"Above all else guard your heart, for it is a wellspring of life." - Proverbs 4:23

 

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Patrick Ryan Kolstee

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goodbye

:: 2018 4 June :: 4.46pm

After I take care of the few commitments I made this week, I'm going to take a social break for a while. My last two weeks have been a little crazy. I am overwhelmed with love, confusion, irritation, and then whatever "idgaf" would be as a feeling - pertaining to plenty of individuals. Many highs with some lows, but overall, bona fide positivity is rushing through my soul. Good feels all around.

And now, for sleep. All the sleep. u.u zzz

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goodbye

:: 2018 30 May :: 6.30pm

My choices have been very stupid. I have no idea what to do with my life now.

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goodbye

:: 2018 19 May :: 10.43pm

It's a get-fucked-up kinda night.

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goodbye

:: 2018 16 March :: 2.38pm

If I stay with this momentum, I should be at goal weight by September's end.

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goodbye

:: 2018 15 March :: 11.59am

Processing all of this is going to take me a long time.

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goodbye

:: 2018 11 March :: 9.26pm

I always feel out of place. I never feel like I fit in. It doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with. I'm always wearing a mask. I can't be myself ever. One thing or another comes up that makes it clear that I was never really welcome at all.

And almost everyone I open myself up to, at some point, stops caring.

I'll never be okay.

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goodbye

:: 2018 11 March :: 12.49am

Loneliness should wear off... right? ...At some point?

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goodbye

:: 2018 2 March :: 11.00pm

Every time I hang out with him, I regret it. Every. Time.

Ugh.

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goodbye

:: 2018 2 March :: 8.24am

Anime was ruined for me by the community. So was rock/emo/pop punk music.

Why do people have to be such dicks?

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goodbye

:: 2018 23 February :: 10.17pm

I have fucking awesome friends.

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goodbye

:: 2018 18 February :: 11.21pm

I've been visiting my Grandmother with my Mom this week. She teaches me many new things and reminds me of many things I've learned before:

Be vigilant with patience. You can never be too patient around her.

It's okay to feel what you want to feel but don't be consumed by it. She has overcome so much in her life and I hope she can be happy about that. I'm certainly proud of her.

Be compassionate and kind above all else. Let the people you love let know you love them and love spending time with them.

I am lucky and blessed to still have my Grammie. I treasure the time I've gotten to spend with her on this trip and throughout my whole life. I am very thankful to bond with my Mother as well. It has been a wonderful time, one which I hope to remember forever.

Lately from them and from some other people in my life, I have been hearing alot of "I really enjoy being with you." And "I'm so happy you came." And other similar things. Initially I always feel surprised by it due to some negative experiences I've had where people have told me otherwise... but it is beginning to sink in that I am a good friend and person and I do make other peoples' lives better by expressing my care. I am warmed by this beautiful feeling of welcomeness and love. It helps me see that this world isn't such a dark place after all. Something I need to remember, especially before such a difficult day for me.

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goodbye

:: 2018 19 January :: 11.27pm

Syzlac
Moe! Moe! Moe!
How do you like me? How do you like me?
Moe! Moe! Moe!
Why don't you like me? Nobody likes me.

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goodbye

:: 2018 18 January :: 7.21pm

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goodbye

:: 2017 29 December :: 9.35am

Idgaf mothafucka.

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goodbye

:: 2017 20 December :: 12.44am

I don't need to be anything more than what I already am ♥

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goodbye

:: 2017 15 December :: 10.00am

I saw Star Wars last night. There are sooo many things I want to say but no one to talk to about it.

Without ruining it I'll say I enjoyed Adam Driver's acting most of all.

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goodbye

:: 2017 11 November :: 11.57am
:: Mood: defeated

Same as it ever was.

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goodbye

:: 2016 9 December :: 8.55am

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goodbye

:: 2016 8 December :: 6.20pm

It takes people time to learn what's right and wrong, to learn how to be a better person. For some, it takes longer than it does for others. That's what life is. It's a journey. It's you, being put in tons of different types of situations so you can grow and improve and change.

