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I want OFF this rollercoaster.

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:: 2005 10 March :: 9.37 am
:: Mood: cranky

no me gusto espanol
Spanish should die. *stabbities*


Yeah, okay. So I'm sitting outside the room waiting for Asha to finish and I recite my oral. Perfectly. Intonation and emphasis and emotion and pauses and everything, Natural slips but no need for note cards and all that.

I get there.. and kinda...get weak. And I sit and start and it's all rocky like I expected..but it didn't get better like it always did. Ms. French was staring right at me and Lona tried to look away most of the time but they had such looks of confusion throughout almost my entire oral!!! That made me blank. Twice. For like..several seconds. Completely lost where I was. Which pisses me off cause it was at one spot that I knew so well I could speed through it. But no. Slower than a snail. Ugh. And one question I couldn't catch quickly enough. And so did not have good vocab. I had to ask the word for few! FEW! So stupid.

And don't feel much relief that it's over.

English is Monday. I'm THE last person so maybe that'll be collective relief that all the seniors are done. I hope.


With love....

Pull the lever.

:: 2005 6 March :: 11.10 pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: "The Music of the Night" ~Phantom of the Opera

something's wrong I guess

M'sieur Firmin?
M'sieur Andre?

Dear Andre
what a splendid party!
The prologue
to a bright new year!
Quite a night!
I'm impressed!
Well, one does
one's best ...
Here's to us!
I must say, all the same, that
it's a shame that 'Phantom'
fellow isn't here!
Paper faces on parade ...
Hide your face,
so the world will
never find you!

Every face a different shade ...
Look around -
there's another
mask behind you!

Flash of mauve ...
Splash of puce ...
Fool and king ...
Ghoul and goose ...
Green and black ...
Queen and priest ...
Trace of rouge ...
Face of beast ...

Faces ...
Take your turn, take a ride
on the merry-go-round ...
in an inhuman race ...

Eye of gold ...
Thigh of blue ...
True is false ...
Who is who ...?
Curl of lip ...
Swirl of gown ...
Ace of hearts ...
Face of clown ...

Faces ...
Drink it in, drink it up,
till you've drowned
in the light ...
in the sound ...
But who can name the face ...?
Grinning yellows,
spinning reds ...
Take your fill -
let the spectacle
astound you!

Burning glances,
turning heads ...
Stop and stare
at the sea of smiles
around you!

Seething shadows
breathing lies ...
You can fool
any friend who
ever knew you!

Leering satyrs,
peering eyes ...
Run and hide -
but a face will
still pursue you!What a night
What a crowd!
Makes you glad!
Makes you proud!
All the creme
de la creme!
Watching us watching them
And all our fears
are in the past!

Six months...
Of relief!Of delight!
Of Elysian peace!
And we can breathe at last!
No more notes!
No more ghost!
Here's a health!
Here's a toast:
to a prosperous year!
To the new chandelier!
And may its
splendour never fade!
Six months!
What a joy!
What a change!
What a blessed release!

And what a masquerade!
Think of it!
A secret engagement!
Look - your future bride!
Just think of it!
But why is it secret?
What have we to hide?
Please, let's not fight ...
Christine, you're free!
Wait till the time is right ...When will that be?
It's an engagement,
not a crime!

What are you
afraid of?
Let's not argue ...
Let's not argue ...

Please pretend ...
I can only hope I'll ...
You will ...
... understand
in time ...Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade!
Hide your face,
so the world will
never find you!

Every face a different shade!
Look around -
There's another
mask behind you!

Burning glances,
turning heads ...
Stop and stare
at the sea of smiles
around you!

With Love..

4 wave goodbye. | Pull the lever.

:: 2005 28 February :: 10.20 pm
:: Mood: unsure

flits fly farther

Dragons Are Coming
This should be awesome.

2 wave goodbye. | Pull the lever.

