So maybe this time, I'll speak the words of life, with your fire in my eyes, but that old familiar fear is tearing at my words. What am I afraid of?

 

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:: 2004 14 July :: 4.40 pm


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:: 2004 12 July :: 9.36 am
:: Music: Damien Rice~I remember

A weekend without you...
I want to see inside you. To see what you feel. I'm not afraid. I want to feel your heart beat against mine. I want your hands to wrap around me so tight like there was no one else on this earth that you would rather be with. I want you to see inside of me. I want you to see that I am just like you. I'm not afraid.
Kosketa minua, Halua ksillsi, Mua niin ett tunnen sinut Halua minua. Halua ksillsi, Huuto sielussa saa...Min kaipaan...


(Touch me, want me with your hands. So that I feel you want me. Want me with your hands, a loud cry in the soul makes... me miss...

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:: 2004 8 July :: 12.44 pm

Don't make it too late.

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:: 2004 8 July :: 8.57 am

Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?
Love one's daughter
Allow me that
And I can't let go of your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?
Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?

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:: 2004 1 July :: 4.13 pm
:: Music: annoying silence

I'm at work right now.
I used to think that I loved so much having my life fit into the perfect mold that everyone thinks it should be. But I 'm done with that. I don' t want you telling me what I should do or how 'God' thinks it should be. Here's something for you : "You're NOT God" He knows my heart. He knows what I feel, not you. So stop pretending like if I listen to your words everything is going to be alright. I'm sorry but you need to go live somone elses life, not mine.

On a lighter note...

I love you so much. I'm starting to see something in me that I never thought was there before. Thank You.

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:: 2004 28 June :: 9.14 am

I've wanted to tell you for a while now that I'm sick and tired of doing the things that I used to do. I'm scared to screw up. So many times now I sit in silence. The darkness falls on me more than it should. He has it all under control, but it's up to me to make the decision. I'm scared. He's calling me, but I'm ignoring him. I know that there is so much more than all of this. I think a lot of us down here pretend that we aren't worth it, we hide behind our excuses and lies and pretend like it's okay. We all know that it's not. don't be afraid to live.

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:: 2004 24 June :: 5.12 pm

I finally got a job, I start as a librarian next week. I registered for my classes today here at Ferris. I miss Matt, more than I think he understands. But then again, this is all screwed up. hopefully we'll be moving up here soon, it wouldbe so much easier. I hope the Lord's listening. There are worse prayers to be said. I miss Mishy so much. She was so sweet to me. I love that kid. I'mso glad for this feeling inside of me. It's burning like it did before. Well, it's time to go home. I love you, still, and forever.

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:: 2004 4 June :: 11.48 am

It's time.

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:: 2004 5 May :: 9.53 pm

You changed the flame that burns inside of me,
It doesn't lay weak in the pit of my stomach anymore.
Now, it is vibrant like a stallion in an open field, or a light that shines deep from the morning sun.
I thought I was done asking for this, but here I lay at your feet.
Waiting for you to rescue me, because you changed the flame inside of me.



~


I don't want to be anybody else.


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:: 2004 2 May :: 8.57 pm

I'm sorry Matt that I didn't hang out with you today, and we were suppose to. I spent the day with Mishy instead, and I needed it. We sat at Gold for 4 and a half hours, talking about stuff and things. It was exciting. I haven't had a good conversation like that in a long time.

This summer Michelle and I are planning to sit in my backyard for a whole week straight and do absolutely nothing. Kinda slow down time for a bit. Well, it sounds like a good idea, don't know if I'll follow through though.

Prom was an exciting event, if I do say so myself. Marisa is prom queen which makes me happy for her, she deserves it. You should have seen the smile on her face, I've NEVER seen her smile like that since I met her. It was nice. I had a wonderful night with Matt. We spent more time at the coffee shop than we did at prom. It was nice to actually talk with him about stuff.

