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:: 2004 22 November :: 8.08 pm

ok, so i was getting good at this updating thing...

life has been busy lately...all i do is sleep, work and school, but its ok, being busy helps time to go quickly, which has its pros and cons...but mostly pros..

Thanksgivign is rapidly happy..and really nervous at the same time. i hate holidays without's still so weird to picture him not being there, i mean, he was always there...good old Bernard...he never failed, and now...theres just an empty spot, i walk into the house, i look towards his chair, and he's not the first ten seconds of the visit is a sad, heart wrenching one, and then its's those first 10 seconds i dread...

i called grandma and grandpa saturday, i miss them a lot, i spent the ten minutes afterwards just crying in my room..that was a highly emotional day, i cried three times for no reason...once because i thought about Thanksgiving, once because i missed my grandparents, and the third time is not one that will be mentioned. looking back, i feel like a big dork for crying, but i just miss them a lot...they need to come home, or i need to go down there...i just want to see them

school has been going on steadily...calculus is impossible, hover had a baby so physics is a joke, govt still needs to die, AP got somewhat interesting, and i paint happy trees in art. oh the live long day

work has been going the meshing well with the other workers so time goes by a little more allowed to have more fun now

we've been hanging out a lot more with kayln lately...shes a fun gal, someone new, fun to talk to though...shes says a lot of the right things...aka...nevermind lol

signing up for orchestra was actually signing up for my death

band hasnt been too bad, the two songs i have solos in are easy and make me happy

im starting to lose myself again...after i told myself i wouldnt..but i think im ok with it...

thats it

crush me

:: 2004 22 November :: 8.05 pm

This song was on the radio last night on my drive made me smile...a lot... :)

Oh yeah, I'll tell you something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll say that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.

Oh please, say to me
You'll let me be your man
And please, say to me
You'll let me hold your hand.
Now let me hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.

And when I touch you I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide.

Yeah, you've got that something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll say that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.

And when I touch you I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide.

Yeh, you've got that something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll feel that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.

