2005 10 July :: 12.10 pm
I feel horrible.
Atleast I had fun while the night lasted... until my father called me and I had a dead battery. Fun times!
If any of you are interested I'll tell you the story or I may update with it later when I feel decent and don't have a hang-over.
*gasp* Jack! I have to tell all of you about Jack. B-e-a-u-tiful.
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2005 7 July :: 10.45 pm. I feel it in me .
...my next wish is the catch - I'll die before I come back...
I wish I had that kind of strength. Instead, the only way I'll be dying is by his hands because I did come back.
I always come back.
I always get this.
I should be off. I'm not going to try sleeping, it'd be another failure.. instead I plan to find something that occupies my night.
. so overwhelmed .
. all this pressure centerizing .
. my life overturned .
. unfair the despair .
. all these scars keep ripping open .
. do you pull me up just to push me down again? .
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2005 3 July :: 1.25 am
A special thanks to Ellen who made me feel damn lucky to have her around. Thanks for taking the time to tell me what you did... I really appreciate what you said.. even drunk.
I think you are right. I just do this because I like to put myself in bad situations.. it's all I ever seem to do when I run into something good. I go straight back to what wasn't right in my life every time.
...I go to all of the right places for all of the wrong reasons.
I'm sorry for not thinking. I know I have alternatives and -like you said- I put myself here. I can deal with that...
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2005 2 July :: 12.15 am
I hope I never know another person as pathetic as I am.
I was pulled over for driving drunk tonight. I knew the guy, he works with my father. I'm stupid for even... living.
I'm just pissed right now.. by morning it'll all be better for all of them.. most wont remember. I always remember. I wish I had the ability to be forgetful and stupid instead of just being stupid when I've been drinking.
Screw it.. it doesn't even matter. Nothing matters. I'm wasting perfectly good air by even freaking being here right now. Wasting a perfectly good life that someone -or anyone- else should lead for the benefits. I dont have a damn thing to complain about.. I guess just simply being alive isn't good enough for me anymore. I've always had high standards and no capability of reaching them.
Hoo-ray for me.
Hoo-ray for life.
Thanks, Ellen... you know why.
2005 29 June :: 9.45 pm
Such an upsetting night. No matter how far away I get from home problems always follow. I suppose that's just a part of life though, eh? Well... that doesn't make me feel any better.
Going to see someone in a hospital generally means bad news. I don't want this to happen again. I'll probably take off early tomorrow to go to the hospital - I feel like I should anyway.That is unless -he- made it all up for fun and games. I think he was telling the truth though.. when his voice isn't steady you either know something is honestly wrong or he's afraid the world will crash down on him like he tries to make it on everyone else.
I also saw the most uncanny resemblance between myself as a child and another in McDonalds. I suppose you'd have to know how McDonalds was used as a symbol in my childhood to really understand. Anyway, she had a black eye but still appeared as happy as a child can. It is truly amazing how easy it is to cover up the damage you do to a child with something as simple as a Happy Meal. Sad to think how those little boxes of happiness can erase everything..- a magic box -.. practically. It wasn't a hard situation to figure out - given I have experience. It made me cry, the more I thought about it after I got here the more I felt sick to my stomach. I had to leave because I really did end up making myself sick. Sorry for leaving without telling you.
Regardless I suppose I can say as you might say, at least I am safe. I only wish more could have a place like I do to go when things don't go so great.
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