spit in your face , tie your sunglasses to a brick and throw it through your window into everything that matters to you . but even if i had it in me , i wouldn't give you that satisfaction . i know ... no ... i want to know that you're just saying things you don't mean , thinking of the things i'm most sensitive about and attacking me because maybe that last watermelon martini was a little too much to handle . i want to think that this is why . i never want to hear you say it though . i never want to hear you say another word because the last ten million you've said have been running circles in my head for the past three days . i could repeat to you every single letter , every typo , every burning adjective . i want to repeat to you every single letter and watch as your face crumples in when you realize what you said , watch as your stomach twists when you remember what you said in days prior . i want to fly into a rage , kick in your door , take knives to all your furniture , your clothes , your bedsheets , and just torch the place . watch it all burn down in one night from one tiny little flame that escalated to a sea of fire . be what you want me to be to make it easier for you to deal with the fact that you destroyed me . i want to KNOW this is tearing you apart inside . i want more satisfaction than just the fact that i'm trying to be adult about this . i want you ... out of my life for good , memories deleted for that eternal sunshine , so the tears no longer rain down unstoppable while i'm trying to be calm , get ready for work , study for my test . it's the closure that everybody seeks that's really just an excuse to see if he's shed any tears over this , see if he's taken that picture down yet . i don't want that closure . i'm done with you . you've been replaced .

i love susan.


sendmemoney

:: 2005 25 April :: 10.06am
:: Music: counting crows ft. vanessa carlton - big yellow taxi

you should never believe a word that comes out of a man's lips , especially but not limited to if you're sleeping with him . he'll smile and he'll tell you you're not like anyone else he's known but once he has you he won't care anymore . now you're no different and consideration is a thing of the past . his stupid smartass comments beg a long reply best screamed at the top of your lungs but instead you delete that text message and leave yourself a mental note , or perhaps a more physical one , to leave that door locked no matter how badly you want to leave it open and pretend you didn't hear it and act surprised to see him when you have something he wants . but the truth is , it was never really surprising , because you gave it to him with no questions asked or terms specified and it's really just your goddamn fault for being so naive .

2 lovers | i love susan.


sendmemoney

:: 2005 20 March :: 2.32pm
:: Mood: determined
:: Music: bright eyes - first day of my life

"i'm glad i didn't die before i met you .
but now i don't care , i could go anywhere with you ..
and i'd probably be happy ."

i love susan.


plainmornings

:: 2004 31 December :: 10.01pm

wow...

its been entirely too long since i've stepped into the newly "elite" land of woohu. Well Andy, I must say that the place looks good!

To a new year... God help us in what may come.

1 lover | i love susan.


sendmemoney

:: 2004 18 December :: 4.50am
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: pablo portillo - demasiado

after i came back it just wasn't the same . and i tried not saying anything , hoping maybe it would become what it was yesterday , what it was ten minutes ago , but it just got worse and worse . i felt so violated , like my emotions were nothing , like i should shut up and take it , like that's what you wanted . now , in retrospect , i'm so nauseous . i know there's nothing wrong but maybe there is something wrong and that's the problem . como me expreso cuando hablo y hablo y nada te entra ? i feel so vulnerable . i feel like i've given you all i have and you don't know me at all . i wish i could just let you into my head and maybe you'd understand because i know you want to , i know you want to , but you just don't . i hate this feeling . i know it'll go away but i wish it would go away sooner .

i love susan.


sendmemoney

:: 2004 12 December :: 4.16pm
:: Mood: amazed !
:: Music: cypress hill - hand on the pump

a celebration was in order for the end of the semester / awesome grades / I CAN SMOKE MORE POT THAN EVER BEFORE so we got the hotel and it went under our tongues and we headed to the beach so we didn't burn up stuffing nine people in one tiny little room and once we got there we realized we forgot the tequila but by then it was too late because we'd never make it back to the room alive trying to cross collins ave. when which cars were real ? and i saw that bus but he didn't so does that mean i'd be alive right now and he wouldn't or it just doesn't mean anything at all ? so we made it to the room but nobody even wanted any tequila and brian spilled the salt anyway all over his hand ... maybe he doesn't even need any more tequila . so why did we come back to the room ? and we went back to the beach with that same dilemma with the cars and this building wasn't here last time ... but let's go a different way because this is a concentration camp and i don't want to be here ! so okay just forget it look , it's a palace , and i guess you're right . but i'm soooooo hungry so it's back to collins to get some food , and i have twenty dollars ! and ana has twenty dollars and lance has twenty dollars ! and we can have all the food we want but after three croquetas i realize i'm not even hungry at all so you can finish them and the chicken wings too but let's go back to the room . so we finally made it to our destination but it's constantly changing so it's not much of an accomplishment but anyway we're chilling and awesome until there's a knock on the door and so much for security because now we have to drive anyway so i guess it's over but just try not to let yourself focus on one thing for too long especially not the lines on the road but especially not the stoplights because maybe you won't really see the right color so just try and stay behind one car for the entire ride home and ONE MORE DAY TO LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND , TO GO WHERE YOU HAVE NEVER EVEN TRIED . DON'T YOU LET YOUR INHIBITIONS GUIDE YOUR WAY .