:: 2005 22 February :: 9.23 pm
:: Mood: sleepy

I went and saw the real Ocean Avenue on was pretty
Got my acceptance letter to UF a few days ago.
Now I can not wonder if I would've gotten in or not and can now send that letter that says I'm not going to go there.. like I was supposed to do three months ago.....


Making slow progress on the poem research. Not sure how to take the English Oral..... and Hamlet I'm a bit iffy on but that could be worse so I can't complain.

Chem scares me.
And almost didn't do well in Calc. I dunno.
I think it's because I told myself I wouldn't do well... like not the usual "Oh, I won't do well so that I don't jinx myself and actually do well." No, like the "I can't learn this stuff. It's difficult and just not gonna click for me." I don't let things just happen, I make it hard. I dunno.

Every windowpane is shattering

I'm stressed. Unbelievably stressed.
Not too sure what stress is not needed, but it happens any way and really upsets me. People stuff. How do I take the little things?

I'm so sleepy and I shouldn't be... well, besides the fact that none of us actually sleep, I still did go to bed. And I need to do all of this work. -.-

With love.....

Pull the lever.

:: 2005 15 February :: 10.26 pm
:: Mood: meh
:: Music: "Malaguena" ~Blast

the spirit of the people
Boy Who Named Brain Tumor 'Frank' Now Cancer-Free

RICHMOND, Va. (Feb. 15) - A 9-year-old boy who nicknamed his brain tumor ''Frank'' and whose mother launched an online auction to help pay for his medical bills is now cancer-free, his mother said Tuesday.

David Dingman-Grover and his family tried to raise money to help with cancer treatments by selling bumper stickers on eBay.
(Photo provided by the family.)

''Frank is dead!'' an elated Tiffini Dingman-Grover said by telephone from her Sterling home as the family prepared to head to a press conference in Washington, D.C.

David Dingman-Grover had most of his tumor removed Feb. 2 at the Skull Base Institute at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. The family learned the results of a biopsy on the tumor at midnight Monday. The family was crowded around the phone on ''pins and needles'' waiting for the call from David's surgeon, his mother said.

''(David) is so mellow - he's so easygoing. He was just like, 'Really? Great! Cool!''' Dingman-Grover said of her son's reaction to the good news. ''It's like, 'Honey, is that all?' He says, 'Did you ever think it wouldn't be gone?'''

David was diagnosed in May 2003 with a grapefruit-sized malignant brain tumor called a rhabdomyosarcoma, which was causing blindness and headaches.

He nicknamed it ''Frank'' after Frankenstein, who scared him until he dressed up as the monster for Halloween.

The size and location of the tumor initially made it impossible for doctors to remove, his mother said. Chemotherapy shrank it to the size of an apricot, but David needed a specialized biopsy to determine whether the tumor was still cancerous.

To help pay for the pricey procedure, David's mother auctioned off a bumper sticker on eBay that read ''Frank Must Die.'' Donations poured in from across the world and, after hearing about the family's financial struggle, the surgeon offered to perform the biopsy for free.

David's mother said she took away something positive from the ordeal.

''I used to be very pessimistic about people in general,'' Dingman-Grover said. ''It wasn't until this that I realized there are people out there that really do care that I don't even know.''

The boy could be heard giggling Tuesday morning as his mother tickled him.

''It's been such a tremendous experience,'' Tiffini Dingman-Grover said. ''And believe it or not, I'm glad I experienced it, because I have been given a wonderful gift - and that's to realize how precious being a mother is.''

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:: 2005 9 February :: 9.42 pm


damnit damnit damnit

why cant that damn song leave me alone?!

go to hell. i'll be there eventually.

Pull the lever.

:: 2005 7 February :: 5.16 pm

Yeah. I so just used this site to update my interests... I have like a bazzilion interests now


1 wave goodbye. | Pull the lever.

:: 2005 7 February :: 4.18 pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Get Up Kids

do you hear what I hear?
Lesse... Friday..

