2004 17 December :: 3.41 pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Cat Power-Fool
Come Along You Fool
Offically Friends Only
2 give me |
2004 9 November :: 9.39 am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: None
Viciousness in the kitchen!
The potatoes hiss.
It is all Hollywood, windowless,
The fluorescent light wincing on and off like a terrible migraine,
Coy paper strips for doors
Stage curtains, a widowís frizz.
And I, love, am a pathological liar,
And my child look at her, face down on the floor,
Little unstrung puppet, kicking to disappear
Why she is schizophrenic,
Her face is red and white, a panic,
You have stuck her kittens outside your window
In a sort of cement well
Where they crap and puke and cry and she canít hear.
You say you canít stand her,
The bastardís a girl.
You who have blown your tubes like a bad radio
Clear of voices and history, the staticky
Noise of the new.
You say I should drown the kittens. Their smell!
You say I should drown my girl.
Sheíll cut her throat at ten if sheís mad at two.
The baby smiles, fat snail,
From the polished lozenges of orange linoleum.
You could eat him. Heís a boy.
You say your husband is just no good to you.
His Jew-Mama guards his sweet sex like a pearl.
You have one baby, I have two.
I should sit on a rock off Cornwall and comb my hair.
I should wear tiger pants, I should have an affair.
We should meet in another life, we should meet in air,
Me and you.
Meanwhile thereís a stink of fat and baby crap.
Iím doped and thick from my last sleeping pill.
The smog of cooking, the smog of hell
Floats our heads, two venemous opposites,
Our bones, our hair.
I call you Orphan, orphan. You are ill.
The sun gives you ulcers, the wind gives you T.B.
Once you were beautiful.
In New York, in Hollywood, the men said: "Through?
Gee baby, you are rare."
You acted, acted for the thrill.
The impotent husband slumps out for a coffee.
I try to keep him in,
An old pole for the lightning,
The acid baths, the skyfuls off of you.
He lumps it down the plastic cobbled hill,
Flogged trolley. The sparks are blue.
The blue sparks spill,
Splitting like quartz into a million bits.
O jewel! O valuable!
That night the moon
Dragged its blood bag, sick
Up over the harbor lights.
And then grew normal,
Hard and apart and white.
The scale-sheen on the sand scared me to death.
We kept picking up handfuls, loving it,
Working it like dough, a mulatto body,
The silk grits.
A dog picked up your doggy husband. He went on.
Now I am silent, hate
Up to my neck,
I do not speak.
I am packing the hard potatoes like good clothes,
I am packing the babies,
I am packing the sick cats.
O vase of acid,
It is love you are full of. You know who you hate.
He is hugging his ball and chain down by the gate
That opens to the sea
Where it drives in, white and black,
Then spews it back.
Every day you fill him with soul-stuff, like a pitcher.
You are so exhausted.
Your voice my ear-ring,
Flapping and sucking, blood-loving bat.
That is that. That is that.
You peer from the door,
Sad hag. "Every womanís a whore.
I canít communicate."
I see your cute decor
Close on you like the fist of a baby
Or an anemone, that sea
Sweetheart, that kleptomaniac.
I am still raw.
I say I may be back.
You know what lies are for.
Even in your Zen heaven we shanít meet.
2004 2 July :: 1.14 am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Hole-Pieces of Jennifer's Body
You're Hungry, But I'm Starving
God, things come in threes dont they?
I talked to Andy today, that was enjoyable. I promise, I won't through poppers at people's feet on the fourth of july. teehee.
The out of nowhere Mike came online, and I talked to him for about, 10 minutes. He got the beatles, sgt.peppers lonely hearts club band, and he's gonna give me that, and im giving him jimi hendrix.
Then Steven came online, and I talked to him for like, a really long time. I technically still am, but he's watching cowboy bepob, and put his away message up.