crush me

:: 2004 16 November :: 9.49 pm

1) time: 8:57pm, Nov. 16
2) name: Brittany
3) Nicknames: Britt….Timbah! ß dougs the only one who uses that one though…Jamers calls me b-dawg or b-dizzle
4) Name Spelled Backwards: ynattirb…haha that brings back some good track memories…
5) home town: Custar!
6) Grade: 12
7) Birthday: 10/23/86
8) Age: 18
9) School: BGHS
10) Hair Color: brown, with some natural highlight things..
11) Eyes: Blue
12) Height: 5'8.5"
13) Siblings: 1 Brother
14) Gender: female
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Have You ever?- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
15) Been so drunk you blacked out: nope
16) Missed school because it was raining: I don’t think so…
17) Set any part of your body on fire for amusement: haha no
18) Kept a secret from everyone: I did…I kept it secret for awhile too
19) Had an imaginary friend: nope
20) Wanted to hook up with a friend: well its better than hooking up with someone you didn’t like…
21) Cried during a flick: yea..not for a long time though
where's 22 ?
23) Ever thought an animated character is hot: gambit!
24) Ever prank called someone: do yo guys remember that one time…the one with wok kitchen?? That was a good one
25) Been on stage: go band!
26) Fought with your parents: ive given them the silent treatment
27: Wished upon a star: yea, but I never expect anything from it
28) Laughed until you cried: haha try like every girls night ever
29) Watched a sunrise/sunset: yup
30) Went to a beach at night: yea…I miss it
31) Been mean: sure have
32) Been sarcastic: not at all!
33) Are you happy: I think so
34) Are you talking to someone online: yup
35) Shampoo: I don’t remember the brand but it was raspberry almond and it made my hair so soft!!
36) Soap: bath and body works country apple…mm…
37) Colors: green!
38) Day/Night: night
39) Kinda Music: any song that enables you to really feel the emotion…its insane how moving it can be
40) Fav. Soda: vernors!
41) Fav. Drink: cranberry juice J
42) Fav. Car: oh man…I don’t think I could narrow it down
43) Fav. Perfume or Cologne?: the stuff that sara calls my football game smell..i wore it all last season, but I don’t know the name…lol
44) Fav. Radio Station: ooo…98.1, 96.7, 106.5, 93.5…im a flipper…lol
45) Fav. Website:…its hilarious! Its not really my favorite though..
46) Fav. Subject in school: hmm…math
47) Least Fav. Subject in School: physics....GOVT!
48) Fav. Sport: football
49) Fav. Video Game: Final Fantasy 4 (it’s the only one ive beaten) and Super Mario Bros 3 J
50) Fav. Band: cake..or weezer..mmm
51) Fav. Food: spaghetti…anyone can make it
52) Fav. Movies: feel good movies
53) Fav. Place: Niagara
54) Fav. Holiday: Christmas!
55) Lace or Satin: satin I guess
56) Fav. Place to Chill: megans house haha
57) Fav. Ice Cream: Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey…no on else likes it!
58) Fav. Cartoon Character: gambit! haha
59) Have a gf or bf: nope
60) Loved Anyone: I don’t think so
61) Who's the Loudest: well megan laughs loudly…stevie squeals loudly…Id have to say doug haha
62) Shyest: sara
63) Nicest: Megan
64) Funniest: pssh. That’s all me, nah…we’ve all got our moments
65) Craziest: again…we all have our moments
66) Who do you go to for advice: it depends…I go to megan for the everything will be ok speech…I go to ian for the harsh truth that needs to be sad…sara for the comments that don’t solve anything but make me smile…stevie for the quote…Daniel to tell me im just being dumb…adam for a conversation to actually work things out…hodges for the nice comments that make everything seem ok
67) Who do you cry with: sara….megan…stevie…the girls
68) Which friend lives the farthest from you: dani! Stupid Lancaster being 2 hours away
69) Talked to someone you have a crush on: yea…
70) Missed someone: all the time
71) Hugged someone you like: well, I don’t hug people I don’t like
----------------------------------------------Believe In----------------------
73) God/Devil: yes sir
74) Love at first site: not really…but it’s a nice though
75) The Big Bang Theory:
76) Heaven/Hell: uh huh
77) Who named you: the parentals
78) When was the last time you showered: about 20 minutes ago…
79) What is right next to you: the files containing my college apps that need finished and sent out…
80) What are the last 4 digits of your phone number: 3739
81) What is your computer desk made out of: partical board…and covering that makes it look like gorgeous wood!
82) What was the last thing you ate: PBJ J
83) Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with: someone who makes me completely happy and is completely happy with me
84) How many buddies do you have on your list: 132
85) Hows the weather right now: dark…cold…gloomy
86) What's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten: fried worms…in 6th grade…the boys didn’t think id do it
87) How do you eat oreo's: open mouth…insert oreo….chew and swallow
88) Are you too shy to ask a girl/guy out: yup
89) If you could change your name, what would it be?: not timber
90) What will your first son's name be: Eric….Andrew….idk…I think ive got awhile to think about thi
91) What would your daughters name be: Molly…I don’t know why I like that name so much lol
92) Do you like scary or happy movies: both
93) Do you like talking to people on the phone or in person: both…
94) Lust or Love: both…haha
95) Do you consider cheerleading a sport: umm…maybe if they compete…MAYBE, if not they’re just glorified pom pom shakers
96) Boxers or Briefs: don’t boys answer this question?
97) Bacon bits or Croutons: croutons
98) How long can you hold your breath: I guess until I pass out and start breathing again
99) Waiting till marriage: I used to think so…I don’t really know
100) Disney World or Disney Land: ive never been! But I guess the world
101) Do you do drugs: nope
102) Have you ever been skinny dipping: yup
103) Do you make fun of people: uh huh..its pretty bad sometimes
104) Have you ever been convicted of a crime: nopt
105) One pillow or two: ummm 4 haha
106) Pets: 3 cats and a dog
107) Piercings or Tattoo's: I have 8 holes
108) What's your bedtime: when staying up no longer has any appeal
109) Adidas, Nike, or Reebok: I guess adidas…I love my asics throwing shoes though..
110) Most embarassing moment: oh geez…
111) Do you attend church regularly: I used to..then I got a job, but I go when I can
112) What do you look for in the oppisite sex: kind, funny, taller than me is nice but not necessary I guess, fun loving, athletic, healthy, intelligent…basically mr right haha
113) Fav. Quote: "you run because you can…we throw because you cant"
114) Can you swim: yup
115) Do you like to swim: yup
116) Do you have an accent: I don’t notice it unless im with dani bill and robin
117) Do you have a job: yup
118) Do you prefer pools or oceans: pool…ocean water is too salty
120) What's better boys or girls: im thinking…boys…girls are dumb
121) Do you sing in the shower: haha yea
122) Who's the best looking person: george clooney makes me happy…
123) The best way to die: peacefully? lol
124) When do you want to die: well since I don’t really have a choice, I guess I don’t care
125) Have you ever called a 900 number: nope
126) Gold or Silver: gold…white gold…
127) Would you ever go bungee jumping: yes
128) Would you rather be short, tall, or semi-tall: semi-tall
129) Do you enjoy reading: yep
130) Which Winnie the Pooh character is your fav: eeyore
131) What was the last movie you watched: American beauty
132) Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: no…I was given one to sleep with for my 17th birthday…yea I don’t sleep with it
133) Do you think your attractive: ummm vain?
134) What is your sign: Scorpio and sometimes Libra
135) What are your personality traits: umm vain?
136) What is your biggest fear: being alone and then having a fit that goes too far
137) What movie do you really wanna see: I really wanna see closer
138) Who is the least attrative person you know: that’s mean
139) Optimist or Pessimist: optimist….but still a realist…with a side of being a pessimist when it comes to a few things/people
140) Would you ever have cosmetic surgery: nah
141) Do you like to dance: sure
142) What do you think of people who drink: as long as they’re smart about it
143) People who do drugs: it takes them down a few notches
144) Better to cry or laugh: I think they both can be necessary
145) Do you think men and women can ever be just friends: yes
146) Do you bite your nails: sometimes…its not a habit though
147) What's your worst habit: cracking my knuckles and shoulders
148) Did you ever cry over someone of the opposite sex: yes…fucker
149) Who in your life is your biggest role model: hmm…
150) Who was your first crush: Sid…haha man, those were the days
151) Who makes fun of you the most: probably Daniel…or ian…or adam…
152) your best friend: sara or megan
153) Do you want your friends to do this quiz: if they want to..
154) How much time did you spend on this quiz: 44 minutes…while talking to Daniel…and watching sex and the city…not bad

