Dont Hold Back You Can't Hold Back If You Pull Back For Just A Second You'll Eat Shit if we're not careful she'll win over our teachers, buy the dress we couldn't fit into, and kiss our ex-boyfriends In New Port ice cream isn't just ice cream. Instead of car washes, they have auto spas. Dogs have day cares, and Fashion Island has valet parking. I like boys who are a little slutty. A boy whose been around the block. A boy who doesn't know if he's Catholic or not... Excuse me, I've got some shit to attend to... Lilia - Kayla - Rachel - Kristi - Meagan - Julianna - Bailey - Sarah - Nikki - Amy - Melana - Melissa - Brittany - Lauren - Claudia - Jessica - Michelle - Jen - Erica - Amanda - Rachael - Tonya - Yasmenia - Emily - Abigail - Amber - Stephanie - Ariella - Kayla - Stevie - Dana - Gabriella - Hannah - Jamie - Emily - Keira - Lydia - Zoey - Nicole - Lacey - Sandra


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:: 2005 11 May :: 12.29pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: phantom of tha opera


awww ..
woohu ... =\
ii miss iit .
ii look back on my journal ,
and ii have changed so much ..
the friends i've had ,
the ppl ii chiill wiith ...
wow .
juSt had to update =]

comment , brit . lol

2 White Bikinis | Tanned With...


:: 2005 10 May :: 9.40pm
:: Mood: alright
:: Music: combat baby - metric

portal to the sun (repost from lj)
how i remember
barely wild grass between my toes
and the sun kissing my face as i lay
watching the clouds amble 'cross the bluest sky

i loved how the world was my stage
myself being all the actors
today a secret agent, tomorrow a vampire
yet never the damsel in distress for i was always the valiant hero

i miss the feeling of tree bark against my bare feet
and the smell of coming rain as i sat on the highest tree branch
the 5 second heartattack as i leapt from the tree
smiling, accomplished as i landed on my two feet

i loved how when the sun set
that my world was one in a hue of shimmering gold
what a concoction of emotion; the beauty of the ending day
and the knowing that it was time to go in

Tanned With...


:: 2005 9 May :: 5.37pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: let go - frou frou