But, that's okay because I'm sleepy. I had a strawberry malt, and I did not enjoy it, for I do not like strawberries. I'm right back where I started. Right back. I thought I had changed and last night, I was for sure, I was over him, and that I hated him, and that he was the most annoying creature on earth, but now...right back. Right back where I was. Everythings back to normal I guess. I dont really like mike, I realized that. He's just so...13...I guess. That's stupid. I need to explain that a little more, but I dont feel like it. Peace.
2004 29 June :: 12.36 am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Ben Folds Five-Boxing
The Strangest Things Have Happened Lately
I've realized, that I was crazy and that I hate him. Andy went to the phish concert, that I was supposed to go to. Ironic? I think so. But, I realized something, when he was telling me about it, I loved it. That's what I love, and I dont like people who hate that, and he hates that, and I dont know what I ever saw in him that made me go through that. I feel stupid when I think about the stuff I did, not happy like I used to, but sad and stupid.
They seem to think I'm made of clay. And I am, I'm lost and I need someone to guide me. I'm just like everybody else. I used to be a superhero, no one could touch me, not even myself, but now I'm just like eveyone else. Alas, it is true and it is sad. Someone tell me how wrong I am. Please? Boxing hasn't been good to me, and I'm glad I was missing the war, because being in the war sucks ass. Remember, I speak in lyrics, so figure out the songs.
2004 13 June :: 7.29 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: The Beatles-Happiness is A Warm Gun
She's Not A Girl Who Misses Much
Im making this journal friends only. No one reads it, but still...i get random comments from people i dont know, and my mom reads this, which is VERY bad.
yesterday, friday, and today where really, really weird. Friday, went to the concert with Julia and Margaret and we went to the back of minglewood where i've never been before and when we got back there, there was pot, papers, and a knife on this stool thing. So me and Julia ate some of the pot. Nothing happened, it was a little. It just made our tongues burn and stomachs hurt. Then we talked about shrooms and I shared my "drug use" with them. It was so awesome and fun
Then saturday, I went to Adam's party, and I just dont know. Mike creeps me out. Hes starting to just get to me or something I don't know. He just confuses me. Like, if he does like me, thats cool, we're friends, and if he doesnt thats cool too, but i dont know anymore.
Then I went to margaret's house. It was fun. We talked about stuff and stayed up until 2 in the morning. I need to get over people. Really...ergh...thinking again...
2004 6 June :: 7.35 pm
:: Music: Polyphonic Spree-Soldier Girl
I Found My Soldier Guy, He's So Far Away
I'm going to new york. The damn midwest is annoying me. I hate it here.
I'M GOING TO NEW YORK!! I SWEAR TO GOD!!!
not litterally swear to god, because then i'd go to hell...well, i am already...but...whatever...
2 give me |
2004 4 June :: 1.20 pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: Yeah Yeah Yeahs-Modern Romance
People Will Say All Kinds Of Things...
I have to go. I have to go to prove to myself that I'm over him. And even if he's not there and even if I'm not over him, I've learnt something and I had fun, but I need to go. I have to go. I will go. I don't care what she says.
2004 30 May :: 9.04 pm
:: Mood: I Get IT Now!
:: Music: The Vines
I'M GONNA GET FREE! HE NEVER LOVED ME! WHY SHOULD ANYONE?
2 give me |
2004 30 May :: 6.33 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Ani DiFranco-Slide Led Zeppelin-Rain Song
She Just Got Sad, Then She Got Stuck
So I am still obsessed and I don't know why. I saw him there, walking down the street and I wanted to yell hi, and I wanted him to yell hi back. And I wanted to know who he was with, and I wanted to be with him. And I wanted to know what was going on. And I wanted to know why I wanted to know all things. And I wanted to know why I care so much about this non beautiful owned person, but I don't know why. I want to know....
I think about him and I think about him. And either way, I feel some aurora of happiness take me over and I want to be with them, but I know this won't happen. So I can only think back to the times we had together, and have regrets, lots of regrets, that I won't be able to fix. But...that's life. So Ohwell.
