I've decided. I want to have a party where
everyone gets high/drunk af and plays N64 and SNES.
I need another TV. People can rent those, right?
I'm going to do it at my apartment.
Somehow, much like other events I've had, I feel like no one is going to show up... Ugh. The Pacific Northwest is balls for open, trustworthy communication. The Seattle Freeze is a real fucking thing.
Sometimes I don't understand why my friends like me so much... I'm not very attentive. I'm not good at having conversations and not being awkward. I'm not a very kind or generous person.
I suppose I'm caring... but am I really? Can any human truly be so? Often times I wonder whether I'm just attempting to fit a role made up for me... One I don't really belong to or believe in but one I feel I must achieve or show I care about.
Do I really care about anything? Nhialism got ahold of me last summer and it's hard for me to shake it, even though I've been trying. It all continues to seem so pointless in many ways.
I'm a few months away from 30 years old and I still can't figure this thing out. I still can't get a grasp on life and society. I still feel like a child. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I feel like a kid dressing up as an adult. I'm sure my height has something to do with it... but I'm just... I'm not ready... for any of this.
When I was a kid
My whole reality split
I was living a lie
I was a killing machine
I was a war lord
When I closed my eyes
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop
When I was a kid
I was a total dick
To inanimate objects
The world beat the hell from me
I took it out on a tree
Great Illustrated Classics
I took it out on a fig tree
Out on the lawn
I took it out in the backyard (backyard!)
And behind Rite Aid
I took it out on the crates
And on the shopping carts
We were on another plane
I was the king of pain
In unspeakable cruelty
I set the mommy on fire
I set the baby on fire
Not even Jesus could stop me
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop
Stop, stop
I am not better than anyone else on this planet. All humans are living on the same Earth. We all have different shades of skin, different beliefs, different incomes and educations and dreams, even different tastes in music. But we'll all be carbon in the end, floating on the same little rock, circling the same little star, in outer space.
You're not better either so stop using slurs and stop expelling hate and stop acting like you're more important.
I had a PTSD flashback last night. Accompanied by long-lasting ticks and about 3 lbs of tears.
That is the first time I've experienced something like that... it was very frightening. It's difficult being out of control of your body and emotions. I really need some help with this. I can't wait to see my therapist tomorrow.
All day has been a painful memory. Tearful moments of wishing things were different than they turned out to be. It's not gone and will never be gone.
My family was here at least. At least they were by my side. That's all I need. I can count on them. It feels so good to just be myself at least with three people on Earth... and a puppy, of course. Judgement-free.
Love and respect and home is all I need to feel right now. It's a big bandaid that's stretched over a deep wound that doesn't seem to heal. One half of the bandaid slips off and support is the adhesive that secures it again. My family is everything to me.
Headaches starting. I need iron pills to balance my lack of it this week. Every time it's the same thing - migranes all week long. I need to also get a cast iron skillet. I think i'll make that my plan this weekend.
I also need to clean and get my taxes done. I always get so nervous when I have to take care of them but procrastinate because they suck. Some things make me very much dislike being an adult.
I'm going to talk with my parents when they come over next weekend. I'm getting ill thinking about it. But it's something I have to do... this weekend anniversary will be particularly rough.
I can't wait until it's all over and I can just relax and be myself. Maybe I should take some time off during the transition... I could use some days for rejouvenation and mental health. All this vilification is killing me.
I am a puppet following a script others have written for my one-man show. The social and societal obligations are overwhelming me and I feel like I'm on the edge.