:: 2005 12 May :: 11.15 pm

so here i am again back where i was months ago and all of the progress i have made is nothing.. im alone and i have nobody.. nobody who cares about me im worthless and pointless and deserve no place on this earth all that i have is my pot and my poetry.. its the only thing thats always there for me.. i mean i know this is all stupid talk but even if it is stupid its how i feel and i cant lie about how i feel.. everything sucks EVERYTHING

the only people i really feel care about me are jimmi, dana, kelsey, steph and i dont know how sarah and anna feel about me ive prolly fucked up all that shit like i fuck up everything else.. i mean i know lizzy doesnt care i was easy enough to replace..

i dont see why im not some bad person who deserves this.. ive tried so hard to make sure that i wasnt mean to anyone who didnt deserve it.. why are ppl so heartless why does no one care about how i feel why.. why does it not matter.. why do i not matter why?

what the fuck is so terribly wrong with me

its all my fault huh everyones blaming all this shit on me like i did something wrong because i said what everyone was dying to say.. but whatever im the fucking bad guy..

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 11 May :: 9.18 pm
:: Music: summer of love x jefferson airplane

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 8 May :: 2.54 pm
:: Music: the grateful dead x they love each other

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 5 May :: 2.40 pm

i like tweaked out yesterday..

i felt so alone.. like i really dont know who my friends are..
and i miss lizzy.. i miss having a best friend like her..
and shes perfectly happy without me..
i feel like im not important to anyone..

i walked by myself in tears.. feeling completely alone..

i hate it.. i hate me..

3 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 4 May :: 7.09 am

im really starting to hate natick.. and hate school.. like im completely irritated by most people.. i just wanna be out of school.. i wanna get a job, earn some money get my own place, have my own car i want to get out of my house..

gr..

i havent been depressed lately, which is why i havent been writing much.. i appoligize

im kinda afraid of happiness.. cuz i lose my talent for writing when i cant feed from pain..

hum.. more later

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 2 May :: 9.03 pm

im getting to like this feelingggggg...

yummy

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 30 April :: 11.18 am

dude im getting slick... lol

i ran downstairs turned off the alarm and escaped last night lol my dad didnt even hear danas squeakyyyy breaks

well im really tired i didnt get to bed til like 3..

bah

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 29 April :: 9.37 pm

Pimpin In 1869: You're a lover, not a fighter. Alas, your possessive nature can make you seem a bit combative in social settings. Remember, your partner is with you for a reason. No need to be jealous

^ reminds me of me.. haha im no fighter

hm i decided to write a story so here goes nothing..


i wander down the hallways of this ratty old school, the musty smell permeates in my nostrils and i am reminded it will all soon be over. I glance across the hall to see a few freshmen. It amazes me how I could have ever filled their shoes. As ive seen the many different “types” of kids flow through this school, they seem to get sluttier and sluttier as the years fly by. I remember walking into this school like I owned it. We all thought we were gods gift, when we were rudely awoken.
We dressed how we wanted, and lived how we saw fit. You see, there were 4 major groups; Preps, stoners, straight edged weirdos, and just plain queer antisocial kids. I of course, fell into the pothead category. We listened to the music which altered America, smoked the best bud cheap, and were envied by all. I guess you could say people wanted to be us. But mostly they just wanted to live the life, not giving a fuck and feeling fine about it.
I continued to pace down the hallway keeping my focus on each ceramic square. I kept a slight grin on my face, as I looked at all of the people. I looked into their eyes and saw fear, pain and naivity. They were so young, and so unexpecting.


^ gr ill finish later i cant keep my mind straight..

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 28 April :: 9.53 pm

i dont know what there is for me to say..

im finally going back to school tomorrow.. im gonna have so much work to make up.. grr...

well idk.. i love how i feel.. and how i feel is wonderful.. i could just feel it every day.. every second.. and it wouldnt be enough..
its just enough, but not enough..

i decided not to deal with all that bullshit anymore.. with the help of ryan molloy my best friend ever.. i love you and you helped me to see that all this shit isnt worth stressing over.. even when life gets bad "its all good" <3 i love youuuuuuuuu

hum what else is there? who knows i cant think right now
my mind is drifting..

