14outtanone
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2008 2 December :: 4.24pm
:: Mood: anxious
System Broadcast
It was raining when I woke up. Dustin was talking to some guy that I know for a fact didn't give a damn, and I had a headache.
I don't know what I expected, I only slept three hours, but still the headache made the rain and Dustin's futile attempt to make a friend seem less comforting. I really want some chocolate now.
My "winter layer" is really frustrating. I know it's all the mexican food I've been eating, but it's addicting. If I had some salsa and a bottle of ranch I'm sure I could just build up afew more layers...I love tacos and enchiladas.
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 1 December :: 1.48am
:: Mood: calm
Average
I've been less depressed lately. Life is tolerable, life is not hard...
I see Jon less than usual, but more than he had thought with this arrangement.
Lately I have been playing Dream of Mirror Online almost religiously since Jon went to Jail, it keep my head from thinking of anything too terrible, and I have fun. The people are nice too, which is a plus.
Kelsey is almost due, another week or two and she'll be a mother. The novelty has worn off by now, and I just foresee her being exactly as scarce as she always has been. It's almost disappointing is it wasn't so vary average.
~Nee
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loserxdork
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2008 26 November :: 12.42am
:: Mood: nostalgic
Whoaa.
I can't believe I always forget about my Woohu. It's sad. This was my first journal site, and I love it. I just wish others here were still active. No one that I used to talk to is really on here and it makes me sad. If anyone is interested you can find me a few different ways.
FACEBOOK: Search for me (Marissa Fein) just tell me who you are, and that you're from WOOHU.
MySpace: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=609403 - There is my link, send me a message and let me know who you are and that you are from WOOHU :)
AIM: Defectivexbeauty
YAHOO: lovesalosinggame
Livejournal (that I barely use): riss___
Melodramatic.com: dorktothemax
So, that aside things are going ok. So much has been going on in my life it would take me ages to update everyone. If you'd like to talk, just find me and I would be glad to indulge in some intelligent conversation, witty banter, or just shooting the shit :)
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14outtanone
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2008 23 November :: 2.28am
:: Mood: drained
B> happyness --- S>awareness
I'm sitting here alone in the house.
I feel... empty. Not sad or broken, not mad or lost. Just like the inside of my being was removed and I'm running without a purpose. Which is okay, better than sobbing.
It's not like him being in work release will make it impossible to see him. I'll be seeing him for brief periods of time most of the days of the week.
I'll feel it when I go to bed though. I'll curl up and just cry for awhile. Until then I'm going to stay up as long as I can. I want to put off that part of this whole thing. If I could just not sleep that would rock. Not sleeping until February when he gets out, I could never do it. Sleep is usually a refuge.
I wonder if it'll still feel like that in the morning?
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 22 November :: 2.30am
:: Mood: blank
:/
Thinking is complicated.
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 12 November :: 3.21pm
:: Mood: enraged
Get your shit and leave.
I was alone today. Honestly alone.
I was single and I was bond to noone.
I will die if I can't exist as a people, not as a person.
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 6 November :: 5.09pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: "Money Bunny" Lois XIV
I got the fever?
It gets dark unusually dark lately. Or perhaps it's just me, wrapping the darkness around me like a security blanket. Waking up after 7pm each day made my internal clocks confused and out of alighnment. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it.
Pink seems to be overpowering my everythings online. Just this and my twitter seem to be immune to the cute little nothings of pastel and blush. It's both relieving and troublesome to not discriminate against colors of the rainbow. My Myspace is very stereotypical of girls my age, that though is a comfort today. I've been out of it in a haze of unknown feelings and annoyance at everyday things since afew hours after I woke up.
I got up at about 530 this morning and just sat around blind to most thoughts. Woke Jon up, not cute... then crashed into pissy world.
I hate crashing.
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 5 November :: 9.33am
:: Mood: energetic
Obama in a landslide.
God bless america.
Let's here it to finally finding enlightenment.
~Nee the American
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14outtanone
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2008 2 November :: 2.59am
:: Mood: enthralled
About him.
While looking through Robbie's new pictures on myspace I saw a picture of a kid I might have known. His name was Alex and he was the subject of interest while I was at Fort Boise. Between chasing after Myke and bringing my stagnant grades to a mildly acceptable level I spent many days watching him and thinking about him.
My interest was never romantic, to the contrary everything about my attachment to this Alex was connected to my libido. Many dreams were concocted in the middle of history, most of which included razorblades being topped and the way those scars would have felt under my fingertips. To this day I'm pretty sure my fascination (and attraction)with Eric's scars stemmed from the way I looked at Alex's scars. He and I never looked at eachother in that way, and we rarely spoke, but we were friends in the backwards way that those in the group clung to eachother and he gave me little bursts on confidence that I'm sure built a strong but confused foundation for who I am today.
He described me as aloof once and I smiled and wondered how he saw things in everyday life.
He was the off and on boyfriend of Kelsey and no-one could deny their attraction to eachother. They would be together and it would be madly wild, and I am sure that my love for watching him came from the stories my best friend would retell to me between classes. Never was I sad or jealous about her and him, no I was consumed with my love for Myke in that time and there was no room in the flames of my passion for something like Alex.
When I no longer went to school with Alex things just stopped and even seeing him again I never saw those day dreams and fantastic imaginings I used to. He always looked tired and listless, and I cried silently for all of the life I used to see in him. He went on to date Amanda, the psycho ex-girlfriend of me and seeing them together broke my spirit for life in the community of my memories. I can only assume that they were madly wild as well, but I just never saw it the same way as I did sitting on that stage in a school that changed my life. They eventually broke up and he moved away, only checking in with me once after.