welcome to cattlesburg: the halloween social
i got a mixture of emotions after he said that. a concoction of being happy, nervous, and horribly angry at the same time. 'yes, this is kieran. why did you leave us? where are you? how have you been?' i blurted out. i heard him sigh, 'well, i'm in vermont now and i've been pretty good.' i shifted the weight on to my right foot and sighed with annoyance. he didnt answer the one question that i really needed to head. so i stayed silent. 'is your mom home?' he asked.
'no, she isnt home right now. why didnt you answer my question? why are you in vermont now? was florida not good enough for you?' i was gettin more and more furious by the second. 'kieran elizabeth roberts! i am your father! you do not speak to me like that!' uh oh, he used the full name, i am in trouble now. 'fathers stay with their kids!' i yelled back. i hung up on him and sulked back to the living room to sit with chevy.
besides charley and mookie, chevy was one of my best friends. he always listens, is there for me, doesnt ever give me any back talk, and only whines when he wants food. i pet him on the head and told him about my 'dad's' phone call. he understood and put his head on my lap.
about ten minutes later my mom walked through the front door. 'dad called!' i yelled from the living room. 'yeah, i heard. he called my cell after you hung up on him,' she said as she walked in to the living room. i gazed out the front window as i pet chevy. 'he wants you, james, and emily to go up and see him after christmas,' she said as she took off her shades and walked in to the kitchen.
that night as we all sat around the island in our kitchen eating our dinner of chinese food, mom broke the news to james and emily. as she did i just looked in my box of chicken lo mein and moved the noodles around with the black plastic chopsticks i had in my hand. neither james or emily protested the christmas break plans, i didnt protest either for i wanted to find out why he left and also to see some snow for the first time.
when dinner was over, i went up to james' room. i stepped into his dark room and almost toppled over a pile of clothes. 'james? where are you in this filth hole of a room?,' i called out as i looked around at his shot glass collection and posters of beer companies and girls in bikins. 'back here!,' he called back. i gingerly walked to the bay window where he was sittin reading a magazine. 'what do you think of us going to go visit dad?' he kept reading his magazine, 'i dunno. we havent seen him in forever. it will definitely be weird.' i glanced down and shuddered at the sight of the empty pizza box that was peekin out from under his bed, 'do you know why he left us? during our whole conversation, this was the first time he looked up from his magazine. he frowned and looked back down at his magazine. 'actually, dont know why he left,' he quietly muttered as he flipped a page. i let out a disappointed sigh and turned around to find a pathway through all the junk the floor so i could make it to the door. i was just about at his door when i heard him say, 'but i will know at the end of december.'
the next day in chemistry, i told mookie and charley the news. 'vermont? kieran, your gonna freeze your katookus off!,' exclaimed charley. mookie finished drumming his pen on the desk and asked, 'when you see him in vermont, how long will it have been since youve seen him?' 'um,' i scribbled a circle on my lab paper, 'a couple of years.'
dash sat down and handed me a single daisy. 'i'm sorry i only got to say hi then run last night.' i grinned and pushed my wavy hair behind my ear so i could put the daisy there. 'stunning,' he noted as he fumbled around with his binder. 'mm, so how do you know jessica harcof?' i asked as he continued to look through his binder. 'last summer, before that car accident,' he smirked,' i met her at this sleep away camp in oregon and when i moved down to to cattlesburg, by some odd act of coincedence, i moved in to a house that is directly across the street from hers.' 'some coincidence. so do you know why she is so mean? she's never mean to mookie though. do you know why? charley and i think its because she is scared of his parents,' i hurriedly whispered seeing as ms. erlin shot me the infamous death glance again. dash smiled and in the same quiet tone said, 'maybe. i will show you tomorrow.' the bell rang and i wondered just exactly what would he be showing us tomorrow as i waved goodbye to him and made my way to the door.
later that night, i was talkin to mookie on the phone as i watched 'singing in the rain.' 'dont you wonder what dash is gonna show us tomorrow?' i asked him. 'duh. yes. now i will finally know why she is always so rude to just you two.' 'thats what i thought. hey, are you going to the halloween social?,' i asked as i chewed on a twizzler. 'yeah, cmon kieran. of course i will be there. i never pass up a chance to cut a rug. im going as a ghostbuster. what are you going as?,' he replied. i laughed, 'hmm, i dont know yet. do you have a date?' 'nah, chaely is going with corey and corey said that his sister val needed a date. i dunno yet though. you going with dash?' i looked down at my watch, 'he hasnt asked yet.' mook said, 'well, i gotta get going. enjoy the movie. goodnight.' i said goodnight then he hung up. for awhile i sat there pondering about the social, dash, and my friends. i finished watching my movie then headed to bed.
mookie, charley, and i are sitting at our table in chemistry when dash brings in a book. was that the thing that would tell is why jessica was so mean to us and nice to mookie? why yes it was. it wasnt a book but more like a diary. it was covered in lavender velvet with snowy white lace glues around the edges. dash opened the diary and flipped it to a random page. I LOVE MOOKIE was written all over the page. mookie 'hmm'ed while his face turned a lovely shade of red. on the next page i noticed my name and i read what she had written. 'that kieran roberts is so lucky to have mookie. i hate her. i'm so mad that dash actually likes her.' i stopped reading and looked up at dash. his face was about the same color as mookie's. 'interesting,' i noted as i closed the book, 'i think we've invaded her privacy enough for the day.'
at lunch, dash came up to the table where charley, mookie, and i were eating and he asked to talk to me in private. i let him lead me to where we were going to talk and while we were walking away i turned around and raised my eyebrows towards charley and mookie. we eventually sat down on benches in the school's garden. 'so as you know the halloween social is coming up. i really want to ask you to go with me but long before i met you i promised jessica i would take her.' i was dumbstruck. the only thing i could thing of to reply was 'oh.' i'm sure he could hear the disappointment in my voice. 'i'm really sorry, kieran. a promise is a promise. jessica has this whole plan for costumes and everything too. i will still see you there,' he said as he went to grab my hand. the bell rang and for once i was actually happy to be going to class.
for the rest of the school day i was once again a walking mixture of sadness and anger. i perked up when charley suggested that we three go to the rusty wave for a post school snack. kudos for charley because she knows that the rusty wave is my favorite resturaunt and that the place just makes me happy. really, that place is the best. they have a surfboad outside where all the ravenous surfers can park their boards while they grab a bite to eat. there is a big metal wave and surfer on the roof. inside its all pictures of surfing, sunsets, and even pictures of us locals. there is even a picture of charley, mookie and i over our favorite indoor booth. our booth is made of parts of surfboards, skateboards, and who knows what. pretty much everyone in town has a picture hanging on the walls. even my dad- he is in the picture from james' 15th birthday dinner we had there. there is always punk and beach rock from unsigned artists screaming from the speakers. every weekend, they have shows either inside or on their large party deck. we are such regulars that the owner mick always says hello to us by name when we come in.
we walked through the bamboo curtain and heard 'hey mookie, kieran, charley.' 'heey mick,' we all answered back. we sat down in our booth and ordered smoothies and fries. about five minutes later, our waiter (who i must say, was not too shabby looking) brought them out. gotta love the service! 'so what happened at lunch? what did dash tell you?,' charley asked. i sighed and took a long sip of my kiwi-strawberry smoothie, 'he told me he was taking jessica to the halloween social. something about a promise he made before he met me.' 'aww, i'm sorry, kieran. that really sucks. stupid jessica!' charley said. she added, 'yeah, i thought she was going to ask mookie to it.' charley and i laughed then mookie wadded up his straw wrapper and threw it at charley. we stayed there for about a half hour more and talked about everything.
'will you be my halloween social date?' mookie asked as we were standing in the middle of our street, 'i have no date. you have no date. i can save you from any tarantulas that pass our way,' he continued on. 'of course i will go with you. i was thinking about asking you. i still have no idea what to be yet. you might have to help me on that one.' 'sweet,' he said as we both parted ways then hollered 'bye' as we got to our front doors.
as i was refilling chevy's water bowl with him rolling around on the kitchen floor, i thought ; 'i'm going to the social with mookie whom jessica is secretly in love with while jessica is going with dash.' tomorrow night shall definitely be intersting.