i love susan.


sendmemoney

:: 2004 21 November :: 3.17pm

como es que me puedes arrastrar por el suelo como si nada ? meterme el fucking cuchillo y sacarmelo y decirme , deberiamos seguir saliendo . FUCK YOU . yo te di todo lo que tenia . tu me metiste en la cabeza que tu no eras asi como los otros y yo te crei todas las fucking palabras de mierda y ahora te burlas en mi cara y me enseŮas de muy mal forma que nunca , nunca , nunca deberia confiar tanto en otra persona . ojala que sigas buscando esa persona que me dijiste que habias encontrado en mi . ojala que la fucking encuentres man y aprendas que nadie mas en este mundo va a ser como fui yo contigo . no voy a estar esperando tu carro en mi casa y no voy a seguir chequiando si es el tuyo cada vez que oigo uno pasar . voy a borrar tus fucking correos y todas las fotos y quemar estas flores y este muŮequito que se parece tanto a ti pero voy a lleverme este recuerdo para nunca mas acceptar a nadia como te accepte a ti . "ok" ? ya ? con eso estas satisfecho , no ? con decirme que me vas a destruir la vida y que no tenias la primera intencion de llamarme ? bueno entonces fuck you . nos vemos en una fiesta y ojala que estes con otra que baila mejor que yo y te entiende mejor que yo y te quiera mas que yo pero no lo creo posible . y bueno , que aprendas que tus palabras tienen sentido y si vas a salir con alguien con menos experienca que tu , estas responsable por las emociones de esa persona . no abuses . fuck you .

3 lovers | i love susan.


sendmemoney

:: 2004 21 November :: 6.11am

there's nothing left that can go wrong .

i love susan.


sendmemoney

:: 2004 19 November :: 5.33pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: pink floyd

do you have any idea what it's like to be stuggling to fulfill someone else's dream for you ? to smile and lie through your teeth about your own happiness just to give somebody else theirs and not have them care about it ? to not have what you want because you're too busy caring about what they want and in the end , they don't even notice ? it's times like these that make it a little harder to keep promises and a little easier to just leave the house and a little happier to give yourself what you wanted , even just once . it's times like these i know you're not there for me because i cried to myself this time . it's times like these i know i'm not what i make myself out to be and so does everybody else . the bills keep on coming and i'm not running but maybe one day i'll just pull all my courage together and find what i want and follow my heart and forget your dreams and mail you a check every two weeks until my dues are paid . i'll start a new life somewhere without anyone except one and you'll already be used to the quiet house and the empty chair before i've even finished packing .

1 lover | i love susan.


sendmemoney

:: 2004 19 November :: 1.28am
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: beatles - lucy in the sky with diamonds

is this a joke ? bullshit man .


Tickets (Buzz Bake Sale)
Full Price Tickets US $35.00 x 2
Total Building Facility Charge(s) US $4.00 x 2
Total Convenience Charge(s) US $8.15 x 2

Order Processing Charge(s) US $4.10
Standard Mail No Charge

TOTAL CHARGES US $98.40

100 dollars for two buzz bakesale tickets ? what bullshit !

1 lover | i love susan.


sendmemoney

:: 2004 11 November :: 11.13pm
:: Mood: amazing !
:: Music: alicia keys ft. usher - my boo

no hay nada que compara a hacer el amor con alguien que amas . dimelo cantando mi amor o dimelo sonriendo o dimelo suavesito o damelo suavesito y dime que bailando me conosiste . ya no somos novios . ya tu eres mi otra mitad baby si no eres mas que eso . tu eres mi mundo entero y te daria el mundo entero si no mas se te ocurre que lo quieres . podemos recorrer el mundo entero y no hay nadie que compara contigo . yo no sabia que esto existia y si podria yo volveria a ese dia en junio en esa fiesta y te pediria que te casaras conmigo para no gastar esos seis meses sin tu presencia en mi vida y ahora mismo estuviera a tu lado en vez de en mi casa escribiendote algo que nunca veras por lo timida que soy . pero no te preocupes baby ( me estoy imaginando tu sonrisa porque se que preocupacion no es problema para ti ) que estoy trabajando en areglar eso y si la solucion esta en tomarme mil fotos y dejarme llever lo hare con gusto mi amor . que mas te puedo decir que tu no sabes todavia ? todo lo que estoy cayendo en cuenta ahora es todo lo que tu me has estado diciendo pero es que perdoname baby pero yo no sabia ... si me disculpas te prometo que lo que sigue valdra la pena de tener que pasar por mis estupidezes si tengo que pasar el resto de mi vida demonstrandotelo .

i love susan.

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