crush me

:: 2004 13 November :: 11.24 am
:: Mood: sleepy

yesterday was pretty good...yay for not having school!

the morning was a pretty laid back one, i watched dawson's creek :) im such a goob, but it was fun, i had already seen the episodes, but its just like friends, you're able to rewatch them over and over, then after that i had to run into BG to the alumni building to drop off my scholarship stuff for them so they can give me thousands of dollars ;) came home and bummed around some more and made plans with kayln to meet at her house and then head over the the Christmas tree makes me sad that they're lighting the tree already, but it was still very nice, i picked dainel up and brought him along also, ironically, we listened to some carols and then met up with megan and hodges and headed to video spectrum to pick out a movie, we got american beauty, i was the only one who had seen it, and i think its an awesome movie, so we decided on it, then headed back to megans to watch it...herringshaw stevie and sara met up with us also, we watched the movie until 10ish then just sat aorund and chatted until was lots of fun, i took daniel home and then got home around 1230 and the stars were AMAZING! i stayed outside for like 20 minutes just starring...its so hard to believe that some people dont have the ability to just look up and see them like i do...i would never survive in a big city where i couldnt look up and see thousands of stars...

today i have to work for 5.5 hope amanda or ashley are working...they seemt o make the time go that much faster while im there....after work...idk whats one tells me anything anymore! lol

otsego lost last night in a lot, but they played really well this year, and hopefully next year will be just as great for them :)

thats doing better at this updating thing!

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 12 November :: 10.30 am

ok, im getting better at this updating thing...not a lot better, but its been less than three weeks since my last update... :)

we started sitdown band, its not so bad, the pieces have been fairly easy so far, and the solos arent bad, plus ive got sara right there, and that makes the period go a little faster

we threw a few times after school this week, it makes me remember how much i really dont like discus...its sad really, i feel like ive been stuck in this rut for the past 2 years, i can't break my pr, its horrible

work has been going by steadily, its not bad, the cashiers are entertaining which is a plus, and i like most of my all is well in that department

college stuff has been going on all around me, i have to go today to turn in my scholarship stuff for BG, yet another chance of a full ride with them, that will be my second full ride if i get sweet like that

i joined the orchestra this week for their holiday concert, i dont know why, i think i just got myself into a lot of trouble, but it'll be interesting, and most definitely stressful, but its another thing to keep me busy, thats really the only thing thats been keeping me going lately, all the things i need to do

last night sara gave me a call after she had finished shopping with her mom and she wanted to hang out, so i headed over to her house, sat around for a bit, then went to kroger to get paid, then to megans...the three of us are the biggest rejects ever, it felt very much like old times where we would just sit around, chat, and laugh uncontrollably over things that arent really all that funny, it was really really nice though, it felt nice. i havent acted that way with anyone lately, and ive missed it.

i think im starting to get myself into trouble though...this new crush has popped up, and its not good...i shouldnt have it, sara says its ok, megan says its ok..but not, so idk, i mean, i do like him, but i know i shouldnt, but its hard because when i talk to him its just nice, and i smile a lot when im around him, and i havent smiled a lot around anyone for a long long time. i'm still really weary about getting close to anyone, i just dont know what to do really, i wanted for so long to just not care about anyone and imm starting to screw myself over

i had an attack the other night, for no reason whatsoever, it only lasted like 10 minutes, and it wasnt really a bad one, but these things are starting to piss me off, i was doing really well for 2 years and now they're popping up all over the God damned place...its really starting to piss me off a lot

the other night felt a lot like it used to...i was online chatting with ian, actually having a conversation with megan, making fun of people with daniel, helping hodges out, and giving advice to someone else...i felt necessary again, it was nice

i think thats it...everyone enjoy your day off!:)

