"Above all else guard your heart, for it is a wellspring of life." - Proverbs 4:23

 

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goodbye

:: 2018 20 September :: 7.54pm

There's so much that I want to say but I think my brain doesn't work as well as it used to. I used to have passion and be poetic with my choice of words. I used to do alot of things better than I do now. At this point I'm grasping onto someone else... maybe someone I never was.

I have a bad habit of playing the victim, complaining, being pessimistic... among other things. This runs in my family. This is learned behavior. My brother, my parents, my grandmother even. Especially my grandmother. My heart aches for her because her whole life she has thought she was never good enough. Maybe her family really thought she wasn't... they certainly treated her that way. But she definitely was the black sheep even when she supported her family so much.

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I don't want to think everyone is out to get me. The truth is, people just don't think of me anymore. And that's not fucking bad, that's life. I'm 30 and I still feel like a 14 year old emotionally. It's gotten worse since I moved home, for obvious reasons - back in old environments put me back in that mindset. While I was on the west side I felt emotionally more mature but had major depressive episodes so wasn't much better.

I was doing so well in college. I was following my dreams. I was learning every day and relaxing the rest of the time. I finally had the chance to be someone I wanted to be without the pressures of home life or my then boyfriend. Without feeling societal pressures or pressures of my peers. I could walk everywhere I needed to go. I could enjoy nature and write prose on a whim. I could practice yoga and I was very healthy... like, apart from all the drinking...

And then he fucking ruined it. My thoughts about it consumed me. I thought I would die. I thought I wouldn't be able to have children. In a matter of a few lines, my whole healthy mindset that I had built up for the past year and several months, all the progress I had made, was gone. I spiraled.

I've been spiraling ever since. Even though it's gone, the feelings remain. Maybe you really did ruin my life.


It has been years since that happened. It has been fucking years. Other bad shit, worse shit has happened in that time. But that was the start of it. That was the beginning. I don't know how to get out of this hole. I can't escape anymore. I'm always here. I'm always stuck. Everyone says if they could go back, what would they do differently. I know. I know all those things. I also know that thinking about it doesn't do me any good... but like I said, I play the fucking victim so. Damn. Well.

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aaron

:: 2013 19 May :: 2.24pm

Shame murders progress.

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shalee

:: 2012 15 November :: 9.55pm

No feeling is final.

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aaron

:: 2012 7 May :: 1.33pm

I am addicted to that certainty in whose absence my selfishness is

naked.

In the first moments I was action. I moved, even though my certainty and knowledge had been shattered. From here, I can't see precisely what moved me. Some inexplicable sense that the next step, despite not mattering, was worth making.

But I've coasted to a halt. I sit motionless and restless. That is my selfishness. Though I have no certainty to speak of, it should be obvious what the next step is. [I]It's all out there[/I].

But then I stop. There are people, connections, responsibilities. Am I allowing myself to be especially possessed? Have I surrendered myself to be objectified? Does covenant imply objectification?

I am living in a paralyzing tension- on the one hand, the potential for absolute freedom. On the other, knowing how alone that freedom makes me.

Can I bind myself that way? Is there anything else to do?

_|_ If it looks something like that, then I have some writing to do.

It's funny that tripping over the answer gets me to ask the right question. My life would move along more quickly if I could do things the other way around.

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aaron

:: 2012 6 May :: 6.05pm
:: Music: The dog days are over

Sometimes I feel like the world is talking to me.

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aaron

:: 2012 1 April :: 10.12pm

I don't know anything.

What if I had it and I threw it away?

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aaron

:: 2012 20 February :: 2.28pm

Is it like this in everyone's head? Not writing this sentence might have been the first step in differntiating between what's in here and everything- everyone- else out there.

Am I an angry person?

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 28 November :: 4.38am

I am thinking too hard about this...
So I need to write an essay for PT school, well, two actually and I think I've been thinking too long and too hard about them... I just need to write.

Essay 1:
If you have applied to a physical therapy program in the past five years, what have you done to improve upon or enhance your application for this current admissions cycle?

