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I want OFF this rollercoaster.

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:: 2005 13 December :: 10.40 am

I had a whole lot written here.....and now it's gone.

I'm so sending a message now. This whole back space page changing text disappearing thing is now working for me.

1 wave goodbye. | Pull the lever.

:: 2005 1 November :: 11.59 pm
:: Music: Don McLean

If you believe in Rock 'N Roll
So the way I see it, it's November 1st. While that may seem like something obvious, I've decided it means a little more.

See, what my problem (among many, I know) is that I let it build up. I have something I want to write and share and then just no time to write it up and post it. Then I put it off till the next day but by then I don't want to write it but have new things from that day that I want to type up. But traditionally and linearly I can't skip the first day and write the next day or it'll be out of order and not make sense and all that. So then I can't write the new day until I've done the first day and so on and so on. This thusly causes quite the backup. Months and months long unfortunately. And that leads me to the first. First of November. And I've decided yet again to let go of the baggage of holding out to writing the first day and just start with now again.

That's why this keeps happening.

I realize you all've missed out on my move-in and adjusting up here and all the little goings on and such. Big stuff. Sorry. I really miss keeping in touch and the chatter and knowing all the inside stuff and closeness and all. I don't want the distance, I want the closeness. Same page.

What to say now? It's been so long. I feel so out of the loop. So you all must feel so out of my loop too. Let me try then neh?

14 hour drive up. So painful. 8 hours to Gainesville with layover there. Funstuff. 6 hours to Atlanta. I was pretty sick for most of the drive, curled in a ball in the front seat with the same cd playing over and over and over and over for hours. Dad kinda got sick of that since I used the car cd player....but at least it was good music..heh. Yay Something Corporate!
Oh, the hurricane was coming. So mom stayed home with Katie. Good thing for some part, less stress and more easygoing. But sad too. Wanted her to be there when I moved in. Just that moment.

The few days of settling in were usual. Roommate and her parents were here; they were pretty nice though the dad was kinda scary. Well, all the girls and their parents were here. First day perceptions of everyone and basically all turned out to be pretty wrong but twas interesting. I forget how small my dad seems compared to other dads in physique. But he was right in there on the lofting bed situation and had all the tools in hand working away lifting stuff and figuring stuff out above any of the other parents. So odd. But mom wasn't there to do the mom stuff. I had to ask Sarah (roommate)'s mom to help me line the drawers and what I should do with certain girly things and all. Really made me sad.
Eventually all settled and the first few days of settling in and all. Took a while to orient with the girls and get used to everything, still not used to everything, but it works. Practically none of them had done sleep-away camp and a few had never even heard of it before. That's why I think being away like this is a bit easier for me. Three years of a couple weeks away from home and all. That and home was crappy a lot of the time. But the other girls were really homesick and crying all the time and upset and all. Did what I could to help them. Not to say that I wasn't sad and homesick. I just couldn't feel it. It took a lot longer to register and then I just couldn't cry. For some reason especially not in front of the other girls. I don't think any of them have seen me cry yet even now.

The best of the freshman events, of which there were few, was Songfest! Now Amy can go on and on about this but I've got the bragging rights. See for Songfest, each residence hall has to learn songs with the words changed to fit the school and such and corresponding dances and all. It's so much fun. SO On the big day of Songfest, my res hall (I'm in Thomas Hall but it's connected to Hopkins and Smith so we're called Complex) was heading down to the field and I turned around and the whole pathway form where I was all the way back to the dorm was swarmed with our group. Like hundreds. It was crazy. Loved it! Amy's res hall did awesomely well, they were quite close to beating us......but in the end we totally showed everyone how to do it and Complex won Songfest for the second year in a row. It was such an amazing feeling, I love competing like that. All the adrenaline and cheering and winning. Hehehe
There are definitely some major bragging rights with this. Oh man I simply cannot let this go. ^_________^

My classes are pretty good. I've got Biology with lab which apparently is supposed to be impossible and a huge weedout class since I'm at the pre-med school. Meh. But I enjoy bio. Psychology is technically biopsychology it seems....but it's amazingly interesting. Just really difficult multiple-multiple choice tests. Stats and Probability is pretty easy, an annoying General Education Requirement. Freshman Seminar called Suffering, Healing, and Redemption which I call a religion/psych mix since it's uber philosophical and psychological but is technically a religion/jewish studies course. The teacher is a rabbi-ish's really weird to learn from his point of view. But in October I literally had two full weeks off of the class due to Jewish holidays. It was excellent! I really like that class, just no grades but the final paper so I'm a bit iffy now on how this paper will turn out. No idea how he grades. Plus a FAME (Freshman Advisoring Mentor thingymabob) that I had to do for 6 weeks. Quite annoying. If you weren't around when I was venting about the trip they made us go group had to go to Savannah for one Saturday early in school. 4 hour drive. I'm so not a car person like that. Ugh painful. Plus a lot of music: Wind Ensemble (winds + brass + perc), Percussion Ensemble, private lesson. Yeah, I declared music as my current major, doubled with an undecided. That way I get free private lessons. Otherwise the lessons would be $800 A SEMESTER!!! Horrific. So that's where I'm at with that.