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 4 November :: 2.31 pm

im horrible at keeping up with this thing...i apologize

life has been hectic lately...

working 12 hours a week, its not so bad, its work, it normally passes fairly quickly, i enjoy it while im there, but as soon as i leave, the thought of going back makes me cringe...

school has been decent...calc is the only class im doing "poorly" in...i say "poorly" because its my worst grade...but its still a B+, but its so close to an A, it angers me. band is getting on my nerves a was fun today because i sat by daniel while he played his clarinet for the first time in 5 years...made me happy. the store debts are becoming less and less which makes me happy, but we're playing holiday music already, which makes me sad. i got first chair excited, yet extremely scared at the same not a good soloist, i dont shine under the light like ian does...itll be interesting. calculus is a class i really enjoy...sure i dont always understand and its frustrating, but joh nick whipple and jacob keep it interesting...its always fun...physics...yawn...its such a bore, thank goodness tara is in there so i have someone to talk to..even though we talk a lot when we're not supposed to..ian's in there, but we really dont talk that much...i really really dont like govt...its horrible, i sleep a lot, and the people annoy me...AP is alright...its an english class...a subject ive never really enjoyed, but its better than like art, its really relaxing to sit for 50 minutes and sketch or color or paint, or do whatever it is we're doing that day...i really dont know why i ever stopped sketching when i was younger...why did i box up all of my sketch books and put them in the attic?

we've been supposing to throw after school, but weather has been keeping us from it...we'll see if we ever do throw together, its a nice thought, really it is, but whenever it comes to carrying it out, we never seem as up to it as we previously were...i've gone by myself a few times in the last few weeks...i enjoy throwing by myself, i might go as far as to say i prefer it, but at the same time..i need someone else there to critique me...i need someone to point out what im doing wrong and give me pointers as to how i should go about fixing it...we'll see i guess

my birthday has come and 18 and i feel no different...i had a "surprise" party...i knew about it...they didnt do a very good jo at keeping it secret, but the thought it what counts, and it was very nice...something was lacking from it, and i know what it was, but im not going to go into it on here because i would a) insult a lot of people and b)feel badly about it later on, so on a completely selfish level, i shall keep that bit of info to myself

football season is over...marching season is over...i gave ian and adam a black and white photo i had taken at one of there games...they liked them, i wrote notes on the back..i thought it was a nice hasnt reall hit me that marhing is over...i was expecting something more of a spectacular...something big emotional scene...but there wasnt one, i was ready to get out of there that night, and thats really sad...

i feel like we've all been playig this game lately where we take a step back all the time..and then a whistle will blow and some poeple will take a big step forward, but then start taking their smaller steps back again...its evil

we're going to johnny rockets tomorrow night!! that makes me so happy...

the past few days have been yucky, ive fallen into one of my 'i hat the world' moods, and everyone is really bugging me, its pretty bad, and ive been trying to keep my mouth shut, becuase i know i'll say something that will get me into trouble, thats how it always works

i had a good talk with ian the other night, i told him a lot of things that had been bothering me lately...they still bother me, but now that he knows maes it just a little bit better

i dont think it was me being a pessimist...i think that was the realist in me...that makes sense right?

crush me

:: 2004 16 October :: 10.01 pm

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find a reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

crush me

:: 2004 16 October :: 9.45 pm

its been awhile, but no one has complained, so i'll assume it didnt really matter

lots have happened lately...ive been busy, mostly with work..its not bad, i like most of the people, and i get frequent visitors, so its nice...for a job at least

clarinet auditions came and went....1st chair, im excited and scared all at the same time. its quite an proud of myself...sara got third which is awesome, and carrie powell will be sitting in between headley will hate us, but its fine...i never really liked him anyway

i spent soem time with erica this week...i love that girl, i really wish i spent more time with her, we're so different yet so alike all at the same time...recent occurances have made me wish i would have held on tighter to certain people than i sucks, and its hard to get it all back

i went in this week to talk to mrs dever...convince her im not was just a poem, a poem i really liked, and still really like, the structure was mind blowing, and so what if the topic was touchy? it doesnt mean i related to it...not at this point in time...and i appreciate the concern, really i do, it is comforting to know that teachers will take the time out to contact a parent when their child reads something about suicide...however, the reaction it got from some of my friends is kinda guys are my friends, right? i would have thought that you guys knew me well enough to know that im not like that...not now. idk, it seems like a bunch of bull to me...such crap. idk, like i understand i get quiet a lot of the time, and i dont speak too much about whats going through my head, but i would have thought that years of friendship would kinda clue you guys in on thats how i work. im not a talker...thats why i failed at therapy. i have long drawn out conversations, i think they can hurt more than they can help, i work things out in my head and thats normally where it stays. i apologize if its frustrating to you. i know it is. doug is a prime example....he hates it when i dont talk, but he knows its how i work...he understands it, and lets it go. and i also understand that talking can help...sharing feelings can help...however, i dont share feelings, i hate to break it to you, but im a bottler...its just easier that way. i like it that way. sharing feelings makes me feel vulnerable and it just doesnt work for me. for me. thats the key to this all...this is ME, its how i sorry