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:: 2004 29 April :: 3.17 pm
:: Music: Pedro the Lion- track 2

...someday i'll find the right words to say it all. Someday This will all make sense, and then we won't have to worry about anything anymore. We won't have to worry about the people around us. Because we will have eachother, and that's all we need. And God will be on our side. I love you...

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:: 2004 28 April :: 8.40 am

I'm really sad right now. I have this feeling like I don't belong anywhere, like there's no one to talk to about the things inside my head. I would talk to Matt about it all, but I really dont' think that he would understand. I don't think there is anyone that would understand. So...that's that.

I got a $500 dollar scholarship yesterday. I increased my GPA by.96 in one year. I thought that was pretty cool, I don't really win much stuff so I was excited.

I start my job in a few weeks. Right when I leave highschool I get to start working in the admissions office up at Ferris. Go me. It' s not the greatest job in the world, but it works. I start classes in the fall which could be exciting. I wish I knew everything already though. So then I could be a music producer now. But I guess I have to be patient.

I'm definitely voting Marisa prom queen. She deserves it.

Well, I must get to typing my paper now...

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:: 2004 27 April :: 8.51 am

Mr. H gave us this really cool assignment for class. Write a 1,000 word biography of your past, present, and future....This should be interesting.

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:: 2004 25 April :: 7.21 pm

random thoughts for the day...
I want so much for the world to see a better beauty than what they have seen. I don't want to be trapped in a little box anymore full of pins and needles. I'm sick of making empty promises to the ones I love and being a hypocrite in the process. I want to find the beauty in myself that makes me feel like I can do anything. I DO want to please everybody. I was told by God today that He loves me, He will never forsake me, and that I am His forever and no one will take that away from me. I will not be brought down by the corruption of the world.

For some strange reason, I'm holding back from you. Something is changing inside of me and I can't let you see. I'm not made of glass anymore, my walls are thick like concrete.

My philosiphy: Make everyone else as happy as you can get them, and you can't go wrong. It's not the reward of their "likeness" towards me, it's the satisfaction of their happiness. I love other people's love.

I've always wanted to change the way that people saw things just to get people's perspectives to turn another way. Not to change people but to make their opinions a little wider.


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:: 2004 22 April :: 10.10 am










I love you.

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:: 2004 21 April :: 4.08 pm

It's been a busy day indeed. I want to sleep, but I dont' think I can. In fear that some one is bound to yell at me. I can't wait. 3 and a half more weeks and I'm done. I get to spend my summer working for money that I probably will never save and spend it all on something stupid. But I will get that trip to California. I will. And no one is going to stop me. I realized today that I have a lot of secrets and I don't want them. It'll all be over soon anyway. I think I am going to go to sleep.

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:: 2004 19 April :: 9.47 am

"Large crowds came abd brought many people who were crippled or blind or lame or unable to talk."


1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 36.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions

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:: 2004 16 April :: 10.30 am

I'm trapped under a strangers wings
He guards me safe from suffering
This beauty that held such great pain
Soiled and ugly to such greater gain
I hold my head to the setting sun
The only grace or love that I've won
But day by day I hear you still
Fleeing, each time, from the windowsill
It all comes apart, the life I had made
By knowing that there is no escape

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:: 2004 15 April :: 5.32 pm




I love you.

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:: 2004 14 April :: 9.50 am

No money in our pockets, no pride in our hands. Frustration and sadness overtaking the man who needs faith. 5 reasons to live. Call 'em for some money, she won't do much harm. Agree to meet. Rain pours, and falls, and scatters. The old rusty station wagon kept us dry. hours pass, and minutes pass, and seconds pass. She never showed. we trotted home, barely, made it. who's selfish?

i'm sorry if you've ever found a reson why it's so hard to love me. I don't want to dwell on the past, but it's all that I am. they made me. It pierces my heart to be a part of them. I hope I don't have any of their traits. two of the most selfish people I know. Can't they see that I just want their love. not their money. Or their fame. Or their things....Just their love.




this is why I kept staring into space...

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