<3 Manda

2 Xx.Will.Be.My.xXxX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 28 April :: 2.09 am

And baby, I can't hold it much longer
Now it's getting stronger and stronger
And when I get that feeling
I need a sexual healing, sexual healing
And makes me feel so fine
And helps to release the mind
Sexual healing, is good for me
Sexual healing is something that's very good for me

Whenever these blue teardrops are falling
Oh no - and my emotional stability is leaving me
There is something I can do
Oh- I can get on the telephone and call you up baby
Darling, I know you'll be there to relieve me
The love you give to me will free me
And if you don't know the things you're dealing
Oh- I can tell you darling, oh it's sexual healing
Get up, Get up, Get up, Get up
Let's make love tonight
Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, Wake up
'Cause you do it right

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 25 April :: 11.59 pm

I wanted more
Than life could ever grant me
Bored by the chore
Of saving face

Today is the greatest
Day I've never known
Can't wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I'll tear my heart out
Before I get out

Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
I tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings

Today is
Today is
Today is
The greatest day

I want to turn you on
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 25 April :: 2.56 pm

if you have a problem with what i write in here.. dont read it.. its as simple as that!

humm.. so im definitly sick of this town and all of the gay tough guy kids in it.. they think theyre so tough they think that fighting makes them fucking cool.. they think that anything they do now is gonna matter.. they think that by fighting someone it gives them a better name or some shit.. but nobody will remember any of this in the long run.. none of it..

so.. idk what the deal is.. i guess its back where we started and thats not a bad thing because i like the way it is.. nothing serious.. nobody gets hurt.. its fool proof

shes ruining everything for me.. i feel so crazy and not me.. i mean this isnt me.. this isnt how i want things to be.. i just wish that she would dissapear..

and kim if i wanted to fucking talk shit about you.. id do it openly so shut up...

im walking down the street
in my black stillettos
looking for my next victim
to be my slave
this high is catching up to me
in the heat
the summer sun has already
stolen me
i will fly higher
i will start the fire
i will i will come to you..

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 24 April :: 9.51 pm

im so sick of her.. i just wish that she would go away cuz then i wouldnt have to worry.. i wouldnt be on edge.. i woudlnt be so crazy..

my grandpa died today.. it was pretty bad..
idk what to write

im quite confused

Pimpin In 1869: A superficial attraction is still an attraction -- and quite strong at that

^ good qoute

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 22 April :: 1.35 pm

mmmmmmmmm great night :-)

thank you guys for a great bdayyyyyyyyy <33

lets see a ton of ppl came.. sarah steph anna goncha krissy lizzy kelsey katie dana jimmi alex scott tony jessy sarah amanda and ryan and scotty

everybody left around 10 but dana and jimmi stayed till around 12:30 and sarah lizzy and anna slept over.. haha jimmi and lizzy passed out at like 11 and sarah and anna fell asleep upstairs lol they were party poopers haha but dana and i stayed up like cool cats..;-)

mmmm i need sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 21 April :: 10.17 am

sooo jimmi woke me up with the first happy birthday at 7:30!! ahh i was half asleep but it made me happy :-)


ViaConDios307: happy b day

miDGeT8149: happy birthdayyyy

Kocis350: happy bday
Kocis350: its earth day too


KrazEEace 2: happy birthday manda

QteeKate88: HAPPY MOTHER FUCKING BIRTHDAY!

kels7216: HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Pimpin In 1869: happy birthday.. find me.. you know

pSyChOpAtHiC366: HAYYP BIRTHDAY BABY!!!

JoeBoxerJC: happy b day nijjy

EmmyD89: HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!

cait 3190: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MANDA:-D

C Will1489: happy birth day

LiLBaBiK32: aw happy birthday!

ToR2189: Happy birthday!!!:-)

Squishlover22: hey i hope you got my messages i left online.. i didnt get a chance to call im tharrrry :-( i hope your sixteenth b day was goood :-) love you!

scoobystoner420: happy b-day

BlueEyedSliver8: happy late b-day

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 19 April :: 2.53 pm

Well I'm not asking to be loved or be forgiven
Hey I just can't shaken in this bedroom
One more night alone

-

And I couldn't care less about what you want to say
And I wish that it wasn't just me

Oh I don't think I'm better or kinder of heart, I'm as guilty as I can be
But every chance I get to put a smile on someone's face I will take it, believe me

--

In case you're wondering
I'm still on your side

As she embraces all of me
I want her only to need me
It doesn't matter what I tell her because she changes
Her mind before she speaks
And tends to talk before she thinks
But how I love her

I know there's truth for you somewhere
If I were wise I'd take you there
But I'm not, at least not yet
So I'll be watching you instead
In your room, in your room

In your room
I can wander around forever
And I recognize the color of the walls that we painted
In your chair
That I broke because I was careless
I can sit and watch you dance around
My words are spoken
I am on your side

-

I feel you and you feel me as I feel you
It's good, it's scary
The speed, the heat, it's deep, and steep
It's light but hard to carry

Listen when I'm silent there's a
Sound that only you can hear
Listen when it's quiet I know
You can hear it, cover up your ears
Cover up your ears