i think its time to take a time out for awhile

crush me

:: 2004 4 October :: 9.21 pm

its been awhile again...and again i am sorry

homecoming is over..and i dont think i could be happier. dont get me wrong, i really do enjoy working, and decorating, because its basically a chance for me to hang out with poeple i dont normally get the chance to...i spent like 2 straight days with kaylene, i never see britt unless its sab related, so it was actually a lot of fun...however, because i was working for sab, schoolwork kinda took a backseat, which isnt so hot. my calc grade could use some real help, so we'll see how that turns out, i think i'll ask B tomorrow what my grade is...i was to scared to ask her today...

i started working last week, its not so bad, ive only had 4 hours shifts though...we'll see how i feel when they start working me later and longer...

football games have been going well...the boys won against northview and perrysburg, but lost to AW, thats alright though...better than i thought we'd be offense really, i think i may be skipping the springfield game much as id hate to, other things have popped up that are of a higher priority...

ive been regressing a lot lately...thoughts keep entering my mind that i havent had since i was in like 5th or 6th grade when i was at my worst point..i dont know why they've come back, and its odd because i acknowledge them, i tell myself that they're wrong, but the thoughts keep coming, but i guess as long as i realize what they are and know that i shouldnt be having them, im better off than when i truly believed them...that doesnt make sense to you probably, but i really have no one to share this with, and getting it out makes me feel better, so if you're at all confused just dont worry about it...its nothing hopefully

the word smug comes to mind....

i wish i could take back a lot of things...i dont know if its necessarily a feeling of regret, but if i could go back in time, i dont think i would have told him half of the things i did. and its not even that i dont trust him anymore, im sure he wont go around boasting this to the world, there's no reason to, but at the same time, i dont like having that information out there anymore, i wish i could keep it all in...i've actually gotten to the point where i wish i never would have told anyone...idk, i guess its good that they know, in case they ever have to deal with me/it...but idk, i like hiding, and i cant really do that now....idk, im such a mess right now with this whole thing, i keep going around in circles with myself

i skipped out on homecoming this year...from what i hear, i didnt miss anything...instead i went to the pearl jam a word: amazing. before the show began people were out having political discussions...people were running around getting as many people to register to vote as possible...Eddie Vedder went out into the crowd a few hours before the show and discussed the election with cool is that?? i think its awesome. but once the concert started it was all about the music, which i think is wise, i dont think it would have been very smart for the bands to go up there and give a pro kerry speech when there are people in the audience that were pro bush...not everyone went to the concert becuase of their political views, a lot of people went because of the music, which is fine, and which is why i think it was smart to not start lecturing once put on, yea, it was awesome

im starting to get back into the weing of going to not as far behind as i once feared and the teachers are really being nice about the whole being behind thing...i think i lucked out with my group of teachers this year..thank God

at the beginning of the year, i used to think i would be sad when the end of football season came...idk if i feel that way anymore..i mean, it'll be bittersweet, but once its over...we've got wintersports to look forward to, not that i do any, but that means i can start off season training for track...well hopefully that is..i dont know if we still plan on doing it, i really want to, so i guess time will tell

i stayed up late friday night chatting with megan for a bit after everyone left...its amazing how i can feel better after talking with her...i didnt even talk about anything of any importance, its not like we sat there and laid out on the table everything that was bothering us...we just sat there, and chatted about whatever came to mind, ate some frozen yogurt, and nothing more...yet at the end, i felt completely at ease...

i wish i had enough trust in people to really talk sometimes...

you know what i like? bus rides home from football games. i get like 30 minutes of douggie time, which i havent had in what seems like forever...its just nice :)

hmm...i need to start sending in my college apps...

thats all, sorry it was so long!

