<center><font color=maroon>The Devil & God Are Raging Inside Me</font></cen

:: 2008 31 October :: 12.18am

And so she limps back into port.

Why the hell am I not doing my homework?

5 | ...

:: 2008 12 October :: 9.48pm

The cynicism that wants to say I'm just chasing memories is dying away. I'm not, and what would it even matter if I was?

I can't be too concerned with this. I just need the emotional detox from time to time. It's a way out of myself and into something else.

I'm exhausted.

Every time I launch down one of these intellectual tangents I find myself back in this place. Answerless.

I'm not an academic, God forbid I should ever be. What a worthless, pitiful, miserable waste of life. Do I want to spend the rest of my days comforting myself with the illusion that by faking omniscience and judging others I'm some how pushing the progress of humanity? Fifty thousand years of human experience and all we've managed to "progress" to is some fancy gadgets and the undermining of moral uniformity. What do we award people Nobel prizes for again?

We have not changed. We will not change. Unless we evolve into something else (which we won't, thankfully, because the general public doesn't look favorably on social Darwinism) we will never move past our shadow.

I refuse (and please, please hold me to this) to devote my life to figuring anything out. I'm not God, I don't want to be. I just want to love people. That's all. Love God, love people, and that's it. That's all I've got left in me.

I've exhausted my ability to understand. I'm done with the books and the debates. I'm done with academia. I don't care. I don't care because I don't understand, and I don't care because I don't think anyone else understands either.

Lewis got to a point where he said, "I have no answers anymore; only the life I have lived."

I have been so blindingly afraid of coming to that point because it seems illegitimate, even scandalous for and eighteen year old of a mediocre intellect to make the same claims as one of the twentieth century's philosophical giants made, much less at the end of his life.

Nonetheless, here I stand. I haven't any answers. I don't want answers, I want life. I want love. I'm done with this philosophical wall-flowering. I don't want an outside perspective, an objective view. I want to be in the thick of it, and know it first hand. I don't think there is any teacher more legitimate than experience, and experience is not objective.

8 | ...

:: 2008 28 September :: 10.50pm

And maybe, on that note, it's better not to make a big deal out of all this. This isn't a revelation, it's a return to normalcy. It's not an addition, it's just putting it all back together. And nothing's different, it's just complete.

So I'm just me.

And what I feel at this moment is overwhelming love for almost everyone I can think of. Which feels a lot like me.

:: 2008 28 September :: 8.52pm

Kirsten and I have been dating eleven months tomorrow. Which makes today the eleventh month since I chickened out on asking her out.

:: 2008 28 September :: 8.46pm

As for the crocs thing, my dad had bought him and I a pair because they were on blow out and, more importantly, actually in our size (we have the same shoe size).

I was offended. No idea why. I can't begin to explain why it would've offended me, it just did. It was insulting.

I've always thought they looked a little silly, but I've never felt strongly about them.

I wore them around for a while and they actually grew on me. With wool socks, it's like wearing slippers but lighter.

:: 2008 28 September :: 8.43pm

Gender is a strange thing.

:: 2008 13 September :: 11.19pm

Why would I have an ethical aversion to wearing crocs?

5 | ...

:: 2008 1 September :: 12.07pm

I'm not being left behind
but it seems like everyone's left. This is a prime opportunity. This is starting over without abandoning everything I've built thus far.

3 | ...

mysin

:: 2008 20 August :: 12.58pm
:: Mood: Lost
:: Music: Steve Jablonksi

The Island Awaits
So I am at my parents house. Contemplating...

What if we just left everything and everyone here....

Maybe we should leave spokane entirely.

1 | ...

:: 2008 31 July :: 1.36pm

I can actually feel the line being pushed and battered. With every minute it moves farther.

Attack. Counter-attack. Progress. Ambush. Retreat. Attack. Attack. Counter-attack. Progress. Ambush. Retreat.

I don't hate people. I love people. But something in me lunges forward at prime opportunities to convince myself otherwise.

:: 2008 11 June :: 11.41am
:: Mood: angry

I'm not sure what makes me so angry. In truth, I just want to be able to enjoy it like a normal person. At a distance, from a calm, inactive standpoint. Mentally passive observation, acknowledging it's presence and accepting the benefit of that, but not experiencing the mess that comes with it.

I can sort of coax myself into it...but what happens if I stop paying attention, cut off the effort? Do I fall back into hate and rage, or does my soul linger in the vibrant, energetic comfort of the situation?

Or is it all just fear, and I a coward?

...
...

Do you ever write something and not understand why? This whole passage begs a question, and it's one that I can't answer for anyone who would be reading this. And yet I want someone to know, even if they don't understand.

But what I really want is for someone to understand.

1 | ...

