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:: 2005 27 June :: 4.45 pm

. and my words will be here when Im gone .
. as Im fading away against the wind .
. and the words you left me linger on .
. as Im failing again now, never to change this .
..
. and Im sympathetic .
. never letting on I feel the way I do .
. as Im falling apart again at the seam .
..
. and it seems Im alone here, hollow again .
. as Im failing again against the wind .
. and the scars I am left with swallow again .
. as Im failing again now, never to change this .
..
. and Im sympathetic .
. never letting on I feel the way I do .
. as Im falling apart again at the seam .
. and Im sympathetic .
. never letting on I feel the way I do .
. as Im falling apart again at the seam .
..
. the same old feelings are taking over .
. and I cant seem to -make them go away- .
. and I cant take all the pressure sober .
. but I cant seem to -make it go away- .
. the same old feelings are taking over .
. and I cant seem to -make them go away- .
. and I cant take all the pressure sober .
. I cant -make it go away- .


So.. you probably know that my mothers phone call wasn't the only reason I didn't come back to your place. It's hard for me to handle watching you pack everything up and change everything around. It's really hard. I might come back tonight after my game or I might not but if I do or not I'll leave your card there before I go to work.

2 Blank's | Shoot Me


:: 2005 23 June :: 10.45 pm

Yeah...

Anyway, I'm soooo glad I can piss people off so easily. I'm talented.

Good thing I'm in a fairly good mood otherwise I would've been pretty angry right now.

.. I.... wanna rock and roll all nite -and- party every day ..


*sigh* Scott told me my hair was nasty today... it was funny. "What's wrong with your hair is it... oily?" Jacki: no, she uses a lot of hairspray" "That's nasty." I guess he noticed because he was sitting so close to me I had to lean away in order for his shoulders to fit. Not that I wanted to lean away.. lol. I'm just kidding.. I'm not invading anyone else's relationship, I've pulled that number too many times.

I guess that's enough conversation.. my happiness has left so I'm done talking.

7 Blank's | Shoot Me


:: 2005 22 June :: 8.00 pm

. this distance, this dissolution .
. I cling to memories while falling .
. sleep brings release, and the hope of a new day .
. waking the misery of being without you .
..
. surrender, I give in .
. another moment is another eternity
..
. you know me, you know me all too well .
. my only desire - to bridge our division .
..
. in sorrow I speak your name .
. and my voice mirrors my torment .
..
. am I breathing? .
. my strength fails me .
. a bitter memory .
..
. what's my release? .
. what sets me free? .
. do you pull me up just to push me down... again? .


What a day. So, I've come to the conclusion that I'm really not so cut out to live by myself. I must require more human reaction than I thought. It's insane, this is insane. I'm not really a hobby person either, I've never really had a hobby. Never needed one. This "alone time" was kinda good for me.. it just made me realize that I'm incredibly lonely. It's also made me think about my random sex acts. It's not good... not good at all. I've no reason to do it either, I don't even like sex. <-- Just in case you didn't already know. I've no explenation, especially not a logical one.

. 'cause I'm trying to be somebody .
. I'm not trying to be somebody else .

8 Blank's | Shoot Me


:: 2005 21 June :: 10.20 pm

. live in my head for just one day .
. I see myself and look away .
. the road is showing now -on my face- .
. soon I'll disappear .
. I'll disappear without a trace .
..
. faces that I've seen turn old and grey .
. I've lost too many freinds along the way .
. memories I never thought would fade .
. they fade and blow... away .
..
. I wish that I could disappear .
. unzip my skin and leave it here .
. so I could be no one again .
..
. so now the walls are closing in .
. because in life you sink or swim .
. sometimes these shoes don't feel right .
. feel like a book that can't be read .
. a book that can't be read .


I need a hobby...

4 Blank's | Shoot Me


:: 2005 19 June :: 12.40 am

I wish I could just pretend to be dead today. Fathers day is just stupid. I'm happy for those of you with a good father...

But.. really, I'm not a celebration person. I wasn't raised like that. Everyone is so serperated and... well, it's kinda like we're all a different race and everyone is racist. That's my family, no one shares the same opinions so it's left alone.

. If I gave you the truth, would it keep you alive? .
. though I'm closer to wrong .
. I'm no further from right .
. and now I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me .
. convinced on the inside, you're so much more than me .
. no there's nothing you say that can salvage the lie .
. but I'm trying to keep my intentions disguised .
. and now I'm deprived of my conscience and something's got to give .
. this all belongs to me .
..
. I'm beaten down again, I belong to them .
. beaten down again, I've failed you .
. I'm weaker now my friend, I belong to them .
. beaten down again, I've failed you .
..
. the deception you show is your own parasite .
. just a word of advice you can heed if you like .
. and now I'm convinced on the inside something's wrong with me .
. convinced on the inside you're so much more than me .


I hate feeling like a failure. I'm not strong. I can't keep promises. I can hardly stand myself. There's no one left to hurt but me. Everything is because of me anyway, right?

I'm just right on the wrong side of it all.

Shoot Me

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