crush me

:: 2004 23 September :: 5.09 pm

haha long time...long long time

so fuck me. i hate it when i get so stubborn about mind is completely set on it, i refuge to budge, and then someone says something that makes me completely second guess myself. im talking about the dance here. i was set on not going...i turned away a perfectly good date - thats how averse to going i was. then i was talking to someone about living up my last year of high school and not caring about things that wont matter in a few years...fuck me. im still not going, i have other plans for that night, plans im really excited about...but now i have this little voice in the back of my head wondering what all i'll be missing...the wonderful after party im going to be missing...the kodak moments i wont be there to catch and have my mom scrapbook...idk, it sucks, but at the same time, i know i'll have fun also...very frustrating

so, anyway, it has been awhile since my last's been busy, thats the main reason for the constantly going somewhere, painting something, calling someone, shopping for something, or running late to a meeting. school work has become less important, im horribly behind, eating? whats that?? i dont have time for lunch - well i take that back, i have time, but im too busy thinking about other things that by the time i think to go get food i have 3 minutes until the bell rings and theres just no normally late getting to AP after lunch anyway. i get out of school after 6th...doesnt matter...i'm still there until like 4 everyday anyway, ive actually left a few days at 150 when im supposed to...i get home and im confused as to what im supposed to do. ive also fallen back into the routine of falling asleep when i get home...its never a good sleep though, i feel extremely groggy when i wake up and it would have been better had i never closed my eyes...
im greatful for being busy though...i fear what would happen if i would be left with myself for too parents are gone this weekend, and i plan on staying with mike at his place...if he'll have me that is. i dont know what it is, but the idea of being alone really creeps me out now...i dont trust me by horribly regressing lately, and i need, NEED, to figure out how to reverse it...fuck
my mom won tickets to CP...only 2 though...i think she and my dad should go up, but that wont happen...i should steal them and go up with a friend...i need to find someone who loves rollercoasters as much as i do...hmm

this next month needs to pass really quickly

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 9 September :: 8.04 pm

mr tim8: i thought of you today
mr tim8: imnot going to lie
WulffMsc: aww, yay
WulffMsc: why? lol
mr tim8: i was taking a geology quiz
mr tim8: and the question was like
mr tim8: in the igious rock cycle please explian why rocks may have very simlar comaptions but have very different texture please explain why this happens and cite two rocks that this is evedint in and explain how it would accor in nature
mr tim8: and i was like
mr tim8: hm man
mr tim8: i wish brittany was here
WulffMsc: haha
WulffMsc: thats great
mr tim8: what was even greater was i knew that answer

tim is my favorite

crush me

:: 2004 6 September :: 10.40 pm

i actually ate today...a full meal...i think thats the first time in a little over a week...i felt horrible afterwards, but i ate, theres nutrients in me now...that is a plus

sunday ian daniel and i ate lunch at arbys...we're real winners, we stayed there for 3 hours, adam met us for a bit, we talked to the twins and ran into bob, it was nice, i really enjoyed it...i think ian and i need to make this lunch thing a weekly event...i like our little games of catch up :) ian adam and i went to meijer...hung out with bob while he worked, i bought ian a candy car...ian took me back to my car where we had a 5 minute catch up was a great session though, i met adam at finders, where amanda then met us, we went to dans and stayed there the rest of the night, and did a shit load of nothing, stevie and megan also joined us there

today...slept until 11, that was glorious, i felt like a big bum though, and i did nothing, but today was the first day in awhile that ive felt ok about things, and ive continued to feel ok about things even though nothing has really hate to say it, but maybe im just getting used to it, even though this isnt something that anyone should ever have to get used to...idk, all i know, is im feeling better

crush me

:: 2004 4 September :: 1.39 pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: KBV2

first week of school....done
first two football games....done
feeling better....fuck

i feel like shit, and i have for awhile, ive gotten to the point where i dont eat because food looks in no way appetizing, i dont sleep because of this constant feeling of discomfort, i just hurt, and im getting sick of it. i told stevie i'd just like to fast forward a bit and see what happens, thatd be great. but i was thinking about it...this is all self-enduced..not the actual thing thats causing it but the reaction...i just need to learn to move on and i'll be alright, but theres this constant feeling, and i know exactly what it is, and i know it wont go away for awhile until i actually discuss it, however, i dont see that discussion coming up anytime bare with me for awhile...this looks like its gonna be a long road, but i promise, i'll get my act together someday..i actually think ive been doing fairly well, i mean, my ability to hide shit really surprises stronger than i thought

school actually hast been bad...ive grown to hate band, calc is fun though, physics could use some activity, govt...well, i just talk to hess the entire time...and AP normally shows for some fun times, and art i can sit there in solitude for awhile and its nice. im able to leave right after 6th, but lately ive been staying the entire day to work on things for either band or week i'll have to work on sab at least starting to wish i wasnt so involved with everything...

i got to see aunt elaine last night..she was at the game...she said megan and i can go for a taking her up on that...some time away from ohio is much needed right now...out of sight, out of mind right? probably wouldnt work

i also saw the herringshaws metcalfs wensinks and mershmans at the many people to say hi to!!

homecoming is soon...makes me want to cry a lot...very stressful, i dont even want to think about the hours of work im gonna have to put into that

how long until graduation??