1 White Bikini | Tanned With...


:: 2005 15 April :: 9.20pm
:: Mood: full from dinner
:: Music: a day late - anberlin

highways & heartaches pt.2
from that day on we spent pretty much all the time we could together. class, lunch, on the weekends, and once in every blue moon when he wasnt working at the happy clam diner and i wasnt pouring over books he would come to my house afterschool.

when he did, i made him my five star specialty of ramen noodle soup. we would eat our soup on my back porch while we watched life go by on the canal i lived on. then afterwards we would go inside, share an old blue flannel blanket, and watch a movie.

sometimes we would skip the movie bit all together and go lay in the hammock that was set up in my backyard. i would listen to his heartbeat and he would mess around with my hair. our faces would be speckled with the pieces of sunlight that managed to break through the tree branches that loomed over us.

all of this happened before my parents got home. my mom worked in real estate and my dad was a pediatrician. they usually were both home around 7. by the time i was 8, i had already learned the drill: they both got home, we ate dinner around a bland dinnertable, then we all went to do our own things.

i remember the first time i got asked if i was seeing aaron. this girl, stephanie strickland, came up to me in the hall as i was bustling on my way to bio. she was one of those girls who called herself mrs. pitt and you suspected that she still had her my little pony set in her closet. occasionally taking them out and playing with them when mr. pitt didnt call.

