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emilydawest

:: 2004 11 December :: 7.07pm

Well my last entry was crazy. that is what happens when i am up too late. And to continue that thought, I wasup until 3, didn't really sleep any after that point...maybe on and off sleeping because i moved from the room with the woodstove to the cold room about three times, and then i was awake at 7.

So the morning was a bit crazy, like i think when i am around trisha i become dumb, or at least very stupid, or silly. not sure what, but it was snowing outside and we decided it would be fun to wake up sharon's brother by throwing snowballs at him. Oh it was fun, but if trisha hadn't been there i probably would have been on the computer or doing something else. Since sharon usually doesn't wake up until 9:30 or 10.

Anyhow it was a good laugh. It is fun to pick on younger people.

Blah, so trisha ended up coming over to my house for a few hours after we left sharon's at 10:30. We watched Starksy and Hutch.

Then after my family took trisha home we went to the Historical Society to see all the prettyful decorations hanging up. then came home ate supper and voila.

so, i am tired, but i am not sure if want to go to bed right now because i am sure everyone else is going to be awake fairly late and that means they are going to be loud and that means i won't be able to sleep because there is going to be too much commotion. BLAH.

crush me


emilydawest

:: 2004 11 December :: 1.38am

so its late and i am at sharon's house (yet again) trish is asleep in the room next door and well sharon...is trying to go to sleep downstairs. Yet, here i am for some reason at this late hour doing nothing in particular but writing about nothing particular. Maybe i am bored, maybe i am tired and just don't want to admit it, but for some reason here i am.

Today was an okay day. I thought i wouldn't make it through the day since i was up so late on thursday night and woke up so early friday morning and look...it is saturday! yay!

So i don't know what is going on today, i guess i am supposed to take trisha home, but i don't know how my parents are going to react to that exactly. Since they are always bitching at me about something in reguards to "overusing" the car...which means driving maybe once or twice a week. wow.

But, yah know, if they want to adopt trisha since it is such a sin to drive, then that's okay too, i have a pretty big bedroom i am sure i could fit another bed in there for her.

Not that i would want to, but, you know what i mean. I just don't understand why my parents are treating me like i am about three years old when well I am 18. That is cruel isn't it?

And since when is a car meant for driving? that blows my mind. I always thought that a car was meant to be kept in a garage or a driveway, who drives anyways?

obviously not me.

crush me


emilydawest

:: 2004 4 December :: 4.40pm

I spent friday night and part of today with my grandma. It was so nice. I wish i saw her more often...

1 heartless bastard | crush me


sushininja

:: 2004 3 December :: 12.08am

"Hell's polyhedron has blessed you
Your peerless beauty drips of sin
In this time of configuration,
blessed order shall prevail
Two sides to the war on flesh
Leviathan, who can't smile, beams"

Lord Worm

2 heartless bastards | crush me


emilydawest

:: 2004 2 December :: 7.39pm

So, I have decided that I am no longer going to worry about putting great amounts of effort into my school work at home BECAUSE:

I can do it during school during my other classes. The only demanding class as of now is German II.

Like today. I did my Sociolgy homework in US government, I did my German Homework in Sociology and I did my Ecology homework in German. Quite simple, and quite effective. I think i actually learn better when I am passively listening. Because usually I would be reading a book during the lesson...instead i am doing some kind of work, and i listen to the teacher as a side note. It works fairly well.

I guess we will see how i do on my Government test tomorrow.

crush me


sushininja

:: 2004 28 November :: 12.26pm

Bullshit

1 heartless bastard | crush me


emilydawest

:: 2004 25 November :: 2.28pm

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

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emilydawest

:: 2004 21 November :: 1.54pm

I have something to say, and i might as well say it now.

I have figured out what i want to do with my life. Well not the exact thing that i want to do but a rather general idea.

I want to be happy. That is the one thing i want more than anything. Happy to me though doesn't mean what it used to. Before getting married was what i thought would bring me true happiness. Well that isn't neccessarily the case anymore.

What I see as happiness now is much much different. It has taken me awhile to realize this, but here I am now.

1) I want to be successful. Isn't that just about everyone's dream? Well I want to make something of myself while I am still young. So many people just go through life without ever showing their full potential.

2) I want to be well-off. I love my life, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I feel like I am missing out on my youth because I don't have enough money for gas, or I have to save my lunch money to buy other things. I want to have a job that will put me ahead of the game.

3) I want to start my own business. I am not sure exactly what kind of business yet (i have somewhat of an idea) but I want to be able to work for myself and do what I want to do.

