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I'm just uptight.

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:: 2005 14 March :: 2.02 am

Don't bother checking this anymore if you still are. It's dead. If I ever decide to bring it back, I'll let you know.

Click here for updates and whatnot.

not an android

:: 2005 19 February :: 4.31 pm
:: Music: "Michael" +Franz Ferdinand+

So progress reports came today.

This is by far the worst my grades have ever officially been throughout my entire high school career. I'm not going to say what they are, because you will all kill me except for the select few that understand my dilemma. I can't believe it though. I'm getting burned out, as is obvious..gah.

Funny thing is, I'm getting the worst grades in all my easy classes with the exception of AP physics. But seriously, my two non-honors/AP classes I have the bad grades in. That's just messed up.

Alright Nancy, time to get yourself together. Stop missing school. Start turning in assignments. Start actually studying. Get those damn grades up.

If I have these at the end of the semester I'm going to shoot myself or something similar. You have my word on that.

1 may be paranoid | not an android

:: 2005 18 February :: 4.50 pm
:: Music: "Lua" +Bright Eyes+

When everything gets lonely, I can be my own best friend. I get a coffee and the paper; have my own conversations with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection. The mask I polish in the evening, by the morning looks like shit.

I've got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train. If you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same. We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain. But what was normal in the evening, by the morning seems insane.

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this. The reasons have run away but the feeling never did. It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live..cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is. What's so simple in the moonlight, by the morning is so complicated. What's so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight..

2 may be paranoid | not an android

:: 2005 12 February :: 9.18 pm

So I got a new email address..

Add that to your address books or something and send me email. It'll be fun.

not an android

:: 2005 7 February :: 12.13 am

Oh to have written this..

I am proud of being an American citizen.

I am proud of the fact that as I lay silent--lips sealed in fear that if I speak the wrong word, utter something that disagrees with the majority of the public, I will be punished and terrorized and branded as "unpatriotic"--my rights and liberties are being taken away.

I am proud of being an American citizen: I am proud of the fact that, when I am old and decrepit, I will have no health insurance and social security to fall back upon.

I am proud of the fact that my children will die as martyred innocents in future gang wars that were caused because gun control laws slowly dwindled away and became nonexistent.

I am proud of being an American citizen.

I am proud of the fact that I must learn to fear my neighbors because if what I say doesn't agree with them and the governmental administration, I will be reported. I am proud of the Patriotic Act and the fact that my right of free speech has been taken away from me.

I am proud of the fact that I have the ability to watch the brothers of my friends pick up their weapons to fight in a war that no longer has any meaning.

I am proud of the fact that soon I, too, will be required to pick up my own weapon to fight in a war in which I will die, blood running from gunshot wounds, as red as the stripes in our nation's flag.

I am proud to be living in a country where the words "justice," "liberty," and "equality" are still ideals that we have yet to achieve.

I am proud of the fact that I now have the ability to stand in an emergency room and watch as a gay man desperately tries to plead with the ward's head nurse to see his partner, but is denied access because he is not the other's "spouse."

I am proud of being an American citizen, for that means that other countries will look upon me with disgust and hatred.

I am proud of being an American citizen, for that means that I have the God-given right to disregard international policies that took years to create. I am proud of the fact that this disregard and high-handedness will soon lead to misunderstandings, chaos, and--eventually--war.

I am proud of the fact that I will die of lung disease, caused by the pollution in the atmosphere, because the government decided that drilling for oil was more important than preserving our environment.

I am proud.

I am proud to be an American citizen, because the America that I was promised still remains a dream that I cherish with all of my heart and soul.

This nation that I live in now denies everything that "America" is supposed to represent. This is not my America. This should be no one's America.

I am not proud to be an American citizen.

-- Bryanna Sandoval

2 may be paranoid | not an android

:: 2005 5 February :: 11.40 pm
:: Music: "Let Down" +Radiohead+

So according to the books, tonight was spent out to dinner and at the movies with Jennifer Le. How dull.

Off the books, however..different story! She really wanted to go down to the UCLA medical center to visit Kelli there, but she didn't have a ride. I had nothing to do, so I offered to take her. I still can't drive people legally (and won't be able to for another four months), so we came up with the "dinner and movie" plan. That, we figured, would buy us four hours or so..plenty of time to go to UCLA and back and do things in between. You may think I'm foreshadowing something here, but really, I'm not.

So I picked her up and she made me stop at the new Walmart (die) to buy underwear (what?). Random, I know. But it's Asian, what do you expect? After Walmart we hit the freeway and started our journey. Amazingly, traffic wasn't bad until about three miles before Wilshire, where we were exiting. I learned that I really need to get my glasses before I drive at night again, especially on the freeway in the carpool lane with the wall two feet away. Not good. Anyhow.