'so are you and aaron going out?' she asked with such eagerness, as if it were her only means of living. 'nah, we're just friends,' i replied but in my head i finished it with 'for now.' stephanie looked crushed, 'well you guys should totally go out. you would look so good as a couple!' i raised my eyebrwo toward her, told her 'bye,' then headed towards my class.

Tanned With...


:: 2005 24 March :: 5.13pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: unmade bed - sonic youth

untitled for now
dear aaron,
by the time you read this i will already be on the interstate. i bet right now you are looking around the house and yes, its true, all of my stuff is gone. your letterman jacket is hanging in the hallway closet. the locket you gave me still dangles around my neck. i havent decided if i want to hock it or not. this is it baby. heres my final goodbye


i admit it: i have no idea what to do now that i've hit the interstate.

the exit to my parents house is coming up in twenty. honestly, id rather drive in to the atlantic then stay with them.

exit 37 is now in my rearview mirror.

sun was pouring through my windshield, blinding me. i pulled down my visor and to my surprise a picture of aaron and i tumbled on to my lap. picking it up, i glanced at it with a half bitter, half nostalgic smirk.

'gwendolyn sharp? what a name.'
aaron turned around and commented. the first words he ever said to me. burned on my brain forever.

actually, that first meeting is as branded in my memory like my name or phone number. it was the first day of senior year. he had been late to first period and the only seat left open just happened to be right infront of me.

i smiled and coyly asked, 'well, what is yours then?' by then the classroom, students, and the teacher still calling out roll simply faded away.

'aaron daniels.'
there was a pause.
'i think you win with the cooler name thing though.' and with that we chatted for the rest of the class.

hook, line, and sinker.
maybe it was his witty personality. perhaps his startling green eyes that clashed with his strawberry blonde hair. all i know is that he caught me.

1 White Bikini | Tanned With...


:: 2005 12 March :: 8.21pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: do you remember? - jack johnson

well what else is there to do? i wondered before i nodded yes to go with them to the shops. i changed out of my uniform and cleats that still gleamed in the victory and happiness. amazing how lately my happiness has been in bursts. short but full of vigor when they come. i piled into the truck with the others. i remember how i used to prop my elbow up against the door and dream as i watched the town roll past. now i noticed myself just blankly looking ahead. not looking into the future or into the past but just staring into the vast emptiness that lays before me. we arrived in the parking lot and i slowly leapt out from the high seat of the truck as the others were already huddled in a group at the end of the truck bed. i walked ahead of everyone else and made it to the median. i crossed the street and stood on the double parallel bright yellow lines lookin for the perfect opportunity to cross to the sidewalk. a cherokee came close to not stopping at all. i walked past the chattering folk as they dined and drank out at their posh restauraunt. i have a growing dislike for those with money to throw around. maybe its just the jealousy in me coming out. i walked past the people sitting on benches, sipping coffee, and idling past the cleverly set up store windows as the group followed behind. we made it to the toy store and i blankly as a robot walked around the store. i played a small tune on the mini harp and sighed wondering when we would be leaving. we leave there but then end up at another store. here we are in this shop reeking of delicious smells in every direction. i picked up a bottle and smelled the cap. cherry blossom sent me back to 1995. suddenly i remembered being up in new york for my uncle's wedding. i was sitting on a curb outside of a tuxedo shop with my cousin and uncle. amazing how smells can bring back such memories. i know of a certain boy i will remember when i smell the roaring spray of the ocean, the sweet scent of the summer night, and pink popsicles. the lights on in this shop are blinding. i can feel it's uplifting atmosphere clashing with the dark stormy cloud above my head. everyone in the store is cheery as my younger cousin holds up a soap bottle and stands insanely still infront of the window. they all laugh as customers and window shoppers notice him and laugh, remarking what a wonderful mannequin he is. i crack a smile but that is it. i now know how a jack o lantern feels after we scrape its guts and seeds out...hollow. we leave, the people working in the store cheerfully telling my cousin he did a great job being a mannequin. they all want ice cream but i want solitude. i get the key to the truck and make my way, by myself, to the parking lot. i pass a large fountain and look up at the round old fashioned lightbulbs that are strung across it. how crazy that those lightbulbs make me want to dance. how i'd love for someone to take me by the hand under those lightbulbs. beforehand, turning on a boombox sitting on a nearby bench. pushin the play button so that my funny valentine by frank sinatra comes pouring out of the speakers like wine pouring out of a chilled bottle. we then slow dance around the great fountain under the bulbs and stars. not even noticing the people staring as we glided over the bricks. blinking that daydream was gone and i was still solo walking past the fountain and those lights. i made it to the parking lot and sighed as i found the truck. i crept up into it, cranked the engine on and tinkered with the radio. not one good song came on as i watched the people leave and enter the nearby spots. none of them even noticing me but what's new. my peace is broken when everyone comes banging on the windows. they all get in and we head out of the parking lot. finding myself still staring at the desolate wasteland ahead of me.