4) I want to able to ski. I know this may sound a bit ridiculous, but I am serious. I love to ski, I love it so much in fact, that my favorite thing about the winter season isn't Christmas, it is skiing. I only get to ski maybe 2 times a year. When I am able to be on my own I want to live close enough a a ski resort so I can go whenever I want to and not have to worry about driving 6 hours to get there.

crush me


emilydawest

:: 2004 20 November :: 6.03pm

It is nice to hang out with Trisha again. It has been such a long time, and i almost forgot how SILLY she is.

We went to eat at Big Boy's after the play was over. At this time Trisha informs me that she had taken work off this Friday and said that she was going to be out of town. Guess where she works? Big Boy.

So we walk in there and everyone is like confused/mad at her. I thought it wa hilarious.

We spent the night at Sharon's after eating.

So this morning her and I were awake fairly early, probably around 7. We here an alarm clock go off. You know that gawking, obnoxious blairing noise? Well maybe you don't but it was terrible. So we decided to wake up the person that would not turn off their alarm. So Sharon's brother was doomed. Trisha thought it was a good idea to turn his over head light on so we did that. He didn't wake up. So then she decided to turn the light off and on repeatedly. That didn't work. So we then decided to wake up Sharon.

Sharon was much harder to wake up. First we turned the light on, then trisha started throwing close pins at her. She wouldn't wake up. So we went and tried to wake up Norm again.

We heard him walking around in his room so we ran and laid back down and tried to act like we were asleep but do you know how hard that is when Trisha is laughing?

He came downstairs and man o man he looked pissed. I couldn't help but laugh though. Trish and I reasoned that he had wanted to be woken up. That was why his alarm clock went off right?

And for the case of sharon she had to be awake by 8 thirty anyways because she had to get ready to march in the parade that morning. So we were doing her a service in a sense.

Yah, so everyone was mad at us as they ate breakfast and slouched around the house. Wow it was funny. good times.

crush me


emilydawest

:: 2004 18 November :: 11.13pm

well well well
Today went exceptionally well. I am not sure why...well actually i am sure why, but do you think I am really going to tell you? ummm...no.

But, it was a good day. I got to hang out after school at sharon's house for a good few hours, jumped on the trampoline a bit, caused a ruckus, and in general plain mayhem.

tomorrow and this weekend should go well i hope. The parade is this saturday...wow the year is going by so fast already...almost kind of scary.

crush me


emilydawest

:: 2004 17 November :: 6.06pm

Today went better than yesterday (at least up until this point)

I am still feeling very lowly, or maybe just depressed, upset, and kind of giddy. I think the giddiness comes from the lack of sleep.

I have two projects to present by the end of the week, one is a speech, the other is a project with two other people. Maybe if I am still in this mood of apathetic giddy at the time of presentation I won't be nervous. Actually that is my plan of attack alot of times. I stay up late for 2 or 3 days before the presentation, so when I get up in front of the class I am only half coherent, but i still talk fine, I just don't care about anything.

go me

crush me


emilydawest

:: 2004 16 November :: 10.11pm
:: Mood: weird

chaos
So today was a fairly good day. I went to school with a positive start. Sharon picked me up for school and I was enjoying it. I got to school, it started well except I got an infamous yellow slip from the office which read "Report to Mr. Vannets office when convient." Which means...I had some explaining to do on account of my attendance record.

Because you see last week on thursday I wasn't in 6th pd even tho my teacher knew i was in the office. It was just a big misunderstanding, and it was quickly solved by my quick thinking, and my ability to create an alibi like nothing else.

So after that I went through the day feeling rather good about myself. At one point i actually started to whistle a little tune and even sing .

In fifth period I was feeling rather high when I stole a ruler. The teacher kept nagging us all "make sure you return the rulers when you are finished because ppl are stealing them" So just to prove him right, I did.

I decorated my locker after school and made it rather beautiful with an array of picture, one of which was some buffalo, my dad with an action figure George W Bush and my brother launching himself from a swing.

I went home on the bus, had a rather joyous time being a miscreant by throwing remnants of the stolen ruler at jerk freshman. I

got home and felt quite fine. I called Trisha to talk about her current situation and how her life was going. Then I called Sharon to tell her that I wanted to go to her play on both Wednesday and Friday. Then I called grandma West to have her be my accomplice in a matter concerning Christmas. Everything was going well.

Then Sharon called.

She was having a costume problem and she needed my aid. I didn't know how my parents were going to react, but they let me run into BG to help her out. I got there, shut my door too quickly and with that slam my world caved in.

I locked the keys in the car with the engine running. At first i didn't notice, until i started to walk towards the school when i heard this humming noise, and then i said, "oh shit."