:: 2008 24 May :: 3.19pm
:: Mood: amused/comfortable

hahaha...I guess that the noun would be the verb, then, wouldn't it?

In both trust and love. And faith, too, I suppose. Hope follows in form of faith. So all of life's goals are passively active? In all things I should actively not pursue, but rather relax, give up my "fish and loaves", and surrender myself to the consequences in full knowledge that they are to my benefit, although I may not see from here why? Yes.

To be as I am and know I am without really considering the purpose of it being that way. I don't know why I was made male over female anymore than I know why I am white and not black, American and not Chinese, Human and not a dog. I am, and should act. Funny that acting on those things is a surrender for me. How I have struggled so furiously to understand without realizing by doing so I was doing nothing...the Hamlet effect. In summary, I think too much. If I don't shut myself up from time to time, I'll never get anything done. The simpler way of thinking might better suit me. Wisdom is powerful, but only in context of simplicity. That's what makes it Wisdom instead of knowledge. You can know everything there is to know without being wise, and you can be the wisest person in the world without ever knowing anything. Maybe then wisdom is simply taking what we don't know and using it in context of what we do.

I need to be a more practically minded individual in order to achieve my ideals. That's the chasm, the leap of faith. I must surrender my ideals to obtain them. "Whoever keeps his life shall lose it, but whoever gives up his life for my sake shall keep it." God's economy, if God can be described as economical.

Oh there I go again.

:: 2008 10 May :: 8.46pm

I sense in them a wealth of knowledge yet unattained. If I seek anything, it is completion. If I desire anything, it is to know wholeness.

The Adam in me is hopelessly lost without Eve, yet strangely and supernaturally pacified. But it's temporal, in waiting. In expectancy. What He has done to prepare me has also stayed the flow of desire, but I am not cursed, I sense, to that wretched loneliness that, were I God, would not be forgiven me.

There is something I can learn from them. We are cultures far apart, and rather than get them to see mine I should tell them what I see in terms of theirs. Learn a new language.

In the context of my dad and I, we're nothing alike. In the context of everyone else...well, we're probably more alike than I would willingly admit under other, less humbling circumstances.

...

I really like folk and soul.

:: 2008 17 April :: 10.51pm

He never grows weary. He never let's up. He is never defeated. Time and time again I drive him back, chain him down, and run as hard as my legs can allow.

How are you one step ahead of me? How can you keep your breath?

And though I fall, I am not fallen. Though death seizes me, I do not die. Though I am struck, my body is whole.

I am so weary of fighting him. I want him to just die...but he is me?

Who is more myself? The zealous, devout, vengeful Lazarus? The indulgent, kniving, amiable Aaron? Both with virtue, both with vice. Never at peace. Always at odds.

Hope is an odd thing..."Come all you weary, lay down your loads."

Grace odder still. I am so grateful for all that I have, for the chance to fight this way, to see things from this vantage point.

I don't know where this is going.

I'm sorry? This is an apology. I've disgraced myself and my friends. Those dearest, those I've told I would guard. Time and time again I betray my intentions. But He is there, always beckoning, always welcoming, despite my flaws. I'm going to go to him now, when I feel most useless.

"The Lion's outside of your door, the Wolf's in your bed. The Lion's claws are sharpened for war, the Wolf's teeth are red."

2 | ...

:: 2008 9 April :: 10.21pm

Now that I'm here, I don't ever want to look back

All that any of this is really worth to me is just knowledge. Knowledge that my identity is not dependant on my short-comings. Knowledge that I fought the good fight. Knowledge that I did what was best regardless of the circumstance. Knowledge that as long as I don't lean on myself, my life is worth being proud of.

Kameran had a really good idea. He took a dry erase marker and wrote all the reasons he was worth loving on his mirror.

I should paint "Death Be Not Proud" on my bedroom wall.

Death be not proud, though some have called thee mighty and dreadful for thou art not so. For those whom thou art thinkst thou dost overthrow die not, poor death, nor yet canst thou kill me. For rest and sleep which but thy pictures be, much pleasure then from thee much more must flow. And soonest with thee our best men do go; rest their bones and souls delivery. Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men and doth with poison war and sickness dwell and poppy or charms can make us sleep as well or better than thy stroke. Why swellst thou then? One short sleep past, we wake eternally, and Death shall be no more. Death, thou shalt die.

Kirsten and I have had some really cool talks since then.

Haha, the bus-ride, the sports movie, the chic flick, the red-bull, the elevator...

It's amazing how much I appreciate my girl when I haven't been able to think of her that way for a week.

The Mexico spirit is still alive, I think. I can see it in the way people still communicate so well now. It's a bummer that I'm going out of town on Friday, but Saturday night I can hang with them.