-

When you like music more than life, something's wrong
When you start sleeping as you drive, something's wrong
When you're favorite drink is thinner, something's wrong
When you're proud to be a sinner

-

As you're living through another year
Oh, what a waste of time it is
To indulge inside of bliss
Getting ready for another year like this
Another year to lie
Another year goes by
You're not sick, so you can't heal
But I wonder do you feel
The need to cry: 'I'm out of here'
Oh, your goal is safe
But is it all you crave

Is it me who cannot see
The face of mediocrity
I try to smile you see
Your lightness darkens me
Filter all of your emotions.
Fake you're never low
Or face the one you fear

-


Don't call me sinner
Don't call me nerd
Don't call me chaotic
Because you heard

I have strange feelings
I have weird thoughts
But don't call me an artist
Because I'm not

I am an animal, a saint
A grown up child without a name
I am a black man, I am gay
I say we're basically the same
Don't label me

I'm not a colour
I'm not a sex
I'm not a partner
I'm not an ex

Don't call me nigger
Don't call me queer
Don't call me retarded
Although I am

I am an animal, a saint
A grown up child without a name
I am a black man, I am gay
I say we're basically the same

Don't label, don't you see
A wooden table is actually a tree

Which is basically the same
Which is basically the same
Which is basically the same as you as me

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 19 April :: 1.27 pm

BlckTangldHrt35x: throughout our entire relationship, ive always felt.. less important than the guy who was in the room. because when theres a guy im invisble which i guess is selfish. but i know that i wouldnt do that. and if i ever have itd probably have happend with dana, and you never once told me it bothered you, as i have. i also told you that
BlckTangldHrt35x: i didnt want to be the cause of you having to change plans with cj or anything because id feel even worse making you plan around me. i just also didnt want to have to win the attention of my friend. you can look at it your way and think that im being selfish and have no right to be sad, but if thats what you think then i guess i really dont care anymore.. or you can look at it through my eyes and see that what im seeing.. see that i dont wanna be second best, see that maybe im jealous.. and see that maybe i dont want to have to be around two couples who cant keep their hands off eachother..
BlckTangldHrt35x: so maybe im jealous.. maybe thats wrong of me.. but maybe you could see that im depressed and it doesnt help.. it doesnt mean that you have to plan around me it just means that maybe once in a while you didnt have to be sucking face with cj in front of me is that too much to ask? is it? its not that i dont want you to be happy.. its just a thought of mine.. in order to be happy do you have to be sucking face every second? is that what happiness is to you?

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 17 April :: 11.27 pm

something fucked i wrote!!!! read!