Seeing him in those pictures, he looked listless still and not the radiant shadow I used to admire from between aloof lashes. I find it more fascinating though that somehow without me looking two people who were so radiant to me in their dark and pessimistic forms would end up in the same location for a Halloween party.
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 25 October :: 4.03pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Heavy Metal
Enthuisiasitic Girl! And her sidekick embarrassed man!
Last night I went to a concert at the Knitting Factory. Strange name, I still remember it fondly as "The Big Easy", just a little 13 year old with sparkling eyes and a spike bracelet. Anyway, name change aside I was there last night for a heavy metal consert. As far as I can tell it was a hometown vanity show, but I got the tickets for free on handout so I didn't know what I was getting into from the start. Me and Jon were just getting out of the house, fresh air and all such. When we got there we took our places on the wall, that's just how we roll you know, and watches the seziure enducing lightshow. The first band played "Over the Rainbow" in heavy bass tones whole a atomic bomb slideshow flickered on either side of the stage.
It was impressive to me, but I'm easily impressed and a sucker for anything I can headbang to. This band (never heard their name, or rather didn't care) had no vocals but the instument play was great. With a good low roll of a voice I could get into a small fandom.
For the next few bands Jon and I moved to the floor and sat in the back of the free standing area. I did it to people watch, he did it to make me happy.
Truth be told he doesn't like heavy metal, I love it. He was tolerating it for mr. So swet, my love.
The next band started their show with a shout-out to their pot smoking fans and laughed into their first song. I liked the song's sound, more of a country rock with a heavy hammer on the top. It wasn't bad. Not screamo.
What really made the show was this girl in front of us on the floor.
Now, as I've noticed at any event there are two kinds of people. The people who look like they're lurking in the background, there only for the show... and then there is enthusiastic. I love to watched the enthusiastic ones, they make my day. In front of us is a woman who is just gyrating and moving her hips with a passion and no regard to anyone else. She could be pretty if she took off the white-trash corset and curled her hair abit with a little bit less bleach. She didn't bother though, it's great. As the third band starts her boyfriend grabs her and holds her against him, trying to stop her scary gyrating movements for the sake of his own sanity. Jon makes a comment about how she was embarrassing him, and she didn't even know him. We laugh and move our attention to a new enthusiastic girl. Some 400 something pound girl in a mini-tee and tight pants who thinks it's a great idea to dance like a stripper. Oh and she does. Jon and I laugh and go out for a smoke where we see Woozle and Angel. Small chat ensues and then we go back to ultimately leave the concert all together. We never saw the header band, Ripchain.
Oh well. It was a good night.
Love?
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14outtanone
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2008 18 October :: 1.43pm
:: Mood: cold
Oh mah god it's a pants day.
Today started out off. Even before I actually did anything, and was still sleeping sweetly in my bed it started off wrong. The night before Jon and I had an argument, and I was thoroughly exhausted. Therefore it was no shock when I woke up and saw that Jon had slept in for work. Me too, but I didn't actually have to drag myself up from bed for awhile. So I woke up Jon and got him moving, before promptly moving to the big chair in the living room with a blanket.
Oh it didn't end there... we somehow lost Jon's hairspray too, which made my "need to find" reflexes freak the hell out. As Jon was looking for the hairspray I grabbed his back gel and put it on (had to accomplish one thing this morning, yo).
As soon as he was off to work I quickly leaned on the front door and sighed, knowing it was going to be one of those days where I talk in the Robbie voice (Yes kids, Robbie voice. He's so close to me that we named a speech pattern after the boy) and play DOMO all day.
And eat pizza. Because it's tasty. Mmmmmmm Pizza.
~Nee
Love?
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14outtanone
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2008 12 October :: 12.37am
:: Mood: bored
Crashbang.
So I got into a car accident on Friday.
The car was totaled with me Jon and our friend Drew inside. The SUV that ran the stop sign had a broken bumper, that was it. Seriously. Then the driver's girlfriend came over and like yelled at us because we didn't want to exchange insurance information until the cops got there. Which is the LAW. Even the cops said that the lady was stupid.
Anyway it sucked because we were standing out on the sidewalk for like an hour during that random snow storm waiting for the cops while the other people sat in their car keeping warm. They didn't even ask us if we were okay or anything.
To answer the obvious question, I'm fine.
Abit out of it and abit sore, but the seatbelts kept us fairly safe.
Jon got his pinky cut by some window glass, but that's it. I wasn't on the impact side so I got the least of the damage, although we spun some and the tires on my side of the car exploded... But yeah. Okay none the less.
Hope ya'll are safe out there!
~Nee
3 Yeses |
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14outtanone
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2008 10 October :: 12.40pm
:: Mood: curious
Quietzone.
I changed my journal again. It's... more colorful. And more importantly a reflection of how I am recovering from my depression.
Living with Dustin and Jon is both becoming easier and becoming harder.
Dustin is a strange combonation of very rude and very nice, and it's in a constant changeable rotation. He annoys the hell out of me, but he comes through in a pinch. And he makes killer pancakes.
Jon is still my king. I love him, and being with him makes this strange new place seem like home. This is my home. It's so fantastic. I woke up in a good mood next to him, and I hope it lasts awhile.
I keep telling myself that I'm going to get up and clean the bathroom. It needs it, but I keep getting distracted. That's so Nee though, huh?
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 9 October :: 7.46pm
:: Mood: calm
It's kinda like that.
the-havoc-core
10-09-08 3:10pm
Sometimes I wonder if things could have turned out better.
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14outtanone
Re:, 10-09-08 9:49pm
Yeah, sometimes I wonder too.
But then I remember that I wouldn't be nearly as wonderful as I am right now if things had been any different.
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