And Sunday I should talk with Bob.

Ah...seven thirty class tomorrow. Know what that means? Bed-time.

:: 2008 25 March :: 9.27pm

I suppose there comes a point where every one who does this sort of thing asks this sort of question.

Is it defining of me? Certainly not.

But it is facing my past and giving up is surrendering to that past.

So I can't give up. Never, ever, ever give up.

:: 2008 19 March :: 10.04pm

TELL ME ARE YOU FREE

WHILE THE GALLOWS STAND

AND BULLETS LANCE

THE BRAVEST LUNGS

WILL I FOLD MY HANDS?

OR HOLD MY TONGUE?

OR LET THE FLAMES LICK AT MY FEET

AND BREATHE IN FIRE AND KNOW I'M FREE?

the flames will rise and devour me. To breathe in fire...

...and know I'm free

3 | ...

:: 2008 17 March :: 11.38pm

I keep chasing myself in circles inside of my head.

But it's not really going anywhere right now. I feel loved all of a sudden...

out of nowhere some strong affection is raining down on me.

So I'll take this moment of peace as an opportunity to get some sleep.

:: 2008 17 March :: 11.20pm
:: Mood: Sad

I want to be Superman.

But I'm not. I'm Paul.

I can't fly in and save the day. I don't have some sense in the back of my head that tingles when I there's someone in distress. I haven't done anything that amazing. I haven't saved people from burning buildings. I haven't cured a disease.

I'm not Superman.

I'm Paul.
I'm Paul.
I'm Paul.

What does that mean...?

Ton Amie...

haha

She makes me feel so loved...you all do. I go on these crazy rants, and even though you don't say a word I know you read...at least sometimes.

Thank you.

:: 2008 7 March :: 12.06am

so I decided
that I will not be affected
that I will keep living my life
keep making a complete ass of myself
grow into a man
get my shit together
and worry about it fucking later.

1 | ...

:: 2008 23 February :: 10.42pm

Words really are sawed off shotguns. I can't hit just what it is...

I see now by what isn't what is, and it makes me so grateful.

That I have moved on, and that I am a new and different person. Knowing that, and loving what has become of my life.

mysin

:: 2008 16 February :: 6.35pm
:: Music: Nothing

The Bleeding Wounds on my hands
Sooooo.... What two years have passed since i said I wouldn't post on this site. Things have gotten worse... I have no idea of who I am anymore. I have lost touch with what made me feel strong. I left the city but...

I dont know what is worse, the fact that I am in no way who I used to be or the fact that I dont care. Any lingering belief of god has vanished. It is hell, I am in living hell. I CAN'T Talk to anybody else about what is going on. What has happened.

Years ago I wanted to die because I was a stupid whiney teenager. Now, I dont care what happens now, I just want to get out of this hell. I don't care if I die... I feel I have failed life before I even got a start.

Money is Evil. Money started this all.. I'm Drowning. I wish I could cry again. I wish I could drink.. drinking took me a million miles away from here. But I dont drink... I have the life of a fucking drug addict living on the streets and I dont even do drugs... Im just buried.

I dont know when I'll post again. I dont know if anyone even reads this anymore.

2 | ...

:: 2008 10 January :: 8.13am
:: Mood: peaceful
:: Music: The Whaler

"I am not alone
But powerfully alive
so that desperate fear
pales and fades
before desperate love"

2 | ...

:: 2008 7 January :: 8.54pm

I'm one lazy-ass motherfucker.

:: 2008 7 January :: 12.28am
:: Music: Winter-Bayside

Laziness
I need to make some decisions. Some very serious decisions. About who I am.

I am trying to form this character built from this torn and cracked foundation I had which was once my character. I say it is torn and cracked because I abandoned it for a long time and went into autopilot for the last year of my life.

I don't feel like I've been very alive... I mean, I did things, and sung and whatever... but its as if I've had this mental blanket on and I cannot really think clearly. My whole mind is foggy and lazy.

My mind is a swamp.

I feel like my whole life is wrapped around the thought that I need my life to be wrapped around something. Does that make sense?

I need to make a decision to never be lazy again. I just want in my character such a strong suit for anti-laziness, that everyone will notice. But its so hard to break a habit that you instilled into yourself so well.

What a good resolution. How am I going to enforce this into myself? Maybe I need to write it big and bold on my hand every morning: "DON'T BE LAZY."

Its got to be something that I need people to convict me with, because God damn it I am too lazy to convict myself or to keep myself motivated.

I WILL NO LONGER BE A LAZY PERSON.

EMTM

:: 2008 4 January :: 2.23am

I'm going the fuck insane.

Insanity is to try something over and over again knowing it won't work.