Evils Last Breath

I had only known nick or Andrews, as his "followers" would call him, for about two weeks when it all happened. He aproached me at the corner of the local hangout, the cross between the intoxicated reality, and my own views. Groups of tainted youths congragated to bask in the beauty of marijuana. An escape, a release, maybe even to consume time. whatever the reason, in this town, there always was one. Andrews had been eyeing me out for the past couple of interactions. i could see it in his eyes that there was something he wanted, some sort of impure intentions. deep down i couldnt say i denied feeling the same, but there was something in the peirce of his stare that sent chills down my spine and an unsettling kurtle in my stomache. This instance was slightly different, i found myself entertained by his dangerous games. I liked the feeling of his warmth in the middle of winter. i liked the way he looked at me, the way i could feel his eyes trace my body, along my supple breasts, down to my navy blue flipflops, or black stillettos, whichever i had happened to have chosen that day. as the heat began to rise, and the smoke engulfed the room, i found myself intoxicated. My new toy was Nick Andrews, and i was the bait for his biggest scheme. In his black mustang, we sped like an arcade game down the winding streets of Berham, each turn hugging the curb. Our destination was an open house, i had been to parties before, but parties with my friends not ones that Nick brings his most recent bait to. i stepped into the stifled room and noted the sparatic beer kegs placed about the room. each persons eyes scanned the room like an airforce radar would an enemy. I had remembered seeing Amber, and Teri somewhere huttled near the doorway, sparking a joint. i wandered aimlessly through the house which was packed wall to wall. After smoking a few joints with them, Andrews came to carry me away, as if i was a princess. i scurried away with him, my toy, to the last vacant room in the house. we sat on the desheveled bed, which looked like it had been used recently. as he began to inch closer to me, a million thoughts spiraled through my head. his strong, captivating lips carressed my cheek, and his powerful hands slid down my pants, and into my silk black thong. Before either of us got riled up, i quickly reminded him to get a condom. he swore under his breath and left the room breifly, frantically searching for the antibaby material. He rentered the room with a condom in an electric green wrapper, and a red plastic cup filled with only god knows what. he handed me the cup and told me "Youll be in a whole new world any minute." my lips quivered as i chugged the mystery liquid. Andrews slowly pressed against me, so as to show me what i had done. i felt his hard cock against me, and once again a surge of thoughts were spewed. for a split second i happy, and wanted, thats when i began my ever increasingly fast downfall. my hearing was the first to be affected. the mumbling of the party which i had heard before was now gone, and i could no longer hear Nick's dirty fantasies being whispered into my ears. Next went my sight. the room began to swirl, i was distracted by the glow of Nicks cigarrette as he continued to rub my breasts, now so forcefully. as the room began to fade, i noticed a sudden demonic glow come about Nick. the kurtling feeling in the pitt of my stomache began, and i no longer felt i had control of my actions. I woke up and i was lying on a couch, in a dirty house, which reaked of beer. bodies were passed out on each square inch of the house. i stumbled across the dark room, still seeing double. i made my way carefully to the bathroon which enveloped the stench of puke. i hunched over the toilet and gagged, wanting to rid myself of what i had swallowed. i tried to remember if i had taken any pills, or drank anything too strong. suddenly i remembed Nick's distict words. "Youll be in a whole new world any minute.." The obvious sorce of this false insanity was in the red plastic cup Nick had coerced me into drinking. i felt around the wall to find the light switch. a dim buzzing light flickered on and i stared at myself in the mirror. what was i? i felt like a ghost, like a demon, empty of any emotions. my face was swirling in the mirror and i felt as if i wasnt alone. these drugs, whatever i had been given had surged some sort of uneasyness in me. i was jumpy, irritable and trembling due to my constant thought. i cornerd myself in the bathroom, locked the door, and flicked off the already dying light. rummeging through the cabinets, i violently threw pills, bandaids and soaps in a tornado in the room. i felt as if the walls were closing in on me. i noticed a shining slice of silver on the sink, it was a small shaving razor which had fallen loose when thrown in my fit of rage. i coudlnt tell whether it was the drugs, or the alcohol which caused my bouts of anger but i didnt know how to deal with it. i sat myself in the corner of the bathroom, and slowly dragged the blade across my flacid pale arm. Repeatidly i ripped away the skin on my wrist. the blood began to pour. i stared at what i hated in the mirror, what was used by Nick, what was niave and vulnerable enough to get drugged up. my arms began flailing as my nails gouged away at my pristine features. The blood was more unbearable than anyone could fathom, my sight now faded out again. the echoes of my thoughts were all the was heard. My body lay propped against a wall, drenched in blood. After sitting several hours lifelss, a drunken slut stumbled into the bathroom to find my body, mutilated and cold. Her blood kurtling scream awoke the rest of the house, with the exception of a few poisoned partyers. The stench of death permeated the house, and it was quickly evacuated. i hoverd above the room and watched as people cried with fear, and some even lauged with amusement. They couldnt do much else, they were under the influence. My body was suddenly lifted, Nick had carried me onto the porch. I watched as he prepped his car for a second ride in his mustang, only this time i would be riding in the trunk. At this point neighbors had notified the police about the screaming and underaged drinking. Cop sirens could be heard in the distance, which frightened Nick. As he sped up he failed to show any sign of incomposure. He seemed ready, he seemed experienced, which lead me to believe i wasnt his first. Nicks car absorbed each bump, and my flacid body was tossed around the trunk violently. as Nicks car strained up the hill he sighed with releif as he could see the bridge up ahead. just as he began to think he was in the clear, he spotted the blue flashing lights, creeping over the crest of the hill. Fear stricken Nick sped up, this car hit a patch of ice and nick and my dead body were thrown. The car veered to the right, and straight through the gaurdrails of the rickedy wooden bridge, chosen as the route of escape. Nicks car slowly sank to depths of the river, each window filling up fatally every second. the police screeched on their breaks and flew out of their cars, flashlights in hand. the beams of light hit Nicks fading face, and watched his last moments of life. His hearing was the first to go, the muffled screams of the police were the last he heard. Next was breath, and lastly his sight. Nicks guilty eyes saw the last of me, as we rotted slowly in the bottom of the river. Lights flashing, water rushing, the world spinning, he watched it all.. as it faded into the black of his heart.

1 Xx.Will.Be.My.xX | xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 14 April :: 11.32 pm

and you know that i want ya
and you know that i need ya
is that any way to be?
just have your way with me..

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

xX.Inspiration.Xx

:: 2005 14 April :: 6.25 am

my birthdays in 8 days!!! ahhhhh

so whats the plan for vacation? i wanna go down to the cape and partayyyyyyyyy

ahh i cant write right now

but i need what i wanted all along..

xX.Inspiration.Xx