1 White Bikini | Tanned With...


:: 2005 5 January :: 4.14pm
:: Mood: crushed and creative
:: Music: dear jamie...sincerly me - HELLOGOODBYE :D

wind gushed through the hefty old wooden doors as i stumbled in to the resturaunt.
as i wiped my wet hair out of my face i let out a sigh as i saw how busy it was.
i should of known better to come on lunch hour but perhaps it was the brutal storm or the growling in my stomach that had led me to the mad hatter cafe.

there was a 20 minute wait which led me to sit in the old beanbags that they had scattered next to this bookshelf full of books on how to make a bicycle out of cereal boxes to the history of the three stooges.
now i remembered why i came into this cafe; because i loved it. it was so laid back and everything was unique. to the odd abstract paintings on the wall or the funky colorful zigzag lights that adorned the ceiling.
finally my name was called and i was led to my table.

the worst table in the house to be exact. it was right by the kitchen and pretty much all you could hear was the simmering of food being cooked, the clang of dishes, and the cooks talking about last nights baseball game. it wasnt the best table in the place but i knew the food would compensate for it. the table itself was beaufiful; a mosaic of glass and glamorous movie stars from the 30s. i tried listenin to the funky blues music that they were playin and i caught a couple verses between the noise behind me then it was interrupted by my waiter.

boy, was i interrupted by my waiter. he was tall and had dark short messy hair and blue eyes that could break down walls. when he handed me the menu i dropped it and knocked down the salt and pepper ceramic shakers that were shaped like palm trees. he told me that i might want to throw some of the salt over my shoulder just incase. i smiled and looked down at my rained on self and told him that i must of spilled some salt this morning and must not of known it. he laughed and disappeared in to the kitchen for my drink. it may have been storming like there was no tomorrow outside but i was feeling like it had just become a bit more sunnier.

he brought out my tea and started to take my order. the thing is though that we just didnt talk about what i was ordering. in the minutes between him saying what will you be having today to him leavin to take other customer's orders; i had found out that he was working here part time when he wasnt in class learning how to be an architect, he lives in a few streets away from me, he is originally from oregon, and that he drives a 88 bronco with foglights on it. i told him how i was also in college learning about health and medicine instead of measures and angles and that i am a native in this rather quaint city. i was in the middle of telling him that i drove an ol 74 vw thing when i was interrupted by lady is a tramp by frank sinatra. i told him how i loved sinatra music and how my funny valentine was my absolute favorite. i blushed and he smiled then left the table to his other tables he had to tend to. i didnt want him to take my order; i wanted him to take my heart.

my lunch was brought out and we talked a bit more. i wished he wasnt working and was the one at the cafe who was sitting on the other side of the table having lunch with me. he left and left me wanting this lunch to never end. i ate my delicious lunch and thought about nothing but him. it was odd how i only knew him for a short time and already loved everything about him and felt like i knew him for eons. as i was eating, i noticed him smile at me as he walked to and from the kitchen. he came over and took my plates, handed me my bill while slightly frowning as he did so. at the mad hatter cafe, as a tradition a hersheys kiss is given always with the bills. i put it in the wet pocket of my pea green jacket as we talked after i payed the bill. he told me it was nice meeting you and to have a safe drive home. i left a tip and gathered up my still soaked purse. as i was walking to the front of the cafe i turned around and he cracked a smile. his intense blue eyes lighting a path to the door.