As far as clubs go I've been sucked into the Billiards club mainly. That's so much fun! I absolutely love it! They taught me how to hold the cue and all the differerent details and I'm actually pretty good! It's fun.
Also in Outdoor Emory but no luck on making any trips. Looking forward to learning to waterski. And go rock climbing and caving and maybe rafting and such.
Then I'm signed up for Art Club, Culinary Club, Astronomy Club, Volunteer Emory, Fencing, and Greek info......heh. Haven't made any of those meetings yet though. ^^"

Next update: Parent's Weekend, Birthday, Girls, Anime.

Pull the lever.

:: 2005 13 August :: 9.35 pm
:: Music: 93rock online

updates with no time context

Coming home from the mall with three bags of clothes from really cool sales has some kind of satisfying feeling.

2 hours at the DMV. She's still not ready to drive. Barely 20 hours, no night driving, she just isn't ready. But she can now, legally.

Peter Jennings died. He was...amazing. He had such brilliant common sense and was curious about everyting. People who never watched him won't understand... But he was the one who got me hooked on knowing the news, interested in knowing what was going on in the world.

Re-learned a word: vitriol
vit·ri·ol Audio pronunciation of "vitriol" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (vtr-l, -l)
1. See sulfuric acid.
2. Any of various sulfates of metals, such as ferrous sulfate, zinc sulfate, or copper sulfate.
2. Bitterly abusive feeling or expression.

Krystle got an intersting new feature from her travel...
She's full of life and energy, it was awesome to see her.
Yay for a bracelet of red and blue!

Issues with the church. I dunno.

Amanda left. The firstest. I feel close to spinning off in a rage of insanity. o.0 Just really hard to handle. Things feel like they're unraveling. I know who can help me and give me some stability....but I feel like if I go to them every time I start to feel like this (which has and will be often) they'll be sick of me and then I'll just become a bother until I get shut out completely.

Jen and Andy and Denver have come back. The people online. They've been gone for quite a number of months. I don't rely on them like I used to. But it's nice to have them back.

Jen's return has prompted a restart of our rp. It's been 2 years or so since I've role-played and goodness have I missed it. But boy I'm rusty. Fun though.

Mom really screwed up the muscles in her neck and arm. They've always been messed up but she did some gardening thing and now it's like it's broken, she can't move it or do anything. Causes some problems for me. Like those 2 hours. It's fine....but bleh.

Really starting to freak out about not having classes. I don't know what I should do..set them up, look over all of them, eh.

Gainesville - 25th.

Pull the lever.

:: 2005 6 August :: 11.32 pm

Subject Grade
Additional/Extra subjects
EE/TOK points: 0
Total points: 29
Results: Diploma awarded


1 wave goodbye. | Pull the lever.

:: 2005 1 August :: 3.20 pm

I've been incredibly depressed lately. Well, technically it would alternate or fluctuate....but I would just crumble and feel numb and cold and alone and upset. It's been really hard to deal with. And this isn't something I typically write here, is it? Oh well.

I finally talked to someone when I hit a really deep pit and I had things planned to try and explain what I was feeling since I had no idea why I was breaking down andhoped they could help me figure out why...but I couldn't even put that stuff together to say (yeah, phones rock my socks, love 'em). Just crying and I didn't even know if I should be bothering them with what was wrong, if it was right to talk to them about how I was feeling and force it on them and whatever. But I figured it wasn't every time...just this really hard hit that I couldn't seem to get over.

And they seemed to know what was wrong. I guess they're seems to fit.
Scared about the change.
I really really can't handle it.

College and moving and people leaving and starting over.
The change. All of it.

And I'm just freaking out and breaking down and I feel nothing. It's like I'm hollow. And it's scary. And I don't know how to talk to people about it, or if it's something I talk to people about, or if it's fair for them to deal with since it's a constant for me and if they help me once, I'll end up going to them more often and then I'll never let them alone.

But I dunno. I guess this is my attempt at trying to write something good about feelings and change and the future.
I'm scared. And it's making these last few weeks really really difficult.

1 wave goodbye. | Pull the lever.

:: 2005 28 July :: 7.09 pm
:: Mood: anxious

dedicated to band...what can I say?
This is called me REALLY not wanting to do work:

Read more..

179 out of 500? BWAHAHA!!!

Pull the lever.