I'm resolving to accept this process. For most of my life I've heald a grudge. A grudge against this person or that person. A grudge against those who I perceived to have slighted me. A grudge against my past, my future, the whole world - the world that wronged me. I am ready to shake that grudge off. I am ready to let go of that deamon, hate, that has been eating me alive for all this time. I don't want to be angry anymore. I want to be happy. I don't want to harbor so much resentment, mostly for people who don't even think of me. I want to embrace the love I feel every day from those who show it. I want to hold onto the good in the world. I may not be the smartest person or the most beautiful person or the richest person or the best mannered person, but I am a great person. I am a good person. And I definitely have the best family in all the world. I have the best support system I could ever have - with a family willing to help me in any way possible every day and wonderful friends that warm me with their company and smiles and hugs everytime I see them. That is love. I know the truth in that love. I feel excited for the prospect of improving. I feel ready to accept this new, interesting challenge and greet it with a heart full of love. I welcome all the joy and laughter, singing and dancing, friendliness and opportunities this new outlook on life will have.

Quickly as a child I learned to be humble and gracious when accepting my achievements. It has taken me a very long time to feel as though I've accomplished anything. But I have. I have a great living space that I can afford by means of a very cool job at a world-impacting company. I have all the world resting at my feet and I cannot wait to see where it will take me :) i treasure this realization very deeply and hope it carries me to a realm of personal understanding and acceptance.

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goodbye

:: 2016 30 November :: 9.29pm

I'm an adult. And I can blow $1500 on a lappy if I want to.

Fuck yo' couch.

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goodbye

:: 2016 26 November :: 1.33pm

How are you supposed to meet new friends and enjoy new things when all you like to do is sit at home and binge watch Netflix and play old school video games?

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goodbye

:: 2016 21 November :: 7.07pm

God I love my friends. So so much. Kayla and Anna. Julez and Bill and Nathan. Jessica. Lizzie. Celeste. I just feel so blessed to have people in my life who love me and care about how I'm doing and ask me if I'm alright. This week of all weeks I can say how thankful I am for them.

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goodbye

:: 2016 18 November :: 7.22pm

Looking at graduate programs. Everything is so fucking expensive. And difficult to figure out.

I hate being an adult.

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goodbye

:: 2016 15 November :: 1.06am

So I've watched 2 episodes of Black Mirror. It seems to be from a nhialist point of view. Sick as fuck, but it doesn't really matter. Very interesting concept.

It's bringing up alot of negative emotions I had this summer. As did the end of the last series I watched. I don't really understand the point of my existence. Each day is not a new adventure, it's just going through the same motions. I'm stuck in an invisible cage. My human consciousness has made me aware that nothing matters and I'm living to die.

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goodbye

:: 2016 10 November :: 11.44am

I am so truly disheartened...
Sexism wins again. Faithless electors ruined this country 16 years ago and they've done it again. A mysoginist, bigoted idiot will always beat out the most qualified candidate if the latter is a female. Fuck Donald J. Trump. Fuck all of you who voted for him. Fuck an American society bread from fear and hate of the other and the "weak." Fuck a two-party system. Fuck 2016 and another 4 years (and likely 8) of this insanity. With party majority, all minority rights will be stripped, all social services will be taken away, a supreme court member will be chosen who will continue to rape the progress of this country, and myself, and all the women and girls, and non-white people, and non-Christians, and LGBTQ+, and liberals/socialists, and disabled, and everyone who is not rich will be royally marginalized even more-so than we were a week ago by a man who should never have ever been able to win. Revolution won't be possible with everyone's faces in their goddamn phones and on social media and at any rate, any sort of "civil" war would be lost because the right has all the guns.

If all hope wasn't lost already, it is now.

I'd like to say I'm stunned. I'd like to say I'm in shock and am experiencing disbelief... but I actually thought this was entirely possible. Did I expect it? Not really... part of me, I guess. Honestly, the people in power will never relinquish it and fear is all that will govern this country until it implodes - something far more likely to happen with this giant douche in control of the nuclear codes.

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goodbye

:: 2016 6 November :: 7.16am

At this stage, I don't even want to be informed anymore. I'm so tired of the hate and extremism and killing and terrorists and evangelicals and materialism and lying and assholes that I just never want to read or watch any "news" - or rather, people being dicks - ever again.

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goodbye

:: 2016 5 November :: 6.03pm

My life is pretty fucking great. What am I always complaining about?

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goodbye

:: 2016 4 November :: 10.00am

I always change my mind.

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goodbye

:: 2016 30 October :: 1.53pm

Couples costumes make me want to hurl.

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goodbye

:: 2016 27 October :: 4.28pm
:: Music: Last Days of April: Life Companion Murphy's Law

Adults never tell kids that the best time of their lives will be childhood.
I feel deceived.

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