i pushed open the heavy woden doors to a still stormy world. i barely noticed rain coming down in buckets or the thunder and lightening. then i stepped out from under the awning. rain seeped through my still damp clothing from before and i started to run to my car. since it was so busy when i first arrived, i had to park all the way in the back so i had quite a long way to run. finally i arrived at my car and hopped in. rain soaked the seats as i fished around in my purse for my keys. i put the key in the ignition and thunder crashed when i realized that the car wouldnt start.

2 White Bikinis | Tanned With...


:: 2005 4 January :: 11.41am
:: Mood: w0o0o0ot w0ot
:: Music: slow motion -->

havnt updated in forever
kinda miss woohu.
it was good to me
new years is here..
i l o v e y o u

tha technique'll make y0oh sweat , but dont sweat the technique

5 White Bikinis | Tanned With...


:: 4 20 December :: 11.32am
:: Mood: thinkin
:: Music: californication - rhcp

we'll have halloween on christmas
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas but I will be sure to let you know when it starts feeling like Christmas. To me, Christmas is starting to lose it's luster. The holiday itself has become so overcome with the stress of holiday shopping and buying everyone that perfect present that it has left the true meaning of Christmas buried beneath a rubble of crumpled up wrapping paper, shimmering bows, and new gifts. The perfect gift for me would be something that you can't buy from a store. Those new gifts that were the reason for all of the holiday stress eventually become old, break, or end up in a free box at a garage sale. The gift I wish to receive cannot be wrapped up in a box, for that feeling of love and joy that I used to feel gush over my family cannot be wrapped up in bright red wrapping paper with various pictures of Santa Claus on it. To end this novel, all I'm saying is that I sometimes feel as if the Grinch should pay us all a visit to resurface the feeling of Christmas that I adore and miss so much.

1 White Bikini | Tanned With...


:: 2004 14 November :: 9.24am
:: Mood: allllllriiiight
:: Music: anywhere with you - saves the day

whata weekend
yesterday from 9:30 to 3:30 i did lacrosse
6 hours
twas fun
fell three times
grass burn is so not fun
hahahah got a foul for falling into this girl

didnt get to go to bull bash
next year :)

went to sleep around 8ish
woke up around 8ish
whoa baby thats 12 hours

i am le sore
i feel like an old lady hahaha

1 White Bikini | Tanned With...


:: 2004 5 November :: 6.28pm
:: Mood: chilled
:: Music: when the world ends - dmb

fallin into old familiar shoes that have walked this path before
at the end of the day, words of sweetness don't make up for feelings of sincerity.

Tanned With...


:: 2004 29 October :: 9.39pm
:: Mood: ok
:: Music: shimmy shimmy quarter turn - hellogoodbye

guess whos back? back again? guess whos back? tell a friend
break down
computer = broken = not turning on = me sad
using aunts old computer = crap = cant update

curly hair makes you feel unstoppable..err maybe thats just me haha

tonight is one of those nights where i just want to escape.
they are all drivin me up the walls

its the freakin weekend baby im about to have me some fun...

have a safe an' happy halloween


Tanned With...


:: 2004 18 October :: 8.01pm

I love you once
You loved me not
I loves you twice
But i forgot
You never loved me and
You never will but yet again
I love u still

3 White Bikinis | Tanned With...


:: 2004 18 October :: 7.21pm

hey, nice journal.
nice writing.
i wanted to know how you got the 93 days, 14 hours thing? just post me a comment back if you have the time.


2 White Bikinis | Tanned With...


:: 2004 12 October :: 10.46am

I hate people who like to lie and make me hate my best friend it aint gunna work!
-x0 bailey

Tanned With... | Random Journal