Well, I've tried living the way I'm living over and over again knowing it won't work. I'm fucking insane. Everything recently is just been crashing down. I feel like I'm under this extremely light blanket, but I can't get it the fuck off. I can't get out from underneath this shit. I feel so un-free.

When I was a little kid I remember vaguely coming to the alter and accepting Christ. I remember I was crying and crying, and this weight seemed to just come off of my shoulders. Why can't I just feel that way again?

Where the fuck am I going? What the fuck am I doing? I can't lead a life of unChristianty because the guilt is too strong and its against everything my parents rooted in me. Yet I can't live a Christian life because its too fucking hard. I have this battle going on in my soul and heart, yet my mind is a fucking airplane set in autopilot. I'm looking for something new, for something good, for something big and just POW. But every day its the fucking same.

My god what the hell is wrong with me. I was always so good at being happy I almost believe in my own fucking illusion.

I want a relationship with my dad. I can't sit with him, I can't eat with him, I can't talk with him for more than a fucking minute, I can't look him in the eyes. And its killing me.

It seems my amazing friendship with Kaylee is waning. Ever since our conversation about everything she's been very distant. And its killing me.

I am just beginning to hate myself.

:: 2008 3 January :: 6.35am
:: Mood: peaceful

Yesterday was really, really good.

:: 2008 1 January :: 11.55pm

This year will be a good one. I'm determined to make it so. I want to accomplish a LOT of things. I really really wish to look back on this year at the end of it, and say, "damn, that was a good year" and not "damn, I wish I could have done more with my year".

Resolutions which I will actually fulfill:

Buy a car.
Write an album.
Never hesitate.
Use my time.
Take my people skills to the next level.
Just get my shit done, when I need it done.
Be very clearly on my way to fulfilling my dream.

Those are a few. I know there will be more to come.

I'm writing a song right now... its so damn good.

I was taken from you
You were just so far away
You were giving yourself
but I just couldn't stay

By writing this song am I just playing a fool?
Its my creative way to say I still love you.

Can't think of anymore words.

:: 2007 30 December :: 1.39am

Well, what do I even say about this trip to Spokane?

I saw a lot of my old "friends".

The only one that has remained my friend as Kaylee. She's such an amazing girl. I love her. But you know, I don't really have romantic feelings for her... I mean, I'd love to have her as a girlfriend... she'll always have a place in my heart.

But I love her sacrificially. I honestly know that I'd be able to put away my own interests and needs for her good. I genuinely love her as a amazing friend. I only love in that way my family of course, and DJ.

She's been going farther in her relationship with her boyfriend... and you know, its none of my business, but she told me. I just don't want her to get hurt. Itd REALLY piss me off he hurt her...and he's on the way to doing that. And its pissing me off... a LOT.

FUCK! I just realized how badly it would piss me off. FUCK!

Juliya is just a fucking deadbeat now. A fucking druggy. Damn it, why do people have to change so negatively?

:: 2007 22 December :: 11.44pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: the music in my head

Alcohol.
DJ is an amazing fucking guy. He's seriously my best friend. He really is. No one knows me like he does... we went through the troubles of fucking high school together...

I remember junior year we made a pact after all that pot we smoked to not smoke it again... and with a VERY few minor exceptions, we have both kept to that. He's always been there, that guy I could always talk to.

Tonight we talked about our partying. And we decided that we don't need to go to parties to hook up with drunk chicks like the rest of the self-conscious high school community does... We decided that we'd be on another level. If the party doesn't find us, we're not going to go. We're not going to just waste our Friday and Saturday nights anymore looking for a place to get drunk... what happened to having a genuinely good time? Take a couple girls out to watch a fucking movie and have some dinner and a whole lot of laughs? Fuck, I don't need this anymore. I don't need to be drunk to have a hell of a time.

I also made a landmark decision in my life: I'm going to lose my virginity before I am married. It's going to happen, I can't deny it, and I have to be realistic. I'm a good looking guy who can talk to girls. And I am only going to be able to save my virginity in this Sodom and Gomorrah if I literally don't talk to women until the day of my marriage. When I'm 25. Because I surely am going to try not to get married until I have a career in place and stability.

DJ asked me: "would you be able to do it, when the time comes?" because apparently he also was incredibly scared and kept backing out for months with his girlfriend.

Will I be able to do it? Yes. Robyn was on top of me shirtless at Kaitlin's party, and I was going to legitimately fuck her. She wanted it, and I was going to give it... but Sam made her go. Five more minutes with Robyn, and I wouldn't be writing this blog as a virgin.

I can't not do it. I'm literally driving myself insane. And I'm going to do it, when the time comes. I'm not going to go look for it... but when I really love a girl, I'm not going to back out this time.

That's a wild statement.