I did the ever so graceful and rather painful slip and slide and smash in mah kitchen.
Was chasing after Katie.. and the tile was dusty or something... and wow man.. it was amazin! Legs went straight out from under me and up like to the level of the counter then I crashed down and continued the force of momentum horizontally.... right into the stove drawers. Owwie.
But it's so pretty! God did it hurt. -.-
Swelled and all. But it's so pretty!

Saturday I was up at 5 AM! Psh.
Got to school by 6 like we were supposed. Kids got there at 6:30. Bus left at a quarter to 7. I was grrrr-ish.
Really sleepy.
Burger King wouldn't sell me a chicken sandwich! GRRRR So what if it was 8 in the morning! I'd been up for hours already and wanted mah sandwich!!
Got to Felix Varela down in Miami. Unloaded and headed into the calc individual test. That test was crazy hard. Seems Andrei's brother Dima actually made that test. -.- I so did not know any of the questions... felt to stupid. I worked on them sure. And kinda.. dozed.. off.. but I woke up again and worked on them! But I didn't know any... so.. I didn't answer.. any... *cries*
Least I didn't get negative.
Obviously wasn't on teams so I worked on Interschool with everyone else. We placed 6th on that. Grrr. Only top 5 get credit.

Lunch was publix and hanging out with a bunch of nerds. Andrei and Kim and Richard and David and a bunch of others. It was fun stuff. Got in a bread fight with Andrei. Hehehe

We got back to school at 5. I'm just now realizing that was 12 hours with math. -_______-
Headed straight out to West Boca High for the Chinese New Year Festival. It's the Year of the Rooster you know! Thank goodness Aaron has such good eye sight and saw me, I was afraid I wouldn't find anyone there! Natalia came and dragged me over to the food line (whole reason why I got there so quickly ^____^). Mrs. Kelly and her grandkids were there! And supposedly Mrs. Schilit.. didn't see her though.
A bunch more of us found each other and we ate outside in the cold then headed to the auditorium. Meredith danced beautifully! There were some slow points in the Festival.. but that's.. okay...
Good times though.

Was exhausted when I got home.

Up Sunday late since I didn't feel like driving. XD Made Tom drive down and pick me for Youth Orchestra but so did not feel like playing. Fun enough.. I didn't play for like.. more than half of the time. Kinda pissed me off since I brought the wrong kind of work to do for that much free time. Then Mr. Simmons got mad at all percussion cause Kyle couldn't play this one part in the Bernstein piece. Pretty funny. Except that he made us staying during 2 songs we have no parts in until after everyone left so he could rehearse that part with the 5 of us. GRRRARGH.

Finally saw Princess Mononoke! Pretty cool. Pretty cool.
Anime rox my sox.

Now.. it's Monday.. and I have to write that stupid English paper. *sigh*

With love...

4 wave goodbye. | Pull the lever.

:: 2005 2 February :: 9.44 pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: Blast

Marimba Spiritual
Means too much not to steal

Gratzi Jeanna and Amanda

It's the heart, afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance.
It's the dream, afraid of waking, that never takes the chance.
It's the one, who won't be taken, who can not seem to give.
And the soul, afraid of dying, that never learns to live. <3

With love....

Pull the lever.

:: 2005 31 January :: 9.33 pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: anything and everything and my heartbeat

hooray for useless song lyrics
And all the good girls are home with broken hearts..

I donít mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

If ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay...

Do you know what stars are?
Balls of fire, burning up the black space
Falling from the landscape
Exploding in the face of God

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone

Now the half-time air was sweet perfume
While the Sergeants played a marching tune
We all got up to dance
Oh, but we never got the chance
'Cause the players tried to take the field
The marching band refused to yield
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the music died

Catch me as I fall
Say you're here and it's all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one's here and I fall into myself
This truth drives me into madness
I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I have no options left again
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused

Pull the lever.