crush me

:: 2004 31 August :: 3.34 pm
:: Mood: indescribable

first day of school...over

last night megan called me and asked if i wanted to go watch amandas game with her...well, it was that or work on my idea/quote lists some more so i eagerly very first volleyball game, it was exciting, i need to learn the calls though and then i think i'll understand it all a little bit more. but before the game, i was at megans house and we were looking at pictures of megan and aaron from when they were little...i miss being little...that time in your life where nothing matters as long as theres a game to play, and your bed waiting for you at night. but anyway, we went to the hs for the game, picked up our yearbooks which are a vast improvement from the year before. went to the sundae station afterwards and quickly headed home because it was fast approaching 930 and i still have some work to do...

so..first day of my senior took my picture this morning...kinda cute. classes i think are going to be is band..calc will be fun, 5 girls and like 20 guys haha. but brighman is fun, and we get along. physics i have ian and't i have with hess, so it should be entertaining to say the least...AP will kick my ass, and art is intriguing, i know i wont be the best at it, but i still think it'll be fun, plus ive got adam lingering around the room also, which is nice...then i get to go home i went to see mom, told her all the shit i need to buy, ran to the CA, contemplated going to see coach, but decided against it...too many small people around to face it alone, i'll wait until adam decides to come with me

now i have a 2 page journal to write, a calc worksheet and some forms to fill out...yay for school...

crush me

:: 2004 23 August :: 9.53 am
:: Mood: happy, but pissed because i have to go to band
:: Music: final fantasy 5 and 6!!

havent updated in

ok, so lately, ive felt like ive been going around completely blind folded, and i havent been able to find anything, it's like i was in a damn meadow...then last night i finally hit a wall. pretty hard too. it was one of those...smack yourself on the forehead, cause the biggest welt because you're the biggest dork ever kinda things. i already knew what i found out...but hearing it from the source helped soooo much. i think we may have finally reached the ok the ok ok, no the ok but sometimes not ok stage that we've been in for awhile. makes me happy. well, plus the fact, i have a sweet ass euchre partner now haha

this weekend was a lot of fun. friday we had the freshman breakfast, so stevie sara and i went out after about 2 hours of sleep and picked up some three very surprised freshmen. went to the HS at 6am and ate some food, played some ridiculous games and then came home. i think they really enjoyed themselves...they got a better freshman breakfast than we did. came ready for my interview (yea i know, britt working...such a shocker..) but yea, got the job, so now i have to go through all that work permit shit and ugh, anyway, left here with sara to go get dani! that was tons of fun, raining hardcore, the fort was basically one big puddle, went to the mall to grab some subway and shop a little before going to the guys' scrimmage...they looked good, but i guess we'll wait until friday to see how good. left the scrimmage early and went to grounds and then to amandas...watched the olympics and then left. did a lot of explaining to dani..filled her in on pretty much everything, shes the whole...unbiased opinion you want to hear :)
saturday we woke up and headed into town...ran an errand for band and then went to megans to help her pick out a pair of glasses shes you're thinking, picking out glasses that should take like 3 did. then we talked for about 50 haha. we watched her paint her room and just chatted...gotta love megan. and her family because we got a free cake from them instead of having to go buy one. granted it said 'chris happy 13th'. adam was able to scrape off the chris, make the 3 into an 8 and draw a dolphin on it with the frosting dani and i went to kroger to buy. the cake looks really good, so daniel adam dani and i sat and watched both kill bills...amanda came out during the first one? idk, she came sometime. had stevies party that night...she was complteely surprised...expecially when she cut the cake and found some money bundled up inside for her tattoo :) she loves us haha. so i actually get to go todya and watch her get kinda creeped out but at the same time, incredibly intrigued. played a lot of euchre that much fun, made dinner which was great, it was just an amazing night...
sunday, dani and i left here arounf 1,went to finders...found both the kill bill sound tracks that i realy want and will soon have and she cought aerosmith g.h., went to panera, sat around there for over an hour just chatting, went to for keeps, and then visited daniel at the library...talked to mrs dunn! i love mrs dunn...shes so cool. came home, cleaned the house, then bill and robin came and they left...sad, i miss dani already! haha, i'll make her come up again during the school year :)
went tod ans last night, played euchre, and sat around...gotta love it
well, i think that was upbeat enough :)

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 17 August :: 10.53 am

Well tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
Anyway I've got no place to go

And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I may not be alone

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

You can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
And if you don't expect to much from me
You might not be let down

'Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

Well tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
And anyway I've got no place to go