:: 2005 13 July :: 3.26 pm

flower in the vase and almost missed mom's birthday and my phone still has no screen
=osagelady has added Street Fiddler to their favourites. Jul 9, 2005, 12:17 PM


My first favorite! YAY!

I need to add more to DA....hmm...

been cleaning and gathering stuff
and seeing doctors and appointments and things

not cool stuff

I, Robot is a rocking movie

and Coldstones is evil for taking away cake batter icecream
thereby taking away Birthday Cake Remix
thereby stealing my comfort food away

it was better than popcorn for a while

I really need to give all these gifts out...
they accumulate with all the holidays and birthdays that I forget to give them out on.....oops

Dad and Katie come home...Sunday? sometime
Mom's been driving me insane
very not happy I didn't get my time alone

suddenly extremely looking forward to college

With love...

Pull the lever.

:: 2005 3 July :: 3.14 pm

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Go here. And give 5 minutes. Watch the trailer, it's really good.

And then I question myself. And question the world.

Damn. I'm so lost.

Pull the lever.

:: 2005 26 June :: 9.41 pm
:: Mood: reflective
:: Music: Andy, You're a Star ~The Killers

someday.....someday has come
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

I've been trying to figure out the name of that book forever!! I miss that book. Do you remember it? It defined my young schoolar years.

Yes, I finally found her again. Both of them. They were my best friends. If I've ever been asked who my best friends are, I'll still name them. (Take no offense, I don't like the labels so I don't narrow down any of my friends into that category. Just them.) I haven't seen them in.....10 years. 10. A whole decade.
And she was still ecstatic to hear from me. Ecstatic to see me. It's a good thing she's more decisive than I am. Yesterday after she sang for church I met her. I was walking toward Rotelli's on Atlantic to meet her I hit one intersection and BAM there's this girl walking down toward me. Something made me stop, but I didn't know, I wasn't sure. I was dumbfounded. She kept repeating "Kristen?" you know, to be sure it was me but it took me a good couple seconds to return to reality.
She looked different. But she was still Caroline.
It was weird....sitting in that restaurant talking to her. Every now and then we'd both stop and one of us would say how strange it was. But I loved it. I've not been that happy in so long.
Ever since I left I've wanted to see them again. Every year I'd plan to find them. Plan to hunt them down and reconnect with them. But I never did. I always doubted if they remembered me. If they would want to see me again.
It was second grade when I left. I always wondered if they'd ask why. She did. I hate why. I don't understand why. I've always regretted why. It haunts me.
We had a few awkward moments, but we found things to talk about. After dinner and icecream we hooked up with 2 of her friends from church. They were nice but I was at a bit of a disadvantage. We all sat on the stage and chatted. It was relaxing. But I couldn't help looking over at her still being stunned that it was really her.
I still can't believe it.

And when she gets back from Europe, I'll finally see Meerali again. I've missed her so much.
You never forget that very first friend. The very first best friend.

This was major crucial news to me! I had no idea! So very close...
It's a perfect location too, corner of Atlantic and Swinton. Crazy.

There's this one person. You know those people who make a mark on your life? And you for some reason have this very strange bond? Like it's someone you know you can talk to about anything and everything. But this one, I would never have figured we would have that connection. He's got to be one of my most randomest friends. But we do. He played a key part through a number of times in my high school life.
And for me, these people that mean so much to me, I feel the urge to say something to them. One phrase. One meaningful phrase. But's a very very very personal extremely meaningful phrase for me. And incredibly risky. If they don't follow through with it, everything will be destroyed. There's been a number of people who I can't imagine not having around, not being close to, but there has only been one time when I got myself to say it. Say it and mean it. Say it and mean it and hope.
I was so sure he'd stop. So sure he'd drift away, let time pass, let go.
But he's here. Why is he still here? I don't know if he has any idea how much it means to me when he IMs me out of the blue. Even when there's nothing to talk about. He's always there for me. Always online, always will respond when he can. I can ask him anything about anything. And I'm positive about that. Completely content about that. Anything of his personal life, his past, his family, his experiences, his knowledge. I don't know why he's so willing to be so open with me. I don't know why there's this bond. All of a sudden he could see inside me. He could see all of my secrets and all of my lies and all of my pain. And stayed there.

I asked him. I told him. "You can't ever leave me. Please, don't ever leave me."

Who wouldn't get scared of that and run? Who would understand the meaning behind that?
Who can guess at the points of facing death beneath that? The levels of leaving? The need for his stability in order to support my own.

Sometimes I can't even fathom it all.
But I am always thankful for him staying with me.

