"Above all else guard your heart, for it is a wellspring of life." - Proverbs 4:23


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Patrick Ryan Kolstee

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:: 2011 16 June :: 9.36pm
:: Music: Sondre Lerche

[Dan In Real Life]
"Because when you're out there and you're being tossed back and forth by those big dark waves, and you think that you'll never feel land again and that you could just split into a million pieces and just sink down all the way down into the deep... it's the light that keeps us on course; it's the light."

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:: 2011 31 May :: 9.19pm
:: Mood: contemplative

"I found myself thinking about you tonight on a walk under some makeshift constellations struggling through the light pollution of the city, fleeting thoughts coming and going like New England snowfalls. I want to bear my soul to you in the way that symphonies are written, so that at its completion, my story will have completely enveloped you like B minor at the predawn of a snow-covered day, and you'll realize that there is nothing more painfully right than the overlap of the lines on our palms and all the countless intersections of your eyes and mine."

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:: 2011 26 March :: 8.07pm
:: Music: Amazing Grace

The moment you can finally love yourself, you are truly free.

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:: 2011 26 February :: 5.57pm
:: Music: Hold It Against Me - Brittney Spears

Are we content being in the cycle?

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:: 2011 18 February :: 9.44pm


I forgot about this place...

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:: 2011 17 February :: 4.28pm

What does it mean to be an individual?

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:: 2011 12 January :: 6.54pm

It's time for an adventure.

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:: 2010 8 December :: 9.42pm

Goddamn it I could just burn this whole journal and tell you my life is beautiful and maybe that would make some sense.

The beauty in the world I chase so hard chases back.

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:: 2010 8 December :: 9.33pm

The funny thing is, whether it was learning an indigenous language on a mountain thousands of miles, or here at my desk writing philosophy, or napping with her on the couch...

now I'm just lost in the music. Haha, look at me go. Here we go?

Don't suppose I'm as crude of an instrument as I look, there's something very elegant going on here. We may be social dinosaurs, and maybe you don't believe in these sorts of dinosaurs, but I like to think they existed. If they didn't, then this isn't old fashioned, it's revolutionary.

On second thought, it's a revolution anyway. In my private little world, it's a revolution. I imagine it would be in yours, too.

Be balanced, but not compromised. Of course of course of course live this fiercely. Dive in.

And if the music is what makes the feeling, there's always people making more music.

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:: 2010 8 December :: 9.30pm

I have existed twice and all at once.

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:: 2010 29 September :: 6.06pm
:: Music: ratatat



desert eagle and coffee.

folding and unfolding. something like origami flowers. can\\

sleeping in peace, sleeping cause you can't drown and feel this good.


buhshickshicka. noisy drum noises.

There was a moment, 7 years ago, just like this, where something began.

See them? At first I thought it was snowing. Now I see it never mattered how scared I was, how small I was, or how hard the Leviathan fought to keep me back.

Like the Mobius strip, life only appears to go in a straight line if you're in it.

There was a moment 7 years ago. I could never have known how beautiful this is.

I can't tell you the future, and I can't decide who anyone else is. I'm sometimes not sure I can even know who anyone else is.

But I know who I am, and I can choose who I am, and if that has anything to do with the future, I can choose some piece of that, too.

A little girl pushes on the oar.
Grandpa pushes too. And that's how miracles happen.

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:: 2010 19 September :: 6.00pm

My life is beautiful.

The dichotomy here is that I'm inclined to say something I know isn't true. So let's call it a feeling, not a thought


They can call me pretentious, I don't really mind. The meek and meager inherit the Earth, and the bold and reckless inherit the sky.

Mostly just love so powerful that when strikes me I could forget my own name. And finally a world of people who know what that means.

Oh, for the record: I really love that girl.

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:: 2010 14 September :: 1.05am

Every shadow, no matter how deep, is threatened by morning light.

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:: 2009 8 December :: 9.22pm

I feel good. Rough around the edges, but things are changing. Maybe it's thinking back to the things that mattered before this weird fog. Maybe it's the major key playing in the stereo.

Most people get out- I know that I need to break out and shine anyway.

I'm carrying this belief that if I go, I'll fuck it up- that the new people won't like me, that I won't succeed in the new place.

All of that is juvenile- this place started as passion and a way with words. All the pretentious anti-personal anti-poetry came later.

My roots as a person are the things that I can't make sense out of.

Maybe I should let myself acknowledge how foreign all of the rest is to me right now.

I can't breathe, but there's a big smile on my face anyway.

"But the oranges just sit there and never ripen!"

"Stalinist fruit."

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:: 2009 8 December :: 9.19pm

"This is what I'm learning from this trip; I need friends, true friends, talk deeply, laugh deeply friends. And I need self-control. I need to not get away from myself or my best intentions. And I need to really live, really connect, really be human. Really.