And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I may not be alone

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

You know she took my heart
Well there's only one thing I couldn't start

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 17 August :: 10.32 am
:: Mood: kinda blah

so the long awaited viewing of Kill Bill Volume 2 happened on was sweet, i plan on watching it again soon. but hoenstly i cant figure out which one i like more...the first volume had amazing action sequences, but the second one wasnt exactly lacking in that either...the second one developes the plot (obviously) but what made the first one so great was the mystery of the entire thing also...idk, i almost cant compare them. but yes, it was sweet

daniel adam and i went over to megans then afterwards...were bums for a bit, then got some games of euchre much euchre! it was a lot of fun though...card games just have the ability to take your mind off of everything and make it seem not so bad...but as soon as the cards go back in the box you're stuck again. so soon after the games wrapped up i left, i couldnt take it anymore. but yay for euchre...hopefully dani knows how to play bid..if not, she will learn. i know she already knows the concept of euchre because we've played turn up together, so it wont be difficult to teach her.

first dya of band camp yesterday...not so bad, i just realized that being at band for more than 2 hours is kind of a chore. but i found some freshman that make it not horrible...they actually make it kinda fun, because they learn quickly so its shoulders really hurt today, i really wish they werent so weak sometimes, think of how sweet i would be at throwing if they werent weak....dammit, eh. but yea, i got acquainted with my store..and i will continue to do so for the rest of the week, and at some point in time, i'll figure out a name and actually make a of these days...

officers were introduced last night to the entire band...tons of cheering, it felt sweet, idk, normally i dont like being the complete center of attention, but that was cool. it was just a nice feeling to have everyone yelling and clapping for YOU. kinda cool :)

senior meeting last night...i started off with the job of signing people up..then i got backed into a rack of uniforms and they kept coming closer...very creepy, i didnt like it, its the first time thats ever really happened, and it was almost scary, so i just handed off the paper and got out of there, it was so weird...then i retreated back to my store and closed up, calmed me down a bit before getting ready to leave

the trucks back passenger break light and blinker are out...therefore, my mom has it today, i have to drive the neon..i dont really mind though, its kinda nolstagic, i kinda miss that car sometimes...i miss the gas mileage...and the faster rate at which i can whip it around...mmm

thats it, gotta go get ready for camp

crush me

:: 2004 13 August :: 10.00 am
:: Mood: it changes about every 5 minutes

ok, ive really been avoiding this thing like it was the plague. i just dont know what to write in here...i know something i dont want to write about, but i fear that if i start to mention one little thing about it, i wont be able to stop...i havent been able to tell anyone how i really feel about it, because i dont think its appropriate to. i know that after i basically spilled everything in my head, i would end up feeling like such a burden for involving them. this is a situation that i dont think anyone should sucks a lot.

fair came and went. it was a lot of fun though. something new...did a lot of walking, which i discussed the benefits of that with stevie last night, so the two of us are gnna start going on walks now...hopefully. saw tons of people at fair, it was nice. worked the milkshake booth which went by really quickly becuase it was basically hanging out with friends for two much fun :) little shaw is rapidly becoming one of my favorite people to scoop ice cream with haha. that and the fact that he and trent are MESSY! so all in all, i give the fair a know what would make it better?!?! lawn mower racing! hahaha...ugh

squad leader training went really well...basically gave me an excuse to hang out with bielen and rush for 7 complaints there, bielen is hilarious so it all went quickly. got a lot accomplished and i think this year should be pretty good...shoop!!

allergies have been killing me off and on this last week...this last week was just a bad one haha. i think im getting used to it though..they only bother me in the morning, but by noon by nose feels fine, but then i just have to bare with the fact that the constant drainage from the morning makes my stomach hurt for the rest of the day...

i went bowling last night with adam and daniel..i beat them both the first game, but then lost to adam in the second. it was fun though...a little awkward at times, but i guess we're working on it...went to rallys...met up with amanda and stevie, chatted for a long time, gave up around 10 til 11 and went home...good times

meeting today...then chicken dinner then movie! AvP...yes.

1 heartless bastard | crush me

:: 2004 12 August :: 11.34 pm

Baby cried the day the circus came to town
'cause she didn't want parades just passin' by her
So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown
While she danced without a net upon the wire
I know a lot about 'er 'cause, you see
Baby is an awful lot like me

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Baby saw that when they pulled that big top down
They left behind her dreams among the litter
The different kind of love she thought she'd found
There was nothin' left but sawdust and some glitter
But baby can't be broken 'cause you see
She had the finest teacher-that was me-I told 'er

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost made it

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

crush me

:: 2004 4 August :: 2.33 pm

I cannot find a way to describe it
It's there inside, all I do is hide
I wish that it would just go away
What would you do, you do, if you knew
What would you do

All the pain I thought I knew
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable, come and take me away

I feel like I am all alone
All by myself I need to get around this
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand
Cause no one understands

All the pain I thought I knew
All my thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable, come and take me away

I'm going no where [on and on and]
I'm getting no where [on and on and on]
Take me away
I'm going no where [on and on and on and on]
[and off and on and off and on]

All the pain I thought I knew
All my thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable, come and take me away

Take me away
Break me away
Take me away
Take me away

crush me | Random Journal