::
2024 24 January :: 12.18am
:: Mood: Sick to my stomach
I can't do this anymore. I can't be such an afterthought. I can't mean so little to the person who I should mean the most to. I don't understand your continued mistreatment amd disregard for me. I can't continue to justify this with your past trauma. You've had so many chances to correct it. A second trip to Japan where I'm not included after the damage it did last time; you continue to make choices that don't reflect any love for me. I'm heartbroken and you can't take it back. And I can't ignore it anymore. And as much as you have tried to make me believe otherwise over the years, I know, deep inside my soul that I deserve better than this.
I just don't know why I should keep on forgiving this stuff when the most minimal amount of foresight would have prevented it from happening.
You are literally killing me. I have heart pains from this. This is completely unsustainable. It's impossible being in this, with you. It doesn't matter if I enjoy your company when things are good or if I love you deeply, it is causing my limited time on this earth to be all the more limited due to the incredible stress you put me through every other day.
Why does no one want to marry me? Am I not good enough for it?
I shouldn't even be asking myself that question. I know I'm not good enough to be someone's wife. The men that I've been with have indicated that. The first, obviously. The second, pretty much there.
I have grown up in a society that has told me that that's all I'm good for. I've learned that I'm not even good enough for that. The little I must amount to...
I could settle and marry someone I don't love. I could be Cath. When will this flame of hope finally die inside me so that I can stop moving forward and resign to my fate to never get what I want in life? I hope it dies soon so that I can too.
::
2019 13 June :: 4.27pm
:: Music: The Best of Me - The Used
Most of the time I think of wonderful, exciting things to do, I just don't do them because I have no one to do them with. Concerts, movies, trips... I've missed out on so much shit. Then I try to do stuff alone and the enjoyment goes from possible 100 to like 12. It's just no fun by myself.
I don't know why I moved to this apartment. It's empty. It's lonely.
I thought he would be here with me. I craved more so I thought having a place to stay together would be beneficial after the cost of those hotel visits.
Now I find myself alone almost all the time. It's not easy. It does not help with motivation. My depression is sky high and I don't think I can fix it now. Not without him around.
It's Woodinville all over again only this time I can't just drive 10 minutes to see him.
You know that feeling when you realize you need someone just a little bit more than they need you?
Oh... hello, Depression. You snuck up on me this time. The endless abyss of meaninglessness. The void. That empty feeling you get when xxx blah blah blah words.
I don't like my job.
I've given it some time. I don't like my job.
It's just okay. It doesn't pay me what I think would be suitable to drive out there every weekday. Maybe if I had 1 more dollar an hour...
It doesn't really feel "beneath" me but I feel like I was lied to. They said it wasn't a call center. It basically is but with email, and I learned just today, some phone calls (usually if you're speaking to someone who is older who doesn't really get the point of email).
This company has acquired so many other companies in the past that their system is pretty screwy. There are tons of ways to get the information you want and they try and teach you all of them, rather than just teaching you the one, most efficient way. I get that some people might like to do things differently but if they just start at the job, surely the most efficient way is the better way for them to learn on?
My coworkers and bosses are dope and the environment is dope. Everyone has been super welcoming and they feed us all the time and do fun events like picnics and water balloon fights and egg races... But they don't like marijuana at all as they're not based in Washington. They drug test more than once and it's not a good idea to talk about with coworkers. That's something I don't want to jive with.
I probably could stay there for a long time. I probably could stay there the rest of my life and I'd earn enough to live in the Spokane area. But I don't want to. Because it feels pretty soul-sucking... They lied about it not really being sales too. I am doing support but if there are opportunities, we should be up selling. There are competitions to up sell. I don't believe in the work. There's nothing positive or helpful about my job other than I make people more money. I don't feel fulfilled.
They also do charities. Yesterday was my best day at work so far because a pet rescue was there and they had doggies and kitties. And after 30 years I finally have figured out my dream job - rescuing and rehabilitating dogs. Can I do that? I doubt it. There's prob not enough money in it to live on. I'm going to try to look it up though. See what kind of non-profit funding I can find.