:: 2005 25 January :: 9.30 pm
:: Mood: unknown

secrets, secrets are no fun, secrets are for everyone!
I'm not going to Vizcaya.
Too much I've missed being out and I don't want to skip chem. Hopefully I don't have to write a lab report though... o.0

Still trying to be hopeful with this NY trip. I'm excited to finally get to see that state. And Broadway should be awesome.

I need to talk to some people.
And some people need to talk to me.

My parent's are still out of town. Should be coming home tonight.. might not. No idea what's going on with that all. It's fun to be in the dark.

Maybe I should order us a pizza. Do they deliver this late?
I was wondering how much you pay the pizza deliverer as tip....

Edit: 10:00 pm

Mom just called. Seems grandpa died last night. About 24 hours ago. Katie was supposed to tell me but for some reason neglected to...
Wow... last night was an awesome night.

Feels really awkward thinking he was just dying all today when really he was already gone.

2 wave goodbye. | Pull the lever.

:: 2005 23 January :: 1.35 am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: "Straw Dog" ~Something Corporate

all out of pills
What's complacent?
I've forgotten what it means.

Tried to go over chem stuff all day with Katie Odrobina but I couldn't focus and was all depressed and such.

Kim and Mer and Katie and her sister and brother and I watched a lot of movies on TBS though. Good distraction to have it on while trying to study.
And they had me eat a whole hot dog. I haven't eatten that in like.. four years... but it was pretty good.

I want to see Hotel Rowanda. Is supposed to be a good real-life movie.

With love...

Pull the lever.

:: 2005 20 January :: 9.46 pm
:: Mood: help
:: Music: "The Runaway" ~Something Corporate

..and I could still be ruthless if you'll let me..
I wanted to make cupcakes. They would've made me happy. I even checked to see if we had icing still. We do. What we don't have? Eggs. There's like nothing in this house. Of course, that's an overstatement, always has been. But in essence, there is no food here. We hardly ever have dinners. And snacks aren't around right now. That's why I wanted to make cupcakes. I love cooking. But God it's been so long since I've had the actual desire to do something in the kitchen. Now I'm disappointed and can't do the thing that would make me happy.

I might try and paint now. Painting is something I can do when I have this urge of needing to be busy.

I got more shots today. My arms... they hurt. The shots hurt more today then before. Like seriously hurt. And my head likes to replay that pain over and over so I end up twitching in a nice little ball of tears. I swear my arms were on fire... I get so incapacitated too. Little difficult to drive home. They hurt now. And they'll hurt every dall, all day. They've been hurting every day since the shots first started. This is what I didn't want to happen.
I had to stop taking notes for a bit in chem. It hurt to keep writing. I was so not happy. And all the practicing and playing I do for S&E... I think that's why it hurt so much today. I told them I couldn't make it Thursdays. But I went after the perc practice. I cried again it hurt so much. I've been trying hard to get over this fear. Or at least to put up with it so this can be done. I've been good...I didn't run from it...I didn't make huge scenes...I've been trying so hard....

Grandpa fell two days ago. Mom's dad. Mom left the next day to go up and see him. It was about 8 hours after he fell that they called the ambulence. And they didn't call for his fall, they told the paramedics it was for a heart attack. He didn't get morphine for almost 24 hours after he fell.
He had the sugery...100% broken right hip bone. The surgery seems to have gone well. But I just talked to mom. She says his heart is unstable. I don't know what's wrong. He made it through the surgery but his mind is so lost and mom says he's just not strong enough. Her voice almost cracked when she said that, but she kept a solid voice through the conversation, I was impressed.
Mom says grandma hasn't been doing anything. She refused to do anything last week, but now mom think's she's not feeling well. She hasn't gotten out of bed. And she won't go to physical therapy. They don't know if she's ill.