I ran into the school talked to Sharon, used her phone eventually got ahold of my mom she yelled at me for a considerable amount of time until she finally decided that coming into town to unlock the car was the best idea. (she advised leaving the car run until all the gas was gone. But I advised agaisnt that because i was currently in a teacher's spot that if the car was left there until the next it woud most certainly be towed.)

So my mother decides to drive into town (God forbid) and i am sitting out on my car waiting. Uncle Norm and Alex pull in, because Alex has bball practice at 7. He takes a double take drops off alex and comes back to talk to me. Luckily he sticks around until my mom gets there so I wasn't a victim of her wrath.

I finally get the car turned off, and get ot the play. When i go int there however, who else do I see but the one man that makes my skin feel like it is festered with every parasitic insect imaginable...

I try to ignore him, I even used the "Don't look at him act like you are busy" technique. But evetually he caught me and started yapping. The sap wasn't even at school today that lardass. God I am mad. I have never been so utterly creeped out in my life. Its like I seriously feel violated even though nothing has come close to it. It is just a sickening feeling I get everytime he is near me. It almost like he is Satan. He smiles, he laughs, he thinks he is Mr hotshot. Some people do belong in Hell.

So he is there which doesn't make the situation any better. AT least Sharon's family showed up (and amanda) so I sat with them and was protected from certain people. But he kept looking at me anyways, and I felt that gut wrenching illness that makes me wonder if I want to be a women anymore, because if i attract nastiness then i might as well just give up.

The play went very well, Sharon did a fantastic job and then i went home. Well actually I waited around inside for awhile to make sure that that loathesome scum left before me, but Mrs. Simon also escorted me to my car for safety measures. Ugh, I am so ill at ease now.

And so that was my day. And to make it worse, Trisha informed me that her problems escalated tenfold. Wow. A good day went so wrong.

crush me


sushininja

:: 2004 16 November :: 12.11am
:: Music: There you are - Flaming Lips

I really wish I knew what you wanted...half the time I'm doing stuff that you want me to do...like pretending do sound happy on the phone...I'd think that you'd want to hear me happy rather than sad when you do talk to me...maybe you'd like to hear that I'm doing alright, through all of this, rather than being the wreck that I am...I don't know...it'd be a pretty poor excuse to say that I do this all for you, so I'm not going to venture there...a lot of the stuff, I know, is pure shit...and that's how it seems that I treat you, which is unfortunate, to say the least...I don't know why I do it, but I sure wish I wouldn't...I mean, I love you more than anything in the world, and here I am making you hang up on me and not answer my calls and even dread my phone calls, which were something you used to look forward to...how far have I fallen...A lot of this comes from my inability to figure out what I want...I'm not sure what I want in terms of you...I do know that I want to get back together with you, but that is rather unfortunate, because you do not see it happening...also, why would you want to be with me, with how I treat you and everything, and how all we can do is fight anymore...I keep telling myself I want to move on, and I even believe it, until I see you...it happens everytime...everytime I see you, it's like the first time...the first time I realized I'd fallen for you, and the first time I realized I'd never get up, because that is how it would be, that is how I want it to be...to be always falling for you...

1 heartless bastard | crush me


emilydawest

:: 2004 15 November :: 7.38pm

It has been awhile since I thought about my will be. I wonder where I will go, what will take me there, where I belong, what I will do. I kiss the promises of misfortune; I shun the opportunities of luck.

For once it would be nice to be on my own. I could skate across the vacant space; grasp the beyond, live without worry or restraint. I wonder in fact when that time will come –the time when I am able to confront my feelings and finally express them thoroughly. Until then I perhaps will wander carelessly within myself.

I could run forever. I could turn corners I had never seen with a keen glance and dismiss them with nothing more than a nod. The distance between the horizon and I would be seamless, permeable and ubiquitous. I would neither be coming nor going. I would be.

I cannot let go of what I need to. Rather, I cannot let go of what is holding me back. This is the root of my problems. I keep returning and I keep giving in. Soon I must do what I need to do.

Would the sunsets contain the happiness I seek? I whisper yes, but I internalize no.

crush me


emilydawest

:: 2004 15 November :: 7.23pm

I am not sure how many times I have had people say to me “I am a nonconformist.” Many times I just nod and continue on with life. Others I laugh and give a little shrug and I walk away. But there are those that I can’t help but feel sorry for because they are so clueless they make me, of all people, look clever.

I myself haven’t ever really been classified as anything. At the end of 8th grade I was hanging out with future cheerleaders, but that ended rather awkwardly because I for one was not the type to go around flaunting my mad acrobatic skills.

