<center><font color=maroon>The Devil & God Are Raging Inside Me</font></cen

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
You're still driving away
And I'm sorry every day

I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...

It was your turn to decide
~~I knew this was our time~~
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

...

:: 2008 10 March :: 8.26 pm
:: Mood: hopeful

I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everything's nothing without you
I'll wait here forever just to see you smile
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

Through it all, I made my mistakes
I stumble and fall, but I mean these words

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, as I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt
Pieces of memories fall to the ground
I know what I didn't have so, I won't let this go
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

All the streets where I walked alone, with nowhere to go
I've come to an end

...

:: 2008 8 March :: 5.39 pm
:: Mood: surviving
:: Music: The Format: The First Single (You Know Me)

I can't stand to think about a heart so big it hurts like hell
Oh my god I gave my best but for three whole years to end like this
Well do you want to fall apart? I can't stop if you can't start
Do you want to fall apart? I could if you can try to fix what I've undone
'Cause I hate what I've become

You know me, oh you think you do, you just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be something I can't define
So let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet or something,
Yeah something - I've just got to get myself over me

I could stand to do without all the people I have left behind
What's the point in going around when it's a straight line baby, a straight, straight line
So let's make a list of who we need and it's not much if anything
Let's make a list of who we need and we'll throw it away
'Cause we don't need anyone, no we don't need anyone

And I hate what I've become.

You know the night life is just not for me
'Cause all you really need are a few good friends
I don't want to go out and be on my own,
You know they started something I can't stand
You leave for the city,
Well count me out
'Cause all this time is wasted on everything I've done

...

:: 2008 26 February :: 6.45 pm
:: Mood: lonely

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

...

:: 2008 2 February :: 4.43 pm
:: Mood: guilty

~~I may have been born without a soul.~~

I'm sorry.

1 | ...

:: 2008 22 January :: 9.30 pm
:: Mood: rushed

[re-write]
It's only the sun... why bring hope where it once was forgotton?

...

:: 2008 21 January :: 11.12 am
:: Mood: horrible

I don't know your face no more
Or feel your touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place I'm looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well...

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a another time
We might as well...
We might as well be strangers

...

:: 2008 19 January :: 8.03 pm
:: Mood: excited

So I ordered my baby today: a white apple macbook.
Oh so delicious and it will be here in a week.

...

:: 2008 15 January :: 7.49 pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Keane

When was the last time I actually wrote in here?

I've been having these dreams lately that I can't stop thinking about. People and places.. but mostly people.. that I should forget but I just can't get them out of my head.
Reminders of the past and of lost possibilities. There are so many choices, and so much to keep fighting for. I just feel like things are coming at me from all directions.

Why have you lost those feelings?
And why have you gained them?
What would make you do such a thing?
And will I ever find you again?

Different people.. different places.. but it's still all the same.

...

:: 2007 20 December :: 11.21 am
:: Mood: lonely

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, ~~it's too late~~

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

1 | ...

:: 2007 13 December :: 8.12 pm
:: Mood: hopeful

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists and turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists and turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

2 | ...

:: 2007 5 December :: 7.00 pm
:: Mood: exhausted

We'd be so less fragile
If we're made from metal
And our hearts from iron
And our minds from steel
And if we built an armor
For our tender bodies
Could we love each other
Would we stop to feel

And you want three wishes:
One to fly the heavens
One to swim like fishes
And then one you're saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

You say you want to know her like a lover
And undo her damage, she'll be new again
Soon you'll find that if you try to save her
It will lose her anger
You will never win

And you want three wishes:
You want never bitter
And all delicious
And then one you're saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

You want three wishes:
One to fly the heavens
One to swim like fishes
You want never bitter
And all delicious
And a clean conscience
And all it's blisses
You want one true lover with a thousand kisses
You want soft and gentle and never vicious
And then one you're saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

...

:: 2007 16 November :: 10.52 pm
:: Mood: loved

You can telephone all over the world
giving everything you've got to give up
for sure, that you've found the right girl
you can wonder why you make yourself sick
you can fight it but this feeling its starting to stick
well it must be assigned
that my heart is my own design

Take me to a watery grave
never to be heard from again
well I swear that I'll still be there
I wish I could be better to you
I don't want to make you think that
my heart is untrue
well it must be assigned
that my heart is my own design
when it's all over

for my heart is my own design
and I hope that you keep that in mind
~~when it's all over~~.

...

:: 2007 11 November :: 10.39 pm
:: Mood: tired

I don't know why
You want to follow me tonight
When in the rest of the world
With whom I've crossed and I've quarreled
Let's me down so
For a thousand reasons that I know
To share forever the unrest
With all the demons I possess
Beneath the silver moon

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry

I'm standing in the street
Crying out for you
No one sees me
But the silver moon

2 | ...