Mom and dad are supposed to go to Hawaii on one of dad's business trips next week. That was the highlight of this quarter. That was the one good thing Katie and I were looking forward to in the new year.
But both of them keep talking about the grandparents dying.
I don't know how to handle this.
In my mind, I always handled death by not facing it. It didn't exist. And when the person no longer existed, their memory was stored in the deeper recesses of my mind and I no longer registered their connection to me.
But I've had to alter my mind so much recently. This is all right in my face. I can't sever these ties. I know them too well. These two were my favorites by far of my relatives. It's never been family like this before.

I don't know how to handle this. I shouldn't be writing this here. But I don't know. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to have to think about things or do work or fail more stuff.

I haven't cried in a long while. And I haven't written in longer.
I just want to write.

With love.

Pull the lever.

:: 2005 12 January :: 10.07 pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: "Carve Your Heart Out Yourself" ~Dashboard Confessional

bunch of shit
Ms. Kelly is trying to get me to join the Econ class. I don't want any more work and stress so..... I'll sit in it for a day and... if there is any sight of work or tests and ANYTHING (of course they'll be...but still) then I vote for teacher's aid.

Denver IMed me last night and we actually talked. It's been months since we've talked. We actually established the desire to return to the old relationship of communication. Made me happy.

You have equipped Pumpkin66998 with Super Attack Pea

Something Has Happened!
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Oh, if you I didn't say to someone stalking this journal.... I'm going to Emory.

My grandparents are really ill. Grandpa has been in the memory ward for a while... and Grandma would visit him all the time and do his laundry and dress him and yell at the nurses and all that.. probably out of fear of the new situation. It must've all been too much for her and she developed high blood pressure and such. She had a stroke right in front of Grandpa on her way to visit him again. They carted her off across the hall for help. Grandpa thought she died.

She is paralyzed on her right side and can't speak. By now they've pretty much given up on redeveloping her speech. I can no longer hear that familiar voice.... I remember her voice... She's done some walking. Tried at least. But her mental understanding seems to have taken a decline when we went to visit. She looked like she had trouble understanding what was said to her. Her eyes... God. They would lock onto mine and just be so.... empty. She'd be screaming in desperation... but with such resignation. The look would freeze you and she wouldn't look away, it had to be you that broke the gaze. It's hard to see her bed-ridden. The small frail woman who dominated the house and family. Always took command. There she was, unable to move or do anything herself.

We visited Grandpa next. He didn't recognize me the first time, thought I was a nurse. Kinda hard but... yeah. Later he remembered me. There were times when he just babbled on at nothing...then would lose interest and roll away from us. (He's in a wheel chair now because he can't walk without falling.) Other times he had his old sense of humor and used those phrases he always used to use. His mind is wandering. Slowly I watched it slip away. The old man strapped to the wheel chair was a far cry from the grandfather I grew up always knowing.
Oh, and he's been figuring out how to undo the straps and get out of his chairs which would be dangerous. So it's possible they'll sedate him soon. It won't be good.

There were a number of other upsetting fun things that went on during the trip up to see them. Yeah, crappy break.

Just some of the issues I'm trying to deal with right now.

Yesterday was my first day of the looooong battle with allergies. First day of the battle now including shots that is. Everything I am allergic to summed up into the hell-spawn. My head so cannot take shots twice a week for months and months. I won't become accustomed to them, despite what they say. And I especially love how the senile old doctor told me there would be two shots, one in each arm, and then I get there and he's like, 'What? Nono, I never said that! There's three!' One in one arm, two in the other.

I went and typed stuff up for five hours after it. But I got my mommy to come with me to the first time in case I passed out again.

Hm... what else is going on....

I'll add more another day. Gotta cry myself through much confusion in chem. grrrrargh

With Love..

Pull the lever.

:: 2005 9 January :: 12.36 pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" ~Green Day

my shadow's the only one that walks beside me..

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

It's such a pretty song...
I don't see why I have to be walking alone though.

I've retreated back into those spells when I can't IM people. I really hate this feeling of desolation and loneliness. Everyone else seems to be passing by me. I've already lost them.

I don't see the point of pulling myself out of this stupor this time.

With love

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