When I finally decided I for sure wanted to become a physical therapist, I knew I would do whatever it took to make it happen. Even if that included moving across the country with nothing but the clothes from my closet and the little money I had in savings. I made a decision this drastic because I wanted to go about a different way of pursuing my dream. I figured if I moved to the city where I wanted to go to school, I could better understand what it would take for me to get there.
When I first got here, I knew my first order of business was to look for a job in my field, whether that be as a physical therapy tech or even as a receptionist in a physical therapy office somewhere. I just knew it was important for me to get my foot in the door. Thankfully, I got a job as a physical therapy tech at a small out patient clinic. Even though I'd volunteered and job shadowed before, being employed gave me a little more freedom. For example, I was allowed to guide patients through their exercises, instead of just having to watch the therapist. Working at this small clinic for only a few months really only gave me a tiny insight into the world of physical therapy. I left the clinic wanting to know about physical therapy and wanting to continue pursuing my ultimate dream, to become a physical therapist. I knew in order to do this, I had to get my name known throughout the network of clinics that were associated with the university I wanted to attend, which happens to be University of Pittsburgh.
I ended up taking a job as a physical therapy tech at one of the larger UMPC rehabilitation clinics. Since taking the job there back in February, I have broadened my horizons as a potential physical therapist by not only working with orthopedics, but also working with different specialties, such as sports, neurology, women's health, lymphodema and even helped a little with occupational therapy. During my employment at this clinic, I have been taking every opportunity I can to learn as much as I can, not only about being a physical therapist, but about how a practice in itself is run.
I look forward to continuing my journey to become a physical therapist. While some people may think my decision to move drastic and unnecessary, I think of it as another step towards my goal. Because of the move I made, I am more determined now than ever to keep going until I become a physical therapist. It is this determination that has improved me and enhanced me since the last time I applied to physical therapy schools two years ago.

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 6 November :: 5.12pm

We can't give up. Ever.

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 23 October :: 2.23pm

It's been
3 weeks... can't I just move on already? Why is this so damn hard?

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 21 October :: 4.34pm

You can become new again. All it takes is a little elbow grease. It may be an ugly process, you may get scars, you may get bruises, you may want to give up.

But the end result is truly worth it.

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 19 October :: 10.32pm

I am so tired of struggling alone.

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 15 October :: 4.47pm

I think it's a bad sign when saying good bye feels like a weight has been lifted.

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 13 October :: 7.48am

We're just going to let it be.

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 4 October :: 8.21am

It's always dangerous when someone tells you they love you.

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shalee

:: 2011 12 August :: 5.01pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: Radical Face

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay it's not the end.

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 9 August :: 8.14pm
:: Music: E.T. // Katy Perry

In one of my dreams, I told a man I would be his Princess Leia.


I have to forget all the jerks I've met and save myself for that man.

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shalee

:: 2011 6 August :: 11.29am
:: Mood: accepting

It's good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.

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shalee

:: 2011 1 August :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: complacent

"I am alone in the world, and yet not alone enough to make each hour holy. I am lowly in this world, and yet not lowly enough for me to be just a thing to you, dark and shrewd. I want my will and I want to go with my will as it moves toward action. And I want, in those silent, somehow faltering times, to be with someone who knows, or else alone. I want to reflect everything about you, and I never want to be too blind or too ancient to keep your profound wavering image with me. I want to unfold. I don't want to be folded anywhere, because there, where I'm folded, I am a lie."

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shalee

:: 2011 19 July :: 10.40pm
:: Mood: awake

If you have to ask, you will never know. If you know, you need only ask.

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shalee

:: 2011 17 July :: 10.22am
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Beck

It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch.

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shalee

:: 2011 11 July :: 4.44pm
:: Mood: exhausted

My heart is my own design.

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shalee

:: 2011 9 July :: 11.11pm

The hard of heart also have their sorrows.

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goodbye

:: 2011 25 June :: 7.05pm
:: Mood: love ♥

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shalee

:: 2011 25 June :: 2.20pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Bon Iver

The heart has its reasons that reason does not know.

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shalee

:: 2011 22 June :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: awake

Those who really love, love in silence.

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shalee

:: 2011 16 June :: 9.36pm
:: Music: Sondre Lerche

[Dan In Real Life]
"Because when you're out there and you're being tossed back and forth by those big dark waves, and you think that you'll never feel land again and that you could just split into a million pieces and just sink down all the way down into the deep... it's the light that keeps us on course; it's the light."

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shalee

:: 2011 31 May :: 9.19pm
:: Mood: contemplative

"I found myself thinking about you tonight on a walk under some makeshift constellations struggling through the light pollution of the city, fleeting thoughts coming and going like New England snowfalls. I want to bear my soul to you in the way that symphonies are written, so that at its completion, my story will have completely enveloped you like B minor at the predawn of a snow-covered day, and you'll realize that there is nothing more painfully right than the overlap of the lines on our palms and all the countless intersections of your eyes and mine."

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 26 March :: 8.07pm
:: Music: Amazing Grace

The moment you can finally love yourself, you are truly free.

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redefinedgrace

:: 2011 26 February :: 5.57pm
:: Music: Hold It Against Me - Brittney Spears

Are we content being in the cycle?

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