We got to the UCLA area and started looking for parking. The only free parking we could find was at a Ralphs and Best Buy parking lot, and it was only free if you bought something at one of the stores. Fine, okay. So I bought Cheez-Its and French bread..awesome. So relevant, I know. Continuing.

After walking around the parking lot looking for an exit, we finally found one and went over to the hospital. It was the most confusing place ever, especially since apparently we went in the wrong door or something like that. So after wandering around like idiots for a bit, we found Kelli's room and sat and visited for a while. She doesn't look too bad, just a bit pale. Hopefully she'll be alright.

While in Kelli's room, Jennifer's brother called and said he was in the area; did we want to go get food with him and his girlfriend? Sure, why not. First we went and got boba (very good, I recommend it to everyone but only if you like tapioca balls) and then we walked over to this random burrito place. Let me tell you, that's the best burrito I've ever had..three bucks for a foot long burrito! That's a steal. And it wasn't like it was a crappy burrito, oh no. While eating we saw this homeless guy digging through the trash cans and pulling out food, so we gave him some leftovers. I've still got six inches of my burrito left though..there's breakfast. Yum.

By the time we finished all that, it was 9:45 or so, so we left. I got us back in boring old SCV real quick (I'm a good driver, really, I just have a tendency to speed a bit..nothing wrong with that) and dropped Jennifer off, then went home. Excellent.

The only thing bad about tonight is that I wasted a lot of gas and then forgot to get more on the way home. Oh well. Hopefully they won't notice..heh. Yeah, so, random adventures are the only fun things left to do here. All of you need to go with me on one, really. It's exciting. The end.

2 may be paranoid | not an android

:: 2005 3 February :: 7.28 pm
:: Music: "Donner Party" +Alkaline Trio+

So today I didn't go to school because, well, I just didn't feel like it. My mother came in my room around 6:45 (which is when we're supposed to leave for school) and said, "NANCY!! Why aren't you awake yet?! We have to leave now!" and I answered, "Well you know..I don't want to go to school today. I just don't feel like going." I punctuated that statement by rolling over and facing the wall. So she left and I guess called me in sick or something.

Missing school honestly made my day so much better. Even though I missed two tests; even though I will have to make up what I missed over the weekend; even though I most likely missed some important lectures and new concepts; I couldn't care less. I'm not really into school this semester. Of course, I'm still going to do the work (when I feel like it) and still show up (most of the time), so hopefully my grades won't slip too much. I wouldn't let that happen. But seriously, I'm just way too apathetic to even care about anything involving school anymore.

Also, word of advice: if you're ever going to ditch, do it on a Thursday. That way you come back and it's Friday, which is one of the best days of the week, and you also have the entire weekend to make up what you missed. See, you get one extra day to turn in your work, but if you get it on Friday, you can't really turn it in the next day. Therefore you get three days, but it only counts as one because those aren't school days. I'm brilliant.

I suppose I should do yesterday's homework now. Whatever.

not an android

:: 2005 30 January :: 8.51 pm

Sit and think for a while and you'll realize that you'll still die. If you're not thinking at all I dont know why you're alive.

not an android

:: 2005 27 January :: 9.24 pm
:: Music: "Let's Not Shit Ourselves" +Bright Eyes+

My teachers, they built the retaining wall memory, all those multiple choices I answered so quickly. And I got my grades back and forgot just as easily, but as least I got an A. So I don't have them to blame. I should stop pointing fingers; reserve my judgment of all those public action figures, the cowboy president. So loud behind the bullhorn, so proud they can't admit when they have made a mistake. While poison ink spews from a speechwriter's pen, he knows that he doesn't have to say it, so it don't bother him. "Honesty" "Accuracy" are really just "Popular Opinion." And the approval rating is high, so someone is going to die. ABC, NBC, CBS: Bullshit. They give us fact or fiction? I guess an even split. And each new act of war is tonight's entertainment. We are still the pawns in their game. As they take an eye for an eye until no one can see, we must stumble blindly forward, repeating history. Well, I guess that we all fit into your slogan on the fast food marquee: Red blooded, White skinned oh and the Blues. I got the Blues! I got the Blues! That's me! That's me!

1 may be paranoid | not an android

:: 2005 23 January :: 5.05 pm

Sometimes you just put so much into something that it kills you. "You get out what you put in," right? It doesn't seem like it. Nothing's coming back to me even though I'm giving it almost everything I've got. So what's a person to do when this happens? Just give up?

not an android | Random Journal