2004 29 May :: 4.01 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Cat Power-Sea of Love
That Night We Met, I Knew You Where My Pet
Just got back from Felicia's funeral and hour ago. There where so many people there it was crazy. She touched a lot of people though. I cried a little, but I didn't really know her.
I love this song. Cat Power-Sea of Love and The Doors-Crystal Ship. The Days are light and filled with pain. Steven is an idiot. It hurt to set him free, but he'd never follow me. Last time I'll see him until next year. I'll miss all my crushes from this year, but I can begin slowly killing myself all over again next year.
I need a break from that anyway because it confuses me. I hate them but I love them. I want Andy to stop being owned and just get beautiful and I want Steven to stop being so...seven whatever teen and I want Billy to stop being an ass and I want Him to actually talk to me. Oh shit, I just listed all of my...I hope no one from school reads this, that would just be...yeah...
I still remeber the last things all of them said to me. I need a life. I hate you all. I hate everything. I don't know why. I'm confused right now. Why did I start thinking?
make your own
just take out the numbers and click on what you want
2004 15 May :: 8.07 pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: Sublime-KRS One
You Must Learn
Got a kickass shirt today. I love it and I can't wait to wear it monday. Awesome hippie treads.
I'm doin okay. Just like I said, he forgot friday, maybe monday. I have no idea. I'm an idiot. Beauty dont come cheap. He is an idiot and almost got me caught. That damn necklace. Anyway...this day has been a day.
"Look at you with your big butt and long hair, lookin like beyonce."
I took that as an insult, since I think beyonce is a slut. But, that's just me. Anyway...what to do...I'm bored. I already went outside. The sky is soo blue right now. I love the blue sky...I'm gonna go now...
2 give me |
2004 14 May :: 10.13 am
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: Yeah Yeah Yeahs-Cold Light Aimee Mann-You're With Stupid Now
Gone, But I Don't Know Where...
he forgot yesterday, so me and margret went to her house and watched aqua teen hunger force. he's supposed to after school tonight, but he'll most likely forget again. Because that's just what he is.
Forgetfulness and stupidity, but I love that.
I'm a psycotic little whore idiot. I love this song. You're With Stupid Now. Why is she talking about her damn shoes. I dont care. I'm sleepy and kind of hungry. I ate an apple. I forgot to throw away the core, now she'll yell at me. Life hates me. Karma hates me. They struggle with the undertaking of simple thought
What you want, you don't know, you're with stupid now
What you know, you don't want to know, you're with stupid now.
This journal is filled with bad memories...
2004 13 May :: 3.58 pm
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: none
I Hear A Buzzing In My Head
So yes, I have gotten myself into the same situation. Yeah i have, but this time it's my fault. I'm sorry me. Im an idiot. I have to block comments so no one replies and my mom reads this. I feel nervous and sad and worried and well, anxious. Stupid anxiety. I hate me now. I hate all of this now. I dont want to be HERE now! Why can't I go somewhere that doesnt involve worrying about keeping your friends happy. And when I try not to care about what my friends think of me it backfires. I hate this place and i hate all of this and i think im gonna go run outside for awhile. screw study hall.
2004 9 May :: 6.44 pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Sublime-Live at E's
You Know I Yearn for More
I want more. I bet it wont happen tommorow and I'm wasting my time. Why the hell isn't he online? damn it...maybe i can to margret's and spend the night and then...i dont know. I'm a crazy whore...
2004 8 May :: 11.02 am
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Sublime-Waiting For My Ruca
Let the People Rally Round Me
I love this cd. Wow. That should fix it for him. My reputation is shit in my school now. Why did i talk to them? Do I regret it? NO! It was fun! Tramping on the trampoline! Going on the roof! sleeping on the roof! This makes no sense to anyone, but no one reads this so does it matter? NO! Maybe I can stay over her house tonight. Mom probably wont let me because I have church in the morning. I'm not goin back home...god no! sublime. I'm just...yeah right now. I'm always gonna do this...this thing where im like, "I should've done this!","I should've said this!", but you know what? That's just me and I dont need some asshole telling me I have problems when I already know it...