:: 2007 27 October :: 10.07 pm
:: Mood: distressed

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up
And I give up
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I'd let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up
I feel like giving up
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I'd let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
~~So let me go and you will find someone~~

You are my only, my only one

...

:: 2006 18 November :: 4.26 pm
:: Mood: listless

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don�t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? ~~It is I that wanted space~~

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things that I didn�t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what�s good for you

In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I�ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

...

:: 2006 17 November :: 10.34 pm
:: Mood: anxious

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight

These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive me home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight

1 | ...

:: 2006 26 April :: 4.40 pm
:: Mood: melancholy

Here I am beside myself again.
I'm torn apart by words that you have said.
And all in all,
I know we're falling apart.
Where did you run to so far away?

You said you like to hear the rain sometimes.
And all I can do is tell you the truth.
And oh, my eyes will tell you the same.

Grasp our hands together,
We feel we are one result.
And here we are to sing you a song,
And there you are asleep again...

5 | ...

:: 2005 27 July :: 2.05 pm

570.3449

My cell. Call me.

2 | ...

:: 2005 20 June :: 12.16 pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: Yellowcard: Only One

I wanted to believe in all the words that you were speaking as we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling all the playful misspellings and every bite you gave that left a mark
Then tiny vessels oozed into my neck and formed the bruises that I said I didn't want to fade
But they did and so did you that day

All I see are dark gray clouds in the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you'd ask, "Is something wrong?" I'd think:
"You're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now. No we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch and then you'll go and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile and it was cheap and I may be ~~beautiful~~ but
I don't mean a thing to you

...

:: 2005 18 June :: 5.59 pm
:: Mood: listless

I'm sinking like a stone in the sea.
I'm burning like a bridge for your body.

...

:: 2005 13 June :: 7.56 pm
:: Mood: calm

[Public.Service.Announcement.]
Read more..

5 | ...

:: 2005 11 June :: 10.30 pm
:: Mood: restless

Perpetually second best.

Since that day, that's all they've ever been. [All they'll ever be..]

...

:: 2005 21 May :: 10.09 am
:: Mood: empty

I feel so empty. So numb.

I keep picturing Jeriel flying down that slide on those knee-pads at Free Falling. I keep imagining him at school, challenging me to do the hand shake backwards and with my left hand. He always was so good at that.

A part of me still doesn't believe he's gone. How could he be? He was so young, so full of life, he had such a bright future ahead of him.

And a part of me wants to believe I'm mistaken. That I dont really know this amazing kid who died too young. That I'm going to go to school on Monday and he'll be there, just like always, to say hello and give me a hug and make sure I'm doing alright. And I'll ask where he's been and he'll just tell me he went away for a little bit, but he's back now. Everything is alright, and there's no more reason to cry.

And I know I'm stupid and I'm foolish for thinking these things, but I don't want to have to picture him cold and dead, in a box underground.

Because it isnt fair.
And I miss him so much.

I know he's in a better place now. He's happy and he's where he wants to be. And I know I'm selfish for wishing he could be back here with us. And and and...

This is just so hard.
You never imagine this type of thing could happen to you. We all know kids die, but it's always something you just hear about and never experience first hand. Why him? Why someone so selfless and so special? Why why why...

...

:: 2005 13 May :: 6.21 pm
:: Mood: longing

I want him.

But alas, I'm a freshman and he's... well, he's not. I dont know how to show him that I'm different. I'm not some immature giddy school girl. I just wish he knew that.

I cant believe there are 13 school days until he's gone. Actually, I can believe it, because I remember it every goddamn second of every goddamn day and it drives. me. insane.

I can hardly even eat any more, or sleep, or function like a normal person, for that matter. He looks at me and I start trembling like an idiot. Seeing his perfect face now not only conjures feelings of joy, but also feelings of, you guessed it, extreme despair. But it's hopeless. Absolutely and utterly hopeless.

So why cant I get over him?

The last time I felt this completely crazy was with Justin. And I hate it. I hate this feeling. I wish I could forget about everything and move on with my pathetic freshman existance.

Part of me wishes he were out there right now, reading this. Probably laughing at my foolishness but knowing all the things I'm too afraid to say nonetheless. And I just wish I had the courage [or stupidity] to walk right up to him and tell him how I feel. But I wont. I cant. Because I've never been so afraid.

And they all tell me I'll regret it. Letting him go like this without ever saying a word. And I know they're right, but the thing is: what's the point? If he even cared about me one tiny bit I really dont think he'd just dismiss my every glance for 9 months.

Whatever. All I ever do is talk talk talk and complain complain complain. If I really wanted something to happen I'd suck it up and do something about it. Right? Right.

Yeah... so, just in case he is out there.. google-ing his name cause he has nothing better to do... here's this: Dan Hauer.
I hope you enjoyed this.

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