I need to love, really. That's important. I need to be as human as I can without being human at everyone else's expense."

June 21st, 2009

How do people loose sight of moments like these?

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:: 2009 7 October :: 11.45am

Those are the things that stun me.

Life has so much continuity, it gives me goose bumps.

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:: 2009 17 September :: 3.56pm

I was there. I took the step, I bridged the gap.

I'm still afraid, and I'm still dodging my best intentions, letting myself get away from myself.

I know who I am. He's not just coming into view, but exploding into Technicolor.

This is without system or method- I know that's hard for people to understand. Everyone feels abandoned by me, but it's not abandonment. It's just a newer (older?) me.

And this is deep. A lot deeper than anything I've ever experienced. Quiet, calm, almost still- but the vibrancy is undeniable and inescapable. I've always been afraid I would lose it, but I think it's been chasing me all along.

He's there, but he's very different than I expected. I expected either loud or quiet, fun or solemn. I expected him to fit.

And it's ironic. What I realized was how bad I need people, and what I did was ignore all of them.

I feel awful- but it's just begun.

And she's right, haahaha. She's got us pegged. I wonder if they all accept that better than I realized? They don't protest.

I never knew as much as I thought. But this is freedom, and I like it a little better.

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:: 2009 27 June :: 6.01pm

On following God's will...
"This process makes me think of a cross-country runner. Getting to the point where it's enjoyable to run requires the runner to work and do things that may not be easy. But when the runner is in great shape, it is a true joy to run. Likewise, once we start down the path of doing the work God calls us to do, we find great joy in doing it."

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:: 2009 21 June :: 8.47pm

I sometimes wish responsibility didn't exist.

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:: 2009 6 June :: 8.19pm

Even though we all drifted apart, we're still connected.
Connected through this place, it brought us together and tore us apart and brought us together again.

Funny how that works.

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:: 2009 20 May :: 4.49pm

Why are we still here?

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:: 2009 7 May :: 9.57pm

Baby I've been here before,
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
it's a cold
and it's a broken


I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you.
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the lord of song
with nothing on my tongue

but hallelujah.

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:: 2009 16 April :: 2.28pm

I thought it was going to end better than this.

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:: 2009 1 April :: 10.18pm

I remember that beach. Dinner on the porch, everyone dressed well. The heat lamps and laughter and the unity of awe over the sunset on the water. The feel, the vibrancy, the laughter, and closeness in the air.

Like the square, with the fountains and all the prayer.

It's everything this cold, empty, loneliness isn't.

I guess I know how much it meant to me. Such a small thing, but now that it's gone, I feel like I've lost the whole world.

I love you, man. Never doubt that. And I'm on your side, when it does come to sides. And really, so is he, even if that doesn't mean a thing to you.

Still my friend...but not the same. It changes nothing, but everything's different.

I don't get it either, I just wish things were the way they were. I wish we were eating dinner on that beach. I wish we were in that square, arms locked. I pray that tonight, as I sleep, those memories will pass through my mind a hundred times. I love those memories.

I have regrets. I can't deny that. I've treated you like shit, and I turned a shoulder when you needed me the most. I see that now. But I never turned my back, and it couldn't have been that way forever. Things move on, people grow up, and maybe that's what this is all about. Or maybe it's about being young.

I know how this will end, I guess. One of two ways, and either is fine because it's your choice. But I'm a liar and a false friend if I tell you I'm not scared.

My God,
You know it's true; I am so scared.

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:: 2009 23 March :: 6.15pm

I think I'm finally beginning to understand...

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:: 2009 22 January :: 10.38pm

Sometimes I'm made of clay, and sometimes steel. I'm either waiting for the hands to mold me, create me, and put me through fire or I'm cold and still, isolated. I know I should always be clay, but I always want to be steel. Nonetheless, sometimes I'm made of clay, and sometimes steel.

I just want to know if there's such thing as a should.

I feel like there is, in the deepest corners of my soul. But my brain tells me other wise.

I can't help but feel that my brain tells me wrong. I can't be both steel and clay, but I have to.

I want to. I want to be that nobody that is everything and knows everyone, but is still nobody.

That's the kind of person I want to be.

But I'm not.

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:: 2008 12 December :: 11.08am

I found my computer, I aced my History final, all my grades are being submitted today, I'm going to eat pho in two hours.

But I still don't know if I'm accepted to Whitworth for (potentially) six more hours. I might shit myself.

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:: 2008 18 November :: 7.43pm

You boys be stupid.

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:: 2008 11 November :: 2.20pm

Happy 5 year birthday old journal.

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:: 2008 31 October :: 12.18am

And so she limps back into port.

Why the hell am I not doing my homework?

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