So anyways, I am going to start looking for something else. But the only thing that's bad about a full-time job is that you don't have any energy to do things like looking for a different job in your off time.
When you're young, you find all these people to do things with. Your parents might set you up on play dates. Eventually school leads to more friends and you are able to get along and live your life with others.
At some point you realize all those people hate you or worse, don't think about you what-so-ever.
Sometimes I think about what would happen if I died unnaturally... If I was attacked and murdered or if I committed suicide. I think about how those people might think of me, at least for a little bit. But then I remember that they wouldn't be thinking fondly of me. They would either pity me or they would use my death to impress others. "Oh woe is me, my 'friend' is dead. Please give me attention." Then in a few days when that attention has run out, they'd go right back to forgetting I existed.
I have been forgotten maybe 5 times by this group of people that I see every week. 5 times that I know about anyways - there are probably far more.
Then all those other people I was thinking might be my friends are really only acquaintances... friends of 'friends'... or 'friends' I had when I was in high school. People who continue not to think of me.
I think about the people I've called my friends before. I constantly think about them. I wonder how they are doing. Sometimes I'll ask them. When I do, they give me short answers and don't ask me any questions. Or, I assume they don't want to hear from me because they haven't said hello to me in the last 5 years.
It's not other people's jobs to reach out. It should be mine. If I want to see someone, I should reach out. I did that for a long time. I was the only person who contacted the people in my life for months and months. And then I stopped. I stopped being the only one to work for it. And you know what? No one messaged me. No one texted. No one called. No one attempted to contact me in any way. Except for 1 person...
There are maybe 7 people I would say that have reciprocated anything with me in the last few years. 1 of those people manipulates me and makes me feel bad to no end. 1 of those people only ever talks about herself and has used every opportunity to make every event we've ever had together about her. 1 of those people has stopped talking to me full-stop for no reason I have caused (and people say no reason when they don't know but I know that it's no reason because the last couple convos we've had have been just fine). 2 of those people have not hung out with me unless I have initiated it but they sometimes will text me and of course will hang out with others. 1 of those people has severe social anxiety so we barely hang out. I don't blame her for this because she can't help it and she has always tried to check in with me.
And James is the 1 person who has consistently tried to actively be in my life... out of any of my friends. The only one who has called or texted or made plans with me on a consistent basis.
We're old now. It's harder to be friends with people because we don't see them every day at school. People have things that stop them from spending time with you like children or work or distance. I hate feeling like the victim of circumstances that are no one else's responsibility.
But when we collectively talk about plans as a group and you're the only one who isn't invited on a day that was not planned, intentional or not, it fucking sucks.
I have my parents here. I have my boyfriend there. I have my brother there. Anywhere I am, I will miss someone. Anywhere I choose, I'll be lonely.
I deactivated Facebook and Messenger again. Whenever I used Facebook, I constantly compared myself to others - the stages they were in in their lives. I think it contributed to my depression. I wanted to be married and having children and buying a home and starting a career like everyone else was. Social media clearly negatively impacts many individuals and I don't want to be party to that anymore.
I got that job. I have a week of freedom left and I'll be working in Liberty Lake. It's a long commute but oh well. I don't know how I'll like it. I'm not too optimistic but at least it's something. This will help me save up a little as I don't plan on moving out anytime soon if I can help it.
Things are just meh. I enjoy my time I spend with him and apart from that I just kind of float. I hope I have a good time at that wedding tomorrow night.
A few weeks ago James took me to Disneyland and Universal Studios. I got picked for the wand ceremony at Harry Potter World. I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful trip. Everything about it was perfect.
I'm back now. I went to Kirkland then came home again. Now I'm bored. I've been looking for a job for ages. Nothing really suits me here. All that vacation wonder is gone and all I want is to get out... Get out of regular, boring life... Do something exciting. I have an interview in 2 weeks. What the hell do I do with my time? I'm tired of going through boxes.