"What you're feeling is premature enlightenment. This is the greatest moment of your life and you're off somewhere, missing it. Our fathers were our models for God. And, if our fathers bailed, what does that tell us about God? Listen to me. You have to consider the possibility that God doesn't like you, he never wanted you.In all probability, He hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen... We don't need him.. Fuck damnation. Fuck redemption. We are God's unwanted children, with no special place and no special attention, and so be it. You can go to the sink and run water over your hand. Look at me. Or you can use vinegar to neutralize the burn, but first you have to give up. First, you have to know that someday, you are going to die.Until you know that, you will be useless. Congratulations. You're a step closer to hitting bottom."

Hooray for reaching the bottom. Let's plan a party.

2 wave goodbye. | Pull the lever.

:: 2005 21 June :: 5.50 pm
:: Mood: distraught

do all children go to heaven?
one of my kids died

he was 9 years old

what's the point of this?
atrocities like this should not exist
children should not die
no child should die

what did they have?
they were of the poor
they were of the pure
they were just children

it's not like they knew the true wrongs of the world
it's not like they're families didn't yell at them or beat them or force them into work as soon as possible
it's not like that was the only option to continue living

but he didn't continue living did he?
he died.

and he was doing so well...he could've done so much better...
underneath his facade he was a sweet kid
he was a kid
just like all of them

and he died.

Pull the lever.

:: 2005 20 June :: 3.22 pm

I like waking up to your yelling at me.
I like being told how worthless I am.
I like being told that my problems are my own fault and that I should deal with them.
I like being told that I have no point in calling.
I like being told that I shouldn't call when I have no reason.
I like being harrassed and cursed out just because you I was randomly chosen.
I like being yelled at as soon as you come home.
I like that the only words said to me are yelled.
I like being at fault for everything.
I like feeling lower than a dog.

Please, please continue yelling at me. Oh please, it makes the day so much brighter.
You see that sun? Look how brightly it shines! NoNO! Those aren't clouds. There's no rain. That sound? That's the birds chirping! Sure, sounds like a boom to you...but that's just the mockingbirds immitating.
Look at that beautiful day. Who wouldn't want to get up and enjoy that day?

Who says I have no reason?
Maybe I have something I want to need to say but can't? Can't get myself to say. What then? Maybe it's something important like I'm going to die. But you tell me not to keep calling. Fine then. I'll die without you.

Maybe I wasn't randomly chosen. Maybe someone still has it out for me. Maybe they're bringing back some old huge blow out thing. Doesn't matter, they brought it back from my memories for me anyway.

A dog. I feel beneath my puppy because I'm told I couldn't care for him. I couldn't take care of him.

YOU WILL GO DAMMIT! Or I won't live here while you're here.

I will not be in this house with her alone. No dammit. I'll get a hotel room for all I care. Leave me the hell alone.

Please, please continue gutting me. I think the slaughterhouse appreciates the favor.
Please, please continue that underminding. I think the research programs will appreciate the experiments they can perform later.
Please, please continue.

2 wave goodbye. | Pull the lever.

:: 2005 17 June :: 9.50 pm

Tonight was such a weird night.

We all ate dinner. At the same time. At the same table.

And it was actual dinner.

We had fish, lentil soup, peppers, grapes. That's right! Meat, vegetables, fruit, and water! Covered food groups I hardly ever hit (except fruits...those are yummy).

It was so weird. But pleasant.

I can't talk about college. I tried researching classes. Mom's talked to me about it. Any of it. I get all upset and start yelling to vent anger that I have no idea exists. I don't know why. I don't get it.

I found Caroline on facebook. Caroline! And she remembers me. She sent the note first. Good thing?

a vague urge to write.....vague

nothing at all! I'm doing nothing! I really want to see a movie....but no one was available. I feel so....blah. I do nothing. I hate this feeling.

Pull the lever.

:: 2005 11 June :: 8.42 pm
:: Mood: giddy

since I don't plan many get togethers....I figured I'd make a list?
and since we keep coming up with things to do and then forget them again..I figured this'd be appropriate.....


80's movies party!

Beach party

oh those summer movies..
chick flicks in dresses!

strip club! miami guys..

cooking...cook our own food party! lol

plaster playhouse

twisters? cats? gymnastics place

park party!
vererans, sugarsand, ?

I wanna go horseback-riding!

Toys-R-Us playday


bonfire! we need to burn that school work...


1 wave goodbye. | Pull the lever.

:: 2005 9 June :: 10.51 pm

some pretty sweet Phantom avs!!

some of the better ones are towards the end....

2 wave goodbye. | Pull the lever.

:: 2005 7 June :: 10.53 pm

I believe- that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe- that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe- that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe- that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe- that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe- that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe- that you can keep going long after you can't.

I believe- that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe- that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe- that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I believe- that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe- that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe- that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe- that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe- that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe- that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe- that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe- that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe- that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe- that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe- that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe- that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe- that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe- that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I believe- that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe- that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I believe- That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in.

I just did.

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