As a freshman and Sophomore I was grouped with the “Band Nerds” but that died out when I quit at the end of tenth grade. For a while after that I was then an “Anti-Band” because everyone loathed me for leaving them stuck with two lunatic band teachers. I think they are just jealous.
Now, as a Senior I am still wandering in No Man’s Land. I am in between enemy lines and for some reason I am on no ones side. I actually have decided that being unlabeled isn’t such a bad thing. For the most part I get along with everyone, or rather I am not the object of someone’s hate. That happens a lot. If you are popular the unpopular people hate you. If you are a sport’s freak the clumsy people despise you.
T
hat is why it is so nice to be a No Grouper. Well I guess I do have a group, the No Group.

So far my No Group consists of me, my friends Sharon, Lorelei, MariJane Tripp and a few others that I talk to at school. But for the most part my group is Sharon and I. After all a group is a gathering of more than one person therefore two is perfect.

crush me


emilydawest

:: 2004 14 November :: 7.09pm

Amish Country was pretty good. I got to buy some bulk food, eat good food, and buy cheap stuff.

It was good.

crush me


emilydawest

:: 2004 10 November :: 8.05pm

There was a point in time when I could make my journal entries sound very clever, well it seems that those times has passed. I hate life.

It is back to the cold long dark times. The only positive thing i can think of now is that I will be able to ski very very soon. I keep that thought in my head and living in fewer daylight hours isn't so hard. Sometimes I think about living in Alaska.

I am happy to be an Ohioan.

Actually when i think about it, living in Ohio isn't such a bad thing. It might be an agricultural epicenter, it might be boring and flat (mostly just in the the northwestern corner) but it isn't as bad a say....Coonville Kectucky. But then again...Bowling Green Ohio isn't all that sophisticated either. I am not complaining I am simply...stating the facts.

I would really like to live in California. Partly because I fell in love with the place when I went there last spring, and partly because everything seems to be within driving distance in that state. In the north there are the vast redwood parks and preserves, and also the Sierra Nevadas. In the middle there is Sacramento, Santa Cruz, and of course San Francisco. The south there is LA, San Diego and some of the best surfing in the US. I think i would live in the north, near the ocean, but not too far from the mountains, that way i could ski and swim all in one day.

But, the way i figure it, i won't be living there for say...another 10 years. What joy.

Sleep tight world.

crush me


emilydawest

:: 2004 9 November :: 5.09pm

I think my bad luck is coming to an end. Yay.

I think today was an okay day. I was kind of out of the loop because i wasn't at school yesterday.

I wish there was snow on the ground, because than i could ski. I don't like the cold when there's no snow. Cold without snow is totally and completely pointless.

crush me


sushininja

:: 2004 8 November :: 11.06pm
:: Music: Dragonforce!

Dragonforce'd
Wow...Jetrho Tull was simply amazing...they were everything I was expecting and more...Ian Anderson is still the crazy man I expected him to be...he still has the "nothing is sacred" attitude that I've read about and listened to...the only thing that would have made it better was if they had played either Thick as a Brick or Minsterel in the Gallery...but yeah, they played all of my favorites, including My God and Cheap Day's Return...they pretty much played the entire Aqualung ablum, except for Up to Me and Lick your Fingers clean...for their encore, they played Locomotive Breath and Wind Up...all of them had an amazing presence...the bassist was just plain creepy...the percussionist was real good...I am really glad I went, the seats were fine, Ian had a good time too...

Saturday, I just spent the day in the house, except for work...the LAN didn't happen for me, cause I wasn't feeling too well...oh well...Sunday, I did homework, and helped out on the Opera's strike...Logan was there, and helped out a little bit, before his parents came to pick him up...I stayed thereuntil 9:30, and we got quite a bit of work done...like Jackie said, most of the staff is new and inexperienced...a few of them were getting yelled at by Keith, which had go to be a little bit demoralizing...anyways, after the strike, I went to Joe's for a bit, and then onto home...I talked to Jax for a bit on the phone, and then went to bed...

There is a thing that has formed between Jax and Logan, and even though a lot of guff is being handed out to Jackie, I'm not one of them...I am wishing them the best of luck, and hope things work out for them...

While I was talking to Jax, she told me something that made me very, very angry...so angry, in fact, that the only time that really supercedes it is when my dad called Eileen earlier this summer...

On a lighter note, Jax also told me something that is extremely hilarious, and will be used later on as blackmail...hehe...

*innocent grin*

"I saw it end long before it ended
Life itself turned pale and ended
I saw you cry out acres of your image
Life itself does not heal me"

1 heartless bastard | crush me


emilydawest

:: 2004 5 November :: 6.27pm
:: Mood: weird

So lately i have been having these bad days...and then it turned into a week. Hopefully a week is all it lasts.

crush me

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